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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH has his driving test today. AIBU?

285 replies

MandMrs28 · 27/01/2017 10:52

My DH is mid 30's and last year decided that he would like to learn to drive. He's been having lessons and his test is today.

He mentioned to me yesterday that if he passes he would like to take the DC's to the park (in the car) whilst I'm at work over the weekend. I dropped into the conversation that I would prefer him not to go out with the kids alone in the car until he has had some experience at driving. He didn't reply to that but looked abit hurt.

He then said if he passes he would like to drive our car, on his own, around town to get used to the car. We bought a new large car (think 4x4 size) about 8 months ago and it is our pride and joy. I've been with him in this car when he's been practising his manoeuvres and he has struggled because he found the car too big (the car he's been having lessons in is a little clio).

AIBU to say not to take the kids out alone and that I would prefer him not to take the car out alone until he's had some experience with driving a car of that size?? I feel like I'm pissing on his bonfire abit and if he comes back all joyous that he's passed and wants to take the car for a spin what do I say?!?!

OP posts:
FizzBombBathTime · 27/01/2017 13:04

Per I never felt nervous once I had passed. Honestly!

I wash shite at roundabouts when learning and was generally pretty nervous. As soon as I had changed my insurance and went out on my own it was like a switch flicked and i could just ... Drive.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 27/01/2017 13:04

You know when you look at a car that's indicating to come off a roundabout but you just know from the car position/speed that they're going to blaze right past the exit and straight towards you? When someone doesn't indicate at a junction but you can just tell which way they're going to turn from 20 feet away?

It's stuff that can't be taught, stuff that helps keep you safe in a car but you only get with experience

Which is precisely why her husband should have been insured on the car and driving it whilst learning to drive, so that by the time he passed his test he would have ample driving experience. That is how I learnt, by driving the family everywhere we went together, city town and country driving, visits to family 2hours each way every weekend etc. It only took me three months and it made me a very confident driver.

pictish · 27/01/2017 13:06

The first journey I made alone after passing my test was to pick my kids up from school. Yabu.

steppemum · 27/01/2017 13:07

sorry, that should read get HIM to book a motorway lesson.

My driving instructor used to say that you are not a good driver when you have passed you test, you are simply deemed to be safe enough to be on the roads. being a good driver only comes with a lot of experience.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2017 13:07

My 16 year old son's first 'car' was a 1967 1 tonne ford pickup with a manual transmission and no power steering or brakes. He learnt to drive in a 4 door sedan. He was fine in his truck. Your DH will be fine in a 4x4.

I drove carloads of rowdy teenagers around the So Calif freeways when I was 16 and newly licensed. Your DH will be fine with 2 small children strapped in car seats.

Your DH will understand that he needs to be cautious, he's not a fool I assume.

EveOnline2016 · 27/01/2017 13:08

Tabu, if DH said I couldn't drive the family car I would laugh in his face.

DolomphiousDuck · 27/01/2017 13:09

If he's struggling in the bigger car, why doesn't he have a quick post-test lesson in your car to gain confidence? He'll need to book motorway lessons as well at some point.

Also, if you're concerned at him being overconfident or are a nervous passenger, have you considered both doing the advanced driving course?

pictish · 27/01/2017 13:12

"Jesus Christ. Are you getting your kids and your DH muddled up?"

My thoughts exactly. You sound like his mother.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 27/01/2017 13:12

He'll need to book motorway lessons as well at some point

Erm why?! If he can drive a dual carriageway, he'll be fine on the motorway!

I don't know anyone who had motorway lessons, it's hardly difficult to drive them!

I passed on a Thursday, on the Saturday I hopped on the motorway and went to IKEA, it didn't occur to me not to be are I hadn't had special lessons Hmm

MackerelOfFact · 27/01/2017 13:13

I'm sorry, but so what? Why should the dh here be the same as you were? Plenty of posters have said they drive their children around straight from passing their test. I've always driven with the radio on and often with chatty passengers.

I didn't say the DH will be the same. Fact is though, nobody can tell what he'll be like yet, can they? I was simply adding my experience to the range of other experiences shared by PPs.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 27/01/2017 13:16

The OP hasn't been back has she?

Hmmm. It didn't quite go her way.

pictish · 27/01/2017 13:17

Also agree that there's no 'need' to book motorway lessons. Confused
It's the same as a dual carriageway. Motorways are straightforward imo.

I mean yeah...if you've got the spare cash it's certainly not going to do any harm to do the pass plus course, but it's not any sort of requirement. I didn't take any motorway lessons but I can drive on the motorway ok.

Nanny0gg · 27/01/2017 13:18

I came home from passing my test and my father made me get in his large saloon on my own and go off and drive.

It (and I) survived.

I might be with you about the children though...

llangennith · 27/01/2017 13:19

I understand your trepidation. If your (hypothetical) teenage son had just passed his test would you be happy for him to drive his young siblings to the park in a big 4x4?
The age of the newly qualified driver isn't relevant. It's experience that counts.
But you're going to have to learn to share OP!

SpringerS · 27/01/2017 13:20

Wow, the British learning to drive system seems to be so different to the Irish one. I'm a learner driver, who took my first ever lesson in June and am awaiting my test. I've been driving around with my son in the car since the end of July. I need to have a qualified driver in the passenger seat with me but they aren't the one driving, I am.

I drive all over my city, through city traffic, suburbs, twisty country roads, small towns and villages, major national roads and dual carriageways that are almost identical to motorways except that the speed limit is 20km/p/h lower. I can chat to my passenger, listen to the radio and put up with 4yo DS's critical assessment of my driving which thanks to Blaze and the Monster Machines, is scarily accurate and used to be super patronising. While I've only been driving for a few months I have gained a LOT of experience in driving and I doubt I'd be able to gain the skills to pass a test without driving all the bloody time for months on end.

If you are nervous about your children's car safety maybe you should invest in some really, really good car seats. The first thing I did when I bought my car was order a top class car seat that has passed the Swedish plus test and will do my son until he is 6 or 7. Then I spent the best part of an hour fitting it and making it secure enough that if I try to shake the seat my whole car wobbles. Odds are that my son is safer in the car with me driving than he would be with with a more experienced driver and poorer quality seats.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 27/01/2017 13:26

It's stuff that can't be taught, stuff that helps keep you safe in a car but you only get with experience

This is also "stuff" that you pick up walking around, cycling, and being a passenger. Most people have a modicum of road sense even without driving. If I am walking down the street I also need to be able to judge car speed so that I know when to cross the road safely for example.

I agree that you learn a lot through having experience driving, but you unlearn a lot, too. I imagine a lot of people on this thread passed their tests many years ago - the UK driving test is much more difficult now.

00100001 · 27/01/2017 13:28

springers that's no different to the UK as far as I am aware. Learner drivers can drive anywhere (except Motorways) with L plates and a qualified driver with 2 or 3 (?) years experience.

NotCitrus · 27/01/2017 13:28

Have to admit I really, really appreciated having a motorway lesson (booked the morning after driving drunken DP for five hours on the M20 and M25, which had been terrifying) - turned out I'd never had mirrors at the right angle and could never detect what lane things were in behind me.

Also when I did have my motorway lesson - two hours on the M1, M25, and A1M triangle - there was a big crash in front of me, which my emergency stop prevented me from being in by a couple inches. Felt much, much happier having that experience.

Like many people I'd never been able to practice outside driving lessons as didn't know anyone who could get me insured on their car. Ironically I'd passed my US test but not been able to collect my licence 30 days later - it would have been way cheaper to change that flight and thus have a US licence so I could practice in the UK for a year, rather than pay for another 30+ hours of lessons...

LucklessMonster · 27/01/2017 13:33

I feel desperately sorry for you if a car is your pride and joy.

Loosen up.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 27/01/2017 13:34

notcitrus you should have just bought your own car and driven it with a driver in with you, rather than wait to buy the car and pay for lessons too.

I paid for one lesson, so I could be put through for my test DP taught me to drive, so I only paid £80 for my test and a lesson, bargain!

steppemum · 27/01/2017 13:37

I think every driver should have a motorway lesson after they have passed their test.

Driving on a motorway is similar but not the same as a dual carriageway, and anyway, not everywhere has dual carriageways of any length to practise on while learning. It is entirely possible to pass a driving test having never driven in the dark, on a dual carriageway or in the rain.

In fact someone I know who used to be tester had funny stories about people taking tests and not knowing what to do when they couldn't see out of their window due to it raining. They had learnt during the summer and just never been out in the rain.

He was the one who said to me everyone, after passing their test, should have a motorway lesson, and, if they have never driven out of a built up area at night, they should have a night lesson.

I am constantly appalled at people who post on here saying they are nervous of driving long distances because it involves driving on a motorway.

MargaretCavendish · 27/01/2017 13:41

If your (hypothetical) teenage son had just passed his test would you be happy for him to drive his young siblings to the park in a big 4x4?

This made me think of the day I passed my driving test. I came home from school, announced I'd passed and asked my brother (who would have been 14 at the time) whether he wanted to come with me for a drive. My mum looked like she was going to cry, and she later admitted that she had been on the edge of panic the whole time we were gone. But she let me do it, because, ultimately, she trusted me. If you can't trust your partner to be as careful with your children's safety as you are then I think that's pretty sad.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2017 13:42

steppe what's the difference between driving in a motorway and a dual carriageway? I take your point that some people won't have had much experience driving on dual carriageways so they would find a motorway lesson useful, but for those of us that did I really can't see the need for specific motorway lessons.

NerrSnerr · 27/01/2017 13:44

Steppe I disagree that everyone needs a motorway lesson. If you feel you need one yourself then go for it but not everyone needs it. I had plenty of duel carriageway experience when learning and I was confident of the rules of motorway driving. I think the first time I drove on the motorway I went at a quiet time but following the rules it is not difficult, the lanes are wide and they tend to be easy roads to drive.

Believe it or not I also knew how to use windscreen wipers because I'm not an idiot.

I was a nervous driver when I first passed but I needed to drive for my work so just got on with it. No extra lessons were needed, just practice.

strawberrypenguin · 27/01/2017 13:44

YABU. I learnt to drive and immediately started driving with my then one year old in the car. That was the point of me learning to be able to go places without DH driving if I needed/wanted too.
You sound quite possessive of the family car and unfair to your DH - does he usually need your permission to take the children places while your at work?

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