My DH has his driving test today. AIBU?

[MandMrs28]

My DH is mid 30's and last year decided that he would like to learn to drive. He's been having lessons and his test is today.

He mentioned to me yesterday that if he passes he would like to take the DC's to the park (in the car) whilst I'm at work over the weekend. I dropped into the conversation that I would prefer him not to go out with the kids alone in the car until he has had some experience at driving. He didn't reply to that but looked abit hurt.

He then said if he passes he would like to drive our car, on his own, around town to get used to the car. We bought a new large car (think 4x4 size) about 8 months ago and it is our pride and joy. I've been with him in this car when he's been practising his manoeuvres and he has struggled because he found the car too big (the car he's been having lessons in is a little clio).

AIBU to say not to take the kids out alone and that I would prefer him not to take the car out alone until he's had some experience with driving a car of that size?? I feel like I'm pissing on his bonfire abit and if he comes back all joyous that he's passed and wants to take the car for a spin what do I say?!?!

This idea that once you've passed your test you're an excellent, competent, unflappable driver, end of story, is IMO quite dodgy. It's not just boy racers who increase the insurance rate for newly-qualified drivers. A newly-qualified driver may be technically proficient and very careful, but have little experience of dealing with distractions; when DH was learning to drive, right up until he passed his test, he always complained that the instructor kept talking too much, so he couldn't concentrate.

I understand that, in plenty of circumstances, newly-qualified drivers do just have to drive kids from the start - but if there's a choice, I think it's definitely a good idea to get some solo practice in first. Unless there's some new aspect of the test I haven't heard about, which examines your ability to navigate Wandsworth's red-route one-way system in heavy traffic while a small gibbon in the backseat alternates between howling and vomiting into the footwell.

Imagine if this was the other way around.....people would be saying how controlling he was etc.

YABU

YABU about car - can't decide on kids bit. He is their dad and others have said some people have to.

Try thinking about it this way. What if you had a bump with the kids in the car (because lets face it accidents can and do happen to people all the time) and he said that he now didn't trust you to take the kids out on your won without him - how would that make you feel?

Arum - he wants to drive to the park, not half ways across Europe.

When DS passed, I took him to a quiet area and he practised parking, manoevering, driving around to get used to the car. He definitely needs to do this. You probably need to get out and leave him to it, though, so you don't put him off! We had a quiet industrial area with a supermarket which works well. All very slow, but lots of hazards to practise with.

The last thing he wants is to damage his confidence by having a bump.

And no DCs just yet, I agree. It just ramps up the pressure. He wants to celebrate though, and show what he can do, so maybe plan a trip for a week's time. Then he can postpone it if he isn't confident by then.

And no DCs just yet, I agree. It just ramps up the pressure. He wants to celebrate though, and show what he can do, so maybe plan a trip for a week's time. Then he can postpone it if he isn't confident by then.

What if he come home and says he wants to take the kids out today? On what grounds does the op flat out refuse to let him given he is a qualified driver and their dad?

I wouldn't want him taking out the children until he got more confident driving a bigger car. Thats a big jump from a Clio to a 4 x 4. I would get him to go out and about in the car, go somewhere quiet and practice manoeuvring in the bigger car. Driving with children can be very distracting. Mine can be annoying in the car and I've been driving for 17 years. Not a good idea for a new driver.

Do people really need lessons to drive a bigger car?

Quite a few of the mothers in the country side primary my children went too (in the 4x4's) really OUGHT to have had those lessons. Sometimes I think it should be compulsory to do if you move up to 4x4 or people carriers.

alltouchedout

Get yourself a new husband as well as a new car.
What an unsupportive arsehole.

If he passes, he's a driver. Boost his confidence and let him get on with it. I didn't take my test until I was in my thirties and my husband's confidence in me was incredibly important. My first trip out without another adult was to drop my son off at a birthday party. I suggested my husband came too but he pretty much shoved me out the door and told me to get on with it. I drive anywhere now. His faith in me was really influential in my confidence and attitude to driving.

Just adding to my previous message. I went from driving a teeny tiny car to learn in to a much larger family car. Not an issue.

It's so terribly patronising and controlling. I'm honestly quite shocked. This is a grown man having to ask permission to take his own kids and his own car out, like the op gets to decide what he is and is not allowed to do.

Seriously, WTAF.

That was a shitty thing to say just before his test op. You may well have solved the problem by undermining his confidence enough he fails.

But why hasn't he had any driving practice in the family car? Best way for him to become a confident driver is to get out and do it. He shouldn't have to need your permission to get in a jointly owned car and drive. I can't imagine, given what you've already said to him, having you in the passenger seat will help instil any confidence anyway.

I do understand were you are coming from.

4x4 are in my opinion not for new drivers. They are for experienced drivers.

I too would be a nervous wreck with him taking the kids out at first as they are the most precious things you have.

Get in the car with him tonight if he's passed his test (having phoned the insurers to add him first, of course), drive to the supermarket, practice driving round the car park and in and out of large spaces, and then let him at it.

When I passed, MrNC came to my work with his car (a much larger Vauxhall than the Corsa I'd mostly driven), I drove up and down the hill and in and out of the car park a few times, and then to town. He's a terrible side-seat driver - the kids are fine in comparison!

Get a babysitter and let him drive you somewhere tonight for a nice celebration dinner. That way he can get used to the car and his male efo stays intact.

Male ego that is...

What is wrong with someone newly qualified driving a bigger motor? I genuinely never noticed the difference (apart from finding a parking space big enough for the tank of a car I had)

Get a babysitter and let him drive you somewhere tonight for a nice celebration dinner. That way he can get used to the car and his male efo stays intact.

What's this got to do with male ego? I'd be livid if dh wouldn't let me drive a shared car. It's not a make or female thing. It's a not wanting to be controlled issue.

Just show him how much the insurance will be with him driving your car, and he may change his mind. People, especially men, can be overconfident about their abilities just after passing their test. Does he really want to put his DCs at risk?

I took my test in my 30s and went straight to commuting 30 miles each way to work. My first experience of driving through rush hour traffic alone was terrifying! Any passengers, especially children, would have been too much.

On what grounds does the op flat out refuse to let him given he is a qualified driver and their dad?

A bit of respect and consideration goes both ways. What sort of partner would listen to their spouse's concerns about an inexperienced driver with a new car driving their kids, and say tough shit, I'm technically qualified so I'm going anyway? Opinions vary about the degree of concern it actually merits, but this isn't 'don't go outside in case an asteroid falls on you' - driving with kids, driving an unfamiliar vehicle, and driving without supervision for the first time are all potentially tricky. It's not an urgent trip. It's not a curtailment of someone's human rights to say, okay, I'll get a bit of experience under my belt first.

And, YY: judging from the driving (and parking) around here, some people DO need extra lessons to drive a 4x4.

Do people forget what it's like just after you pass your test?

I can remember what I was like for at least a few days, if not a couple of weeks. Plus i've been in the car with about 5 other people over the years, all the same. For the majority of people, even those that fly through their tests, it's nervewracking suddenly being in a car alone, with no extra support or instruction. You doubt yourself at roundabouts, you fuck up lane changes.

More importantly, you don't have 'the feels' which only come with experience. You know when you look at a car that's indicating to come off a roundabout but you just know from the car position/speed that they're going to blaze right past the exit and straight towards you? When someone doesn't indicate at a junction but you can just tell which way they're going to turn from 20 feet away?

It's stuff that can't be taught, stuff that helps keep you safe in a car but you only get with experience.

few practise trips in the car, until he feels confident with it (without you)

Book him in for a motorway lesson with and instructor, and if he hasn't done any night driving, for a night lesson.

Then you need to back off and let him drive.

I would be annoyed if I was your DH. First off, if he pays towards the car and has adequate insurance you'd be hard pressed to stop him driving it.

Secondly, same with the kids. They're his kids as well, not sure why you would stop him driving with him.

Insurers tend to have lower premiums for newer cars now, so it may cost less to insure a newly qualified driver on a new car than it would to get a second, older car, and insure him on that. What policy did you buy the car under? If it was PCP, then often they don't mind some bumps to the car and will still provide a quote at the end of the policy term.

I also passed my driving test once I was already a parent. I had to drive my children around pretty much straight away, however, my instructor did advise some early sunday morning driving, for things like motorways and difficult junctions, to get me used to dealing with those situations when it was quiet. There is no need for your children to be in the car whilst he gains confidence on small drives, but I assume he will have had quite a bit of practice driving on normal roads.

I understand your concern re the DC as they can be very distracting even for an experienced driver, but I think yabu to not let him use the car at all.

I would just check that your insurance will cover him immediately when (not if!) he passes, as his insurance cover I guess will be based upon him not having a full licence so will possibly be invalid, iyswim. You may need to inform them that he now has a full license just to keep the records straight.

Good luck Mr Mand - what time is/was the test?