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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re child giving up seat to an elderly person on the bus

347 replies

user1485342611 · 25/01/2017 15:25

My friend is furious because her 12 year old daughter was asked by an adult to give up her seat on the bus for an elderly man.

Apparently the bus was full, my friend and her daughter were sitting separately and an elderly man with a walking stick got on. No one stood up so a woman who was standing near the door asked friend's dd if she would give the man her seat, which dd did. My friend is going on about the 'cheek' of 'some stranger' telling her daughter what to do and why didn't she ask another adult etc etc

AIBU to think she's being ridiculous, and her daughter should have stood up without prompting?

OP posts:
JanuaryMoods · 25/01/2017 17:09

Must be why all the other adults on the bus didn't offer too then.

A 12 year old isn't an adult.

Gran22 · 25/01/2017 17:10

Pranma, I couldn't agree more. I'm not far behind you age wise and I use public transport a lot. I've given up my seat recently for people who look frail, or older than me, or even someone with a lot of shopping, when there are much younger passengers ignoring the situation. I was brought up not to just think of myself. Also, when I was young, we automatically went upstairs on a double decker. i don't understand why anyone who doesn't need a priority seat sits in one when there are other seats further back.

Sorry to all those whose don't think children should stand up for older adults, but I brought my DC up to do it automatically, and they are bringing up their DC to be equally considerate.

Sirzy · 25/01/2017 17:11

So at what age does a "child" stop having to offer seats for any adult then? Do they have to offer for an 18 year old? Where do we draw the line?

You no more know what a 12 year old on the bus is going through than you do a 32 year old. You can't make assumptions on the needs of others.

If someone visibly needs a space someone should offer who doesn't, if someone has an invisible need for a space they need to ask others to allow them to sit - generally starting with the priority seats.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 25/01/2017 17:12

Ok fair enough so when's the cut off for no longer having to offer a seat?

As far as I'm concerned all the adults on the bus who didn't offer a seat behaved just as badly, if not worse than the 12 year old since they should know better. But of course it's the 12 year old who was badly brought up. Hmm

Sirzy · 25/01/2017 17:14

formerly exactly the other adults should be leading by example.

JanuaryMoods · 25/01/2017 17:14

On our buses the driver orders those paying reduced fare to stand up, problem solved. If they want a seat, pay full fare.

TheCustomaryMethod · 25/01/2017 17:17

Gran22

Yes, I automatically take the rearmost free seat on a bus - just because that's what I was brought up to believe one did.

I also go upstairs on double-deckers but have to admit that's because I like the superior view! I'll be dragging myself up those stairs when I'm in my 80s if I still can (and if buses still exist then) Grin.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 25/01/2017 17:17

And this is why I no longer take the bus. Well, this and that woman who eats her own earwax. There's usually a space next to her, but nobody seems to want to sit there.

noeffingidea · 25/01/2017 17:18

Quite right too, Brasty . Thats exactly what I do, too.
I was brought up to always offer my seat to an adult, and I taught my children to do the same, with the exception of my daughter who is autistic and just doesn't get it. But then I avoid taking her on buses when they're likely to be full.
I would still offer my seat to an 'elderly' person, or pregnant woman, or anyone who looked as if they needed it, because its so engrained in me, and I'm 56 now.
I can see why we have the situation of the entitled mothers who refuse to move or fold their buggies to make way for a wheelchair user. All part and parcel of the same crappy attitude.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 25/01/2017 17:18

On our buses the driver orders those paying reduced fare to stand up, problem solved. If they want a seat, pay full fare.

And those that don't pay at all?
Not everyone on a senior pass is frail and requires a seat. My grandma would laugh at the idea.

dollydaydream114 · 25/01/2017 17:19

If I had a 12-year-old who a) had to be to asked to vacate a seat for a person with a walking stick instead of offering her seat unprompted and b) complained to mummy about it afterwards, I would be utterly ashamed of them.

Lots of people saying 'Why didn't she ask another adult?' Well, sorry, but why does it matter? Most people just ask the person who is in the nearest seat so the person with limited mobility doesn't have far to go to sit down. If it's a 12-year-old kid, so be it. Nobody has time to scan an entire bus, assess everyone's age and mobility and single out the person they think is least worthy of a seat before they ask someone to move.

Sirzy · 25/01/2017 17:20

On our buses the driver orders those paying reduced fare to stand up, problem solved. If they want a seat, pay full fare.

But you are paying for the right to travel not for a seat. Or do they not charge people who can't sit because the bus is full?

What if the child on the half fare is disabled?

PetalMettle · 25/01/2017 17:23

So does that mean the unemployed all stand up @januarymoods?

TheCustomaryMethod · 25/01/2017 17:24

You no more know what a 12 year old on the bus is going through than you do a 32 year old. You can't make assumptions on the needs of others.

But if we lived in a society where everyone was considerate, we wouldn't have to.

If it was normal for fit and able people to give way to the disabled, and for younger people to give way to older as it used to be; if you then saw a 12 year old/young adult remaining in their seat while an elderly gentleman stood, you would assume there was a good reason for it, and not that they were being selfish.

TheFairyCaravan · 25/01/2017 17:24

On the bus pass we bought for our children's travel to sixth form it had it in the terms and conditions that if the bus was full they had to give up their seat for a full fare paying passenger.

DS2 has a student bus pass for the city he lives in now. He uses it to get to and from uni and his ward placements, he always gives up his seat if someone needs it more than him. It's just basic manners.

JanuaryMoods · 25/01/2017 17:25

And those that don't pay at all? They stood up in their youth. Now you're just being stupid.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/01/2017 17:26

I would be mortally ashamed if my child was sat on a bus instead of an adult , especially an elderly/impaired one. This is why I hate the bus actually. Its a minefield!

My children are full of energy and frankly their day at school (9-3) is a piece of piss compared to my day, and most adults!

Sirzy · 25/01/2017 17:26

But where do you draw the line?

I am 33 should a 25 year old give up a seat for me? Should I give one up for a 40 year old? Why are we judging based on age? Surely it is actually agism?

It should be judged on need not age. Age isn't an indicator of ability - unless we are getting into much older people of course.

JanuaryMoods · 25/01/2017 17:27

So does that mean the unemployed all stand up @januarymoods?

Are they kids? No.

The disabled get reduced fares as well, maybe we should make them stand up for 12 year olds.

Only on mumsnet.

Sirzy · 25/01/2017 17:27

By the way I do always give up my seat for anyone I think needs it more, and would if someone asked me for one. I just don't like this assumption of young people being some sort of inferior species.

alltouchedout · 25/01/2017 17:29

No wonder there's so many rude, unaware people going around in a bubble nowadays. Some parents seem to be more exercised about their child's 'rights' and 'entitlements', than about bringing them up to be decent human beings

Interesting.

I think it's quite rude, and certainly aggressive and unpleasant, when people trot out phrases such as " your little snowflake" "little fuckers" "poor delicate flowers", as some posters arguing that children should always offer their seats to adults have done.

Whilst I do think the 12 year old in this case should have offered her seat, I also think any other person without additional needs sitting in an easily accessible seat should have offered, and I do wonder why the woman didn't make it a general question but felt she should specifically ask the 12 year old girl.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 25/01/2017 17:29

They stood up in their youth. Now you're just being stupid.

Not really, just pointing out holes in an argument.

BigbyWolf · 25/01/2017 17:29

I really don't get all the indignation about children being asked instead of adults. It doesn't re-inforce some kind of message that they're 'inferior', it just trains their young unformed minds to be aware of others and to try and be kind and considerate when they can be.

No wonder there's so many rude, unaware people going around in a bubble nowadays. Some parents seem to be more exercised about their child's 'rights' and 'entitlements', than about bringing them up to be decent human beings

Personally, I just don't think that an able-bodied adult should be prioritised for a seat over a child simply because they're older. I do get fed up with the whole 'children today are being spoilt/have no respect etc etc blah blah..' thing. It's tiresome.

My dds are 12 and 16. They've been raised to have respect and consideration for others. They are very polite. They understand and possess empathy for others. They would both give up their seat for someone who clearly needed it.They are very decent human beings thank you very much.

But I still don't think they should automatically give up a seat for an able-bodied adult just because they're younger.

CripsSandwiches · 25/01/2017 17:35

If her DD couldn't stand she could have offered her own seat. She's being ridiculous. I hate it when no one takes responsibility for offering a seat to someone who needs it.

PaintingOwls · 25/01/2017 17:38

Yeah I agree.

The other day a 4 year old got on the commuter train and demanded a seat "DADDY I want to sit down DADDY why won't someone give me a seat" and someone got up. Daddy didn't look mortified at having an entitled screechy child Hmm

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