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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH has his driving test today. AIBU?

285 replies

MandMrs28 · 27/01/2017 10:52

My DH is mid 30's and last year decided that he would like to learn to drive. He's been having lessons and his test is today.

He mentioned to me yesterday that if he passes he would like to take the DC's to the park (in the car) whilst I'm at work over the weekend. I dropped into the conversation that I would prefer him not to go out with the kids alone in the car until he has had some experience at driving. He didn't reply to that but looked abit hurt.

He then said if he passes he would like to drive our car, on his own, around town to get used to the car. We bought a new large car (think 4x4 size) about 8 months ago and it is our pride and joy. I've been with him in this car when he's been practising his manoeuvres and he has struggled because he found the car too big (the car he's been having lessons in is a little clio).

AIBU to say not to take the kids out alone and that I would prefer him not to take the car out alone until he's had some experience with driving a car of that size?? I feel like I'm pissing on his bonfire abit and if he comes back all joyous that he's passed and wants to take the car for a spin what do I say?!?!

OP posts:
SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 27/01/2017 12:18

How distracting are the kids?

When I passed, I didn't drive for a couple of weeks until I got my larger mid-size car, and at the same time moved to a new city. I then began a commute to a neighbouring city with different driving conditions to the suburb I had most of my lessons in. I also had to adjust to country driving soon after. Most of my driving was on my own, and that was useful more me to learn it myself, not having the complication of another person's advice.

I'd say that being on your own is good. Children possibly an unnecessary distraction. Send him off to get the feel of the car and find a quiet car park to practice manouvering it in.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/01/2017 12:19

I should add - from my own experience - I passed my test while I was at university, as a mature student, and I was engaged to dh at the time. When I passed, he lent me his car - a Sierra (so not a small car) so I could go to and from my house to the campus which was in the countryside, not terribly well served by buses (I went to Keele).

Yes, it was very different, driving a big car on my own, after doing most of my driving supervised, in a small car with dual controls, but being trusted by dp helped my confidence a lot - and just doing lots of driving really helped me too.

Dh and I have been through it from the other side, with all three dses too - so I can kind-of understand things from your perspective too. It is a worry the first few times they go out on their own. Ds2's first real drive on his own was from Dundee to Paisley - a long, long drive. Dh went with him on the outbound journey to Dundee, and came home by train (ds2 had to be there all day refereeing hockey matches), and ds2 drove himself home - and I did fret, until he was home safe.

Likewise, ds1's first big drive was from our home to his new home (Paisley to Tonbridge in Kent), before starting work after graduating - in his first car, which had to be capable of long distances, and going on site (he was starting work as a graduate trainee quantity surveyor), so he'd chosen a volvo estate - so a long drive and a big car. And that time I fretted too, so I do understand the worrying.

But the more driving he does, the more confidence he will attain, and the faster he will attain it.

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/01/2017 12:20

If my dp had said this to me I'd have told him.to fuck off.

I didn't spend 4 hours a week for a ur leading to drive on my to be told I had to go back on the bus as I was too new to drive the kids.

Given the sole purpose was fir the school run how I'd have gained the experience I don't know. Certainly wouldn't have felt like ginger back. Out after freezing my tits off at bus stops all morning.

Yabu

AnyFucker · 27/01/2017 12:20

I think you need to chill out

Even my 18yo dd got straight in her car and drove to work down the frickin' motorway within a couple of days of passing her test

I was petrified but you have to have faith. He's a grown man.

daddyorscience · 27/01/2017 12:22

Driving with kids is a huge distraction.. I'd say drive by all means, but not with the kids yet. Learn the car first.

My fiesta sized car broke last year, so I hired another vehicle. I was given an 11 seater minibus.

Took a day to adapt before I was OK to take the kids in the beast...Grin they loved it, I loved it..

Rainatnight · 27/01/2017 12:23

alltouchedout your DH doesn't sound very nice. It sounds like he doesn't want you to drive. Sad

chipsandchilli · 27/01/2017 12:24

Hmmmm. I'm about to start learning to drive, in my mid 30s too. DH has so far told me he doesn't think I'll ever manage to learn, that if I do manage to pass the test I will still be a really nervous driver, that if I pass he thinks I should get a tiny car and not drive his (which is a Ford Focus so hardly huge), that he would never want to be a passenger with me driving... It has not made me feel kindly towards him to be honest. Give your DH a break, if he passes, he shouldn't be further restricted by you.

Probably wasn't a good idea but i got my kids dad, my EX to learn me how to drive for a few weeks, all i got was jesus christ, him using not there pedals to break while shouting and clinging onto the dash. Ive passed my test and he asked me for a lift once and i told him never again as he makes me so nervous and done all of the above, kids said dad your pathetic she's fine, he won't ask for a lift now as ive refused him so many time's. He really knocked my confidence while learning.

wanderings · 27/01/2017 12:24

I'm guessing your dh is older than 17. If so, he'd be well past the feelings of invincibility that some teenagers have, where there is a certain fear of letting them loose on a car.

I used to be an instructor, I taught many new parents (male and female) who as soon as they passed, were going to get straight in the car and drive their kids everywhere. (I had far more new parents than 17 year olds!) Lots of single parents too - who could they pass the driving to?

Cheby · 27/01/2017 12:25

YANBU about the kids in the car. I would suggest he spent some time going out on his own, getting used to not having the support of an instructor there, and getting used to your family car before he even thinks of taking two under 5s out on his own.

I would say the fact that he isn't assessed this risk for himself is an indicator that he isn't ready to do it.

chipsandchilli · 27/01/2017 12:25

I meant to say if he is gong on like this now don't go out with him or it will take you longer

Ohdearducks · 27/01/2017 12:26

I passed my test and drove alone later that night in sleet and snow with my baby in the back 10 years ago! We were fine and it never occurred to me not to. If he's competent to pass his test he's competent to drive his kids.

MackerelOfFact · 27/01/2017 12:26

YANBU. After passing my test (late 20s) it was about 6 months before I could hold a conversation or listen to the radio while driving as I needed total concentration (still do, obviously, but it becomes easier!) let alone have two small children in the car with unpredictable noise and needs. That's before you factor in the large and unfamiliar car!

I'm not sure I would be happy TBH, but I do understand that he might see 'taking the kids to the park in the car' as an achievement to focus on to pass his test. I had something similar. It doesn't have to be the same day though! TBH he will probably be sick of driving by the time he returns from his test.

sugarplumfairy28 · 27/01/2017 12:26

I haven't read the whole thread, but in answer to the original post I think YABU. He has to get used to driving with DC in the car, he has to get used to driving a bigger car if that is what you have, and he has to get used to driving alone with DC. If he feels confident enough to do it, then let him. The ONLY thing I would say or suggest to him is to only drive on roads he is familiar with at first, don't go off on some jaunt to some random place at first.

Driving a bigger car isn't that difficult, if you have eyes in your head. You can see how wide it is, you can see how long it is, you can see where on the road you are. I drive a big 4x4 but I have also driven a lorry with my DS in the cab on my first attempt, a sprinter van, and also a Hummer. The concept is exactly the same. Personally I think those that are scared of big cars aren't very accomplished drivers.

wanderings · 27/01/2017 12:27

Plus, you're taking a risk every time you drive the car anyway, even you. The road will never be risk-free.

Carollocking · 27/01/2017 12:27

No way I'd have on my insurance,as you loose all your years no claims if he messes up as can't protect if new driver

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2017 12:27

I would say the fact that he isn't [hasn't?]assessed this risk for himself is an indicator that he isn't ready to do it.

What makes the op the one who has the final say in this? He has been judged to be a safe driver (assuming he's passed). He has not been judged good enough to only drive on his own.

alltouchedout · 27/01/2017 12:28

@Rainatnight he's not being very nice about this, I agree- which I am finding weird as he is generally supportive of anything I want to achieve! I need to talk to him about it this weekend actually.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2017 12:29

YANBU. After passing my test (late 20s) it was about 6 months before I could hold a conversation or listen to the radio while driving as I needed total concentration (still do, obviously, but it becomes easier!) let alone have two small children in the car with unpredictable noise and needs. That's before you factor in the large and unfamiliar car!

I'm sorry, but so what? Why should the dh here be the same as you were? Plenty of posters have said they drive their children around straight from passing their test. I've always driven with the radio on and often with chatty passengers.

wigglesrock · 27/01/2017 12:29

YABU - I passed my test at the age of 35 - my kids were 3 and 14 months. I also learnt in a smaller car to the one we owned. The whole point of me learning to drive was so that I could drive the two kids not wait until my husband told me he thought it was appropriate for me to drive. My husband would have got very short shrift from me had he even suggested it, I'm an adult I can make decision like that myself.

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/01/2017 12:32

Who's to say he hasn't assessed it.

Maybe he's already asked the instructor for pointers/advice on a bigger car.

Maybe he has looked on you tube or whatever for demonstrations of reference pints fir manovers etc

Maybe he already has a quiet cat park and street ear marked to practice in already.

How about trusting him.

MossytheMouse · 27/01/2017 12:32

I think you are being unreasonable. IMO the best drivers on the road are the ones who have just passed the test. I think drivers get more careless as they go on. And I think he will never get used to the bigger car if he can only drive it with you watching like a hawk. I don't mean for that to sound bitchy. I know how you feel, but it won't help his confidence.

LightTripper · 27/01/2017 12:33

I agree with the idea of him having one or two more lessons with the instructor in your car after he has passed, and maybe take it out a couple of times himself to get used to it before he takes your DC out.

But in the end he needs to take your car out or what is the point of him doing and passing the test? And I think having you in the car (particularly if he knows you are nervous about him driving) is not likely to go well - he will probably drive worse and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I certainly agree it's worth getting used to a new car before dealing with kids + new car (we recently bought a new car and I haven't driven it on my own with DD yet as I wanted to drive it a few times just myself first to get the feel for it, without the distraction of a toddler). But if he passes the test this shouldn't take too long.

PeridotPassion · 27/01/2017 12:33

YANBU about the dc. I wouldn't want the dc to go in a car with any new driver, not until they'd at least had a few weeks of regular driving.

Wellitwouldbenice · 27/01/2017 12:34

Jesus Christ. Are you getting your kids and your DH muddled up? ...and you sound controlling.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2017 12:35

I agree with the idea of him having one or two more lessons with the instructor in your car after he has passed, and maybe take it out a couple of times himself to get used to it before he takes your DC out.

Do people really need lessons to drive a bigger car?