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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dd to sort it herself.

93 replies

brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 08:39

Secondary age, I made her lunch, I gave her money, I put her keys with it. I reminded her THREE times to take it. She was too busy faffing with her phone and straightening her hair.

She has had breakfast, she has 30p for toast, she has a drink and a water bottle, she has snacks she has taken from the cupboard (mini chedders/cereal bar/pepparami etc)

In the past I would have gone running, In the past she has rang me saying she has forgotten books, homework, lunch etc and I have walked the mile and a half to her old school with the stuff in the past but I am not well and clearly she is not learning to be responsible for her stuff that way as she continues to not bother checking and then calling me expecting me to drop everything to sort it out, whether I was at work or not, having a crisis. Her new school without a school bus or a lift would be four buses and at least a two and a half hour round trip.

AIBU to tell her if she is still hungry to go to student services and sort it herself?

I suspect I am BU but I am rather poorly at the moment and she is being rather unhelpful in general!

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 27/01/2017 09:01

YANBU. Presumably you've put her lunch in the fridge so she can eat it when she gets home? Though TBH the toast and snacks described are quite a bit - she should be fine.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/01/2017 09:03

Ok well you didn't mention the mild LD in your OP so I suspect people may have replied differently

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 27/01/2017 09:05

I suggest YANBU.
But you are waiting for the pigs to be fueled and ready to fly. She is in the teenage femail stage of my hair must look perfect stage of life. Practical things don't enter her mind.

Crumbs1 · 27/01/2017 09:05

You are being reasonable. She won't die from no lunch on one day. Good lesson about responsibility- whether she has SEN or not.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 27/01/2017 09:05

YANBU. It's the faffing with hair, phone and other unnecessary shit that tips you over the edge. You'd be less bothered if they forgot something because they were focussing on something else that was important.

Cakingbad · 27/01/2017 09:06

A check list on the front door sounds like a good idea. Maybe you could draw one up together this evening.

And don't take her lunch in today. It's good to be organised and remember everything most of the time, but it's also good to learn that it's not a total disaster if one day you haven't got your lunch or PE kit. If you occasionally forget something, you apologise and you cope.

GeorgeTheHamster · 27/01/2017 09:06

Crickey no, don't take it in. She can sort it out if she's hungry, or eat later if she isn't. No big deal and of course you shouldn't go running, how will she ever learn?

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/01/2017 09:07

Eldest DS has LD and I had to put a stop to this because he got into the way of thinking that he didnt have to remember anything as I would always pull up the slack. DD2 in particular, NT, was a nightmare for this as hardly a week went by without her ringing that she had forgotten her lunch so one time I took it and said I wasnt doing it anymore.

She forgot her lunch once more and then never again! Funny how going hungry focussed her mind on it, instead of just assuming I would do it.

gamerwidow · 27/01/2017 09:09

If think the mild LD is red herring. The OP knows her daughter best if she thinks she is ready for the responsibility then she probably is.

ghostyslovesheets · 27/01/2017 09:09

2hour plus round trip - no you absolutely are nbu- she had enough food to last!

Userone1 · 27/01/2017 09:12

My ds has ASD. I don't do things for him, WE do things together. I help him to be independent. It's very important to teach independence, but independence is learned.

mogloveseggs · 27/01/2017 09:15

Yanbu. My dd has made her brother and herself late this morning suddenly realising she has pe and needs this and that after spending half an hour on her hair. I'm bloody sick of having to remind her every two seconds!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/01/2017 09:15

I think you could maybe support her to be a little bit more independent and that's not necessarily by giving constant verbal reminders - as a number of pps have said, checklists are a great idea, lists on phones etc.

But there's still no way you should take her lunch to her. She won't starve in one day and it will help her realise she needs to organise herself better.

TheSmurfsAreHere · 27/01/2017 09:18

You know how much she can do for herself.
Babying her isn't going to help her, learning difficulties or not.

No I wouldn't go and bring her whatever she has forgotten.
It's a harsh lesson but one she will need to learn at some point.

Original poster
brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 09:21

I mentioned LD later on purely to explain why I had done so much for so long for her, she is now more than capable of doing things for herself, we have white boards and charts and for example she NEVER forgets to take her phone, tablet, charger, power bank etc and remembers those every single morning.She remembers to charge them all and to take the 15 cables that this requires.

She remembers to get all the nice snacks from the three different places they are stored.

Yet homework, books and savoury stuff are frequently forgotten.

PyongyangKipperbang Fri 27-Jan-17 09:07:45
Eldest DS has LD and I had to put a stop to this because he got into the way of thinking that he didnt have to remember anything as I would always pull up the slack.

Yes this

If she forgets her homework she expects me to ring her teacher for that subject and make excuses as to why she has not done it so she does not get in trouble, when I don't she gets very cross.

I told her a few weeks ago that I would not be ringing her workplace for her in the future making excuses for her or bringing in her lunch and work for her daily and she was furious Hmm

OP posts:
TheSmurfsAreHere · 27/01/2017 09:25

So it's more of an issue with 'I can remember the important things for me but I will not make any effort for those that I don't care about or find boring or if it allows me to get out of trouble type of behaviour.

Well .... she will need to learn that yes she does need to remember all those things too....

Life is hard.

Userone1 · 27/01/2017 09:29

Sorry it doesn't make sense. You say you've had to do things for her for so long, but you had strategies that work....in that case why doesnt she use the strategies?

usernumbernonsense · 27/01/2017 09:31

I took lunch in for my ds when he was in yr7 (now yr12) But I only did it once as the office staff told me (very nicely) that they don't accept parents dropping in things that dc have forgotten because they don't have the time to be running around the school giving forgotten items to students and dealing with it. Very sensible I thought. Could you tell your dd that the school office have said something similar?

CripsSandwiches · 27/01/2017 09:35

I think YANBU for encouraging her to become more independent but I think you need to prepare her in advance. Tell her you won't be bringing in forgotten items anymore and help her find a way to remember (a note on the front door, a reminder on her phone, whatever works). I would also be as encouraging and positive about it as possible. Reassure her that she can sort it out for herself and that you have confidence in her. Help her find ways of organising herself.

BakeOffBiscuits · 27/01/2017 09:36

Yanbu

If she can remember her important things every single day, she now needs to start remembering important school things, every single day.

When mine started secondary I told them I would help them out twice. After that they would have to sort things themselves. Funnily enough they both only ever phoned me once each. It's all part of growing up and taking redponsibilty for them selves.

Sunnydaysrock · 27/01/2017 09:38

Totally sympathise with your situation. My DD almost 13 left the house this morning declaring 'depending on how things go, you might have to bring in my history book'!! Turns out she couldn't find it, not sure if it's at school or lost in her pit of a room.... She got a big fat 'no chance' today. Already took homework in that she forgot on wed. Taking advantage as I work flexible hours, wouldn't be able to do it if I was full time. The line has to be drawn somewhere.

Original poster
brokenheartdog · 27/01/2017 09:39

TheSmurfsAreHere Fri 27-Jan-17 09:25:49
So it's more of an issue with 'I can remember the important things for me but I will not make any effort for those that I don't care about or find boring or if it allows me to get out of trouble type of behaviour.

Yes exactly this.

Userone

I haven't HAD to do things for her for so long more as I have continued to do it out of habit for her to the point she became completely reliant hence the phone calls asking where her toilet pass and pens and things I have nothing to do with or no idea where they are are.

So we got white boards and such to write homework on and to write what she needed to remember in order to get her used to doing it herself.

This resulted in her remembering the things that were important to her but still forgetting the boring stuff.

There is only so many times I can ask if she has homework and remind her to write it on the board, there are only so many times I can remind her that she needs to do the homework wrote on the board and ask her if she has packed it.

She remembers her phone, her tablet, her power pack, her niace snacks and the date her phone needs topping up with more data without fail...

OP posts:
unlucky83 · 27/01/2017 09:39

DD1 has ADHD and I agree I'd leave her to be hungry for a day ...
Unless they have severe difficulties they are going to have to learn how to cope in the real world - without you running round after them.
It does have to be gradual -and you do have to choose your battles ...
DD refused to go through her school bag and sort out what books etc she needed for the day ...I did it for her - for years. I kept trying to get her to do it when she got home from school or even in the morning - I put a list up on the cloakroom door with her time table and colour coded So Tue -french, -biology, + English + maths - she still doesn't do it - she just carries it all around with her. Her bag is really really heavy - I couldn't carry it very far - but she has the option for it not to be and she doesn't take it ... (and it would also help with remembering to do homework etc if she sorted it out at night...)

She is nearly 16 ...she really has to take more responsibility for herself ...to realise that the only person who suffers (or will suffer) is her - by eg having to lug all that weight around with her...or going hungry for a few hours...or getting a telling off...

ArmfulOfRoses · 27/01/2017 09:41

My eldest is at secondary, she gets one pass a term where I will bring something in, more than that and she's on her own.
She's asked me twice in 2.5 years.

We moved house over half term last year and a homework sheet went missing.
I wrote a note, teacher was very kind and reissued the sheet.
She didn't bother to do it and asked for another note.
That didn't happen and she took the consequences.

The same will happen for ds when he moves up.

Yanbu, especially considering your dd never forgets things like her phone.

kaitlinktm · 27/01/2017 09:42

Phone the office and ask if they'll lend her money for lunch ? And then she can take the money in on Monday?

Why should the OP do this for a secondary age child? She can find her way to the office or her HOY or whatever her pastoral head is and explain her situation. I stopped phoning the office for stuff like this before mine left Primary school.