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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn down an invite to soft play because of germs?

318 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 26/01/2017 21:22

Ds (7) has been invited to a soft play party, I don't want him to go because I think basically they are a complete germ fest but he obviously goes to school so is soft play any worse than that?
But then how often is soft play ever cleaned? Never? Someone I know took their child and their child went in the ball pool and got covered in poo. Who knows what lurks in the ball pool?! I'd hoped by 7 ds wouldn't ever have to go to soft play again. It's been about 2 years since we've been but my germ phobia didn't exist then so it didn't bother me.

Aibu to say no based on the fact I don't want us all to catch norovirus?

OP posts:
elektrawoman · 27/01/2017 00:01

Also OP you just say 'sensory issues', there are some good blogs around for ideas on that - e.g.
lemonlimeadventures.com/category/spd/
If your child has sensory issues it's likely they are a bit anxious anyway so if you add a germ phobia on top that's not going to help. Which is why you need to get support from DH, family, GP with your own anxiety.
I know that when DS comes home at the end of the day he is overloaded from school and the best thing I can do is give him space to relax and feel safe (i.e. safe from stress and pressure) but I know that's much easier said than done, especially when you have a baby. So do try and get some support. Xx

elektrawoman · 27/01/2017 00:08

A good points from singingintherainstorm sorry I didn't see it before I posted, or I would have been gentler, sorry OP. If you do want any support on the sensory issues (sorry I can't help on ASD) I can meet you on the SEN boards. Xx

Sybis · 27/01/2017 01:11

You either have a significant phobia, OCD or anxiety issue, or you're just being very unreasonable.

geekyboo · 27/01/2017 01:23

What's so bad about our everyday normal germs? Say he does get a little unwell from picking up something at the soft play (which imo he's no more likely to do than school etc)then so what? If he's a normal healthy child, he'll have a few days of feeling unwell but no major harm done....and it'll be healthier in the long run for him. On the other hand stopping him going and having fun with his friends because he has a mum who cares more about her dislike of germs that could cause all sorts of harm.

LittleMissNaice · 27/01/2017 07:21

OP, did you post a few times last year? Particularly about worrying your dc2 was at risk of chicken pox? If that was you, please please please go back to the GP. It doesn't have to be like this.

Motherofhowmany · 27/01/2017 07:30

Please don't use antibacterial hand gel on your child every day. It can seriously damage their immune system. It also does nothing against viral infections anyway.

As a society our resistant to bacteria and bugs is failing as they are becoming much stronger. This is because we are overusing antibiotics and antic bac products.

QuitMoaning · 27/01/2017 07:33

You need to do something. Almost every poster has urged you to seek help for your anxiety yet not one of your posts has recognised this or said you will seek help.
You need to sort this out or you will be passing on your anxieties to your children.

HopefullyAnonymous · 27/01/2017 07:43

Your anxieties must be very difficult for you, but you need to seek help for the sake of your DCs. It is worrying that you don't acknowledge this.

youarenotkiddingme · 27/01/2017 07:44

Do you know what triggered your phobia?
It sounds like it's gripping you and taking over your life decisions so I would also say seek support through GP.

Have you always had a anxious persona? I'm wondering if this is an escalation or a sudden new thing?

Brew it sounds as if things are tough

Sirzy · 27/01/2017 07:49

You need to get help to sort your fears, they seem to be linked to the birth of your youngest perhaps?

It's hard, ds is the same age and autistic and has other medical issues so I fully understand the fear of serious illness. But you can't let your fears hold him back, you need to seek help so you can help your children enjoy their lives not live in fear like you are.

elektrawoman · 27/01/2017 07:53

I was going to mention chickenpox - I got this as an adult when the DCs got it and it was really awful. Turns out I never had it as a kid. It's much much better to get it as a (healthy) child, believe me!! My DD2 hasn't had it yet and I worry about that.
It's really not good to hide your kids from normal life, as the long term impact on them is not healthy.

JanuaryMoods · 27/01/2017 08:05

OP, you need to seek help for your irrational anxiety. Your son needs to be able to play with his friends and explore the world without you hovering with sprays etc.

At what age will you let him us public loos? 20, 30?

Please get help for his sake.

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 27/01/2017 08:05

They've been vaccinated against chicken pox. So that is one less worry I suppose.

It's just like everywhere I look when I go out I can imagine the germs all over every surface. My own house is hardly spotless but I don't worry about that because I know none of us have been ill recently. I just make sure everyone washes their hands when we come home from places.

Touch wood ds is rarely ill, if he gets anything it is usually mild and then we catch it and are really poorly! However I don't know how it would affect dc2. I can't imagine a vomiting bug would be great at 13 months old.

OP posts:
Cakingbad · 27/01/2017 08:07

OP you sound like a lovely mum but YABU on not seeking help for your germ phobia. Whatever you do your kids will occasionally get a vomiting bug. And you will manage. Please go and see your GP about this phobia. It really is mean not to let your son go to a party.

On a side note, can you see the funny side of being expected to take advice about hygiene from a person called bumsexatthebingo?

Quartz2208 · 27/01/2017 08:15

Did dc2 birth trigger it, I am guessing he was ill and it triggered this and now you have a germ phobia and our scared of them being ill again. I get that DS got sepsis from scarlet fever and was very ill but I had to realise it was one of those things I can't protect him forever from illnesses I can only make sure that he gets the help he needs when he is ill.

I think he got it from being on a plane and the next plane flight was tough but it was fine. The illness also hit his immune system so was a hard six months but we got through it. But his immune system recovered and the doctors were good at explaining to me

Iamastonished · 27/01/2017 08:21

Echoing everyone else here. Please get help for your anxiety. You don't seem to be able to acknowledge that you have a problem and appear not to be "listening" to the excellent advice on here.

What you are feeling is not normal and needs addressing.

Megatherium · 27/01/2017 08:22

I do know a lot about germs...

I don't think you do, given that you seem to know nothing about how exposure to germs builds up children's immunities. That is what you need to inform yourself about.

You really also need to look at the facts. If soft play was such a risk, do you think the facilities would even exist? Children are going there in large numbers regularly without epidemics breaking out.

EustaceClarenceScrubb · 27/01/2017 08:26

Sickness bugs are grim though... also dc2, aged 13 months, would catch it and that could be more of a problem.

OP you seem determined that if someone in the family gets a bug, the rest of you would catch it too. This is not the case, everyone's immune system is different. In my 15 years of being a parent I can only remember one case where a D&V bug went through the whole family- usually one person gets it and then that's it. So even if one of you gets ill, it does not mean you definitely all will.

However I don't know how it would affect dc2. I can't imagine a vomiting bug would be great at 13 months old.

Sorry but children of all ages get bugs, it is part of life! As a parent, you just deal with it!

BTW, I say this as a parent of a child with sensory issues who likes putting things in their mouth. They have the best immune system out of all of us, they are rarely ill. The person who seems to have the worst immune system is my DH, and he grew up in a household where his mother bleached everything to within an inch of its life. Please seek help with your phobia, for your children's sake if nothing else.

Eolian · 27/01/2017 08:30

This is a serious and irrational phobia, like everyone else is saying. Please seek help, for your dc's sake if not for yours. Nobody likes getting ill, but it happens to everybody once in a while. You can't avoid all germs, and nor should you.

dowhatnow · 27/01/2017 08:32

Touch wood ds is rarely ill, if he gets anything it is usually mild and then we catch it and are really poorly!

That's because he puts everything in his mouth and is exposed to the germs. He has built up a resistance so he doesn't get ill as often, or if he does its mild. You are denying your baby that opportunity to build up a resistance, as he is not being exposed to the germs. You are defeating the purpose. When he does meet these germs at school or nursery, he is likely to be more sick because of your hygiene regime, not less.

Venusflytwat · 27/01/2017 08:36

Oh no please don't be the lady from last year with the chicken pox anxiety. I can't bear to think of the months rolling by and you still living this way.

Please get help. This is no way to live and you are going to pass this life of anxiety and endless limitations onto your kids. And also you deserve better than this.

Please. Get help. And let him go to the party.

murmuration · 27/01/2017 08:41

It's just like everywhere I look when I go out I can imagine the germs all over every surface.

OP, as everyone has said, this isn't normal. You even recognise that its different to how you were before. Please get some help before this takes over even more of your life.

purplefizz26 · 27/01/2017 08:42

If you have a genuine phobia, you need to get help for it. You are going to end up projecting it onto your son.

You are being so unreasonable to stop him doing fun things with his friends because of YOUR fears.

Stopping him using public toilets is bizarre. Planning your trips out around using the loo at home is not manageable.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/01/2017 09:03

So your phobia started around the time you had your youngest and you feel that you are struggling to cope, have you have any treatment for PND? It sounds like your phobia could be the way that PND is presenting for you. When I had it I was obsessed with SIDS, I drove myself into the ground by needing to be awake all day to care for the 2 kids and then awake all night to check DD was breathing. I was very ill, but I just couldnt see it.

Talk to your GP or health visitor, they really can help you.

Peanutandphoenix · 27/01/2017 09:04

YABVVVVVVU OTT and seriously neurotic think you need to get a grip and give your head a good wobble you can't stop a 7 year old from doing things because your afraid of germs you do realise that germs are everywhere you go so unless you all hide away at home and never go anywhere your never going to avoid germs or getting ill. Let you son be a child and enjoy things like soft play and swimming pools you do realise that pretty soon his school will be taking him to a swimming pool for swimming lessons or will your germ phobia stop him from doing that as well.