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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH has his driving test today. AIBU?

285 replies

MandMrs28 · 27/01/2017 10:52

My DH is mid 30's and last year decided that he would like to learn to drive. He's been having lessons and his test is today.

He mentioned to me yesterday that if he passes he would like to take the DC's to the park (in the car) whilst I'm at work over the weekend. I dropped into the conversation that I would prefer him not to go out with the kids alone in the car until he has had some experience at driving. He didn't reply to that but looked abit hurt.

He then said if he passes he would like to drive our car, on his own, around town to get used to the car. We bought a new large car (think 4x4 size) about 8 months ago and it is our pride and joy. I've been with him in this car when he's been practising his manoeuvres and he has struggled because he found the car too big (the car he's been having lessons in is a little clio).

AIBU to say not to take the kids out alone and that I would prefer him not to take the car out alone until he's had some experience with driving a car of that size?? I feel like I'm pissing on his bonfire abit and if he comes back all joyous that he's passed and wants to take the car for a spin what do I say?!?!

OP posts:
Notsleepingeveragain · 27/01/2017 13:46

Huh!? So he can't take the car because its big and new and he can't take the kids out. How is expect to get experience and why bother having lessons. You are being mean to him

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 27/01/2017 13:46

Exactly purple! I regularly drive on the A11, which has three lanes, so exactly like a motorway! But even 2 lanes is the same in principle. I don't get why people get so worked up about motorways?!

steppemum · 27/01/2017 13:47

Believe it or not I also knew how to use windscreen wipers because I'm not an idiot.

You're not, but believe it or not, some people are, and the point was it is entirely possible to pass a test without having used them.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2017 13:47

I really like motorway driving-it's so much easier not to get lost!

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 27/01/2017 13:50

I like it too purple, mainly because I live in the country and am constantly changing gear etc, the motorway let's me just cruise along and listen to music, I find it quite relaxing!

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2017 13:51

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Me too-it's mainly country lanes where I am or city traffic that hardly moves. It's nice to whizz along at 70.

gamerchick · 27/01/2017 13:53

I think every driver should have a motorway lesson after they have passed their test

They're changing the syllabus to include learning on motorways this year apparently.

There's always pass plus OP.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 27/01/2017 13:55

They'll struggle in Norfolk then, there is no motorway lol!

Hellochicken · 27/01/2017 13:55

I think you should let him drive the big car on his own ?or how will he get used to it ?will you get a babysitter and both drive around together?

However children aged 1 and 4 yrs can be distracting in a car and if he isnt used to the big car, IMO it wouldnt be unreasonable to say (after the test) why not get used to driving the car on his own first.

JapaneseTea · 27/01/2017 13:56

I just passed at 40+ and my oh has been good at going out with me for practise as I learn in a small car but drive a fuck off estate thing.

It's fair enough to offer to go around with him a few times while he gets the hang off it. But it is quite hard to pass now so he must be able to drive.

On the other side as the new driver it is hilarious watching oh give up driving 'control' after 20 years!

MrsHathaway · 27/01/2017 13:59

I'd say that most of learning to drive happens after the test, from experience. The test is just a very basic threshold of competence before you're allowed to drive unsupervised.

I definitely agree with this, and with pps' suggestions that at first he drive either without OP as "supervising" driver, or with the DC. I remember how weird it was being officially legally in control of the car for the first time, and that for a long time I would still want reassurance that I was in the correct lane for a roundabout, or judging the speeds of oncoming traffic at junctions, etc.

We have a big 4x4. It took a couple of weeks for me to get used to driving it, and it was fifteen years since I'd passed. You're higher up and you can't see your

MrsHathaway · 27/01/2017 14:00

... edges like you can in a smaller car. The engine responds differently; the gear shifts are at different revs; you want to be able to hear it.

SpringerS · 27/01/2017 14:08

springers that's no different to the UK as far as I am aware. Learner drivers can drive anywhere (except Motorways) with L plates and a qualified driver with 2 or 3 (?) years experience.

That's what I assumed and why I'm surprised that people are saying you can pass your test and still be too inexperienced to drive your kids to a nearby park. It's not like he's planning a 3 hour each way trek up the motorway followed by some crazy twisty windy roads. If he passes his test, surely he's experienced enough to do a few short journeys in the family car? Surely he's been driving the family car and the kids about for the last few months while he gains experience. The only different now is that the OP won't be sitting idly in the passenger seat beside him. Because honestly, apart from in the first few weeks/month when the new driver needs advice on when to join a roundabout/encouragement if the stall repeatedly at a junction/etc there isn't much a sponsored driver actually does. By the time a learner is ready to pass a test the sponsored driver is surely just a legally required passenger? It's been a good few months since my licensed passenger has contributed to my driving, they are just sitting there because they have to. Once I pass a test all that will change is that the legal requirement to have them there is gone, I'll still be the one driving.

KungFuEric · 27/01/2017 14:12

How's the test gone op?

chipsandchilli · 27/01/2017 14:16

I learnt in my own car and instructors car, sometimes i had the kids in my car f i nipped to the shop.

I passed my test but had never driven in the dark, on a motorway or in the snow. After 2 weeks i went to a bigger car and did damage it, luckily i didn't need to claim on insurance but have been left with 3 great big scrapes and a dent.

Just because you pass your test doesn't mean you can drive, i know someone who passed with 20 lessons first time and wrote 3 cars off, her insurance is double my new driver insurance which is high. Some people do flook the test.

Ops fine to be wary as if the car is damaged then this will affect their insurance. I was fine when i had my little 10 year old corsa as it was battered to bits anyway but gutted with the big scrapes on my new car i cant afford to have put right

shovetheholly · 27/01/2017 14:17

I'm assuming you already drive, OP, since you have a car? If so, I don't think your position is necessarily that unreasonable when it comes to longer and more involved trips. It is normal for new drivers to need a bit of advice and help when they are out, and having the humility to recognise that is part of having the maturity to be a driver. I also know for a fact that ANY distraction for a new driver - such as a 1 year old having a tantrum - can be a real problem and having someone else there in those situations is helpful.

However, I would definitely encourage him to pootle along quiet roads without the kids in the back, because that's unlikely to be challenging and will build confidence.

JeffJarrett · 27/01/2017 14:24

My ex put me off driving for 5 years being overbearing and controlling about his/our family car.

I passed my test mid twenties, never really needed to drive before but had just had DS so wanted to learn for convenience. Ex was a backseat driver and constantly snapped at me when he was in the car/was so paranoid about me bumping it when he wasn't, that it was honestly just easier for me not to drive. I ended up with IBS diarrhoea every time I was due to drive because I was so nervous.

Luckily, I came to my senses and got rid of him, then bought myself a car a few years later and am absolutely fine driving now. Still, it was shit that he knocked my confidence so much after spending thousands of pounds on lessons and test fees.

If your DH is confident in his abilities and is sensible enough to go slowly when manoeuvring in small spaces, parks at the empty end of car parks etc etc until he's used to the bigger car, then I don't see a problem. He's not a teenager and presumably is responsible around his DC's the rest of the time. Some people would rather not drive alone until they feel confident, some people are absolutely fine to go it alone. I think you should respect his wishes.

What will you do if you feel he is driving unsafely? You don't have dual controls so can't hit the brakes for him. If it's being on edge and telling him everything you perceive him doing incorrectly, it won't do him any favours.

Also, If he passes today then I'd like to think he's probably a good driver. I don't think I know anyone who passed on their first try.

purplefizz26 · 27/01/2017 14:31

Let's all imagine what the responses would be if a man came on here and said his wife had just passed her test but he didn't want her driving their big car yet and not driving her kids about.
Hmm

kilmuir · 27/01/2017 14:34

ExactLy

AmeliaJack · 27/01/2017 14:36

I'm quite interested in the contrast in the responses here to the responses on the recent "should I pay for my friend's taxi" thread where a brand new driver didn't want to drive her friend's baby and got a terrible bashing for letting her friend down.

Hellochicken · 27/01/2017 15:02

Well when I changed my car to a bigger one (3.5 yrs ago) I did drive it first on my own for a trip to shop and back. I remember specifically getting used to the mirrors etc.
I had 3 DC then and would have driven them if I really needed to on the first "drive" of the car, but I had 14yrs driving experience.

Ehlana · 27/01/2017 15:04

Agree he'll need experience, there's a massive difference in both size and power. Ideally he needs experience before he has the added pressure of kids in the car - what happens if they start playing up when he's driving? How would he cope/deal with such a pressurised situation?

HelenaGWells · 27/01/2017 15:12

Once you can drive it's not that hard to drive a big car for most people it just takes a couple of hours to get used to it.

You can also avoid manoeuvres most of the times. If you park in an empty bit of a car park or on a long stretch of road with few cars there are no reverse parking worries. I can't even remember the last time I had to do a three point turn or reverse round a corner. You only ever need to do that if you end up in a dead end accidentally.

Getting used to the car before the kids go in is a good idea but let him take it out on his own. It will be much easier that way.

HollyJollyDillydolly · 27/01/2017 15:27

Hope the test went well.
I've recently passed my test and have had to buy a small car for me to use as the insurance as dhs monstrous car was too expensive! Insurance does tend to increase from learner to newly passed as well so hopefully it won't be too much on your car?

Yabu not to let your dh drive.

C4Envelope · 27/01/2017 15:29

Yabu