Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To expect dd to sort it herself.

93 replies

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 08:39

Secondary age, I made her lunch, I gave her money, I put her keys with it. I reminded her THREE times to take it. She was too busy faffing with her phone and straightening her hair.

She has had breakfast, she has 30p for toast, she has a drink and a water bottle, she has snacks she has taken from the cupboard (mini chedders/cereal bar/pepparami etc)

In the past I would have gone running, In the past she has rang me saying she has forgotten books, homework, lunch etc and I have walked the mile and a half to her old school with the stuff in the past but I am not well and clearly she is not learning to be responsible for her stuff that way as she continues to not bother checking and then calling me expecting me to drop everything to sort it out, whether I was at work or not, having a crisis. Her new school without a school bus or a lift would be four buses and at least a two and a half hour round trip.

AIBU to tell her if she is still hungry to go to student services and sort it herself?

I suspect I am BU but I am rather poorly at the moment and she is being rather unhelpful in general!

OP posts:

MovingForwardSlowly · 27/01/2017 10:45

She will learn if you stop babying her.

JakeBallardswife · 27/01/2017 13:09

I think what you are teaching her now is a really important life skill. If you forget something then you have to learn to remember, do without, or accept the consequences.

DS forgets things, he doesn't have LD however he has had detentions for forgetting books and now he is much better at remembering.

She won't go hungry, she'll be fine, if a little uncomfortable. School will allow her to get something to eat and she'll just have to pay them back next week.

FarFromFolsomPrison · 27/01/2017 13:17

Secondary could be anything between 12 and 16 and there is a huge difference there. Have I missed how old she is?

One thing that worked for mine since Yr 7 was recurring reminders on their phone - as they are always looking at their phones!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/01/2017 14:01

When ds1 started at senior school, he went through a phase of forgetting school work and asking me to nip up to school with it - and I did, because it was quite a strict school and I didn't want him to get into trouble.

One day, he rang and asked me to bring something up, and I met him at the school office - and one of the office ladies told me very sternly that I shouldn't be in the school during school hours - so I apologised and handed over the work.

As soon as ds1 had gone, she came back and said that it had all been a ploy, for ds1's benefit. Basically she'd pretended to be so stern, because, as she said, 'I'm sure you have better things to do than to be running up to the school every time he forgets things!'

She was right - I did have better things to do, and it was better for ds1 to learn to remember things himself, rather than relying on me to fetch and carry for him, if he forgot.

@brokenheartdog's dd may go a bit hungry today, but maybe that will help her to learn to take responsibility herself.

It doesn't help that all our children are individuals, and develop at different rates. It would be SO much simpler if they would all learn certain skills at a particular age, so we could say, with confidence - 'Oh, she is 11, she will know how to pack her school bag' - but parenting is one long series of grey areas where some children have just learned to do something, others have been doing it for years and yet others are nowhere near learning it yet.

Campaign for Standardised Children - who's with me?

Original poster

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 14:14

Sorry she's nearly 14, thought I had included the age.

OP posts:

Original poster

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 14:15

Reminder on phone might help...

OP posts:

GeordieShorefg · 27/01/2017 14:37

At 14, there was never any cereal in our house. Lunch consisted of ten fags that I spent my lunch money on.

Im still alive

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/01/2017 14:41

After I posted earlier I thought "I bet she always remembers her phone...." because that was a thing with DD2. She would waltz out of the house with her perfectly done hair and her phone and then I would get a phone call that she had forgotter her PE kit or lunch. Yet the phone? Never once forgotten in the 4 years that she has had it, funny that!

It was when I realised that that I put a stop to the drop offs. We all genuinely forget things sometimes but it was the regularity of it that pissed me off when she was clearly capable of remembering things that mattered to her so it wasnt a memory issue at all.

JackLottiesMum · 27/01/2017 15:17

I complained once to a parenting consultant that my son treated me like a slave - and she quite rightly pointed out it's because I was acting like one doing everything for him. I'm not criticising you as I am guilty of the same - but unfortunately you are part of the problem as you are spoon feeding her. She won't starve today - but also I'm sorry she should be making her own lunch at this age and then she won't forget it for sure.

GeorgeTheHamster · 27/01/2017 16:30

And never forget that NT teenagers are hopeless at this stuff too. They all only learn by facing the consequences.

Nataleejah · 27/01/2017 16:37

My friend does this to her forgetful kids she brings their stuff in, but in very embarrassing for school carrier bags imagine like Ann Summers or Something very babyish

Original poster

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 17:08

Well she is home and her mate fed her so she didn't starve. Not sure she learnt anything though.

OP posts:

Bantanddec · 27/01/2017 17:15

14?!! Yanbu! She needs to start taking responsibility if you say you will no longer bring the stuff she forgets to school she'll soon stop forgetting things!! I work with a 21 year old man whose mother is still at his beck and call!

GeorgeTheHamster · 27/01/2017 18:06

She probably did learn something. And even if she didn't, at least you didn't schlep across town pointlessly.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/01/2017 18:41

Yep, even if she didn't learn anything, you did - you can let her fail.

As an aside, turns out DS forgot his school bag today and was very wobbly about it, teacher and I exchanged emails and decided to just let him sweat it out.

unlucky83 · 27/01/2017 20:32

Sorry ahd to do stuff in RL

There is an argument (at least for children with ADHD) that they struggle to see the longer term consequences of things....so they don't learn from their mistakes very well. But that doesn't mean there can't be consequences. They might repeat the same mistake several times (many more times than a NT teen) but they should learn in the end.

(At a workshop for parents with teens with ADHD they said they have normal teen behaviour but 10x worse...)
So whilst you can make allowances etc, help them come up with strategies and make things gradual - as I said at some point they have to learn...sometimes you have to be 'cruel' to be kind. And it can be hard for you to do it...
Probably the time I felt most guilt with my DD was when she started secondary she lost everything - I worked out once it was £200+ worth of stuff....
One thing she kept losing was her phone. It was a few years old and a really basic smartphone. Because it wasn't a 'desirable' phone she did keep getting it back. I did actually replace it once when she didn't get it back with a second hand version of hers that someone gave me...
She wanted a new phone - I told her I wanted to get her one for her birthday but I would be mad to - because then she would have less chance of getting it back...I might as well flush money down the loo.

Before I'd get one for her she would have to not lose her old one for a month. And she managed until a week before her birthday ... she got it back after a few days and the month started again. A few days before that month was up she lost it again. I was so tempted to say she could have a new one anyway but I stuck to my guns and the month started again...she lost it again but after a week so I didn't feel so bad on starting the month again (and pointed out that could have been her new one..) Almost 3 months after her birthday she got a new phone - (but thankfully not a really expensive one - about £80 - she has never lost a phone since ...but she has broken a few...)
One thing I told her to try was to get into the habit of looking back when you leave somewhere so you can see if you have dropped/forgotten something - and she is much much better, hardly loses anything now.
I can give her really good stategies to try - cos I have ADHD too - diagnosed a month or so ago. On the whole I have coped and have worked out my own way of managing things - stategies - because I had to. (My biggest problem has probably been self esteem as I often felt like I was useless...). No-one helped me because no one knew I needed the help.
So I know it can be done . Like I said I give her tips (always have even before I was diagnosed cos I had similar problems) but actually I do think if you have to work it out by yourself you have more chance of the stategies being successful - just because you know yourself...and what might work.

Original poster

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 20:42

Thank you unlucky83 , very interesting post!

OP posts:

Original poster

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 20:44

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4