MIL and being obese TWO

[YellowBlinds]

original thread

Hi, I know a few people didn't like the title before and I'm sorry for repeating it but I figured it would be the best marker, as its what I used before . Honestly, no offence intended.

You're doing great yellow, KBO.

I think you are both handling this really well & yes it is just like dealing with a gigantic child I hope to god it works

Fair enough yellow, good reasoning behind why he had a pleasant chat with her, though it's not the choice I made with my highly similar close relative.

Hope your work is going well and take it as easy as you can, hard as that is! Build a bit of time in just for yourself, a bath or something.

I am in awe of your patience!

yellow you don't have to explain yourself, you came here for advice and hopefully it helped you with this situation but the last thing you need is to be stressing out about updating the thread. By the sounds of it what you and your dh are doing sounds like the best way to tackle her. I really hope it works.

Fingers crossed for DHs chat goes well.

Yellow hope work calms down a bit but at least you have more than a valid excuse for not answering the door!

Jesus Yellow, you are both doing so well.

It's no surprise you're stressed- are you managing to get any more work done with her out of the way?

I understand it may be more complex than it appears on here and I agree you don't owe anyone an explanation.

I just can't help thinking that she called you a bitch, she banged and shouted on your door when you were on your own and trying to work, she tried to force her way in, she was incredibly rude to you, a neighbour had to intervene and you had to go out to try and get away from her. If this had happened to me my DH would be very angry and would insist that she at the very least apologise to me before any normal chats or visits took place. How would your DH react if anyone else had done this to you?
I don't want to make you feel worse and I could be way off beam but it seems to me likely that your FIL and DH have appeased her and put up with her behaviour for so long they are unable to do anything else. The problem is that you are going to continue to suffer as a result. Assuming she isn't ill in my experience you have to impose very very clear boundaries with people like this and going for a normal visit after this kind of incident is not a clear boundary- it's an acceptance of her behaviour.

I do wonder if actually your DH has put up with a milder version of this behaviour for a long time, unless there's onset of a sudden illness

What an excellent post Doowappydoo.

That's a very good point, Doowap

I cannot believe your DH went round for a normal visit, not addressing the last week's behaviour. He is just as guilty as FIL, and he is an enabler too. What he has done there, perhaps without realising is reaffirmed that she can behave this way towards you and ultimately it changes nothing between her and her precious son. He has basically told her that it's ok to call you a bitch and knock down your door, as long as he isn't there to witness it. Both DH and FIL need to grow a pair, sorry OP.

I hope you manage to sort all of this out and you need to move, no question.

Oh wait, he was there to witness it, and still did nothing

Doowappy, further to the excellent post by QuimReaper above what the OP has described is the softly softly approach to making a real attempt at rectifying the situation without inflaming it and the best person to do this is her DH as the OP is the enemy in the mind of MIL

It's extremely easy for us to throw stones at DH for not being assertive enough/laying down the law/etc but this is his mother. The guy must be bereft at this situation - and the knowledge it's all coming from the person who claims to love him the most must cut him up.

I've said it before and I'll say it again; I think her DH is doing all he can in an extreme situation. It is the MIL who's putting it all on the OP.

So sorry to hear she is still doing this - and another one who feels that your DH should be doing a bit more to support and defend you.

My DM can be very difficult so my DH has little to do with her (which I support). I choose to continue to engage with her but I don't expect him to have to do so, if he doesn't want to. There was one time where she massively stepped over the line and accused DH of doing something - which was not only untrue but incredibly hurtful. I pulled her up on it and made it clear there would be no contact from me until she apologised. It took her almost 3 months but she knows now that having a pop at me is one thing, but DH is absolutely off-limits because I won't hesitate to go NC again if necessary. Consequently DH continues to support me when I am struggling with her, because he knows that I will always stand up and put him first if needed.

Well done, it sounds like your DH is trying hard to support you and get his Mother to see some sense, but knows that it will have to be a softly softly approach to sorting it.

I did not see OP's last post, just read it now, i did check but must have skimmed past.

Well i really hope your methods work and that DH stands firm as he intends on getting these boundaries back.

FX

Agree with Doowappy- your DH is trying to appease MIL. I can't imagine wanting any kind of relationship with anyone who called my spouse a bitch (or any word with equivalent derogatory intent) unless they'd made very significant efforts to change their behaviour.

Nobody should be rewarded for going one day without being abusive and behaving in a disturbing and deranged manner.

Your DH ought be be angry about his mother's treatment of you. he doesn't need to demonstrate that anger to her, but he does need to cut contact until she starts behaving in an acceptable manner.

I think the problem with not tackling her right away is akin to a misbehaving child. You must address the behaviour right away. You don't say "Oh, I will not address this incident, take you for ice cream later, and we'll talk about your misbehaviour in a day or two".

I understand 'lead by example' but in the case of your MiL it just won't work.

It sounds like you are enacting a plan you have agreed on Yello. Good for you.

Stick to your guns and stay strong. It is an abominable situation and you don't "owe" us updates.

Across , to me it seems that OP and her DH are addressing this the right way, their reasoning seems pretty sound to me, and this needs taking step by step, especially considering how near they live to her.

There has to be a consequence when she harasses or insults you.
Not running round making a scene, but withdrawing contact temporarily, to teach her that pushing your boundaries leads to the opposite of what she wants.
If there isn't a clear negative consequence to her harassing you, she will do it again.
She might seem to agree with what your dh says when they have their scheduled chat - she might even believe what she is saying herself at the time - but if she knows there is no negative consequence to her harassing you, next time she feels the need to do this she will go ahead.

Possibly Silvery. But my concern is that by not telling her off right away and by 'rewarding' her with visits by DH it reinforces to her that what she is doing is not truly unreasonable, even if it is addressed at a later date.

But I must admit that I don't have a lot of personal experience with Narc personalities. What I've seen has been second hand.

I'm in agreement with Doowap and Inertia. MiL needs to be come down on hard by DH.

It will be interesting to hear what info dh comes home with.. will Mil blame an outside influence, Yellow or illness? No way will she just put up her hands to being temporarily at least, batshit crazy. Op you said dh prefers to process emotions internally so I hope he can talk through this with you. All the best with your work for when you've finished!

Excalty what I said. Dh is being an ostrich

He didn't tell his mum to stop being rude to you or mention it when he went Round

I still say the 4 of you need to sit down and make clear rules and guidelines about Mil behaviour