Paying for the stepchildren

[StepMum2Be]

Hey i'm new so please forgive any faux pas! I'm not a mum biologically but i'm about to inherit two teenage step children. I appreciate this may not be the right place to voice these concerns but i'm willing to try it. The children aged nearly 13 and 17 have very few manners and with the great insight (bit of sarcasm there) of a non-mother I relate this to my own childhood and how my mother beat manners into me. My OH is a total Disney Father, he will not hear a word of criticism about his children and is hostile if I dare to bring up anything that he doesn't agree with. So here goes, i'm a good earner, I earn equal to OH and we split our household bills 50/50. We like to eat our regularly and work long hours. As we have the little darlings every other weekend we tend to eat out with them also. I'm always expected to pay 50% of the bill and it's starting to grate a little. AIBU?? Should he pay a larger percentage? Thanks for listening and I hope to hear your views.

I am the bio mother of a 14 and 16 year old who's dad has recently moved in with his new partner who doesn't have children. They had only met her twice before staying over, on this occasion she was overheard saying my DD was "rude and had no manners," no one else thinks this. They now hate her and only tolerate her as they want to see their dad. i would think long and hard about your relationship as they are in your DP life forever and it sounds like you have zero understanding of teenagers and the emotions they are going through.

I pay for 17yo dd when we go out for meals, days out and birthday/ Christmas presents etc. But then I've been with dh for 14 years and I'm the higher earner in our relationship. I treat her as I do my own 2 dc. I love her, not as one of my own children, but in her own right. I do think it's harder when relationships are formed when dc are older. But if you're serious about being with a partner for the rest of your life then you have to be prepared to put in the hard graft, including the finances, sometimes.

'Once you hit teenage, the newly arriving step parent is not a 'parent' but a 'parent's partner' in the eyes of most teens. The relationship will tend to be very different. The natural level of closeness is far less, and time with only the parent without the step there feels very natural. Any attempt to get close and act like a parent/impose rules/dictate behaviour is likely to be resented by the teenager as an inappropriate intrusion. TBH, they feel that way about their bio parents too, but are given less choice with regards to that. '

Definitely this !! The only rule I ever imposed (I became step monster at the teenage years) was to the full time step child and that was only keep the bedroom mouldy food free and put your washing in the machine if you want it washed. That was it. No rules on manners/behaviours, I find if your reasonable with them, even throw in a compliment/encouragement then you'll get something reasonable back.
Teenage years are bad enough as it is (remember when you were one). I'm a few years down the line from you OP and if you can't change your attitude towards them your going to be filled with resentment and with an unrepairable relationship with your step kids. They are ALWAYS going to be there.

cross your fingers he only sees them once a month

Read this post twice and hoping it's sarcastic if so I agree with it.

TBH, bringing up the money thing seems a bit petty. EOW, paying for the meal of one child on top of your own doesn't seem like it would be a huge hardship. You have said you earn a good salary, so unless you're dining at The Ivy EOW, I'm guessing you're only talking about an extra £20-£30 a month at most. If it does bother you, just mention it to your OH. I'm sure he would just suck up the extra himself. There's going to be lots of times during your relationship with his DCs that you are going to have to speak up, so start how you mean to go on OP.

Frankly you sound like an absolute rotter. If a man posted what you did .....quibbling about paying get first half the meal, saying you don't need to love them and all that.....he would be absolutely slaughtered.
Do them all a favour and leave. If your partner has kids....yes....even teenage ones....you have step kids.....and if you are taking on step kids you should treat them as your own. As a step parent you can either be a hero or a cunt....there's no half measure really.....and you are not on the road to being the former with the way you talk about those poor kids.

an absolute rotter

My new insult.

laidbackMummy

What a bloody grim set up that sounds. Poor children.

I call my ds 'a little darling' when he is being horrible, and have done for years. I love him, but not his behaviour at times, and at 21, he knows exactly what I mean when he is referred to like that.

If the OP hasn't had much to do with kids before now, her reactions are understandable. She doesn't have to love them, just be kind to them. I don't love my stepmother, and haven't spoken to her since my Grandmother's funeral in 2006. She was inflicted on me when I was 24, and I didn't see any reason to maintain any sort of relationship with her after my Dad died, and tried to avoid having anything to do with her when he was alive. She had about as much time for me, but that was because she knew I knew the extent to which she had backstabbed my Mum.

I would think long and hard OP. It's bad enough with teens when they are your own, or when you work with them, but can wave goodbye at the end of the school day.

I have a few questions. Does their dad do half the children's washing and ironing and half of their food preparation? And what is their mum saying to them to influence their behaviour toward their prospective step-mother. Perhaps they aren't very nice children. Horrible ones do exist except in Mumsnet land.

What a shame you are marrying a man who thinks his dc don't need basic social skills!

How charming they must be!

How socially stunted he and the ex must be if they don't realise they are setting up their dc to be socially inept/obnoxious?

The fact he doesn't allow you to mention it to them speaks volumes, doesn't it?

You can't be yourself around them and that alone is a false, awkward position to be forced into.

I would get these issues out with him if I were you op, before the nuptials. You could say you won't be putting a penny towards their meals unless you are happy with their behaviour, see how well that goes down!

I would also revisit the joint account thing and ask him to pay in enough for the 3 and see how well that goes down.

Basically, op get all your niggles and issues out in the open before the nuptials.

I can guarantee you won't want to go through with it once you realise a big reason he'll be marrying you is to offload the domestics, get another person to help put his dc through university, pay for driving lessons, get their foot on the housing ladder, holidays, gadgets, clothes, you name it!

Op you don't seem too keen on forking out for the odd meal for them nor do you seem too keen on thinking it through in the long term.

Oh dear op! You don't even like them much and I can guarantee that dc are pretty intuitive and probably don't like you very much either!

So as you seem set on marrying this man and inheriting his dc which then become yours too why not turn over a new leaf and up your game?

Offer them unconditional love, support, domestic help and finances and I'm sure you will be fine x

IMHO if paying part of a meal is already niggling, what will it be like when there are uni fees/marriages/other you are still supposed to pay half ? but not allowed to ask them for the minimum of manners........
If nothing else, this needs to be discussed & agreed on now

I'm a stepmum (no bio children) and I inherited mine aged 13 and 15. Plus, we were only 3 months into a relationship when DH decided to propose & I moved in! So, I think I can offer some experience here.

1. You may change how you feel about the money aspect with time, and be happy to pay for the children you end up loving.... or you may not. Decide now if money is more important to you than family harmony. Personally, we've gone through years when DH has earned more, and years when I have earned more, and we have just pooled our resources.

1. You need to decide how to handle his lack of parenting. My DH was a disciplinarian and so my ride was perhaps easier, but we clashed at first about house rules. In the end, WE agreed them and then he relayed them. Don't treat your SC like lodgers, this is their home as well, so they need to 'buy in' to the house atmosphere, as do you. They are probably scared of the situation, and possibly of you.

My own SC alternated between trying hard and being disruptive, and it took about a year - if I'm honest maybe more - before we settled into an agreeable pattern. 17 years on and my stepson still visits us every other weekend, I can't bloody get rid of him (I love him to death!), and I'm in the middle of planning (her request) and paying for (my honour) my stepdaughter's wedding.

Things can get better if you want them to. Good luck to you all.

In an ideal world we would all like / love our stepchildren but the world isn't like that.

There are nice kids and not nice kids - just as with adults.

I have an incredibly lovely SD and a rude and spiteful SD. They get treated the same but I don't like the nasty one. She's told when her behaviour is out of order.

OP - you need your DP onside with all of this or it will be a nightmare for you.

If you think you could be happy without him I'd leave TBH.

The trouble is, and I'm potentially heading into this situation as ex has got himself into a relationship with a woman with three older kids and two of mine are younger and she doesn't seem to like them, the kids didn't ask for this shit in their lives.
I'm not saying nobody should date until the kids are older but they really should be coming first in their parents lives

I think the idea that biological parents are likely to be 'good' and step-parents likely to be 'bad' has so many exceptions, that it's certainly not a rule.

My own father was violent and abusive and my mother was more committed to her ideas about staying in her marriage than to looking out for our welfare.

I'd have swapped him for a reasonably well-intentioned and non-violent stepfather at the drop of a hat.

I am not a step parent however I have had a couple of close family members/friends in a similar situation.

SIL met her now DH when her SD was 11, she lives with her mum and was extremely spoilt, rude and had no boundaries at home (mum worked so she was at home alone a lot so did as she pleased). This caused huge issues in the relationship with her partner and got worse in the teenage years, she was absolutely vile to SIL and her DH did nothing, never stuck up for my SIL and basically allowed her behaviour just in case she didn't want to visit him anymore. He also would not go on big family holidays with SIL and her own DD if his DD wasn't there (she lived quite far away and sometimes had different school holidays) but his DD went on luxury holidays with her mum and SD regularly so my SIL's DD missed out lots.

We spoke to SIL and said that we would never put up with him not standing up for her and the holidays etc but she said at the end of the day he's a fantastic partner and that by the time she's 16/17 it will probably be better so she wasn't willing to give him up for the sake of a couple of difficult years.

I can see her point but I am not sure I could respect someone like that as a partner but each to their own she was right, things settled down from about the age of 16 and they got married just after that and her SD made the most beautiful speech about my SIL and that she was an amazing SM so it did work out for her. I admire her for being so strong actually, couldn't have been easy.

The one thing I would say is that throughout even the worst times she did not treat her SD any differently in spite of her feelings and they do have a great relationship. Shoe on the other foot and I could not be in a relationship with someone who didn't at least 'care for' my DCs.

The other thing I should have said is that if you are to marry someone with children I would expect your joint finances to include the children, I find it odd you want him to pay more towards them but then I can never understand non-joint finances if you live together/are married.

Everyone parents in different ways, I wouldn't criticise others for how they choose to do it.
However I find your reluctance to pay for the odd meal out for your stepchildren very strange. I too have no children but my partner has two, one self sufficient and one at Uni. I visited his daughters Uni town with my niece recently for a shopping trip and invited her to join the two of us for dinner. I willingly paid for her.
You don't "need" to love your step children but do you not feel anything for them more than you would your friends children?? I've been with my partner 2 years and his children have a special place in my heart that only the two of them can fill. They are not officially relations of mine, they are not the children of "friends". I feel lucky that they are in my life and that there's "something" there between the three of us

Well it seems odd to me.
My OH has 3 DC.
If we take them out he pays for it all!
He would never expect me to pay for his kids and he wouldn't expect me to pay for myself if he's paying for everyone else.

I don't feel I need to love them.

OK, fast forward 15 years, the step children are adults, in relationships/married. then they start having babies. Your OHs grandchildren. What are you going to do then? ignore them? Refuse to have them in the house? Arrange to go out when they come round?

you have chosen to live with and plan to marry a man with children, no matter how you feel about them they are not going to go away and will probably increase (see above!) you need to reflect on how you see the rest of your life with this man, either you share everything, including his children , or you cut yourself off from a huge chunk of his life and live with the distress and resentment to all involved that this will cause.

Or walk.

Viques, I haven't said at any point that I dislike them and want them to go away, or that I don't want them in the house. They annoy me slightly with their lack of manners and as they're not my children I don't feel the need to love them. I love their father enormously and they are a part of him but I don't have to love them. If they were babies when we'd met it may be a different story as I'd have grown with them, but one is almost an adult and the youngest almost 13. They have grown up without me around and i'm damn sure they don't love me either. I wouldn't expect them to. We provide a very stable and comfortable home where they are welcome anytime, I would just prefer a please and thank you every now and then.

The only real way to move forward as a blended family is just that - a family. Me and DH don't eat out as often as we once did because having two kids doubles the bill. Double your family, double the bill... that's just life. So inheriting the kids means inheriting their costs.

Right now you see it as unfair because they're not your kids. Perfectly reasonable. He's made that quite clear by disregarding your input.

However, that separation you have mentally that they are 'not your kids' will ultimately be the relationship's downfall. You are not permitted to comment on their behaviour or upbringing and will be permanently relegated to "dad's girlfriend", and frankly if he wants that level of separation then no you shouldn't be paying for them. If he wants you to accept them and pay for them, then you should be allowed to speak up.

I dislike the 'hostility' comment, seems like a red flag to me. Relationships shouldn't be hostile and this looks like it will be a source of hostility for plenty of time to come.

Honestly I've no idea how anyone does this. I genuinely don't think I could have much affection for Someone Else's Kids, and I don't feel any massive desire to foist mine on someone else either. So admittedly I come from a position of "no idea how it's done and I don't think I could do it." I think I'd rather just stay "dad's girlfriend", keep well out it and meet the man for dates and other boyfriendy stuff, but no moving in or marriage or anything. That would be quite ideal, actually...

Set the ground rules now before committing any further. Talk to your partner and say you don't feel comfortable paying for his children-- its clear that you resent it, because they show no appreciation which is fair enough. But you have to start how you mean to go on, you cannot have this arrangement and your partner thinking its all fine.

I sympathise with you but I think you under estimate the power/effect/importance his children will have in your relationship.

Your attitude towards them is very 'them' and 'us' so don't be surprised if they treat you the same.

I do appreciate the ops feelings on the manners and the gratitude... but surely loving the kids is par for the course? You can't opt out of loving children who share your home, even part time, surely?