To wonder why domestic violence is seen as a womans issue and abused men are often ignored

[IHaveArrivedAtABadTime]

Not trying to start an argument, am just curious that's all.

40% of domestic violence victims are men yet male victims seemed to be ignored a lot of the time.

Women have shelters and refuges but there seems to be little in place to help abused men. I've just googled help for male dv victims in my city and there's nothing

AIBU to think there should be more help for male victims and we should be working on removing the stigma attached to being a male victim?

[Datun]

too

Making a class analysis based on statiatics should inform legislation. I don't think anyone would find an argument against that. But of course, it does not negate the situations that don't conform to class analysis. When a man, such as your friend, is in the situation many women find themselves in, class analysis for him goes up the whazoo.

No one is denying that you can't have empathy with, and compassion for, individuals.

[Toooldtobearsed]

User, believe it or not, i found my own links last week and passed them on. He is in the same situation as an abused woman, frightened, cowed and terrified of upsetting her.

I am sorry that i seem to have been dismissive.

I am not.

Will bow out now. Just thought it was an interesting topic and i had some personal experience to relate.

[Datun]

Too

Many women here who have been in a similar situation to your friend have found the strength to leave. However, it doesn't necessarily mean that things go smoothly after that. There are always terribly difficult decisions to make. One of the things a lot of women say is do you want your children to grow up thinking this is how relationships are? Sometimes remaining in a situation purely for the sake of the children doesn't seem like an option that is actually in their best interests.

If he does post, tell him to link to this thread and your post about him with the date and time so people can see he is kosher.

[user1484317265]

Sorry User, there are sites that provide moral support, but we have yet to find any assurance, from anyone, that he can safely move out and keep the children

And you say this means there is no help at all for men? I gave you 3 links, why not pass them on? What assurances do you think women get? Noone can tell them they can safely move out and keep the children. In fact what we have to tell them is that they are in far greater danger when they try and leave, and if they do, he will get shared custody or regular access to the children and she will still have to have contact with him.


You can't claim that services don't exist, and then when pointed to multiple services dismiss them out of hand because they don't offer something that cannot be offered to anyone, male or female.

[HelenaDove]

Toooldtobearsed. What a horrible situation. Its great that he has you for support.

[venusinscorpio]

It's great that he has you tooold and you are willing to help him out with practical needs if he does decide to leave. I can see how frustrating it must be but you are offering him a glimmer of light. He may eventually see that he needs to do something about reporting the abuse.

[HelenaDove]

Sans posted it upthread. I agree with the consensus here . What women have has been fought for over decades.

[Toooldtobearsed]

Datun, do you know, it never crossed my mind to suggest he posts here. I am seeing him on Monday, so will mention it then - great idea, thank you

He really is the nicest man you could wish to meet and gave up a career in teaching to be a SAHD. I just feel so frustrated at talking in circles with him. My DH, although he is a lovely man, cannot get his head around a woman physically and emotionally abusing a man, so he is of no bloody use at all (apart from agreeing to stump up for house rentals etc).

Will ask him to give MN a try

[user1484317265]

What is the point of that story?

[HelenaDove]

In a study, men and women were told a story "“Scarlett and John have been arguing for the past three days. Scarlett has been getting frustrated that John has been spending a lot of money from their joint bank account. The bills are supposed to be paid in two days and John has asked Scarlett to pay more than his half once again. Scarlett and John start arguing and John pushed Scarlett out of the way to leave the room. Scarlett pulls John back and punches him in the face.




Scarlett was being financially abused by John.

[Datun]

Too

That's bloody awful. If the wife is working full time, and everything else you say is accurate, I can't imagine how she would be awarded custody and not him. However if he is staying unless he gets a cast iron guarantee, which he can't get, I don't know what the solution is.

However, I do know that many women have found courage and support for that exact situation here on Mumsnet. Could you get him to post on here on the relationships board? If nothing else, he will find support. And lots of advice.

[venusinscorpio]

I can imagine. Unless a person wants to report or leave though there is not much anyone can do apart from offer emotional support and practical advice. You could report the abuse yourself but it might cause more problems for your relative and I imagine he'd see it as a huge betrayal of his trust. But obviously no one should have to live like that.

[Toooldtobearsed]

Venus, you have explained the situation perfectly, thank you 😊

He will stay there, i think. Unless someone could give him a cast iron guarantee that she would not get custody of the children.
I think, on reflection, you are right about a refuge. I just feel so helpless.

[venusinscorpio]

Yes but no one can give those assurances about custody that he's looking for to feel that he can leave as it's ultimately up to a court to decide. Especially if he won't report the dv to the police. So I can understand that he feels trapped in the relationship by that.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Too

Your relative is entitled to the same assurances and subject to exactly the same laws as a female abuse victim would be.

[venusinscorpio]

I doubt anyone will give your relative assurance that he can move out and keep the children as they won't be in a position to do this as it would have to go to court. I doubt they would want to give him false hope. If he doesn't report the abuse and violence to the police then it's even less likely. As things stand with no dv evidence I think they're quite likely to award custody to the mother. I can understand that he feels he can't leave for that reason. I don't really know what the answer would be.

She is essentially holding him hostage, he's only staying for the children, he's consciously putting up with the awful abuse and cruelty he is suffering because of the children. I think this is quite common when the abuser is female and the victim male. I'm a survivor myself of domestic violence. I've had two violent relationships, neither involving any children thankfully. I do sympathise and I hope he can get help but would he really want to go to a refuge if one were available? I don't think a lot of men would. I think the people who really need them are those who are fleeing for their lives and completely without any other option. Whenever I hear men's stories, they are very rarely in this extreme position where their partner is likely to murder them. And it's not fair to allow men into the same refuge environment as these women who are at risk of further violence. Women in this situation need to feel safe. So if a need is identified for a specific men's refuge, then great, I hope someone will set one up. But I'm not sure there is.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

It's not just the men who have "nowhere to run", the children living in DV households where the perpetrator is a woman, are fucked too. Domestic violence ruins children's lives.

[Toooldtobearsed]

Dangermouse, thank you!

We have been through this with bim. He will not report to the police as they, would laugh at him ( he is 6ft+, she is 5ft3ins).
She has convinced him that even if he is the primary carer at the moment, she would get custody because she is in a stable, well paid job. He would be on benefits and apparently, not a court in the land would grant him custody.

In short she has done the same number on him as countless men have on women - i knowthat- but it is still hard to shift that mindset. N9 matter how we try to reassure him, he still believes she will win, so stays in this awful situation.

Btw, the children are adored by both of them, no question there.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

Tooold, you don't think those organisations listed could help your relative in any way?

[Toooldtobearsed]

Not trying to minimise it in any way Bertrand, it is undoubtably more prevalant and certainly more horrific in its outcome.

I do not want to detract from this at all, i am simply shocked, because i was stupid to be blind to the fact, that men can go through the same thing and have nowhere to turn.

[BertrandRussell]

"Personally, i give not a shit whether the abused person is male, female or transexual. This is a human being suffering"
I agree. But I do give a shit, actually. Because the perpetrators are mostly men, and men's violence is a big issue in our society. Of course all victims need support and help and justice. But in the process of getting it for them we must be very careful not to be distracted by those who seek to minimise male violence.

[dangermouseisace]

it is right that every case is tragic but it sounds like you've offered help to your relative (guarantor, financial support) and he's refused it. This is not a judgement- many women do exactly the same, for the same reasons. Maybe if he tried one of the abuse organisations listed above, rather than CAB (who are not an abuse charity) then your relative could access support.

FWIW if your relative has been the primary carer for the kids the courts would most probably argue they should stay with him. And he should go to the police...by reporting and getting evidence of domestic abuse he'd be eligible for legal aid.

[Toooldtobearsed]

Sorry User, there are sites that provide moral support, but we have yet to find any assurance, from anyone, that he can safely move out and keep the children.

His partner has a well paid job, easily capable of providing resouces for a full time nanny. She has told him, and he believes her, that he will not get custody, so he puts up with the casual cruelty of keeping him short on housekeeping money, so he feeds the children and eats toast 5 days a week, to the mundane, slapping and punching him in the ribs and stomach for not knowing that dinner must be on the table at seven, she had an appointment later that night, to the downright cruel- telling him that if he did not have sex with her, she would 'board' the seven year old. She also stubs out cifgarettes on him, for no reason other than 'he is there to serve her'.

I know that he could leave. I know that he could retain guardianship of the children. I know they could have a better life. But, just like an abused woman, he cannot see past that initial threat, and unlike women, there is no practical support! You can keep posting links, but, hand on heart, there is nothing tangible that he can cling to for help.

I am seriously considering trying to start a practical support group for abused men, looking at sourcing refuges for them and their children. They do not exist. There is a failing here. I am the biggest supporter of women and their rughts, but moving, albeit slowly, to being a supporter of people and their rights.

[merrymouse]

Personally, i give not a shit whether the abused person is male, female or transexual. This is a human being suffering, as well as their children, potentially.

Absolutely, which is why it is perfectly possible to campaign for more support for male victims without using meaningless statistics.

The problem is that shocking though it may seem, plenty of people talk about men's rights and 'all lives matter', not because they care about civil rights but because they hate the fact that prejudice against women and black people is recognised.

A few years ago this might have been thought of as a fringe issue, but now Steve Bannon is in the Whitehouse.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

There's support in my town. Mainly staffed by women BTW.