Honestly do you judge teen mothers?

[Willialwaysbelookeddownon]

I had my first son a month before I turned 17, and despite really trying at mum and baby groups I was always shut out of conversations and never taken seriously. I was lucky that I wasn't dropped by any of my friends but they never had children of their own and I was quite often isolated.
I am now engaged, pursued the career I wanted and have another DS.
A girl on our road is pregnant at 16 and my heart very much goes out to her. She's seem so very lonely.
So my question is, do you judge young mums? Would you be less inclined to speak to a mum at a mother/baby group because they were say 16?

I'd never judge anyone based on their age! But having myself only become a mum in my mid 30s due to infertility issues I wouldn't have particularly sought out teen mums in playgroups etc. Although I did make friends with a number of young nannies (several of which I ended up employing in my business) so no reason why I couldn't also have developed a relationship with very young mums if the opportunity had arisen.

SaorAlbaGuBrath for all I know she could have been the local drug dealer, we could speculate all day long

Nah, I'd rather go about my day not judging people in shit situations.

Marmite I have wonderful, loving, professional parents. I was at a very good school, was viewed as responsible and sensible (I was, most of the time...) but got pregnant as a teenager. My parents had nothing to do with that. They'd had the sex chat, ensured I knew how to access contraception if I needed to, warned me of consequences but this honestly was nothing to do with them. Do you know what they did have something to do with, though? The fact that they never once made me feel judged, or that I had let them down or that they felt I was a poor reflection of them. They supported us, guided us and are the reason that what others described as a disgrace (our son) grew up to be the fabulous young man, and older brother, that he is. I still got excellent A levels and my husband was able to pursue his career too. Parents cannot always be held accountable for the actions of their children but mine were wonderfully supportive when my actions did not match their expectations.

thebakerwithboobs

No offense but if parenting has nothing to do with teen pregnancy then why is it so correlated with class, education and income? Realistically, parenting must have some role in teen pregnancy.

The reality is that I would be polite but also not want to socialize with women half my age. I'm not 18 and I'm not interested in really talking to 18 year olds.

Another huge reason I would avoid is that I want my children to have aspirations that match mine. I, for example, wouldn't want my daughters to have six children so I feel like I wouldn't want someone around them normalizing that lifestyle to them. Same with teen mums. I feel like surrounding them with teen mums makes them more likely to be teen mums. And since the children of teen mums are more likely to have children young themselves, I don't really want my children's best friends to have children at 16 and then be normalizing that behavior either.

Basically, it sounds harsh but what's the point in investing in your child, getting them a great education and working hard to provide a great loving environment for them if their best friend is encouraging them to have a baby?

Of course parenting is a huge factor. I'm pretty sure girls of all social class backgrounds have unplanned pregnancies, but very generally, it will be those from poorer backgrounds who choose not to terminate. There's always the myth/common knowledge that the local posh girls school has 'the highest abortion rate in town' or whatever, because aspirational parents are more likely to support /promote their young daughters terminations.

People definitely do, I was far off a teen mother, I was just turned 23 when I had DD but that didn't stop a lot of judgment I received from strangers as I probably looked around 19.

They say that the "secrets" to preventing teen pregnancy (also criminal behaviour or drug abuse) are

Aspiration (when kids have better plans)
&
Self-esteem (when they know they deserve a good life)

Maybe difficult to achieve in some cases, but not complex.

My mom & both grandmothers were all pg at 17. 2 of my teen friends were teen moms (15 & 17). No judgement from me :).

Yes, girls from all backgrounds have unplanned pregnancies, but middle class parents are far more likely to persuade their daughters to terminate an unplanned pregnancy - and that may well have been a script rehearsed throughout their teens (pointing out examples of neighbours, friends etc). It's almost a given that mc children will complete their education before having a baby.

Apple you need a reality check. Thank god none of my friends parents shunned me or forced my friends to terminate friendships with me when I found out I was pregnant. My friends were a huge support to me and a lot of their parents were too.
You sound very close minded.
Pregnancy isn't catching and perhaps your teenage daughter having a friend with a baby at 16 might show her how difficult it is, and that it's not a bed of roses, something that even mums in their 30s/40s often don't realise until they are a parent, rather than her growing up with an unrealistic expectation which clearly you are raising her with.

The reality is that I would be polite but also not want to socialize with women half my age. I'm not 18 and I'm not interested in really talking to 18 year olds.

If an 18 year old came on here and said that about 45 year olds they would get flamed.

You know 18 is an adult, right?

I'm 23, and I have a close friend in her 30s with 3 kids, and another in her 50s. I also used to work with some 16/17 year olds that I really got on with and would socialise with at work stuff (obviously couldn't go on nights out with them!)

Writing people off automatically because of their age is very odd.

I wouldn't judge a teen mum, I equally don't really think I would overly consider a 18/19 year old as a 'teen mum' although of course they are. I would feel sympathy for them, especially at 14/15 but I would also think these mums would maybe need the most support and advice from those around them.

As someone upthread said, I don't know why you think a teen wouldn't want to talk to a late twenties plus person at a mother and baby group. Surely at work you have large age ranges, we all just bundle in together. I'm not sure I overly notice age, it's the personality of a person that matters.

Well said Rose

Willialwaysbelookeddownon

The problem is that the desire to justify your own decisions is always really high. A pregnant best friend might be encouraging her friend to get pregnant so their kids could be best friends. Or saying (like people on this thread) that they are glad that they got pregnant young because they have more energy. I don't want my kids to hear that.

A best friend who actually copes really well with their baby (as many do) might encourage a child to get pregnant. for e.g. the way that fake baby dolls actually were found to encourage teen pregnancy because the teen girls felt they could cope with them and enjoyed the increased attention they received.

www.nhs.uk/news/2016/08August/Pages/Baby-doll-simulators-may-actually-increase-teen-pregnancy-rates.aspx

Having a friend with a baby who "succeeds" proves that having a baby young is a great idea so my child may do it. I definitely don't want that.

No I wouldn't judge. Statistically, babies of teen/young mothers are healthier so I don't get why women wait until mid 40's nowadays.

Apple what is your cut off for 'young'? When does a mum stop being a 'young mum' and just become a mum?

I can't see it encouraging pregnancy tbh, my cousin and I were 6 months apart in age and she had a teen pregnancy and I didn't because all I saw was her stuck at home whilst I did as I pleased.

FizzBombBathTime

I know it's a bit weird to give an exact cut off for being a mum rather than young mum but in my heart, it's non teenage, so 20. A 20 year old with a child seems young to me but I wouldn't feel I should judge.

A teenager with a child and a school age child with a child (!) is just not something I want my kids to emulate.

apple you sound like you want validation of your own decisions. There are many ways to live a happy and fulfilled life. Your way might not be the best way for everyone.

Newbrummie

If "exposure" to teen mums makes people less likely to be them, then why are children of teen mums much more likely to be teenage mums themselves? These kids have seen close up how hard it is but still choose to do it?

I don't believe that normalizing something makes it less likely.

I had my first at 17. I am still with the father 18yrs later.

I am always kind to teen mums. In hindsight, I was treated dreadfully by other Mum's and healthcare professionals (bar one lovely health visitor who I always remember saying to me that I was a natural, and had took to it like a duck to water.)

This was in contrast to other comments such as 'Was it planned?', 'Getting pregnant at your age is slutty' and a rather cutting one from my midwife at the hospital who on my 20wk scan refused to tell me the sex stating ''It doesn't matter WHAT sex it is, you are to far along for an abortion now!'' (I never wanted an abortion. I wanted to decorate the nursery. Wish I had the confidence then to defend myself as it still infuriates me to this day)

For those posters confessing they DO judge. Stop it. A kind word never hurt anyone. I was judged terribly, and it bloody hurt. Not that it's relevant but Dp and I worked bloody hard, and gave our Dc1 all the love and care in the world. I had a mortgage by my 20th birthday and in all honesty sailed through the early years with an ease my older counterparts at toddler groups struggled with. I didn't then, nor now need any 'pity' as I was fine and dandy.

Why young parents get tarred with the same brush is beyond me. I often find my Dd's (who is now 16) friends parents who are in their 50's often showing questionable parenting skills. So parenting is pretty relative.

I think when you combine it with other factors though it makes it pretty unlikely. I can honestly say my girls won't be teenage mums because they are far too fond of their luxuries in life, selfish as teens should be and would get no encouragement from me. However remove those factors and just put them in that culture/environment yes I can see how it could happen.

I reckon the vast majority of teenagers play fast and loose with contraception at least once

No, I had it absolutely drummed in to me that getting pregnant young would be less than ideal (to put it mildly), despite the fact that my auntie had an accidental pregnancy at 17/18 and the world hadn't ended. There was no way I was taking any risks.

I probably would judge tbh, because I've never really met any teenage mums in real life, the people on the show "16 and pregnant" don't really give the best impressions!

ApplePaltrow - I totally agree with you. I definitely want my daughter hanging out with 'high achievers' and not seeing early pregnancy as normalised too. I think we sing from the same hymn sheet - see my earlier posts lol 😂 . Also - if I'm 35 why would I want to hang out with a 21 year old as we'd have nothing in common. I wouldn't be horrible to that person, nor would I be rude as that's not the type of person I am, I just would internally judge and wouldn't hang out with them.

Whilst some will buck the trend and go onto have good careers, the likelyhood is many won't. Schools can teach and teach girls to aim high but with parental factors, local role models etc some see children as the easy opt out of work or a way of hooking a man.

I'd not want mine pregnant in their teens, how would they support a child and themselves? They should be living life, having fun, working hard before finding their life partner and settling down.

Exposure to teen mums doesn't make them less likely to become one, most young mums children repeat the cycle, it just normalises it.