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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Weird encounter with man or am I over thinking

357 replies

Daaaaaaan · 27/01/2017 12:58

This might be long, will try to put all relevant information in so to avoid the dreaded drip feeding...

One or two weeks before Christmas I was in the supermarket as usual on a Wednesday lunchtime straight after school finished with my son. Exited the supermarket to hear an English voice say "oh hi, how are you" in a friendly tone of voice (am expat and while many people here speak English I speak to most of my friends in the local language). I said "oh hello" while thinking "uhmm I don't really think I know you". However he continued saying he knew me from somewhere, had we met before, probably at local pub. I said no I don't drink there.

He told me his Street address then asked why I was shopping in supermarket A when supermarket B was closer to my house (didn't think about this comment until later as tbh I was really just trying to get home to make lunch, I absolutely did not tell him where I lived). He also said he saw me most days last summer and I was always on my own (?! Confused )Looked like I was always off to the beach, did I not work?

Boxing day, receive message in my other folder from this guy saying I popped up on his people you may know list. We have no mutual friends, are not in any of the same Facebook groups and I never "check in" anywhere. So was a bit sceptical. Anyway in the message wishes me merry Christmas, asks me out, gives me his address, phone number and email. I didn't accept the message request and did not reply. So although I have read it he won't know as I've not accepted it ifkwim.

So, Wednesday in supermarket A as usual, and he is there. He tries to make chat but, it's lunchtime and I have a hungry son to feed! Don't give it much thought, it's a local supermarket after all, we live in the same district. Thursday I get on my usual tram to take my son to school and he is on it. Not too weird, but the stop for where he told me he lives is about 3 stops before the one I get on. The next and final stop, it doesn't really go anywhere except the tram depot, my sons school and the long road to the next town.

He starts walking with us asking about Christmas, asks my son about his gifts etc. I'm feeling a bit uneasy and rush my son along while, saying something like "oh well have a nice day etc" he then asks me if I have time for a coffee, rather taken aback I blurted out "sorry no I'm on my way to a job interview" and rushed off.

So, finally (if anyone has got this far) is, aibu to think this all really odd. Mainly the supermarket conversation/knowing where I live/movements/tram thing? The balcony thing, as I say, is most likely unconnected but possibly why I'm feeling more freaked out than should be necessary.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/01/2017 11:36

How are you and your DS, OP ?
Good advice above.

NEScribe · 29/01/2017 12:56

Doublemint - I looked at the camera on amazon and thought it looked good but the feedback is not good. Camera works well but there's a hefty annual subscription otherwise you can't store ANY pics/video. So unless she was watching the camera at the time and took a quick screenshot, she wouldn't have any evidence of someone on balcony etc :(

A PP suggested it would be wrong to let him think you are in a relationship but it's better than refusing him for no apparent reason IMO.
Maybe you could "suggest" that you and your ex are thinking of getting back together?

Teaholic · 29/01/2017 13:09

The I have a boyfriend defense also feeds in to these types' views that a woman without an owner is ripe for harassment or attention as they'd see it.

Daaaaaaan · 29/01/2017 13:18

My apartment block has motion activated lights on the path and also inside the apartment block but I've been closing the shutters at night since the footprints thing so I wouldn't know when they come on. A small cctv camera I can look into for viewing the balcony.

I've blocked him on Facebook, not really sure that was the best thing to do because instead of looking like I don't use Facebook it's clear I have specifically blocked him (if he is odd and makes a separate account to check or something -paranoia thinking). My Facebook settings are as tight as fb allows, I really only post photos of me with my son, lovely photos of my city etc for family. I don't have hundreds of fb friends, only people I actually know/love, not random people I met on holiday once etc.

Am a bit anxious about school run tomorrow. Will leave earlier and take a completely different route to school. Ultimately though, school is where it is, so am anticipating that I may bump into him. If so I'm at least "ready" rather than be taken off guard by a coincidence. If not then I'm reading way too much into a couple of random encounters.

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 29/01/2017 13:18

CCTV sounds a very good idea.

Batteriesallgone · 29/01/2017 13:48

Just sending support OP. I've been stalked three times. Sounds far fetched but sadly true.

Can only echo what others have said about don't invent a boyfriend or anything else. If he knows your address he knows there's no man around, he knows there's no dog, etc. So he will know you're playing a game with him and he will find that exciting. If he is a stalker he will likely find having power over you arousing and seeing you desperately invent stuff to put him off will be erotic. Sad but true.

Instead of putting your faith in an invented man protector you need a more extended, subtle web of protection. Think 'triangulation' every day you should have been in contact with three different people who could report your whereabouts. Harder for someone with a variety of friends and activities to go missing (if the worst was to happen, or if he is targeting the worst). Resist isolating yourself through fear. I actually found I kept up with friends really well through the scariest patch when I was convinced he was going to break in and hurt me. But it never happened and because they were used to seeing me more friends looked out for me that little bit more.

I also would be careful with CCTV to get one that can't be hacked or used to scare you further. Think Nest sounds quite vulnerable with its wifi / cloud storage but haven't looked into it.

If he realises he can't scare you into retreat or submission he will move on. In my experience anyway.

SimplyNigella · 29/01/2017 13:53

I thought you could change your FB setting so your profile isn't searchable or visible to anyone who isn't your friend? That would make it look as if you're not on there at all. Or, if you only use it for a few close family, you could change your name on there so he cannot find you.

SausageFarmer · 29/01/2017 14:03

Change your routine slightly. See if he changes and you see him on the new routine x

Daaaaaaan · 29/01/2017 14:11

On the fb app, the max I can do is set "who can send you friends request" to friends of friends. I can't see anything to make myself invisible.

OP posts:
Count2three · 29/01/2017 14:14

It goes without saying the OP must put her and her son's safety first but it makes me mad that she should have to change her behaviour Angry

AnthonyPandy · 29/01/2017 14:34

OP could you open a new facebook account in a local name, an equivalent of Jane Smith or whatever, a generic photo of a tree or similar, and add your family again? Your profile would not stand out then. And get a non friend to show you how much of your profile they can see and access.

Klaphat · 29/01/2017 14:40

Change your Facebook settings on a PC, OP.

AragornsManlyStubble · 29/01/2017 14:40

This sounds so unnerving. Such good advice though. May I also suggest that you give someone else a copy of his address so that the only copy is not one that can be easily deleted if he managed to access anything of yours. It would be interesting to know if he gave a fake one ( somewhere more private?) when he messaged you to cover himself.

Stay safe!

Daaaaaaan · 29/01/2017 15:02

Alright will change fb name and ask someone who isn't on fb what they see about me. Can ask neighbour if I can do this on their pc, genuinely didn't know fb functions we're different on phone and computer! Why is that?

His address? I don't know if real. From what I recall he said z.B "I live on acacia avenue, yellow house behind the hairdressers". I don't ever go to that Street, no reason to

OP posts:
AragornsManlyStubble · 29/01/2017 15:50

If it's not real then he must have picked it hoping to lure you there for some reason, so it's important that someone else knows it in case he steps things up and needs to be found by the appropriate people quickly. It's clearly somewhere he can access and he may be known by people in the area even if it's not his main living area.

Could his name be a fake one also?

Iamnuts · 29/01/2017 15:59

Check your FB settings on the privacy shortcuts tab. On "Who can see my stuff?" click the third option - "what do other people see" - shows your public profile (what non-friends can see). You can also type in a name of one of your friends and see what they can see.

I have a friend who was a teenage hacker (now legitimate in his 30s in a highly paid job). His FB profile name was first name similar, surname completely different. That's always an option if you don't have hundreds of friends.

Years ago I had an ex who kept tabs on me all the time. It was uncanny, and this was in the days before the internet. Even if he was on the other side of the world, he seemed to know what I was doing. Much worse with a stranger; stay strong and alert Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2017 17:12

Have you heard from him lately op!

Daaaaaaan · 29/01/2017 17:14

Nothing today aero, but I haven't left the house today.

OP posts:
TooSleepyToCare · 29/01/2017 17:24

Thinking of you and your son, op.

Will keep everything crossed for you both tomorrow BrewCake

TurkeyDinosaurs · 29/01/2017 17:25

Is he stalking you?

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2017 19:39

Oh Daaaaan, you should be able to go about your business without fear. When was the last time you encountered him?

Daaaaaaan · 29/01/2017 20:15

Last was Friday when I was on way to collect ds from school. Saturday changed my timing a little, ds has a class Saturday morning so changed when I left/came home. Today, stayed home.

OP posts:
Hissy · 29/01/2017 20:17

Did you stay indoors because of him?

This will cause issues. Like agoraphobia. Trust me, been there done that, wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Daaaaaaan · 29/01/2017 20:22

Yeah, if I'm honest I did stay home incase I saw him. I didn't desperately need to go out, though I am short on milk and would have gone to get some otherwise.

OP posts:
Daaaaaaan · 29/01/2017 20:23

Although that's crazy thinking because it's so cold atm, noone would be just standing around waiting on the off chance I (anyone) walls past

OP posts: