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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect dd to sort it herself.

93 replies

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 08:39

Secondary age, I made her lunch, I gave her money, I put her keys with it. I reminded her THREE times to take it. She was too busy faffing with her phone and straightening her hair.

She has had breakfast, she has 30p for toast, she has a drink and a water bottle, she has snacks she has taken from the cupboard (mini chedders/cereal bar/pepparami etc)

In the past I would have gone running, In the past she has rang me saying she has forgotten books, homework, lunch etc and I have walked the mile and a half to her old school with the stuff in the past but I am not well and clearly she is not learning to be responsible for her stuff that way as she continues to not bother checking and then calling me expecting me to drop everything to sort it out, whether I was at work or not, having a crisis. Her new school without a school bus or a lift would be four buses and at least a two and a half hour round trip.

AIBU to tell her if she is still hungry to go to student services and sort it herself?

I suspect I am BU but I am rather poorly at the moment and she is being rather unhelpful in general!

OP posts:

HellonHeels · 27/01/2017 08:41

Are you saying she's forgotten her lunch?

MrsDustyBusty · 27/01/2017 08:42

Let her sort herself out, I think. The time has come where she needs to get herself together. You can't follow her into work with spare knickers.

MOIST · 27/01/2017 08:42

She's had breakfast. Has money for toast. Has snacks. How on earth is she going to be hungry?

gamerwidow · 27/01/2017 08:43

I think that's fair. You have tried to help her as much as you can and one lunch time of being hungry won't hurt her.

iknowimcoming · 27/01/2017 08:43

Good grief you are nbu at all! The only way she'll learn is from her forgetting making her life more difficult, whenever you sort it out it means why should she worry in the future, stick to your guns and don't ever do this stuff again for her, you have to be cruel to be kind! Get well soon!

TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/01/2017 08:43

Well obviously you are not being unreasonable to not take 4 buses to drop off her lunch

Rosae · 27/01/2017 08:43

My mum wouldn't have brought my lunch. She couldn't have left work if I'd even asked. Worst case she'll be a bit hungry in the afternoon. I was on occasion when I forgot stuff.

MadHattersWineParty · 27/01/2017 08:43

God no, you're NBU!

Maybe it'll teach her a lesson to be more responsible and do more for herself. Being a bit hungry for a day won't hurt her, I don't she'll starve, and she'll be less inclined to forget next time.

Keeptrudging · 27/01/2017 08:43

YANBU - school will sub her money for lunch. If you weren't available to sort it for her, she'd soon learn.

NickyEds · 27/01/2017 08:44

Let her sort herself out.

Rosae · 27/01/2017 08:44

I was also making my own lunch then. Made me less likely to forget it.

abigfuckinghohoho · 27/01/2017 08:44

Phone the office and ask if they'll lend her money for lunch ? And then she can take the money in on Monday?

WatchingFromTheWings · 27/01/2017 08:45

YANBU. My daughter did this, mainly with books, projects, homework. She eats very little in school so wouldn't be fussed if she forgot her lunch. But it was every week something was forgotten. I stopped doing it once she started her GCSEs....she's old enough to make sure she has everything!

I certainly wouldn't do it if a 2 and a half hour trip is involved.....that's just madness! She'll have to go hungry I'm afraid.

MirandaWest · 27/01/2017 08:48

There's some days DS ends up not having lunch as he's too busy at lunchtime to get it. He comes home hungry and demolishes cereal but he's fine.

Your DD will also be fine.

expatinscotland · 27/01/2017 08:48

Good grief, YANBU.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/01/2017 08:49

At secondary age I was getting myself up, my mum didn't start work until later in the morning so my parents weren't even around when I was getting ready and if I had forgotten to take my lunch I would have to go hungry as there was no provision to have school lunches unless you were a regular.

She has food and maybe she will remember in future.

Running around after her won't do her any favours!

harderandharder2breathe · 27/01/2017 08:50

Yadnbu she's not going to starve and it might make her remember in the future

Rioja123 · 27/01/2017 08:51

She surely is more than capable of making her own lunch now and as someone else said might make her more likely to remember

lovelyupnorth · 27/01/2017 08:52

No not unreasonable

My dd over slept missed the bus to school. Made her walk. Hasn't done to again.

Original poster

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 08:52

I want HER to sort it out abigfuckinghoho She is a nightmare for doing anything for herself and if anything is forgotten or lost in school she has a crisis ringing me up wanting me to sort everything out.

I get phone calls while she is in school asking me where her toilet pass is, where her pen is etc even though I would have no idea.

She has mild learning difficulties so I have perhaps done more/for longer than I should have but she is more than capable of sorting her stuff.

I have already had the I haven't got my lunch you need to bring it call...

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 27/01/2017 08:52

Aside from the fact that YANBU.

She won't starve if she skips lunch for a day.

She might be a bit hungry, which will hopefully make her remember in future.

gamerwidow · 27/01/2017 08:54

If the school does lend her money for lunch it should come out of her pocket money. No way she should be rewarded with lunch money and you be out of pocket for her carelessness.

user1483945709 · 27/01/2017 08:58

Kids with learning disabilities often have poor organisation skills. To go from doing everything for her, to expecting her to do it all herself, might be a bit overwhelming.

Stick a check list to the front door? Or do it together night before? Write a list?

identityhidden · 27/01/2017 09:00

YANBU. I am the same as your daughter with some learning difficulties (dyspraxia and suspected ASD) but she needs to let herself become more independent, you can't exactly pop into college/ university/ workplace with stuff in the future. Hopefully this will help. A checklist that she has to tick off as she leaves the house might help, could probably make one on her phone . I have one for work and it's helped me a lot (keys, uniform, lunch/tea, shoes, money, pencil case, spare uniform and wash bag etc).

exexpat · 27/01/2017 09:01

When DS started secondary school, I had a three-strikes policy: the first three times he forgot something, I would help, but after that he was on his own. Explained it clearly, and it worked. He either remembered stuff, or just managed without.

If she has learning difficulties, you may need to help more with reminders/notes on the door or whatever, but the longer you keep running after her, the longer it will take her to learn.

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