Weird encounter with man or am I over thinking

[Daaaaaaan]

This might be long, will try to put all relevant information in so to avoid the dreaded drip feeding...

One or two weeks before Christmas I was in the supermarket as usual on a Wednesday lunchtime straight after school finished with my son. Exited the supermarket to hear an English voice say "oh hi, how are you" in a friendly tone of voice (am expat and while many people here speak English I speak to most of my friends in the local language). I said "oh hello" while thinking "uhmm I don't really think I know you". However he continued saying he knew me from somewhere, had we met before, probably at local pub. I said no I don't drink there.

He told me his Street address then asked why I was shopping in supermarket A when supermarket B was closer to my house (didn't think about this comment until later as tbh I was really just trying to get home to make lunch, I absolutely did not tell him where I lived). He also said he saw me most days last summer and I was always on my own (?! )Looked like I was always off to the beach, did I not work?

Boxing day, receive message in my other folder from this guy saying I popped up on his people you may know list. We have no mutual friends, are not in any of the same Facebook groups and I never "check in" anywhere. So was a bit sceptical. Anyway in the message wishes me merry Christmas, asks me out, gives me his address, phone number and email. I didn't accept the message request and did not reply. So although I have read it he won't know as I've not accepted it ifkwim.

So, Wednesday in supermarket A as usual, and he is there. He tries to make chat but, it's lunchtime and I have a hungry son to feed! Don't give it much thought, it's a local supermarket after all, we live in the same district. Thursday I get on my usual tram to take my son to school and he is on it. Not too weird, but the stop for where he told me he lives is about 3 stops before the one I get on. The next and final stop, it doesn't really go anywhere except the tram depot, my sons school and the long road to the next town.

He starts walking with us asking about Christmas, asks my son about his gifts etc. I'm feeling a bit uneasy and rush my son along while, saying something like "oh well have a nice day etc" he then asks me if I have time for a coffee, rather taken aback I blurted out "sorry no I'm on my way to a job interview" and rushed off.

So, finally (if anyone has got this far) is, aibu to think this all really odd. Mainly the supermarket conversation/knowing where I live/movements/tram thing? The balcony thing, as I say, is most likely unconnected but possibly why I'm feeling more freaked out than should be necessary.

Keep it up, try not engaging with him at all, if you can. I know you probably find it difficult as you are not a rude person, so it is hard, not to feel rude, but he is in your space and you don't have to allow him to unnerve you. Keep a log as pp have pointed out, and up your security.

I think you're handling it fine, and that is very unnerving isn't it? I hope he does just get the message and did you say next week your ex will do some school runs? That will probably help.

Try not to dwell on it too much today.

you did great. you don't have to answer his questions you know. you can be ruder - 'i'm not interested.'

if he acts all hurt you know he's trying to manipulate you into capitulating. ignore and walk away.

or 'stop harassing me. i don't know you and i don't want to.' is good too.

Wow OP, just read all of this. How bloody scary for you :(
Sounds like you handled today just fine, and let's hope he's got the message

I'm glad your ex will be back and will hopefully help you out and be able to put your mind at rest, I agree with a PP that maybe see if he would be ok to stay maybe a couple of nights when you might be feeling a little off? So you know you and your son are safe , if I'm making any sense?

I just don't know what goes through some people's minds! Judging from everything you've said, you'd have thought he'd have got the message very early on

Keep strong, really hope he disappears !

You handled today really well Daaaaan, the sooner your ex gets back and can walk with you the better. Make sure you note this down.

Any normal person would have took the hint by now that you weren't interested.
Keep vigilant and note everything down.

I would be more direct, and tell him to stop bothering you as its making you uncomfortable!

I know you were thinking on your feet but I would just say "no I am not interested" instead of saying you didn't have time for a coffee.

Exactly, you have to be firm with him, no I don't want to have coffee with you, and your making me feel uncomfortable, so stop bothering me. I don't have time, makes him think that you will in the future. Try to be assertive, and be explicit to him, so their is no room for interpretation.

I know it's really hard to be " rude " but you need to not engage in conversation with him. Please just keep repeating one phrase that you can remember, like " I'm not interested , please go away " or similar.

Practice those in front of the mirror several times, or role play with a friend, so you have the confidence to be assertive to him, and tell him straight. I would look at self defence classes in your area too, which could help with confidence.

How depressing that he was there again

Unfortunately I don't think he will have got the message yet - after all it sounds like he has been stalking you for quite some time so I can't see that he is going to give up if you have only turned him down twice (looking at it from his point of view that is - I realise that from a sensible person's point of view it's that you've already turned him down twice and that should be more than enough for him to get the message).

Plus although you turned him down today, he did come away with a win of sorts - because you answered his questions, even if it was just briefly. That means that you (in his mind) will have had a meaningful conversation with him, even if to you you were not really answering and being ruder than you would normally be when talking to somebody normally.

From here on, you need to take a deep breath whenever you see him and steel yourself to say 'Leave me alone' and 'go away' whenever he tries to speak to you. Don't ever start talking to him first otherwise he is going to rationalise it as you talking to him, regardless of content. And if he follows you again, spin around and pop back into school to ask them a question - obviously not telling him why you are turning and leaving - and then go a few minutes later - if he is still there then it gets more obvious that he is waiting for you unfortunately but if he happened to be just passing (!) when you came out previously, then he can't be still just passing when you leave again a little while later.

I did a self defence course at school - many years ago now. However one of the things they taught has really stuck with me and I suspect it might be useful to you too. It was that you have to give yourself permission to actually hurt somebody and realise that your friends and family would want you to do this. We are so conditioned to being nice and normal and not hurting people that we are not used to actually striking out and causing pain, or indeed, wanting to. However, if somebody is about to attack us, we do not need to continue to follow those normal conventions of society that have been drilled into us, however difficult or strange feeling that will be (and it will be). The person that is about to attack us is not following those conventions and beyond that is relying on you continuing to follow them to make it easier to attack you without any problems or fear of comeback. Giving yourself permission to hurt somebody (and it's often the little things that are easiest to attack as a woman that will have the biggest effect - cracking somebody's nose, bending little fingers back further than they should go, bursting ear drums, throwing sand in eyes and so on) is a sign of strength, it's not something that you're going to do every day, it's not you changing who you are completely, it's just the correct reaction to a dreadful situation you find yourself in. If asked, I'm pretty sure your family and friends would say they want you to fight somebody that is attacking you to give yourself the best chance of escape rather than 'fighting fair' - and you would say the same to your ds if anybody were to attack him.

Obviously my self defence course was more concerned about a physical attack but it equally counts with the verbal/mental interactions you're having with this guy too. They're effectively attacks - and you don't need to be polite or answer his questions or stop to talk or do anything - the only thing you need to do is keep yourself safe for your ds. If that means you are rude to him - fine. excellent even. if it helps, get out your phone and pretend to ring somebody - but maybe record the interaction with him instead (so long as he can't see you are doing this) so you have proof of how scary it is for you when he ignores you. but don't feel that you have to answer any more of his questions, ever. You don't owe him anything, even polite civility any more as it would be to your detriment.

Good luck and stay safe!

(sorry, just realised this is probably going to cross post with lots of other posts as I wrote it a while ago and have just discovered I hadn't posted it as I thought now that I'm shutting off my pc)

Yes, next time I will say " no I'm not interested" as he could read that me not having time means I would if I did have time. Hopefully there won't be a next time. Will practice in front of mirror too. It is hard to be rude but I just want to go about my business without being worried about seeing him.

Ex is back next week and can stay over and do the school runs with me too.

I took a krav maga self defence class last year so can look to see if they are doing another one. Can't sign up to the regular classes as they aren't at a good time for care for ds but a singular one should be ok.

I know what you m4an confuggled about it appearing that he had some kind of win because I interacted which is why I don't think I handled this morning brilliantly

Say to him, 'leave me alone' 'I am not interested' stop being nice, he is not being nice to you, invading your privacy, and making you feel uncomfortable, stop being nice to him. Yes do sign up on that course too.

I agree, one more "I'm not interested, now leave me alone" and then from then on, just ignore him completely. It's a good idea to do the double back thing, or go into a shop and tell them that this man is bothering you and needs to leave you alone.\

It is good that your ds dad is back next week, but as you know, you can't be bodyguarded all the time, and the bloke might even think that it's not you that wants him to leave you alone, it's only because you are with your ex.

Stalkers will do whatever it takes to get the feed they need from you, contact, a reaction of any kind. It doesn't matter if it's positive or negative, it's the reaction they crave. The rest they will twist to the warped dialogue in their head.

If you are bothered with a stalker calling you and only answer after the 236th time they ring, they won't get the hint not to call you, all they take on board is that they have to ring your AT LEAST 237 times to be sure you will respond at some point.

There may be online sites based here for tips on how to manage stalkers, and the thought process behind it all. That might help you understand the situation you are in.

My advice is to tell him clearly next time that you are not interested in a friendship with him, nor knowing him at all and that you want to be left alone by him. No contact, no nothing. You are strangers and don't know each other and that is how you want to keep it. Full stop.

From that point on don't even acknowledge him, if he is on a street, cross it to avoid him or double back. If he crosses too, go into a shop or knock on a door and tell them what is happening and ask for help. Do not at any time engage with him or address him directly.

I had this mildly with a guy I went out with a couple of times, he tried emotional blackmail, I binned him. then he texted me and texted me, same message "thinking of you' every couple of days. When that didnt' work I got another message late on a Sunday "HELP"

I knew he had health issues of some kind so I rang the non emergency number and told them that I was fairly confident that this was a ruse but due to the health problems I felt it best to alert someone for them to evaluate if he needed help. I told them the situation that he was an unwelcome person in my life and that I had no desire to have anything to do with him, as I thought this was a ruse to get me (and my young son) out in a car late at night to go and see if he was ok... Yeah.. Right...

I gave them the guys number, his address and all the details I had for him, they said they would call him first and if they didn't get an answer to go round and see him at his house.

25 mins later I got a text from him to say that they police had been and sorry to have bothered me. I didn't reply to that, or any other message that he'd sent.

I heard nothing for 18months or so, then a message telling me how he knew I'd be relieved to hear that he was jacking in the job in my vilage. (Didn't bother me, I was working outside the village during the day anyway) and emigrating to Australia...

I still did not reply, just blocked him.

People like this are sick. They don't get hints or think about how they will affect others, even telling some of them has no effect. Be strong and keep posting.

You aren't alone in this lovely, we're all worried for you and thinking of you.

I the k you done well this morning op. It's v difficult when actually in a situation.

Would it be an idea to have ur mobile phone in ur pocket and even if it's not switched on, life the phone to your ear and pretend to always be on a v important call if u see him. Might help u to blank him entirely, by pretending not to see him, recognise him or acknowledge/respond to anything he says.

I know it's hard, but I agree with others that you could be firmer. Saying you don't have time for a coffee leaves open the possibility that you may yet have time in the future; he would feel justified in asking you again. Try being firmer if he approaches you again: 'Thank you but no. I am not interested.' or similar.

Pretend he is one of those damn annoying people who hassle you in the street to get money from you. Don't make eye contact, just keep walking saying no not interested, go away, leave me alone. Don't stop for any reason at all.... Don't answer him in any other way.....

Avoid like the plague any of the following: "please", "sorry" or even talking about your emotions, including "uncomfortable" or even the British "[disappointing news], I'm afraid" can be misconstrued. Any mention of his effect on you is fodder and "a win" for him. Google "grey rock" if you don't know it already. As to "please", i learned that when I was trying to be a teacher; saying "please" implies that they have a choice in the matter. And, not "sorry" should be obvious. Sucks that he's back. Stay strong.

Commenting because I'm a bit worried for you.
Another saying - plan in your head what you will say to him when you see him again. Rehearse it - know you don't have to be polite. You don't owe him anything.
"Go away I don't know you and don't want to" or similar and don't stop.

So very glad, that your Son's Daddy will soon be with you both.
Hopefully then, this might get sorted out, once and for all.
Creep. 😡

Fingers crossed this settles down

He really is a fucking creep isn't he!

I agree with pp but want to reiterate the idea of practising scenarios as a role play exercise, its more effective than talking to yourself in the mirror or saying it in your head.

Don't be afraid to be rude to this man! Good luck OP

YOu need to handle this yourself without needing to rely on your ex. I hope that you have had a second wind, and will be assertive to him today. Tell him your not interested, and to stop bothering you. After which you just ignore him.