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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH has his driving test today. AIBU?

285 replies

MandMrs28 · 27/01/2017 10:52

My DH is mid 30's and last year decided that he would like to learn to drive. He's been having lessons and his test is today.

He mentioned to me yesterday that if he passes he would like to take the DC's to the park (in the car) whilst I'm at work over the weekend. I dropped into the conversation that I would prefer him not to go out with the kids alone in the car until he has had some experience at driving. He didn't reply to that but looked abit hurt.

He then said if he passes he would like to drive our car, on his own, around town to get used to the car. We bought a new large car (think 4x4 size) about 8 months ago and it is our pride and joy. I've been with him in this car when he's been practising his manoeuvres and he has struggled because he found the car too big (the car he's been having lessons in is a little clio).

AIBU to say not to take the kids out alone and that I would prefer him not to take the car out alone until he's had some experience with driving a car of that size?? I feel like I'm pissing on his bonfire abit and if he comes back all joyous that he's passed and wants to take the car for a spin what do I say?!?!

OP posts:
NotAPuffin · 27/01/2017 11:05

How's he going to get used to the big car if you don't let him drive it? Presumably he's paying for it as well as you, so he has as much right to drive it as you do.

I learned to drive 2 years ago and took lessons with my 3 and 5 year olds in the car because I no choice. It's really not that big a deal driving them with a full licence.

YABVVU. He's a grown-up, let him get on with it.

Original poster
MandMrs28 · 27/01/2017 11:06

No not at all but I know what I was like when I first passed, it's very different being in a car on your own that you have full control over to being in a car with an instructor. I made silly mistakes when I first passed, of course I learnt from them as every new driver does. Luckily my first car was an old banger and I didn't have the added pressure of two kids in the car

OP posts:
LooksBetterWithAFilter · 27/01/2017 11:06

Yabu I learnt to drive when my oldest 2 were 1 and 3 and ex worked away so I didn't have the option of going out on my own to get used to it. If he passes he has been deemed fit enough to drive. If he feels confident and competent enough to take the dc to the park he should do it. Often new driver mistakes are due to nerves and if he feels ok he should go. I was definitely far more confident in the car without another adult after I passed because there was less chance of them making me feel nervous by being critical.

Carollocking · 27/01/2017 11:07

Problem is there are no such thing as safe journeys
,as insurance will clearly tell you more than 60 percent accidents happen within a mile of home

TheFairyCaravan · 27/01/2017 11:07

YABU he needs to go out in the car to get used to it. Imo he's best to do that on his own when the roads are quiet.

I completely understand why you are worried about him taking the children out. I was a nervous wreck when DS1 passed his test and took DS2 out for the first time and vice versa.

WankersHacksandThieves · 27/01/2017 11:09

Is the park local? Is he likely to be out of a 30 zone? If he is only doing a short local drive with the children then I think it's fine. He needs to practice doing normal things and regular trips so that he gets used to it. Worse case scenario is that he has a small slow speed bump in a big safe car. However that is very very unlikely to happen.

aaahhhBump · 27/01/2017 11:10

I passed just after my 30th. My first was one and a half. I drove every time we went out as a family before I passed my test. The family car was a Citron Zara Picasso and instructor's car was a Citron C2. Took daughter out on my own the week I passed my test. My other half was very supportive, he has a long commute so was glad to share the family driving. He's not going to get anymore confident if you don't put some faith in him.

WankersHacksandThieves · 27/01/2017 11:11

if he comes back all joyous that he's passed and wants to take the car for a spin what do I say?!?!

You say congratulations and hand him the keys.

Man10 · 27/01/2017 11:13

Passing your test means you are able to drive!!

I'd say that most of learning to drive happens after the test, from experience. The test is just a very basic threshold of competence before you're allowed to drive unsupervised.

Man10 · 27/01/2017 11:16

as insurance will clearly tell you more than 60 percent accidents happen within a mile of home

It's odd that streets are more dangerous for the people that live near them than they are for other motorists.

Frouby · 27/01/2017 11:16

I would ask him to take the car out at least once before he takes the dcs out. I went from a focus to an l200 pickup truck 2 years ago and tbh the bigger car is easier to drive. It's a bugger to reverse out of small spaces though but I am just a bit more careful about where I park.

If the park is local I wouldn't worry. Tell him any quirks it has like not being good at manoeuvring out of small spaces or where the blind spots are and leave him to it.

The novelty of carting 2 small dcs around, strapping them in and out of car seats and the whinging from the back will soon wear off.

ImperialBlether · 27/01/2017 11:16

I agree with Man10. All a test shows is that in that period of time you were able to drive that specific car.

Moving from a small car to a much bigger car can take even an experienced driver a lot of time and effort to master. Driving with children in the back is the same - it's not easy doing that when you're used to having just one other adult in with you.

roundtable · 27/01/2017 11:17

I passed my test when my eldest was 3. Went straight to driving them around. That was the whole point of me learning to drive as I'd never really needed to before.

I'd have been rather pissed off if my dh had said I wasn't allowed to drive my children around. I also went straight to a 7 seater from a small car. I've scraped the bumper on walls from underestimating turning space in the first 6 months or so but our car is so old (3rd hand) that it's not worth worrying about.

Also, I drove the family around as a learner driver too. Starting off with small trips and then building up to a drive to London. So I wasn't totally new to driving with the kids in the back. If he looks after the children when you're at work he should have the freedom to use the car so the children can do activities. Otherwise, what is the point?

ShowOfHands · 27/01/2017 11:17

I passed my test and that afternoon drove our car (significantly bigger than my instructor's car) with a 5yo and 1yo in it. I was competent enough to pass a test and really, it is better to just get on with it, get in a car as soon as possible after your test and drive under normal conditions. So soon after learning, you're actually hyper aware of everything and more likely to be focused exactly on what you're doing.

He wants to go to the park, not on an off-road race through an alligator pit.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 27/01/2017 11:18

No not at all but I know what I was like when I first passed,

But he's not you. You're projecting your own experience onto him when he may react differently. Give him a chance (and the car keys).

roundtable · 27/01/2017 11:19

A wall not walls!

MyWineTime · 27/01/2017 11:19

Does he lack confidence?
Would you being in the car with him, help or hinder?

I do think YABU, and the fact that you will worry is not a good enough reason to stop him from going out.
It's not unreasonable to suggest that he could take the bigger car out for a spin first (on his own if that's better for him) before he goes out with the kids, but it HAS to be his choice.

Saracen · 27/01/2017 11:21

YABU.

Yes, there's a risk. He's an inexperienced driver. But if he can pass the test he is reasonably competent. He'll be okay. He feels confident enough to go out, which is half the battle.

You can't hold him back forever. Let him do it.

gamerchick · 27/01/2017 11:21

Christ my husband can't wait to hand over the keys to our car. Have a bit of faith and don't piss all over his chips when he's passed.

You shouldn't have said anything, because if he fails anything you say may be perceived as relief he didn't.

SoEverybodyDance · 27/01/2017 11:22

No to taking the kids out for quite a while. He needs practice on his own and the kids will distract him. I think that's really unwise.

Yes to taking the car out on its own on local journeys to build up his confidence. He's passed his test FFS and the UK driving test is one of the hardest in the world.

And yes to you continuing to go out on trips with him to help build up his confidence and ability.

Buscake · 27/01/2017 11:22

I passed aged 31, came home and drove my 5yr old and 4yr old to the woods! Then two days later I took them to a cafe along with my 1 yr old. We all survived! The only way he can get experience driving with the kids is for him to do it. I would have been livid if my husband had not supported me, esp before a test. What a blow to his confidence before a stressful time. Please rethink this and let him try. I'm sure if it is too stressful he would just come back.

80sMum · 27/01/2017 11:25

I think YABU. If he passes his test then he is deemed to be competent.

I drove my 2 year old DD, my friend and her toddler into a town 10 miles away, the day after I passed my test. I was terrified, but it boosted my confidence enormously that I managed it with ease. It convinced me that I was now "a driver".

There were no seat belts in the back of the car, either! My DD had a car seat,so was strapped into that, but friend's DD was just loose on the back seat! Shock That was in 1985.

MaxPepsi · 27/01/2017 11:25

YABU.
The day I passed my test I drove dh's Discovery alone into a busy city centre, with a shit commute for experienced drivers, so I could get to work. I then took my friend out and parked it in a multi storey car park in small tight spaces.
How else would I learn otherwise?
Put him on the insurance and let him drive it.

EweAreHere · 27/01/2017 11:25

YANBU.

Passing a driving test, while difficult, does not mean one is a good, experienced driver who has learned to drive under a variety of conditions. It means they passed the driving test.

It takes hours on the road to become an 'experienced' driver, and a big car with noisy children in it is not something an inexperienced driver should be taking on if it's more than a 5-10 minute drive after the bare minimum of hours to pass a driving test.

I know lots of people who passed their driving tests. They still weren't very good drivers for quite some time. They became good drivers, but that takes time.

purplefizz26 · 27/01/2017 11:25

He's a grown adult, not 17. You can't really tell him he can't drive the family car that presumably he pays towards, once he has passed his test and been deemed safe to drive alone.