To not use my mum who wants to provide childcare?

[Revving5]

I really don't know if it's unreasonable of me

DS is going to nursery for 3 days a week (he's 1) while I'm at work. My mum is absolutely gutted and says that she wants to look after him, I'm really grateful for this, but I really want him to experience what the nursery can offer (healthy meals, the correct stimulation, interacting with strangers, learning to play with children his age, etc.) I just think it sets him up well.

We go and see my mum all the time in the week (I see her pretty much every day with DS, so it's not like she doesn't see him) and she kindly has him if I have a doctor appointment, etc. and as lovely as it is that they spend time together, I don't really want it for those 3 days too, not saying she doesn't do a good job!! She's a great nan, but I just worry that it's not like nursery at all.

I'm not being unreasonable am I?

If she's a good granny etc. Then let her have one day. Reassess every year.

I think you should do what you want to do with your own child. As long as he is looked after I'm sure he will be fine.

But for the record, my eldest didn't go to nursery or a childminder or a school nursery or even grandparents. He was looked after by me up until he started school at 5. We didn't go to groups or clubs very much and he spent most of his time with me and his aunts and young cousins, in the garden, playing , reading watching tv and going to the park.

He is 17 this year and he is a sociable, confident, bright, popular and happy young man and I have no regrets. And I am sure he would be just the same if he had spent 3 days at nursery or one day with granny.

Do what you think is best, but let go of the idea that children 'need' nursery. Children need to feel loved and wanted and cared for. Everything else is really not that important.

malvinandhobbes have you even read the article you linked to? it clearly comes down on the side of gps providing the best start

*, babies that are looked after by grandparents score "significantly higher" in vocabulary tests at age three than those placed in any other form of childcare.

Dr Kirstine Hansen, research director of the Millennium Cohort Study, from which the data was taken, said: "Grandparents tend to make more of an effort to sit down and talk to children to make up for lack of physical activity, but there's also some evidence that they are more likely to use better grammar, have better vocabulary themselves and correct children more, unlike other people."

One to one attention was part of the reason behind the higher scores and formal care by nannies also improved vocabulary, she said, but childcare by grandparents produced the best results.*

angeldelightedme* yes, of course I read it. I am not an idiot.

My point is that the conclusions you draw from research depend on what you measure. Grandparent care is better for some things (vocab at age 3), worse for others (school readiness), and it almost all evens out by age 7.

There are no absolutes. Nursery is not better than grandparents always. Grandparents are not better than nursery always. You can find a piece of research (or worse, a media spin on research) to confirm any bias you may have. You need to look at the aggregate of the science.

I think many of you are being mean spirited declaring that nursery is always worse. I suspect you are trying to justify your own parenting decisions, but can't you just acknowledge that there are many, many ways to be a loving parent and raise well adjusted and happy children? I get you are answering a specific AIBU, but bear in mind this is read by women in many circumstances and it is so easy to make a mother feel bad. Posters who declare "ALL RESEARCH finds" are often wrong, and sometimes inadvertently cruel.

Lets be kind and acknowledge we are all doing our best.

And the OP has completely disappeared.

I haven't.

I'm still reading... I keep meaning to reply but I get carried away with something else.

I think many of you are being mean spirited declaring that nursery is always worse. I suspect you are trying to justify your own parenting decisions

No I have done both ways and I am in absolutely no doubt that the emotionally secure children produced by the loving care of grandparents catch up on the 'shape sorters' in no time.And where does the article say it all evens out by 7?

Of course the emotionally secure children who had grandparent care catch up to the equally emotionally secure shape sorters who attended nursery!!!!!

There are so many ways to grow up emotionally secure and be able to sort shapes. Thank goodness emotional security and the ability to sort shapes are not mutually exclusive no do they rest entirely on one parenting choice.

Be kind to yourself xxxx

"nor do they rest"

Naaah, it's your kid. You get to decide what you want him to experience.

id be biting her hand off for free one to one childcare instead of nursery fees at such a young age. He will have plenty of time for nursery when hes 3 and 4

You should do what you think is best for your child. I personally would prefer nursery as my children thrived there and whilst I am sure that some grandparents would be better than a nursery, many would be worse. When my children were little I often saw grandparents with children in playgrounds etc and thought that they seemed quite tired/disinterested in their grandchildren compared with the majority of parents. Considering that these were the ones who bothered to go out with them and don't blame you for thinking your mother might not do a good job if she is likely to stay in all the time.

Not all grandparents are the same. Not all nurseries are the same. Being with a family member is not always best.

I see children being minded by grandparents who are quite obviously not physically well enough to do so. That is not fair on either the children or the grandparents.

There are also grandparents who will do nothing with their grandchildren on a day to day basis except the basics like feeding etc.

No one can say that grandparents are always best.

Also, I think a lot of people just think of it being free childcare. That shouldn't be a reason alone and if you can afford childcare then it shouldn't even be a part of the decision as it should be on which form of childcare, grandparent or nursery, is best.

Having been looked after by GP when I was little I can see that there most definitely strings attached for my parents, I'm 36 and there are still strings and repercussions.
They got a lot of mine and my siblings firsts and rejoiced in them much to the upset of my parents. They often tell my parents how we were as babies and have well and truly put their ore in at times. Over ruling my parents many times about lots of different things. I didn't want that for my DC so they are in nursery.

Different strokes for different folks.

Free doesn't equal good. My cousin has a child the same age as my eldest who was minded by my aunt. He was plonked in front of the TV from 6 months old. How is that better than a dedicated child friendly environment with age appropriate activities?

When my children were little I often saw grandparents with children in playgrounds etc and thought that they seemed quite tired/disinterested in their grandchildren compared with the majority of parents.

This isn't my experience at all! I have seen a large number of very involved and enthusiastic grandparents-at toddler groups/parks/doing regular pick ups from the school gates.

YANBU. It's your choice and nothing wrong with 3 days of nursery for a 1 year old.
But.... My 2 year old goes 3 days a week to nursery and if my Mum/MIL was able to have her for one of those days I would bite her hand off. So I think a perfect solution would be 2 days nursery and 1 day with Granny. But I absolutely trust my Mum/MIL and know it would be brilliant for my 2 year old.
I wouldn't worry about TV and celebrations for 1 day a week. But perhaps you have other reservations?

OP you're not going to find a clear cut winner in this debate I'm afraid.

I don't understand why people are questioning the nature of nursery staff. My sister works in a nursery and she raves about the kids when she comes home, how she gives them cuddles, how she misses them when they go. A lot of nursery staff are in it for their love of children and are loving and caring people! Ok they might have 3 children in their duty of care on a particular day, and they might struggle to run over to a child and pick them up as soon as they start to whinge a little, but how do mums with 2 or 3 young kids at home do it, I'm sure there have been plenty of moments where mums here can hear their baby cry, but they're just taking the toddler to the loo and can't run to the baby straight away. I only have 1 and I don't run 70mph to pick my baby up as soon as he lets out a murmur, but he is a delightful happy baby; 100% secure with no attachment issues.

I think it would have to be a really neglectful nursery with rubbish staff that you would need to worry about attachment, no credible nursery is going to leave a 1 year old baby screaming for 10 minutes before they attend to them. Some of the posts are so disrespectful to the brilliant job that a lot of key workers do.

On top of that the OP is only suggesting 3 days of the week. That's 4 days where her DC will be with his/her mum which would compensate for the any concerns of "lost security/attachment" from spending a few days at nursery.

And I'm not disputing research but what could possibly be better for developing a secure attachment than teaching your child at a young age that if Mum leaves me with strangers, I know she is coming back at the end of the day to get me. I wish my parents taught me that then I wouldn't have been so clingy until the age of 9.

Having grandparents is great however it's a demanding job. As well as considering what sort of activities they will carry out, you also do need to consider their health. I would say that most Grandparents are not spring chickens anymore and will find it harder than younger mums and dads to keep up with a baby/toddler for 8 hours a day, several days of the week. I'm ready for bed by 5pm with a fairly easy 8mth old!

This isn't my experience at all! I have seen a large number of very involved and enthusiastic grandparents-at toddler groups/parks/doing regular pick ups from the school gates.

The ones doing pick ups from the school gates are obviously going to be fine as they haven't been with the children all day! Yes, many of the ones who look after children all day also are involved and enthusiastic but I have also seen some tired looking grandparents who certainly don't seem to have the energy that younger people would have. OP's mother sounds as if she would be the less energetic type.

Can't you just compromise so she has one day & 2 days in nursery? That way everyone is happy? Dc will get used to being with others, lots of stimulating activities, some other children to play with etc and dm gets a day a week (or an afternoon if she would collect from nursery.

My mum's always had my ds one day a week & helps out if he's ill etc. He really loves it & she does stuff I don't like taking him to the library and sitting & watching tv with him - apart from mealtimes she just spends the whole day with him & playing with him/reading etc and trying in vain to get him to pedal a trike for hours I suspect!

The ones doing pick ups from the school gates are obviously going to be fine as they haven't been with the children all day!

I meant the ones with younger siblings in buggies!

My ds went to nursery so am not opposed to nursery but if I had the choice of a very able GP for a 1 year old I would choose the GP - then use a pre-school from 2.5/3 which does wrap around hours (much cheaper than a nursery).

Haven't RTFT. But the studies are quite clear that at that age, the only children who benefit from a nursery environment are those who come from very disadvantaged backgrounds, or do not have loving carers as an alternative. Even a nanny would be better than an institution, everything else equal.

So, YABU. Tell your mum you'd be grateful for her childcare, on the condition that she respects your red lines and reasonable requests, including visits to playgrounds and maybe playgroups.

FWIW, mine went to nursery part time from 18 months because it was too hard on my parents to take care of him full time. He goes to kindergarden now, does very well there, but he is very articulate and quite clear that he'd still prefer to be with his family.

One day we were looking at a group photo from his nursery where he looked at the camera with a serious face. Out of the blue, he said in a matter-of-fact way, "miniPeregrane was sad. I wanted to be with mummy. I was always sad." On the surface he seemed totally fine and enjoying himself, and yet I have no doubt at all that he meant it when he said he was missing us all the time.

I'd go for granny personally, but it depends on the granny in question. I certainly wouldn't be worrying about 'the correct stimulation' at age 1. Everything's stimulating when you're 1. I have nothing at all against good nurseries, but chose a child minder myself because it was more like being at home with family members. Like everyone's saying though, why not granny one day a week?

Nope. My parents and IL live far ish away but even if they were closer baby would still be going to nursery when i go back to work for the same reasons you've stated. I think it will do her good and she'll be 9 months old.