Honestly do you judge teen mothers?

[Willialwaysbelookeddownon]

I had my first son a month before I turned 17, and despite really trying at mum and baby groups I was always shut out of conversations and never taken seriously. I was lucky that I wasn't dropped by any of my friends but they never had children of their own and I was quite often isolated.
I am now engaged, pursued the career I wanted and have another DS.
A girl on our road is pregnant at 16 and my heart very much goes out to her. She's seem so very lonely.
So my question is, do you judge young mums? Would you be less inclined to speak to a mum at a mother/baby group because they were say 16?

If their child is in a stable and loving relationship and especially if they had their own home and secure income

A stable and loving relationship at 16 is not (statistically speaking) likely to last the distance - and how many 16 year olds do you know who are earning enough to own their own home? They are more likely to be in insecure rental accommodation, earning a minimum wage. If a parent encourages (or rather, doesn't discourage) their 16 year old from having a baby then they are doing them a massive disservice - there is a huge middle ground between 16 and pregnant, and not having a child because they are too old or in an abusive relationship.

And Sheldon I don't just think it's a clash of "aspirations" - I finished my degree, did my post-grad/ professional qualifications and have a career as a professional - none of that ever stopped other mums treating me as "other" even though the only difference was my age.

none of us want early parenthood for our own children. That to me suggests that we might not be quiiiiite as right on as this thread suggests.

Yep. Interesting to see that some of those saying they don't judge don't have kids themselves, so they're thinking of being that age themselves and what it'd be like.
When you have a 13 year old with a few 14 years old in his class, you DO think to think of any of them getting pregnant.
They're little kids. Regardless of what any adult can remember from being that age, as we all no doubt thought we were grown up when we were still children.

EnglishRose not trying to start an argument, I am just interested to see know you would react to a person like that with the opinions you hold. I am very chilled thanks and my username is a play on words, not more to it, promise

When it gets into 13/14 year olds getting pregnant I still don't judge them, I judge their parents and mainly expect there to be some kind of abuse going on at home

Nope. Wouldn't judge. Who am I to know the background and why should I? Nowt to do with me.

none of us want early parenthood for our own children. That to me suggests that we might not be quiiiiite as right on as this thread suggests

I would judge the parents of a teen mum, not the girl herself. So if my [theoretical] daughter got pregnant as a teenager, I'd have to judge myself. It would be my failure, after all.

No I wouldn't judge
Another one here who was early 20s (and looked just about 20 ) I was the youngest at most the baby /toddler groups I went to and in one I did feel looked down on

I wouldn't judge - quite a few of my friends, who are now in their forties, had children in their late teens, and they've been great parents with lovely, highly successful children.
But not judging isn't the same as wanting to be friends. in most areas of life, it is generally considered fairly inappropriate for an adult in their mid thirties to socialise with a school-age child, and that doesn't really change if the child becomes a mother.

There is a difference between not judging though and wanting your dc to not be young parents because of what they may potentially miss out on having to grow up so quickly

No I wouldn't judge. I'd be friendly and chatty but I don't think I'd make a major effort to be her "friend". Only because you gravitate towards people that are roughly the same age as you as you feel you have more in common with them.

BitchPeas

Ok. The language/ tone of your question is quite 'emotive'
'If you met a 40 year old at work who was your senior'
Well number 1 I don't work. If I was in that situation I would respect the person for being successful but I'd honestly internally wonder why they chose to have a child so young?!
Where I come from it's just not the done thing and you'd be really looked down on. If you get pregnant young, you go get an abortion quick and in secret. Which btw I did myself back many years ago so I speak from experience!!!
Just being honest.

Marmite I'm sure my DM does blame herself and I've spent the last 5 years trying to convince her that it wasn't her fault at all!
I chose to have sex, I chose to keep my son. My parents were not aware I was either sexually active or pregnant (nor was I) for a long time.
That's not because I couldn't speak to them but because quite frankly why the hell would I want to tell my mum that I was shagging my boyfriend after school before she got in from work?
I don't think blaming parents is fair at all. My parents had absolutely nothing to do with my (in your opinion - poor) life choices.
I would judge parents that choose not to support their teenager through pregnancy/becoming a dad as I think that reflects on them a lot worse.

No, I wouldn't. Most teenage parents go on to live very normal, productive lives.

I can think of far worse things that can happen, personally I'd rather my child rock up with a baby on the way than a drug addiction or some such.

Yes. I would, and do, judge teenage mothers.

WanderingTrolley may I ask why? Would this stop you from speaking to them at a group?

I volunteer in a charity shop and some of the people I work with are in their late 70s. I'm polite and chat to them about what they've been up to, and they ask after my children. But I wouldn't be expecting to be best buddies with any of them - we're from a totally differetn generation.

A fair few of my friends had babies young, so their children were 8-11 when I met them. Worked out quite well for them eventually, building up a career a bit later and not having to worry about when to have kids. My neighbour was 15 and had a baby a few years before I did and has been a great hard-working mother (with a lot of parental support), finished education and all.

When I was younger I would have wondered why on earth someone would stay pregnant if they got pregnant unexpectedly, and would have been judgemental at anyone trying to get pregnant without being in a stable situation, but nowadays I'm more open-minded and got on quite well with some young more-energetic mothers when we had kids the same age. SIL is 15 years younger than me but we had babies 4 months apart, so she was an expert to me - so it made me furious when she got patronised by HCPs or other parents, and equally when people expected me to be perfectly sorted and not offer support that she got.

We had a very young girl in our nct group who'd come along and announce she couldn't stay long as there was somebody "after her" we presumed to beat her up and one day this person arrived to indeed beat her up, at an nct playgroup.
We judged.

My friend at sixth form had a baby. She went in to marry the dad, and do medicine. She's now a consultant. I wonder if english would have steered clear or push her daughter towards her?

What I judge is people who aim to push their children to play with and be amongst what they consider successful families. I've had my children singled out for this treatment and it does seem that they are only interested in what the relationship can do for them, rather than friendship for its own sake.

In our coffee circle we had a older mum, and a young teenage mum. We all got on and spent many enjoyable times Together.
My adult DD is friends with some of my friends, independently.

I am puzzled how some people can only make friends with with people of their own age. I'd happily chat to a 70 year old or a twenty year old.

The aspirations debate is an interesting one. Do young girls become teenage mums because they lack aspirations; do they suddenly lose their aspirations when they get pregnant or is it the attitudes of society around them that convinces them they shouldn't have aspirations?

People are always very surprised to find out I continued with my degree through pregnancy and having a newborn, and even more surprised to find out I graduated on time, at the top of my class, but from my experience it's nothing unusual - I certainly don't think I did anything special, save for working hard and having plenty of extra study time when I was doing night feeds and my classmates were out drinking. In the student parent society at my university, there were plenty of us with similar experiences, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary - but if you speak to someone outside of that university bubble, they're amazed that you weren't sitting on the sofa doing nothing and claiming benefits before the pregnancy test had even dried.

It's an assumption that really damages the confidence of young mums, especially younger teenage mums, and it's one that we're trying to challenge. Given the right opportunities and encouragement, young mums have as much chance of thriving as anyone else, it just relies on people looking past their stereotypes and assumptions.

I do think on a serious note though for every teenage mum who goes on to be a consultant there must be hundreds who don't fulfill their potential. My cousin had a baby at 17 and finally at 25 got a job in a care home where she's had lots of opportunities to get qualified and better her position.... she hasn't and her own daughter went on to have a baby at 18.

We had a very young girl in our nct group who'd come along and announce she couldn't stay long as there was somebody "after her" we presumed to beat her up and one day this person arrived to indeed beat her up, at an nct playgroup.
We judged

Hopefully the rest of that sentence is "we judged the arsehole who came to beat up a pregnant woman"

SaorAlbaGuBrath the whole situation.... not your usual Tuesday morning in the church hall is it ?

She wasn't pregnant at the time not that that makes any of it any better