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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL and being obese TWO

252 replies

YellowBlinds · 24/01/2017 10:16

original thread

Hi, I know a few people didn't like the title before and I'm sorry for repeating it but I figured it would be the best marker, as its what I used before Confused. Honestly, no offence intended.

OP posts:
mya83 · 24/01/2017 20:07

Just placemarking so I can catch up on the thread later- will comment properly then

Bushymuffmum · 24/01/2017 20:12

Will "posting the cat" become the new "cancel the cheque"? grin

Did anyone else get a mental picture of MIL as Patrick Bateman from American Psycho trying to feed the cat into the cash machine?!![

PovertyJetset · 24/01/2017 20:14

I think DH is sendinng terribly mixed messages! And reinforcing the green light for those kind of antics.

What did FIL have to say?

You have the patience of a saint!

Doublemint · 24/01/2017 20:20

Hope you get caught up with all your work yellow.

Thanks for the update and new thread. I too am shocked that she hasn't apologised and has actually continued her behaviour! And verbally abused you again! Thank goodness your DH was there to witness.

I hope his pub powwow with his dad is productive, he probably needs to talk it through with his dad. It must be so shocking to see his mum being like this towards the woman he loves.

I hope he doesn't waver, I don't think he will somehow.

rollonthesummer · 24/01/2017 20:24

Why does your DH go round there and not talk about what she's been doing??

RiversrunWoodville · 24/01/2017 22:23

Gaaa yellow just caught up! I think you have been amazingly reasonable. Good luck with your product launch (hopefully you will get peace from her to complete) but once it is done you, DH and FIL need to sit down together and work out a way forward.
Brew to keep you going

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 24/01/2017 22:40

God luck with work but I do agree with pp, your dh is going to have to be a bit more proactive about this.

mummyofmoomoos · 24/01/2017 23:11

Im so happy you are back yellowblinds , i found your thread whilst sleeplessly watching over my hospitalised Ds, needing distraction, giggled massively with fond simalar memories of my now deceased Mil - bless her heart- she was hard work Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/01/2017 04:35

Thanks for the explanation Quim. It makes sense with this type of crazy. I've done it with my mother as well. As she doesn't live near me < phew> I didn't see the analogy.

PovertyPain · 25/01/2017 04:56

If she went quiet when your DH appeared I think a camera, even a fake one, could be your answer, OP. She's not going to want her son watching her behave like that on video. Put up a sticker saying cctv in operation.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/01/2017 06:10

Sorry you are snowed under at work

I'm glad dh has seen and heard what mil is like but I'm also saddened that he didn't pull her up on her behaviour when he saw her

It's like he is ignoring her behaviour head in sand

Again all 4 need to discuss this so that everyone knows where they stand. So you dh mil and fil

Make it clear mil can't come round weekdays at all 8-6 as you are working or you will be moving further away

If she needs anything she texts you and you can reply as and when if important tho be warned about texts saying I've fallen over ......

Or no contact and she texts dh and fil

Dh is ignoring what his mil does so giving her the wrong signals

Iamastonished · 25/01/2017 07:29

Waiting for the latest update

Jaynebxl · 25/01/2017 07:51

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time with work as well as with MIL. Hope you get a rest after all this. Maybe MIL and FIL could splash out and buy you both a holiday to make up for it!

MetalMidget · 25/01/2017 08:41

She definitely sounds like she's got mental health issues. Her obsessive and unreasonable behaviour reminds me of my own mother during one of her psychotic breaks/nervous breakdowns (she's had three). She'd be able to function 'normally', but would be utterly, utterly unhinged towards certain people.

With the third one, my dad couldn't bring himself to have her sectioned again, and tried to ride it out. She ended up harassing one of his employees, as she'd convinced herself that he was trying to steal the family business and our house - abusive phonecalls, banging on their door and driving past/sitting outside their house, etc... then she'd go into work the next day and act as if nothing had happened. My dad stuck his head in the sand a bit - he'd try to talk to her, she'd start screaming at him, he'd leave the house hoping that she'd calm down. She'd make more phone calls instead - the one time I was left to deal with the police, because she refused to talk to them. :(

She eventually got slightly better - her behaviour hasn't been as extreme, but she still suffers from mh issues, which causes problems with my husband and my brother's wife. My brother and I have grown up with it, so we tend to get really annoyed if she does something offensive, but shrug it off fairly quickly as 'that's just what she's like'. Our spouses are understandably less understanding!

But yes, OP, your MIL sounds like she's gone from garden variety manipulative and demanding to full on mentally ill (especially when trying to justify to the neighbour that being locked out of your house was unfair).

LeninaCrowne · 25/01/2017 09:20

I think its telling that she can turn her bad behaviour on and off and its only the OP bearing the brunt of it at the moment.

For a start, the FIL needs to step up.

Caenea · 25/01/2017 09:32

Are you OK today @Yellow? I've been following the thread but I have to say I've been gobsmacked at the rapid escalation! She's obviously very hard work - I agree with some PP's saying possible mental illness BUT I also think at least 90% of this is just that she has literally never been told that her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. If a toddler were doing this, everyone would be losing their shit.

Honestly OP, if you and your DH (and FIL, if he can be persuaded that this is a situation that must be dealt with) stand up to her now, you will probably have a much simpler life - if only because her getting a strop on will be a permanent strop on.

thinkimcrazy · 25/01/2017 11:13

Just catching up and I really hope she things get better now that your dh caught her out.
Sending lots of love xx

MamaHanji · 25/01/2017 13:01

I've read the whole thread and I know you've said that you're sure it's not a mental health issue, and I know that a couple of people have mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder. As someone with BPD, her behaviour sounds an awful lot like what I could be like when I was very mentally unwell about 4-5 years ago. It's really common for someone with BPD to be very manipulative and to have this absolute sense of entitlement to whatever they wish! I remember thinking that what I wanted was absolute paramount and it didn't matter what I did or who I hurt to get it. I didn't feel shame about my behaviour then because in my eyes, I wasn't doing anything wrong. Don't get me wrong, that was only at my worst. And I was completely able to me 'normal' at times as well. I'm now able to see my thought process and moral compass in some sense is different and work around it to what I know is ok. But on a bad day, all bets are off.

It's very hard to get a BPD diagnosis and even if you do, you're only offered intense Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

I'm not excusing her behaviour because it is bloody awful! Just offering a possible reason. Doesn't help though! You have the patience of a saint!

fj3568 · 25/01/2017 13:20

OMG - following with interest- I have a much lesser version with my MIL and it's incredibly oppressive. She lives a short plane ride away (luckily) and calls constantly - 10 times sat morning at 9am until DP got up to answer phone and was v huffy about the delay- still calls Friday nights when asked not to as DP goes out and I'm always wrecked and go to bed straight after dinner, rang 12 times mon night when dp was in phone to his dsis then hung up on him last night when he asked her why and tried to explain that it's vexing. Series of pissed off texts since last night because she was asked to stop calling dp's son who he's trying to work through some issues with. Ds has been driven mad by calls and has been nc with MIL who tricked him into speaking by calling from another number. She constantly calls me too to talk about it all. At the moment she's "hurt"that she's been asked to leave it to DP and his DS to resolve their issues - she really doesn't help by blaming everything on his mother -he's almost 30 now. God knows what she'd be like if she lived near us. Seems to have a compulsive disorder about the phone. Pure sympathy yellow this is bad enough

TiredAndRavenous · 25/01/2017 15:13

Never known a post to go so long without the op commenting in so long lol x

notuniqueenough · 25/01/2017 15:18

But op has told us she is working from 7am until midnight with work as well as dealing with all this shit. Can't expect a constant update

EweAreHere · 25/01/2017 16:31

So she can control herself when she wants to, as evidenced as her reining herself in rapidly when she realized her son (your DH) was there to hear/see her.

Nothing wrong with her. She just wants her own way. And possibly break up your marriage ... because it was your word against hers in her mind. Honestly, do people not think that's what video is for?

PickAChew · 25/01/2017 18:22

Some people are verging on hammering impatiently on the op's door, here.

madcatwoman61 · 25/01/2017 18:38

PickAChew what I was thinking!

YellowBlinds · 25/01/2017 19:10

Hi, I'm really sorry - I haven't been able to read many of the replies yet, but I can see there are a lot.

I did notice a few people asking why DH has not addressed the issue with MIL yet.

He is actually over there now, to go and take her to dinner having set a specific time with her over the weekend to go over to discuss the past few weeks.

The reason he didn't discuss it with her during the visit in the weekend is because he/we want to set crystal clear boundaries and... for want of a better way of describing it... to set an example?
So if we go marching over there, accusing her of X,Y,Z - no matter how reasonable we think we are speaking - she is going to view it as an attack and that we're coming over to her house to harass her.
Obviously the whole point of the matter is to NOT go around to people's houses to harass them.
Also, there was an element of "reward" about going over on Saturday - there was no drama on Saturday, and DH went over later in the day and had a nice hour or so chat with her, very comfortable and friendly.
When she came over, uninvited, on the Sunday and got shitty with me for not having her in for a coffee (I was heading out) DH appeared and was stern bordering on cross.
It sounds like we're treating her like a complete child and there is an element of that but it is more complex.
I'm so stressed out I can barely form a coherent sentence at the moment so I'm apologise if not a lot of that made sense, and for not elaborating more or explaining the way we approached it better.

OP posts:
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