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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re child giving up seat to an elderly person on the bus

347 replies

user1485342611 · 25/01/2017 15:25

My friend is furious because her 12 year old daughter was asked by an adult to give up her seat on the bus for an elderly man.

Apparently the bus was full, my friend and her daughter were sitting separately and an elderly man with a walking stick got on. No one stood up so a woman who was standing near the door asked friend's dd if she would give the man her seat, which dd did. My friend is going on about the 'cheek' of 'some stranger' telling her daughter what to do and why didn't she ask another adult etc etc

AIBU to think she's being ridiculous, and her daughter should have stood up without prompting?

OP posts:
brasty · 25/01/2017 18:27

Yes I used to stand on a bus as a 5 year old. And I am extremely clumsy and have poor coordination. But I held on to something.

brasty · 25/01/2017 18:29

She asked the 12 year old because she thought the 12 year old should stand up. So would I have.

CripsSandwiches · 25/01/2017 18:31

Yes I used to stand on a bus as a 5 year old. And I am extremely clumsy and have poor coordination. But I held on to something.

So? I stand on the bus as an adult with much greater ease than a five year old so surely it makes more sense for an adult to stand. My DS seriously bumped his head and got concussion on a train when he went into the pole after a sudden stop. I didn't because I'm bigger and more able to hold on.

Clearly a 12 year old can stand fine and even a young child should stand in preference to a disabled or elderly person but not in preference to a perfectly capable adult. (I don't mean I'd insist an adult got up for my 4 year old but I wouldn't make him get up for them either).

Spikeyball · 25/01/2017 18:33

My child would have fallen over because he wouldn't have understood he needed to hold on. Still would now.

BertrandRussell · 25/01/2017 18:36

"I am 62, and still feel twitchy sitting down when an adult is standing, due to the fact that it was drilled into me as a child that I should stand for an adult .. and sometimes forget that I am"

I can so identify with that!

BertrandRussell · 25/01/2017 18:38

And I find the night of a lap sitting aged child occupying a seat when adults are standing very irritating.

BertrandRussell · 25/01/2017 18:39

"My child would have fallen over because he wouldn't have understood he needed to hold on. Still would now"
Assuming no special needs, I venture to suggest he needs a bit of practice!

876TaylorMade · 25/01/2017 18:39

So I'm to understand that manners are only applicable to children ...

If that's not how manners work the why don't adults follow the same rules?

Or is it because they are tired?

I still don't get why an able bodied adult is entitled to a seat... aren't children more vulnerable standing in a moving vehicle?

Spikeyball · 25/01/2017 18:41

He does have sn but learning rather than physical.

eddiemairswife · 25/01/2017 18:46

Perhaps today's children who spend all their time looking at screens and eating endless snacks are less able to cope with the stops and starts of bus journeys than those of us who spent our childhood climbing trees and exploring bomb sites.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 25/01/2017 18:48

My DS seriously bumped his head and got concussion on a train when he went into the pole after a sudden stop.

Where do you live that trains can stop suddenly? Ours take miles to stop Grin

bumsexatthebingo · 25/01/2017 18:49

I'm sure the point has been made in 8 pages (not read them all) but if the mum was that bothered she could have given her own seat to her dd. YANBU.

PetalMettle · 25/01/2017 18:57

Your "logic" @januarymoods was that half fares should be told to stand up. If we are saying that once everyone who has no reason to sit down is discounted that it should be based on what people pay, then that would indicate that unemployed people (assuming no disability etc) should automatically stand up if the bus is full.
I don't know why you "only on mumsnet" me as it's you putting forward illogical, partial suggestions
I said when a child is able to stand safely they should be treated like an able adult - so expected to stand for those that need it, but not any random adult

JanuaryMoods · 25/01/2017 19:01

Your logic and nit picking is nonsensical and ridiculous. Give it a rest, dear, it's become tiresome.

Ohdearducks · 25/01/2017 19:06

Are children somehow lesser human beings? They always seem to be looked down upon by people!
Why do adults have this sneery attitude to children?

Everyone should have the same respect for eachother regardless of age. Anyone on that bus who was physically able should be willing to give up a seat not just children.

You often see people complaining about ageism on here but it seems to only work in favour of older adults, if you're a child you're to be walked over and seen as inferior and not worthy of respect.

Respect should be given by default until a person (of any age) shows they're undeserving of it.

MuchasSmoochas · 25/01/2017 19:14

Children aren't equal to adults in my house. They don't get the front passenger seat in the car, they don't get the best bed room on holiday, they don't get to pick the restaurant unless as a special treat. I would be quite mortified if my child thought they were equal to an adult in terms of ranking for a bus seat.

Astoria7974 · 25/01/2017 19:19

Children aren't equal to adults on any UK public transport because they either travel free or at a much reduced fare. Half fare was a perfectly valid pricing option when most children were slim enough to sit on their parents' laps but a lot are too fat now. Transport companies should either charge full price for children or make it explicitly clear that they're expected to get up for adults.

user1484766714 · 25/01/2017 19:28

I happily give up my seat for anyone that needs it, disabled, older,able and tired, and any child under 10. I have a 5 year old though and have taught sports to young children. No not safe for 5 year olds to stand, regardless. If they have gross motor skills issues it may be 11, 12 or never.
Those of you with rose tinited glasses about how you stood up when you were very young, may I suggest brakes have improved massively in the last 30 years alone. If it is longer, then there may have been somebody walking with a flag in front of the bus making it much safer for you to stand Grin.
I am shocked some people have such a disregard for such young children. A little bit of kindness and consideration for all goes a long way and might be a good exmple for all the people that should and could give up their seats.
I was on a bus in ireland, just before Christmas, everyone started sitting on each others knees, squashing 3 onto 2 seats, to try to make sure people didn't stand. We all knew each other very well by the end of the journey! It was great fun.

TheCustomaryMethod · 25/01/2017 19:31

Everyone should have the same respect for each other regardless of age.

I agree that everyone should have the same degree of respect for each other, regardless of age - but the ways of showing that respect for each other will differ.

For example, Paul aged 6 could respectfully greet his friend John Smith aged 6, by saying "Hello, John"

If Paul aged 6 was respectfully greeting his neighbour John Smith aged 65, he'd say "Hello, Mr Smith". Mr Smith would respectfully respond "Hello Paul".

Different behaviours are expected of children towards adults than of adults towards children.

PetalMettle · 25/01/2017 19:31

Haha @januarymoods "Nit picking" = stating facts.
Plenty of people have stayed clear reasons why they think 12 year olds shouldn't be given seats, which I disagree with, but are coherent arguments. You have either chosen to mask your true feelings using an illogical suggestion or you simply don't understand the flaws in your argument.
Either way I don't think you're in any position to patronise me, so please refrain from calling me dear.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 25/01/2017 19:39

I always get up and give my seat up - it's nothing to do with kindness, I'm prone to panic attacks if I think I can't get to the door easily. A PP's experience in Ireland would have truly terrified me.

As for respect, I agree with Customary. They don't have the same rights as adults, nor should they be treated the same. As another PP said, they don't get to make the choices that adults do.

A little bit of kindness and consideration for all goes a long way and might be a good exmple for all the people that should and could give up their seats.

Errrr no - adults don't need an example of manners. People aren't going to see someone doing it and think 'oh I didn't realise I should have stood up, I will do so at every future opportunity' Confused

user1484766714 · 25/01/2017 19:42

Livia- you've never seen a kind act and felt inspired by it?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 25/01/2017 19:47

Inspired? Seriously?

Nope - I have done the odd kind act myself but not because someone has 'shown me an example'.

As an adult I do not need to see people 'modelling' behaviour to be a better human being - its patronising to think that any adult does

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 25/01/2017 19:48

Tbf I don't notice what other people do so it's lost on me

notquiteruralbliss · 25/01/2017 19:50

Asking whether anybof the people seated could offer their seat was fine. Specifically targeting a 12yo wasn't OK. Having said that, I hope that any of my DCs would offer a seat to someone less able to stand, irrespective of age. I would.