To wonder why domestic violence is seen as a womans issue and abused men are often ignored

[IHaveArrivedAtABadTime]

Not trying to start an argument, am just curious that's all.

40% of domestic violence victims are men yet male victims seemed to be ignored a lot of the time.

Women have shelters and refuges but there seems to be little in place to help abused men. I've just googled help for male dv victims in my city and there's nothing

AIBU to think there should be more help for male victims and we should be working on removing the stigma attached to being a male victim?

Imagine bibblewanda was a man saying that to a woman concerned about the lack of refuges! Gah!

As has been pointed out immeasurable times on this thread, women need refuges much, much more than men do.

Yet the op posted on a website predominantly used by women, in the context of "well women have this why can't men" which is such a gross misunderstanding of the true situation it beggars belief.

aunty

I judge everyone based on their merit. Please do not imagine I sent away poor male victims. I did not. As I have already pointed out, all but three were proven - yes, proven - to be perpetrators.

@Bibblewanda

You haven't answered the question as to why it is acceptable to say "off you pop" or "However, what does that have to do with women?"

How would you feel if a man said the same about DV towards women?

I have answered the question, that is literally what my last post was

My god this thread is infuriating. Two women are killed by their partners or ex partners every week in the uk. How many men are killed?
Sorry but I do not think the demand for men's refuges is there, and women's refuges are closing all the time due to budget cuts, which is a travesty.

No, you said that women need support and refuges more than men and that this website is predominantly used by women.

You haven't explained why you think it okay to tell men to sort it to themselves as it is nothing to do with women, nor have you said how you would feel if, when getting support for female victims, a man told you it was nothing to do with them.

As you (and others, but you're on at the moment) have basically said, fuck off men, we don't care. As a compassionate (female) human, I subscribe more to "And no one is saying that it should be women's/feminists' problem to sort out. Just, you know, something for civilised society to take seriously."

Why would all these perpetrators go to the trouble of pretending to be victims and everything that goes along with being a male victim - stigma, shame, etc?

Because the easiest way to shut a female victim up is to tell her she's crazy,she's the abusive one,that she will go to jail and lose her kids. That no one will believe her and believe you. And then you show her that's exactly how it is. Because they get off on power. Because they get off on manipulating and getting sympathy.
Just have a look through the threads on here. Many of them started because OP has been accused of being emotionally abusive/controlling ,when she is in fact the victim.

what would you think if a man said "women complaining about domestic abuse shouldn't be laughed at. However, what does that have to do with men."

That was exactly what happened which is why women had to campaign, raise funds and build the refuge movement for themselves. DV victims were blamed for their abusers behaviour routinely, just as sexual violence victims still are.

Just, you know, something for civilised society to take seriously

I'll take it seriously when DV against the majority of victims, who are female, is taken seriously.

I was prepared to believe each and every male DV victim I saw. Unfortunately, as stated many times, an overwhelming majority were lying. That wasn't my prejudice btw - that's proven to be lying, either through physical evidence, recordings and so on, or through the bodies of dead women in a morgue.

It's very sad when anyone gets murdered. However, when a man gets murdered by his wife, that is not symptomatic of a society wide major problem of violence against men. When a woman is murdered by her husband, it is. That's why DV services and refuges exist.

Sans you are half right. It is our responsibility as a society to protect all abuse victims. However society has massively failed,so women fought hard and worked hard to protect themselves and their children.
The question really is,why can't men do the same? When as a class their voice gets heard more,they have more finances etc. Why don't men campaign and fundraise and raise awareness? Women were not given shelters and refuges,they went and "built" them.

Because the easiest way to shut a female victim up is to tell her she's crazy

This.

Going along with these these stats.

40% male victims. 104 women a year are killed by their partner ex partner. That would mean 41.6 men.

Happy to be corrected but going off just how many women are jailed for murder this isn't ringing true.

So if people want to claim 40% of DV victims are male fine. If this was actually true, can someone explain how it seems to be women who are murdered on a regular basis not men?

My dad claimed he was being abused - it was in fact very much the other way round, marital rape, financial abuse and isolation .. it was just that my mum eventually retaliated and then she was seen as mentally ill and given ECT with presumably his consent. I don't think that scenario is unusual either.

"I say sweetheart because we love each other but don't / can't have sex. I'm the only support he has; if he confided in anyone else, she might find out and his life would almost certainly be at risk. As insane as it sounds, it is a cold, hard fact."

Yeah, or you're having an emotional affair with a married man who is keeping you quiet by telling you fibs that his wife will hurt him if she ever finds out. It keeps you in your place. He's a cheating liar, not a sweetheart victim.

wettunwindee Interesting how you paraphrased that to quote me

^What's the difference between 'radar' and bigotry?
Interesting that you had what some could call a compassionate job!^

Still do actually, terribly sorry if my compassion doesn't include misogynists who do literally nothing to help their own gender unless their own gender fits up to patriarchal views of what a "man" should look like.

And bigot. Really?

That was exactly what happened which is why women had to campaign, raise funds and build the refuge movement for themselves. DV victims were blamed for their abusers behaviour routinely

Disgusting wasn't it.

Is this about revenge then, or giving men a taste of their own medicine?

A slight stretch here, but bear with me:

Not long ago there were the infamous 'No dogs, no blacks' signs. This was legal and acceptable. Happily, this is now illegal and for the vast majority of society, entirely unacceptable. The black people who fought for this have benefitted other races. The legislation and support was for others.

Shops nowadays could not say 'no dogs, no disabled, no Poles'.

just as sexual violence victims still are.

We'll disagree there.

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@UnbornMortificado

It seems like twice as many women are killed than men. 33% as opposed to 40%.

You're right that the statistics for women going to prison for this tell a different story. I wonder if there are any juries where a) the woman side with the women suspecting there's a back story b) the men don't like the perceived lack of masculinity by association

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@Bibblewanda

However, when a man gets murdered by his wife, that is not symptomatic of a society wide major problem of violence against men. When a woman is murdered by her husband, it is.

I've no doubt you think that's true.

You haven't explained why you think it okay to tell men to sort it to themselves as it is nothing to do with women, nor have you said how you would feel if, when getting support for female victims, a man told you it was nothing to do with them.

Are you going to answer?

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@RebelRogue

The question really is, why can't men do the same?

They can. There are obvious prejudices holding them back though. Unlikely to be believed. As evidenced in this thread, they'll be questioned as to if they deserved it. They'll receive an absolute lack of empathy from half the population saying that women have it worse so fuck MRAs.

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@lulu

My quote: I work in dva support for women... and the amount of male perps that used to go there to "get advice" claiming to be the victim was staggering. (Any woman who has either been through dva or works in the field long enough develops a sort of radar I swear! )

Original: I work in dva support for women, as does my friend - she used to run One Stop Shops local to us and the amount of male perps that used to go there to "get advice" claiming to be the victim was staggering. (Any woman who has either been through dva or works in the field long enough develops a sort of radar I swear! )

I wouldn't say I misquoted you.

Still do actually, terribly sorry if my compassion doesn't include misogynists who do literally nothing to help their own gender unless their own gender fits up to patriarchal views of what a "man" should look like.

Did you copy and paste something accidentally?

Am I the misogynist? Is it the DV victims? What should "men" look like? Why is men in quotation marks?

And bigot. Really?

Yep.

What a depressing thread.

Victims of domestic abuse are victims of abuse whether they are male or female. No victim because of their gender is superior or more deserving to the other.

Niskayuna . Your reply exemplifies why abuse victims don't come forward.

You haven't explained why you think it okay to tell men to sort it to themselves as it is nothing to do with women, nor have you said how you would feel if, when getting support for female victims, a man told you it was nothing to do with them.

Even if there were an equal likelihood of women and men being the victims of domestic violence, women are more likely to need refuges because

1. They are more likely to be financially dependent on the perpetrator
2. They are more likely to have children who are dependent on them.
3. They are physically less able to defend themselves.

Point 3 will never change.

Women's refuges and support services were started by volunteers and charities. Anybody who feels strongly about DV against men is able to set up refuges and support for men. The people who they might look to for practical help - MPs, doctors, ministers, civil servants, judges, newspaper editors, police, local councillors, business leaders etc. etc. are more often than not men.

Even if all women called themselves feminists, they are under represented in public life. Practically, if men are the forgotten victims of domestic violence, the people they need to talk to are other men.

However some people do seem to find it easier to have a go at feminists. It's not very effective though.

Oh read what I actually said ffs

@Merrymouse - I don't think anyone has had a go at feminists.

"Even if all women called themselves feminists" - isn't it 7% and falling. Not sure what that has to do with it though. @Niskayuna gave a wonderful example of why men may find it hard, despite wielding all this power.

nor have you said how you would feel if, when getting support for female victims, a man told you it was nothing to do with them.

I'd still like an answer to this. Bearing in mind that all these people ("MPs, doctors, ministers, civil servants, judges, newspaper editors, police, local councillors, business leaders") are likely men, at some point, men must have stopped saying it was nothing to do with them.

You haven't explained why you think it okay to tell men to sort it to themselves as it is nothing to do with women, nor have you said how you would feel if, when getting support for female victims, a man told you it was nothing to do with them.

As already explained several times, it is nothing to do with women because DV against men is not symptomatic of a society and world wide epidemic of female violence against men. In rare cases where men are true victims, it is individual females who are the problem not femininity as a whole. In the majority of cases where women are victims (of which there are thousands and thousands) it is, as I have said, symptomatic of a wider problem.

As for how I would feel if a man told me it was nothing to do with them, see my points above. But also: they have. Frequently. Please do not labour under the sad
misapprehension that male on female DV is taken remotely seriously by society as a whole. If it was it wouldn't still be happening.

Unless you think those women in the morgue murdered themselves? No? Well until then, the statistic is two women a week are killed by a current or former partner, so women are who I'll be focusing on.

And I treated every single victim who came to me, male or female, on the assumption they were telling the truth. Unfortunately, on the majority of cases it turned out the men were lying. I do not say that because I am biased. I say that because of evidence which proved they were.

The point is that there are specific practical reasons why women need refuges and why women have found it difficult to get support for female issues.

Men may very well feel unable to talk to other men about domestic violence, but that is not the same issue as a woman with no money having to find shelter for her children.