To turn down an invite to soft play because of germs?

[Skatingonthinice16]

Ds (7) has been invited to a soft play party, I don't want him to go because I think basically they are a complete germ fest but he obviously goes to school so is soft play any worse than that?
But then how often is soft play ever cleaned? Never? Someone I know took their child and their child went in the ball pool and got covered in poo. Who knows what lurks in the ball pool?! I'd hoped by 7 ds wouldn't ever have to go to soft play again. It's been about 2 years since we've been but my germ phobia didn't exist then so it didn't bother me.

Aibu to say no based on the fact I don't want us all to catch norovirus?

Op I mean no disrespect but have you considered he puts everything in his mouth to get a response? I'm not meaning consciously but at 7 my mother had a phobia of spiders, she couldn't move would freeze and shake so I started picking them up and playing with them. I never meant to upset her but it terrorised her. I think I was subconsciously showing her it was harmless

Because outdoor dirt - mud etc doesn't bother me so much. Don't know why but it doesn't. And viruses don't do so well in the cold on the play equipment. They likely don't survive that long. They can survive DAYS indoors. And only bleach kills them.

Let him go, soft play is fun!

No, soft play and swimming pools won't be 'rife with grimmess'. Having worked in both, there are ridiculous amounts of chemicals in a pool that kill germs and both types of establishment have daily/weekly cleaning schedules that have to be done

They do Scottish but not immediately. The chemicals actually take at least an hour to kills the germs. So if you get in a pool and someone in there has had d and v and not showered before hand there's a good chance you will catch it as the chemicals will not have killed the virus.

OP, you describe it yourself as a phobia. Phobias are a type of anxiety disorder, and they're something which your GP can help you with. I really think that getting some help with your phobia could improve your quality of life, and your son's quality of life.

YABU to turn down the invite if your son wants to go. Spending time with other children and going to parties is an important part of most people's childhoods.

I totally understand your concerns, I'm guessing you've got emetophobia?
In all honesty we go on at our DC to wash their hands after going to the toilet, before eating, after eating if messy - but that's more of a rinse. Even used hand gel at times, can't think of any examples.
My best advice is, norovirus is really infectious, if it's about there's a chance they'll get it. The only way to prevent transmission is using warm water and liquid soap. This should be protocol after going to the toilet and being sick. As anti bac alcohol liquid has no effect of bodily fluids like faeces / vomit.
I do understand that it's a big fear, what may be silly for some can be a big issue for others. Is it the fear of you being sick or DC and looking after him?
At 7 I wouldn't think they'd be into the ball pit, more running about the mazes and going on slides. Although you've identified possible ASS won't this be a sensory overload? Is he looking forward to going.
For those that aren't aware bugs can be a nightmare and just the words I feel sick from anyone put the fear of God into someone with a phobia of it. Depending on severity it can include not drinking alcohol, avoiding foods that pose a risk, avoiding events such as play areas, over sanitisation.
Mine was triggered as when I got sick as a child my parents would scream at me, so it quickly turned into a phobia. I used to be scared of assemblies as people would be sick etc and get panic attacks on assembly days.

Why don't you approach it another way, do you give your child probiotics to built up good gut bacteria? Why not try and focus on building good heath, rather than avoiding bad health

We have been to soft play a good few times since the new year. Not one of my kids have been ill. I also didn't anti bac there hands. Just normal hand washing before eating and after toilet.

*their hands

I'm not actually scared of the being sick bit, it's more the potential for dehydration / my dc feeling really ill and getting distressed.
I'm not especially bothered if I am sick myself. I just feel dc being sick = really scary potentially serious illness.

I'm gonna have to agree with you here OP. I hate soft play and try my hardest to avoid it! I am severely emetophobic and think these places are a haven for germs!
I have heard that when you catch a stomach bug, you don't build up any resistance to it at all long term, so kids don't 'need to catch them' to build up their immunity.
I am getting help for my phobia, but it's a hard slog and very difficult for people to understand. And the guilt that I feel thinking I will pass it on to DS is horrendous. Phobias of this nature ruin lives as it is a phobia about something that is an uncontrollable, natural bodily function.
Many people say to me, 'but no one likes sick', and this is true, but most people are not terrified of their children when they are ill or look a little off it, of getting pregnant due to morning sickness, deciding to stick with only having one child because the thought of dealing with 2 or more vomiting children does not even bare thinking about.
Sorry, went off on a bit of a tangent there. But my point is, these phobias are very real to the sufferer, and they are bloody hard to manage!! Xx

Your son does need exposure to germs (though if he's going to school, he should get a reasonable amount of exposure there). One of the many doctors my DH has seen suggested that he may not have had enough exposure to bugs as a child. That means he gets ill too often as an adult. It means regular hospital visits and emergency admissions. It means he's often been too ill to play with our DD (though he's doing better atm). We're very lucky he's been able to keep his job. He'll never be fully well again, and is usually in pain. Children's immune systems are better able to deal with infection than adults. You really don't want my DH's experience for your son.

All the pools I've been to you're not allowed to go in for 48 hrs after d and v and I know it is up to people to respect that but I doubt many people would want to risk an incident if they were recently poorly.
I went swimming weekly all through my childhood and was virtually never ill.
If your ds wants to go to this party and he is struggling socially I think you need to put him first, bite the bullet and take him. Or get someone else to.
And please get some help for your germ phobia. If not for you then for your son. Do you really want him to grow up only being able to leave the house inbetween the times he needs to urinate?

Singing that's really sad about what your parents did. Does make you realise just how much of an impact we have on our children's minds. Personally, I'm embarrassed about the amount of alcohol gel I've used on my kids and don't want them growing up scared of touching things without it

DH owns a softplay ( don't flame me please ) they can be dreadful germ fests. For that reason he got rid of the ball pools and replaced them with other equipment.
We clean the place every night after hours and change the flooring-carpet tiles- as needed which is generally 2-3 months due to the amount of food spillages.The kitchen equipment is stripped down and cleaned everynight
Honestly YABU most softplay have a high standard of cleanliness -l would say DH is more "houseproud" of the centre than the house....

I agree phobias are hard to manage but then see it for what it is and get help ( speaking generally here ) not restrict kids from doing normal things . Particularly as id imagine the risk from catching a bug at school is far higher

Probably but he has to go to school so it's a risk i have I take...

YANBU - almost every time my son goes he gets some kind of bug, usually sick bug! However I did take him today as there was a party, I DID make handwashing a big thing and hopefully he won't have picked up a bug but I'd be surprised if he doesn't. They are disgusting germ ridden things!!

Look OP I have very similar anxieties to you BUT you've got to sort this. I let my kids go to soft play parties and the like because they want to and its normal. It does make me anxious and I hate being anxious but then I think what would I rather

A/ they catch a sick bug and we have a horrific time for a week or so
B/ I pass on my phobia / anxiety to them and it follows them round and controls their whole lives.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy so I'm sure as hell going to do my damndest to make sure I protect my kids.

For those being a tad harsh, the OP sounds like she's exhausted and isn't coping with the challenges that she faces with her sons behaviour. She also stated that if he got sick with a tummy bug it could be the end of her, so can we be sympathetic or empathetic to a Mum who is struggling.
You need to call your GP in the morning, tell them it's urgent, you need to discuss how you are feeling with your GP. There's extra support out there, I think you need to access additional help for yourself and how your sons issues are affecting you at the moment.
This is really important as you sound like you're struggling to cope and have little support. Sure Start at least have a service where someone comes round and helps, even if it's just talking, or letting you have a bath.
Something has happened that has given you this fear. I'm guessing depending at what range your son is on the spectrum he finds coping with vomiting difficult and distressing, which impacts you as his Mum.
I'm also guessing that you could be sleep deprived having a baby. You feel like you don't have the energy to cope with much more than is on your plate at the minute.
I would also query PND possibly too, but your GP should be able to help. Please call them and get seen as not only can they help you, but they can help your son too.
My heart is with you as I totally understand your fears, I had the same growing up, until I got really bad MS with my first pregnancy then it abated.
My DC's have gone swimming with no issues and even have had lessons. I assure you swimming is safe.
The chances of getting ill are remote, but I would think about the sensory impact of soft play on your son over germs.
I also want to add that schools teach hygiene, we reinforce it at home. We're not militant about it, but if DC's have gone to the toilet and not washed their hands they'll be made to do so.
I had episodes where I panicked when DC's were ill, it's had no effect on them at all. They find it quite funny. They know Mum doesn't do sick. They're not in therapy, they're not OTT about germs, they still have times when they think they'll get away with not washing their hands, if in a rush to get back to something. So I don't think it does impact them, if anything they're more cheeky about it.
Don't bother with the anti bac gel as it can prevent colds, flu etc. But anti bac gel alone won't prevent tummy bugs. For that you need good hygiene, which from what you've said, with DS putting things in mouth, he's probably got the immune system of an ox. As germs are everywhere.
I don't know if my DM's are on, but if you need to talk, I'm more than happy to be there for you during this stressful time.
I reiterate again, I think OP may have PND so enough with the vilification on this occasion.

Just want to add again if he frequently puts things in his mouth, at 7 years old he must have quite a resistance to bugs.
I also wanted to add again that alcohol hand gel is pretty redundant, but for germs such as colds and flu. It's just marketed in a way we think it kills everything.
So I would stop with making your DC's using it as it dries the skin, plus stings if you get it in a cut. If a cold is going round most children sneeze openly, so there's little prevention there.
OP are you ok if he's sick and it's not bug related? Like with a cough or swallowing too much mucous during a cold? I get you'll possibly be worried it's contagious like norovirus. Also when your younger child is generally sick after a feed are you ok?
I think it's mostly exhaustion and fear of burning out, plus the stress of a child who is distressed and unaware of what's happening. With what you said above you need to see a GP and speak to them, not because of the phobia, but because you are exhausted.
You need to access all the help you can get. Possibly something to calm the anxiety. You should speak to DP about how you are struggling. Hopefully he'll be understanding and let you have more rest to recharge.

OP yes YABU, how will it make your DS feel that he has to miss out and all his friends will be at the party? How will he feel when they talk about it at school? Obviously you have a germ phobia which you accept, but please do see this from your child's point of view, as parents we have to put our own issues to one side and I think you know it's irrational or you wouldn't have posted. Please do get some help

My DS does sensory seeking, touching things, putting things in his mouth. We've seen an OT which has helped, and I give him lots of sensory opportunities at home (e.g. tactile toys, trampoline). The OT explained that his muscles need to be used regularly, to give him the input he needs, and said that swimming is a great activity for him because of the water resistance. I don't know if this would be true for your DS too, you would need advice from an OT, so push for that referral, and maybe post on the SEN boards? So although you are worried about germs, you need to look at the bigger picture. If he has possible ASD and/or sensory issues you need to focus on supporting him with that, and not worry about the slight chance of a sick bug. Please take this kindly but I think you are worrying about the wrong things.....

Interestingly, my sensory-seeking DS who puts everything in his mouth is the one least likely to get sick out of our whole family - even when the other children have been vomiting he never seems to get it! I remember one memorable occasion when we came out of a busy, filthy train station, it had been raining and he ran over and licked a bollard when I asked him why, he 'liked the look of the rain on it and wanted to see what it tasted like'.
I have to say since I do more sensory stuff at home he has been a little bit better in public.
FWIW, I am a clean and slightly anxious person, but having DS has made me realise that most children are actually pretty robust!

If soft play et al were genuinely problematic, people would be getting sick all the time, and they'd be closed down.

People aren't, and they're not. And this is internationally speaking, where some countries may be more or less lax on the cleanliness front.

People aren't being struck down on a population, or even notable scale.

Yabu and way OTT. Soft play is fine. I took our girls lots of times when they were children. They actually still liked going way past the age of 7.