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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH has his driving test today. AIBU?

285 replies

MandMrs28 · 27/01/2017 10:52

My DH is mid 30's and last year decided that he would like to learn to drive. He's been having lessons and his test is today.

He mentioned to me yesterday that if he passes he would like to take the DC's to the park (in the car) whilst I'm at work over the weekend. I dropped into the conversation that I would prefer him not to go out with the kids alone in the car until he has had some experience at driving. He didn't reply to that but looked abit hurt.

He then said if he passes he would like to drive our car, on his own, around town to get used to the car. We bought a new large car (think 4x4 size) about 8 months ago and it is our pride and joy. I've been with him in this car when he's been practising his manoeuvres and he has struggled because he found the car too big (the car he's been having lessons in is a little clio).

AIBU to say not to take the kids out alone and that I would prefer him not to take the car out alone until he's had some experience with driving a car of that size?? I feel like I'm pissing on his bonfire abit and if he comes back all joyous that he's passed and wants to take the car for a spin what do I say?!?!

OP posts:
SpikeGilesSandwich · 27/01/2017 11:54

I'm just thrilled to know I'm not the only one in my 30's who can't drive! Certainly feels like it round here, people look at me like I'm an alien. Hmm
YANBU OP but I can see why your DH would be upset too, it's a tricky one. Kids are very distracting and the level of concentration needed will be maximum for him until driving a big car starts to come more natural. Practicing without the kids would probably be best. Maybe you could suggest he drives you all on a fun trip at Easter together as something to look forward to and to confirm your confidence in him?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 27/01/2017 11:56

Blimey, be glad you aren't married to me then! DP taught me to drive, I drove us everywhere we went bar the motorway, DD1 was 7 and DD2 a tiny baby. Passed first time three months after we started.

Let him drive the car, so what if it takes him 20 attempts to park it, that's how he will learn, not by having you looking over his shoulder the whole time.

as for the kids, you are being precious, they will be fine! If he's struggling he will pull over, he won't put them in danger and at their age they won't be distracting and if they are, they are old enough to understand if told dad needs to concentrate etc.

Don't spoil it for him OP, he'll resent you for it.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 27/01/2017 11:59

Maybe you could suggest he drives you all on a fun trip at Easter together as something to look forward to and to confirm your confidence in him?

How massively patronising! Easter is MONTHS away!

I learnt to drive in a small-ish car then we knew DC3 was coming so I got a S-Max, I'd not long passed. It is actually easier to drive the big car than the small one.

I drove my kids around on my own straight after passing, why wouldn't I?!

Parker231 · 27/01/2017 11:59

He doesn't need your permission to his children out in his car !

harderandharder2breathe · 27/01/2017 11:59

If he's passed his test then he doesn't need your permission to take his DC out in the family car.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/01/2017 11:59

YABU and horribly unsupportive. Yy he needs to get used to driving your car but one long drive should be enough for him to assess how different it is and how comfortable he feels driving it. Trust his judgement. They're his children and it's the family car. He will care about both just as much as you do unless he has a long history of reckless decision making Don't turn it into a situation where he has to prove himself to you or where you are both on opposite sides because that won't help him to learn to trust his own judgement about driving.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2017 12:01

know I'm being unreasonable really but I will worry myself to death knowing he's newly passed and out in the car with the two DC's whilst I'm at work!

So find something to distract you.

I feel like I'm pissing on his bonfire abit and if he comes back all joyous that he's passed and wants to take the car for a spin what do I say?!?!

You say congratulations and give him the keys. Once you pass your driving test there are no stipulations that you must only drive small cars on your own with the permission of your wife.

Presumably it's a family car so he has as much right to drive it as you do. Presumably he's also the children's father so has an equal say in whether they're in the car with him or not.

YABU.

SplendorSolis · 27/01/2017 12:02

YABU by not taking him out to practice driving the family car now before his test. He should be driving at every opportunity right now. Find some big empty car parks in out if the way places, let him practice his manoeuvres and getting a feel for the bigger vehicle. YABU for knocking his confidence in his abilities before his test. The time to suggest he goes out a few times himself in the bigger car before subjecting himself to the potential distraction of the kids is directly after the test and not in the way "I don't trust you with our kids" that its coming across here but in an encouraging way of "Here's the keys, take it out a few times to get used to driving alone so you can concentrate without passengers distracting you."

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/01/2017 12:03

@MandMrs28 - what about the suggestion from a previous poster - that your dh has a lesson or two more from his instructor, in your car - so that he can get some practice at manoeuvering it with advice and guidance from the instructor.

DollyMcDolly · 27/01/2017 12:03

When I passed my test, I had to drive DS straight away. If he passes his test, then he's fine to drive. Incidentally, When I was learning, I practiced with DS IN the car. Obviously DH was there as well. Had no one else to look after him. I would be very annoyed if I was your DH

LittleBoat · 27/01/2017 12:04

Another Yabu here, though I understand your concerns.

Tootsiepops · 27/01/2017 12:05

YABU. Very, very unreasonable. And a bit ridiculous.

I passed my test on Monday. My test finished at 12pm. At 1pm (after a phone call to my insurance company) I took my car to pick my one year old up from nursery.

I'd have told my husband to do one if he'd said to me what you said to your husband.

MrsBethel · 27/01/2017 12:06

I feel your pain.

My DH is an inexperienced driver and, despite sticking to safe speeds, is approximately 10,000 times more likely to have an accident than me - probably either a parking prang, or grazing a parked car with the left side.

IMO it's reasonable to keep him off the motorway / massive A roads until he's more adept, which mine does voluntarily.

Otherwise as long as it's only a risk of dings/scrapes, I think you just have to let them go out there and fuk that sht up.

monkeymamma · 27/01/2017 12:09

Reading this with great interest as your situation is very similar to ours. I am 34, passed my driving test last summer after 16 years of lessons, eight tests and six different instructors. Kids were 1 and 4 at the time. We also, perhaps ill-advisedly!, upgraded to a really nice mpv shortly afterwards.
If my dh had said I wasn't allowed to take the kids out after I passed I'd have gone mental! That said I'd had years of practising driving our car with the kids in it (iyswim) with dh beside me, and no dual control obviously so he already had that trust in me.
When we got the big car he advised me I'd be best doing a short journey first, which I did (just five mins up the road to the supermarket). However he'd never have 'allowed'/'not allowed' me - I'm an adult fgs!
Reading your post has made me realise how supportive my dh in fact was.
You're also taking about him driving like it's some crazy hobby he's taken up on a whim - believe me you'll be delighted when it comes to the crunch because both parents being able to drive makes life a lot easier.
Ironically I have not had an accident yet (touch wood, I'm sure there will be something at some point) but my dh (passed his test at 17, has years of experience) had a bump in the new car (not his fault though) and crumpled the bonnet. So, you know, you might ban your dh from driving your swanky car then prang it yourself!
Driving is a serious business and it's always right to exercise caution. But you really need to treat your husband like an adult and trust his judgement too.

nocampinghere · 27/01/2017 12:09

YABU
he's not talking about driving them on his own on a long journey.

ps get used to your car having a few dings and dents. it is a car.

BreconBeBuggered · 27/01/2017 12:09

Agree with the suggestion of a lesson in the family car with his instructor, if he passes and wants to do it. As for having you in the passenger seat the first few goes, I personally found that very undermining as I'd been out practising a lot with DH and it felt to me as if nothing had changed and I was still under instruction. He should be developing his confidence once he has his licence, and only he can know the best way to go about that.

FizzBombBathTime · 27/01/2017 12:11

I think YABU, as soon as I passed I was a lot more confident than I was when I was learning. I bought a big saloon when I passed and was fine

Good luck to your husband!

myfavouritecolourispurple · 27/01/2017 12:12

My DH is an inexperienced driver and, despite sticking to safe speeds, is approximately 10,000 times more likely to have an accident than me - probably either a parking prang, or grazing a parked car with the left side

It's easy to have a parking prang but he really should not be anywhere near a parked car on the left hand side if he has passed his test.

And I agree with the poster above who said the suggestion of waiting until Easter is massively patronising. I was not a confident driver after I passed my test and still avoid motorway driving and driving in the dark as much as possible. However, lots of people pass their test and are confident from the off. If your DH is confident after passing his test, he is fit to drive on his own. In fact he's probably safer than you are because he won't have developed all the bad habits experienced drivers have. And he'll get used to the big car. I have always stuck to smaller cars because they are much easier to park in stupidly small spaces, but if you've got a bigger car he'll have to learn to park it!

PlumsGalore · 27/01/2017 12:12

I would be interested to know how much the insurance goes up on a 4x4 with a brand new driver on it. It might be cheaper to run a teeny tiny second cheap car for a couple of years first!

Carollocking · 27/01/2017 12:14

It will be mega crazy increase like a grand possibly

hellomoon · 27/01/2017 12:14

I see your point - I remember my driving instructor saying that you don't learn to drive a car until after you've passed your test!

He needs to drive the car to get used to it - so unfortunately, whilst I understand your nerves, yabu.

Perhaps suggest that he takes the car out a few times before he takes the kids out... so that he's not distracted by them whilst trying to get to grips with a larger car. Other than that, I think you'll just have to grit your teeth and handover the keys!

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2017 12:14

I would be interested to know how much the insurance goes up on a 4x4 with a brand new driver on it. It might be cheaper to run a teeny tiny second cheap car for a couple of years first!

Even if it's more expensive, surely it can't be as much as buying and insuring a second car. Confused

FizzBombBathTime · 27/01/2017 12:15

Plum I've always found it doesn't really matter what car it is, especially when you've just passed. When I was 17 my insurance was the same on the small car I had for learning and the big car I bought when I passed. About 2 grand Shock

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 27/01/2017 12:17

my insurance with my provisional was £1200 a year, when I passed it increased to 1600. Renewed it at 12 months and it went down to 400 so not expensive for long!

ASDismynormality · 27/01/2017 12:18

YABU

I starting driving my three children around in my 7 seater car as soon as I passed, that was the point of being able to drive for me. I did however have a few of my lessons in my own car before I passed to get used to it.

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