To wonder why domestic violence is seen as a womans issue and abused men are often ignored

[IHaveArrivedAtABadTime]

Not trying to start an argument, am just curious that's all.

40% of domestic violence victims are men yet male victims seemed to be ignored a lot of the time.

Women have shelters and refuges but there seems to be little in place to help abused men. I've just googled help for male dv victims in my city and there's nothing

AIBU to think there should be more help for male victims and we should be working on removing the stigma attached to being a male victim?

[BertrandRussell]

"Remember that women in homosexual relationships are the most vulnerable group"

Are they? Evidence please.

[Datun]

This thread wasn't about women. Does that make you feel overlooked and insignificant?

Nice.

Given that it is women who set up women's aid on a voluntary basis, have campaigned since tirelessly for the donations to the charity, lobbying for more resources and raising the profile of domestic abuse and, through their efforts, have had the refuges proliferate - I think the one thing you can say they aren't is .

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

no they are not

women when leaving their male partners that are violent are the most vulnerable that is why it is essential they are in a refuge

if you knew anything about dv you will know this

[SansComic]

@MrsTerryPratchett

Yep. You're wrong multiple times

I didn't mean to hide my history. I think my use of @ ^ * and _ is clear enough and that's ignoring my MRA status!

I admire people with the courage of their convictions as much as those who who can admit when they were wrong. I suspect both of us are in the first category!

I have god knows how many user names but never deliberately use them to confuse other posters. I immediately explained my two usernames.

@BertrandRussell - for people to agree that male victims of DV are under provisioned for. Nothing more. Nothing less. In complete vacuum to women and DV: that was the point of the thread.

@DJBaggySmalls

If you want more to be done for male victims of DV, no one is stopping you.

True. As I mentioned, I do a lot for charity. Nothing to do with DV victims of either sex for entirely biased and emotive reasons.


Women did it, you can too with the help of Womens Aid and Rape Crisis. Which you would know existed if you ever did anything more than spout off on forums.

That's a tired and boring assumption.

If you had come here with a link to your fundraising campaign. women would have donated.

A link to my fundraising campaign would have 'outed me', as well as being insignificant. We go for corporate sponsors. One of them = 1m (no exaggeration) MN "women".

[DJBaggySmalls]

Womens shelters are being forced to hold empty places for men that have no need for them.
They are having their funding cut if they dont house men.

Men need to tackle male violence and raise money for services they need instead of constantly attacking women.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/aug/03/domestic-violence-refuge-crisis-women-closure-safe-houses

[BertrandRussell]

"for people to agree that male victims of DV are under provisioned for"

I don't know, is the answer to that. How many places in refuges for men are there and what's the shortfall? What other specific provision is needed?

[DJBaggySmalls]

The link I provided states places for men are not taken up in some areas, and women go without a needed place as a result.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I think male victims of DV are under-provisioned. Particularly young, often gay men whose families abuse and reject them. They often end up in homeless shelters and doing sex work.

But I'm not sure that's who the OP was referring to. Male adult victims of domestic violence in their adult relationships? I'm not sure they are under-provisioned. Also, the over-whelming sex of the perpetrators is male. The issue being that often women can be housed separately but men can't. And having seen the dreadful violence in homeless shelters first hand (99% of the time from men) I don't think they are safe.

I think female victims are massively less provisioned and very much more likely to die.

[SansComic]

I think female victims are massively less provisioned and very much more likely to die

But, the money spent on men vs women isn't anywhere near the 40-60 split shown by statistics.

I haven't seen anything to suggest that the 60% of women only deserve %60 of the funding, but I have seen lots of posts that suggest the %40 of men deserve less than %40 of the funding.

Before I gracefully-ish bow out, I want to reiterate that I have never argued in favour of male DV provision as opposed ot female DV provision. I have simply said that men are under-catered for.

It's sad that many posters will not accept this, will keep up their "whatabouttery" or deliberately ignore statistics. As I said (genuinely), I hope that these posters are never met with the same sexism they;ve displayed. Their posts make me embarrassed and ashamed. I wonder what kind of warped and self-indulgent lives they lead.

[user1484317265]

Remember that women in homosexual relationships are the most vulnerable group. Whilst women may be the class in most danger, men aren't the class most likely to hurt their partner

If you have to keep stating outrageous lies such as this to support your position, its not a good position.

[user1484317265]

This thread wasn't about women. Does that make you feel overlooked and insignificant? Most threads here are about women but this wasn't

Actually it was, because it was a WOMAN asking other WOMENabout our opinion on responses to WOMENS experience of DV as opposed to men?
Does that make you feel like you've misunderstood and crashed around this thread like a bull in a womens refuge? It should.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

I don't understand why you're posting SansComic. You keep stating that men are under provisioned, but you aren't giving any detail as to how or why. No detail as to what you'd rather happen, apart from to mention your fundraising campaign that you won't name and don't need any help with.

[DJBaggySmalls]

SansComic
Please post a link to the statistic showing 40% of victims are male.
The official statistics dont back that up at all; 2 women a week are murdered, 40 men a year.
www.lwa.org.uk/understanding-abuse/statistics.htm

Your posts are outrageous, you are doing your cause no good at all. People can read the thread for themselves.

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

the money isn't split because the stats need to be looked into further and as I pointed out before men reporting violence that has been caused by woman defending themselves are also included

and the reason why woman are in refuges is because when a woman is leaving a violent relationship this point in time the violence is often greatly stepped up and this is when women and children really are at their most vulnerable

it is not just so they can have the space to get their life together (though that is supported and needed often they will have children too that need to be somewhere safe and calm) the priority is to keep them from safe being very violently attacked or murdered and we know from all the statistics that many woman are very seriously violently attacked and many are murdered soon after they have left a violent partner (male partner)

now if women are killing their male partners at the same rate (or gay men) then there would be that desperate need for men to be in refuges but they are not

but then you should know all this I am surprised that you don't if you are involved in fund raising

[merrymouse]

I haven't seen anything to suggest that the 60% of women only deserve %60 of the funding, but I have seen lots of posts that suggest the %40 of men deserve less than %40 of the funding.

But we don't know where that statistic comes from or why you would assume that men actually need 40% of funding. Even if they had 40% of funding, without volunteers and chartiable donations that money might not go very far.

Male victims of domestic violence need support based on their needs, not on some kind of weird desire to have 'parity' with women.

Without more information the 40%/60% statistic is completely meaningless. Maybe there are people who can explain it, but they aren't on this thread.

[Toooldtobearsed]

@Sanscomic, i agree.

I think the provision for women, provided by women, is wonderful. I fully support it, and have, in monetary terms over the years.

I have a relative, i did not know him terribly well until lately, when he moved into the area. He is a SAHD, with 2 under 5s and a 7 year old. His wife, of 12 years abuses him terribly. He has scars, burns, bruises and has been sexually assualted by her. This only came to light when i popped in, unexpectedly, to see how they were settling in and caught him at a low point.

He will not leave the children. He is not on the deeds of the house she has just bought. There are no support services for abused men in my area. He is scared of her. Svared of what she might do. I feel so powerless to help. He is right, there is no help for him. CAB said he should simply remove himself from the situation. His fear is for the children, so he will not go.

Tbh, i have offered him the deposit on a rental property and told him that DH and I would guarantee his first three months rent, just to try nd help, but he is panicking that the children would be removed from his care, and will not risk it.

There is a lack of support for male abussees. No one in their right mind can dispute that. The reason that support for women is there is that women organised themselves and created support, i accept that, but can no one see that men do suffer, are you all so blinkered that you do not care? Personally, i give not a shit whether the abused person is male, female or transexual. This is a human being suffering, as well as their children, potentially.

I am obviously in the minority, but i am suprised that more supportbis not shown for the people that violence is perpetrated against, rather than the gender. And yes, i know it affects more women, but every case is tragic and deserves our compassion.

[venusinscorpio]

As I've said, the 60/40 statistic was and still is misleading due to the way the Crime Survey is carried out and is actually now no longer correct as sexual violence is now counted which has increased the proportion of women to men.

[Foldedtshirt]

That's a sad but unusual story tooold
The bottom line is that 2/3 women a week are killed by partners or ex partners. Everything else, the provision and education stems from that.

[user1484317265]

There is a lack of support for male abussees. No one in their right mind can dispute that
There are no support services for abused men

There are though.
new.mankind.org.uk/
mensadviceline.org.uk/
www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-men/

[MrsTerryPratchett]

There's support in my town. Mainly staffed by women BTW.

[merrymouse]

Personally, i give not a shit whether the abused person is male, female or transexual. This is a human being suffering, as well as their children, potentially.

Absolutely, which is why it is perfectly possible to campaign for more support for male victims without using meaningless statistics.

The problem is that shocking though it may seem, plenty of people talk about men's rights and 'all lives matter', not because they care about civil rights but because they hate the fact that prejudice against women and black people is recognised.

A few years ago this might have been thought of as a fringe issue, but now Steve Bannon is in the Whitehouse.

[dangermouseisace]

it is right that every case is tragic but it sounds like you've offered help to your relative (guarantor, financial support) and he's refused it. This is not a judgement- many women do exactly the same, for the same reasons. Maybe if he tried one of the abuse organisations listed above, rather than CAB (who are not an abuse charity) then your relative could access support.

FWIW if your relative has been the primary carer for the kids the courts would most probably argue they should stay with him. And he should go to the police...by reporting and getting evidence of domestic abuse he'd be eligible for legal aid.

[Toooldtobearsed]

Sorry User, there are sites that provide moral support, but we have yet to find any assurance, from anyone, that he can safely move out and keep the children.

His partner has a well paid job, easily capable of providing resouces for a full time nanny. She has told him, and he believes her, that he will not get custody, so he puts up with the casual cruelty of keeping him short on housekeeping money, so he feeds the children and eats toast 5 days a week, to the mundane, slapping and punching him in the ribs and stomach for not knowing that dinner must be on the table at seven, she had an appointment later that night, to the downright cruel- telling him that if he did not have sex with her, she would 'board' the seven year old. She also stubs out cifgarettes on him, for no reason other than 'he is there to serve her'.

I know that he could leave. I know that he could retain guardianship of the children. I know they could have a better life. But, just like an abused woman, he cannot see past that initial threat, and unlike women, there is no practical support! You can keep posting links, but, hand on heart, there is nothing tangible that he can cling to for help.

I am seriously considering trying to start a practical support group for abused men, looking at sourcing refuges for them and their children. They do not exist. There is a failing here. I am the biggest supporter of women and their rughts, but moving, albeit slowly, to being a supporter of people and their rights.

[BertrandRussell]

"Personally, i give not a shit whether the abused person is male, female or transexual. This is a human being suffering"
I agree. But I do give a shit, actually. Because the perpetrators are mostly men, and men's violence is a big issue in our society. Of course all victims need support and help and justice. But in the process of getting it for them we must be very careful not to be distracted by those who seek to minimise male violence.