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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect dd to sort it herself.

93 replies

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 08:39

Secondary age, I made her lunch, I gave her money, I put her keys with it. I reminded her THREE times to take it. She was too busy faffing with her phone and straightening her hair.

She has had breakfast, she has 30p for toast, she has a drink and a water bottle, she has snacks she has taken from the cupboard (mini chedders/cereal bar/pepparami etc)

In the past I would have gone running, In the past she has rang me saying she has forgotten books, homework, lunch etc and I have walked the mile and a half to her old school with the stuff in the past but I am not well and clearly she is not learning to be responsible for her stuff that way as she continues to not bother checking and then calling me expecting me to drop everything to sort it out, whether I was at work or not, having a crisis. Her new school without a school bus or a lift would be four buses and at least a two and a half hour round trip.

AIBU to tell her if she is still hungry to go to student services and sort it herself?

I suspect I am BU but I am rather poorly at the moment and she is being rather unhelpful in general!

OP posts:

Userone1 · 27/01/2017 09:45

The stragery you used have not been successful, so try something else.

She has gone from being totally reliant on you, to now having to do things for herself, can be overwhelming.

I'm not suggestion you take her lunch, maybe just try some other strategies to help her remember.

Get her to pack her bag the night before etc? List stuck up, tick it as you pack it, so you can't forget.

I think remembering the things important to you, is what everyone does. Particularly if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed at having lots to remember

halcyondays · 27/01/2017 09:49

Could she keep some money in her schoolbag or locker for emergencies?
Back in the day, you couldn't have phoned home for something like this, you'd have had to speak to your teacher.

Original poster

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 09:55

She has a fiver in a purse in her inside pocket of her bag for this exact situation halcyondays which she is told not too touch however for some reason only known to dd she has taken it out last night and I found it in her room after she had gone, probably because she has taken it out to buy something on the way home (there is 50p missing)

We do pack the bag the night before bar lunch as lots of her stuff is in the fridge and obvious she has her gadgets out charging.

She will tell me she doesn't need a book for that day so it isn't packed or she will tell me she has no homework in that subject or if I have checked her planner she will tell me that she has done it at school and handed it in already and then ring me panicking wanting me to get her out of detention.

OP posts:

Verbena37 · 27/01/2017 09:56

Ok, so your OP doesn't mention her SEN....if she has issues with executive functioning and organising her stuff, it's a bit mean to be harsh with her. If she forgets her toilet pass for example, that could surely cause a meltdown/anxiety for her?

Simple visual check list the night before so she knows what's supposed to be in her bag, check list in the morning to help her know what she needs to do etc.....visual timetables are the way to go.....as long as they remember to use them, which my DS doesn't!

Verbena37 · 27/01/2017 09:59

Because Kait the OPs dd has some learning difficulties. It won't be quite so simple for her as for other secondary children.
OP you could post this in the SN section as well for extra useful ideas?

Original poster

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 09:59

"DD refused to go through her school bag and sort out what books etc she needed for the day ...I did it for her - for years. I kept trying to get her to do it when she got home from school or even in the morning - I put a list up on the cloakroom door with her time table and colour coded So Tue -french, -biology, + English + maths - she still doesn't do it - she just carries it all around with her. Her bag is really really heavy - I couldn't carry it very far - but she has the option for it not to be and she doesn't take it ... (and it would also help with remembering to do homework etc if she sorted it out at night...) "

exactly the same unlucky83 if I physically do not sit down with her and sort it with her she will just take everything with her.

OP posts:

tooclosetocall · 27/01/2017 10:01

Nope, YANBU. She will never learn if you are walking a mile and a half one step behind her.
She won't go hungry and if she does (ie: misses eating her lunch) then lesson hopefully learned.

You're not being cruel.
I'm the same with my own DC. A few reminders is enough. We're raising children to be young adults aren't we?

Liiinoo · 27/01/2017 10:01

YANBU. You are her mum not her servant. If her lunch was as important to get as her phone she would have remembered it. A bit of tummy rumbling in the late afternoon (which is all it will be given her snacks and water) won't hurt her.

Userone1 · 27/01/2017 10:02

I assume she has done the homework, to be ringing you to ask you to bring it? Could she put the homework straight back into her bag once done?

seafoodeatit · 27/01/2017 10:03

YADNBU! You reminded her plenty of times, she needs to learn to remember her own things and take responsibility for them, even if you weren't ill you shouldn't be taking her things if she's forgotten them.

Original poster

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 10:04

She never forgets her toilet pass Verbena, it is always in the same place it has been for the past at least three years in her inside pocket of her blazer where she put it. She still rings me frequently at work demanding to know where it is.

If it was her toilet pass something which could cause her stress, anxiety and potentially embarrassment I would immediately help.

If she had no food at all and would be very hungry today I would of course ring school but I have tried and tried and tried and she isn't even trying.

OP posts:

GlacindaTheTroll · 27/01/2017 10:06

My DD has dyslexia with disorganisation being a feature.

So (rather as OP describes) I've had to work hard at encouraging good habits in terms of thinking about what she needs for the day ahead and checking that she has got it.

She is also secondary age. If it is convenient to me, and if it is a fairly crucial item, I would still take it to the school. But sometimes I can't, and after the first term I won't for less important things. And lunch money would go into the less important things category as being mildly hungry one day won't hurt her and there's always the chance that learning from consequences will help.

I suspect that DD would borrow from a friend, tbh, in these circumstances.

And as I suspect some aspects of disorganisation will remain with her into adult life, the other thing she's going to have to learn is how to cope when you don't have the right things with you. And school's not such a bad place for that to happen.

Original poster

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 10:07

Userone, no she hadn't done it, it was online homework so I did not know about it, I specifically checked her homework book and there was nothing in there, I asked her and she said she had none.

Or I ask all the above and she says oh I have already done that and handed it. (She gets to school early every day so often does homework)

Then she rings asking me to call her teacher to make excuses so she does not get detention.

OP posts:

Userone1 · 27/01/2017 10:11

Seems like she needs help organising homework too!

I suppose what help she needs is dependant on your view of whether she is being wilful or whether she has poor organisation due to her difficulties

kaitlinktm · 27/01/2017 10:12

Verbena I worked in a secondary schools for more than 25 years and the children with SN often went to the relevant office at lunch time for this very reason - it wasn't threatening or difficult for them. The difficult bit was getting them to remember to repay borrowed money. I am sure the OP's daughter would be fine going to borrow some money at lunch time.

Peregrane · 27/01/2017 10:18

She needs to learn consequences or she'll be ill equipped for life - and one day she'll presumably need to take charge of herself. This is assuming she is capable of learning consequences (no major disability), which by the sound of it is the case.

Peregrane · 27/01/2017 10:19

(and as others have said, you may need to help her learn better habits and organisational skills)

Userone1 · 27/01/2017 10:21

You don't have to have a 'major disability' to not be able to learn through consequences. You can be very high functioning have difficult with cause and effect

Original poster

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 10:21

She has help with homework organisation at home and at school hence the homework book.

It was also arranged with her school that she would go to the senco every day who would make sure she had written down the homework for each lesson and understood what she had to do and gave her a homework book.

She frequently did not bother going, not because she had forgotten but because she would miss something better.

She has had detention and been so upset about it if I have not bailed her out that the senco has taken her for the detention.

I am not just throwing her to lions honestly but she has to engage with the strategies for them to work.

Going to the office if she is still hungry will not be difficult for her, she adores the senco and student support officer and it is not a huge school.

It is so frustrating.

OP posts:

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 27/01/2017 10:24

I take it she doesn't forget her phone?

I wouldn't give the lunch another thought. She isn't the only kid who ever forgets to pack her lunch and somehow they all cope.

Userone1 · 27/01/2017 10:27

I know how frustrating it is. If she is not engaging with strategies, you need to work out why or maybe make them more meaningful for her. More motivation to use them etc

shovetheholly · 27/01/2017 10:32

YANBU! It'll do her good to start taking responsibility for her things, and there's no harm at all in just having a snack for lunch. Resilience and planning are really important skills, and this is a way of inculcating them without there being any real harm.

Original poster

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 10:35

She wasn't engaging with the homework strategy because if she did not go to see the senco she got to get to the computer room earlier, or the senco room earlier and get to the lego first (her old school had a room with toys etc for kids who preferred not to be on the playground) or she could leave school straight away at home time rather than via senco.

We have had star charts, we have had white boards, normal charts, tick charts, rewards for all homework handed in, merit points with get prizes at school. rewards at home if she gets homework points at school.

She does understand consequence as a result of actions.

At some point she is going to have to learn that she needs to do her work because if she cannot be bothered she will get sacked rather than she has to do her work because if she does she gets a reward.

OP posts:

Verbena37 · 27/01/2017 10:41

But the OP hasn't said what her difficulties are.
My DS (11) for example, has diagnosed high functioning ASD yet he isn't high functioning with his own exectutive functioning, like getting himself dressed, teeth brushing, putting shoes on etc and cannot manage to organise himself.

I organise pretty much everything for school.....putting stuff into bags, sorting when he needs to take his PE kit, checking what homework he has and planning it for him to copy up (or he refuses to even do it) .

The consequence of me not doing those things for him at the moment, is that he would refuse school totally.

Perhaps the OPs dd has trouble with auditory processing, hence why she cannot organise some things herself. Always emembering to take her mobile might simply be because that ps the only thing she can remember and knows if she doesn't take it, she cannot phone her mum.

Verbena37 · 27/01/2017 10:43

How old is your dd by the way?

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