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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have finally done it and left dh.

160 replies

HannahSmithson45 · 23/01/2017 15:04

Gone and left dh. The last have been hell, if you don't remember my previous posts, in short my stepchildren have bullied my son, my husband had booked a holiday without me and my son (later rectified). Yesterday my stepson violently punched and kicked my son. My son was punched in the face and kicked in the groin (you know where). This started over ds taking the tv show stepkids were watching off pause. I blame myself partly because I told ds last time to stick up for himself when they call him names. So ds called them names from there. I was upstairs at the time of the fight ( not really as ds never hit back). I came down and that was it I had a massive shout at the two stepchildren and left. I went straight to the police station as that is assault.

I am pregnant with dh child and I am so lost. I am not going back to that house so he can be punched and kicked physically and verbally. I made sure ds was okay as it can be serious getting a blow down there.
Dh is begging me to come back and I have said that it is me or the stepkids and that is it.

OP posts:
BaDumShh · 26/01/2017 19:59

It would be different if your DS and SCs normally got on well, and the attack was one isolated incident and completely out of character. But you have said before that the SCs have been emotionally bullying your son for months and making him feel unwelcome in his own home. This will not change any time soon without serious intervention and punishment from their dad. Saying sorry and buying a present doesn't undo the months of bullying and abuse.

It's all far too soon and I feel sorry for your DS. If I were him I'd be asking to live with your parents permanently right about now 😔

RogueStar01 · 26/01/2017 20:06

yes - the thing you really need to think about is that the DS has already had anger management therapy and then he did this vicious attack. So therapy has already failed once, which means he's in a repeating pattern where he still somehow thinks it's ok to launch these attacks. I would have no confidence right now that it wouldn't happen again. I agree too that the boundaries about not moaning about other people's partners are set - is this boyfriend a dubious person or do they just not like it? It's no different than young children playing separated parents off each other to get more toys.

RogueStar01 · 26/01/2017 20:07

i do say though hannah, you deserve full credit with following through with your ultimatum, i know when you're pg you really want everything to be ok and that happy blended family unit where it's all hearts and flowers is in your head (it would be in mine) but teens are a difficult kettle of fish.

Astoria7974 · 26/01/2017 20:13

He does need to accept that at 16/17 his kids are adults now and culpable for their bad behaviour - he should (quite rightly) tell them to stop or stop seeing them. Right now they're bullying your son. It won't be a big step for them to bully your unborn kid.

Foxysoxy01 · 26/01/2017 20:34

Do you think you should all start therapy first before you move back and go from there?

Mix56 · 26/01/2017 20:58

They don't like their mums boyfriend
Well they don't like you either......... I admit this is not easy, the explications re there parents divorce have been botched, (before your time) their father has been made to feel guilty & spoiled them ever since, their mother has never taken any responsibility for her part of it. She moves in a guy, the father moves you in, & the kids are massively hoping that all would go back to happy families.... & now playing up deliberately, they probably talk it over between them to try & screw up your relationship with P, & your poor DS is punching ball......What an easy target. They knew you would protect him & leave. What they weren't counting on was their parents not "rolling over" & realising that actually the solution was to get back together again .......
Maybe some one should get the balls to actually give them some home truths ?

flappynewyear · 26/01/2017 21:10

Bloody hell OP I remember your posts and I cannot believe you are even considering "family bonding sessions". Your ds has been beaten and bullied by these step children (who seem to have been through an awful lot) and your DH rather than addressing their needs wants to move you back in ASAP? Please for the sake of your ds do not do this. You are sending him a terrible message.

scottishdiem · 26/01/2017 21:16

"Shall I acceapt this as an offer. It will be if one single thing goes wrong then it will be a split."

FUCK NO.

Ahem

Because you have attached an ultimatum to it. If things do go bad again you would have to leave again and you'd be back to where you are right now. Or if you didnt you'd be telling the step kids its ok to be bad. Also, your son would be put at risk again because this isnt an isolated thing. You have just reached peak problem with the assault. Many many things need to be dealt with.

I would only agree to go back when you dont need the ultimatum. When its clear that things will be better. When its clear your son will not be at risk and your new baby is not at risk. Having an ultimatum is a clear sign that no-one is ready for you to be back there.

LisaMed1 · 26/01/2017 21:42

I have an awful feeling, and I can't think of any way to put this nicely, that if you go back you are giving tacit agreement for your son to be a punchbag. Because you came back afterwards so it must mean that a 'sorry' and a present will make it okay, and then your son can be a punchbag again.

I guess you can still date (though your son may resent you still being involved with people who abuse him), but I would keep them entirely away from your son.

hope it works out for you and your son

Original poster
HannahSmithson45 · 27/01/2017 10:10

I will move back next week, the stepkids are at mums permenantly they are not coming round. I have taken on board what you have said and I think that i will extend it 4 months to the end of their punishments. I will make sure that the punishment lasts. I will make sure my son is a priority and baby.

In regards to stepsons anger issues it is a rare occurrence, usually he has a much better relationship then my son has with stepdaughter. So even though he has previously said bad things and done a bad thing he has been less worse over time then stepdaughter.

I am trying to go very slow to make sure that their is no repeat. The core issue hasn't been tackled yet (your all right) the goal is to put that right. That is why we are starting concelling asap. Particularly the stepchildren.

There is no way on earth my son will ever be a verbal and physical punch bag again. It's not going to happen.

I have seen a genuine change with dh as well. Which may not come across on here but it certainly has been a change.

OP posts:
flappynewyear · 27/01/2017 11:11

There is no way on earth my son will ever be a verbal and physical punch bag again. It's not going to happen.

We will await your next thread then Hmm

I cannot imagine how this genuine change occurred in your DH overnight. I honestly cannot fathom why you are putting your needs before your ds'. He has repeatedly been a verbal and physical punchbag and you are going in for another round. Your dh is a massive part of the problem, he has enabled this behaviour. Both of you need to prioritize your own dc, who are clearly in need of help.

RogueStar01 · 27/01/2017 11:16

on balance op, you did leave him once, and i would only say that if you see any sign of any aggression you remove yourselves immediately, on the whole i trust you to do that because you have already done it once. I'm dubious but you're closest to it so if you really feel things are different, I hope you're right. I hope your DH sees that his children are complaining about both their parents new partners and obviously are just very angry overall - he shouldn't be pandering to them by letting them stay with you more. If the boyf of the Mum is some sort of proper threat, then he should warn the mum/have a tough conversation.

ChristmasFluff · 27/01/2017 11:27

I'm also concerned at the attitude that what should be a clear declaration of boundaries is being turned into 'lasting punishment'. What could be a clear personal boundary of 'I will not live with people who abuse my son, or people who condone that abuse' has become, 'it'll be ok, because the abusers are being punished, and re-introduced slowly'. It's not about punishment, it's about being boundaried and teaching your son to be boundaried by example.

ArmfulOfRoses · 27/01/2017 11:53

How does your son feel about it?

scottishdiem · 27/01/2017 11:59

I will move back next week

Oh dear.

I am trying to go very slow to make sure that their is no repeat.

If this is you going very slow I'd hate to see what you are like when moving fast.

There is no way on earth my son will ever be a verbal and physical punch bag again.

I applaud the sentiment but cannot reconcile your action to the sentiment.

I have seen a genuine change with dh as well.

Over a period of days though. Just days. I grant you, only you know what is happening on the ground as it were but its been days. Your husband, a pushover and enabler of his kids abuse of your son, has a set of behaviors established over years. These don't change in days. What happens in a couple of weeks when his kids get in touch, in tears, cause they hate it at their mums. What do you think will happen then? What will you do then?

I really hope is goes well and things improve. But I suspect we will see another thread here within a fortnight of you moving back in.

EweAreHere · 27/01/2017 12:02

Genuine change doesn't kick in after 3 days.

It takes a long time to build new habits.

flappynewyear · 27/01/2017 12:08

I really hope that the OP is a troll If she isn't someone needs to phone SS. I feel sorry for all of the children involved (obviously the OP's ds most) as it seems that the parents are so in lurve that they cannot see what is happening.

LisaMed1 · 27/01/2017 12:19

What are you going to do next time your son is hurt?

What are you going to do when your stepson's anger management issues mean that the baby is hurt?

You don't need to tell us but it is probably a good idea to prepare for the inevitable.

Mix56 · 27/01/2017 12:32

Well I hope your DP has changed miraculously over a week because the mindset of your DP, is very much his kids are top (holiday) & yours doesn't count.
Are you OK to actually see this as "him" being the real source of the problems ? This is not easy, but he seems to have walked all over your feelings, silenced you re general interaction with his kids

Your son must be hurting

BurningBridges · 27/01/2017 12:42

OP this is rubbish, sounds like an episode of a soap, earlier this week it was all about you being strong for your own son, now its oh well I'll go back and try x y and z and then a b and c - stay at your Mum's and give it more time, it sounds like you're all caught up in the drama.

deblet · 27/01/2017 13:36

OP I think you need to ask for your son to have counselling on his own. I am a trainee counsellor we go into schools quite a lot and it may help him to talk to someone. For you he will have the guilt that you are pregnant and obviously love this man and he will not voice how he really feels to you. You and your DH need to organise your home so the children that live there full time have their own space, my step children had their own sofa beds in the dining room and when they stayed no one was allowed in there but we did not force them to share rooms that was a disaster looking to happen. Set down rules before you all share a space together and stick to them. Good luck.

WatchingFromTheWings · 27/01/2017 13:41

Wow, there's no way I'd put my DC's in harms way by moving back with a family in which he was assaulted. What if next time he's really seriously injured? Could you live with yourself after that? If you're not careful you son may very well end up resenting or even hating you for allowing this. Your kids should come first......they clearly do not.

SarahM24 · 27/01/2017 14:10

The step kids arent happy, your son isnt happy, the baby if raised in this environment will begin its life very unhappy.
Your partner screwed up having an affair on their mother rather than leaving- no excuses for that bull shit behaviour and is certainly going to cause issues with the kids.

Both their parents are with partners the step kids do not like for whatever reason and they have no control over any of it.
They tried to regain control by bullying your son who also did things wrong and these kids have been forced together.

Why arent the adults accepting that its not working to blend the families together.
Your moving your son back in with his attacker- start saving for years of therapy for your poor son.
your oh has changed completly in a few days? wow thats the easy part a few days maybe couple weeks then back to normal.
You need to think about your son and forcing him to be a family with them isnt doing that.
I dont think there is any risk to your baby from your step son, thats not fair they will be related and not similar ages so less to clash over.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2017 14:24

You're going to do what feels right to you. But let me give you one little piece of advice: Don't unpack your bags just yet.

Foxysoxy01 · 27/01/2017 14:25

Why can't you start therapy before you move back in together?

I don't understand Confused

What has your DH actually done to 'prove' he has change in 3 days ConfusedHmm
What has actually changed? Nobody has actively done anything to mentally help/prepare the step kids or your kids for living together again.

What happens when stepson or daughter smothers the baby because their escalating behaviour and crys for help have been ignored (apart from a 4 month pocket money ban)

I thought you were strong putting your son first, now it's just fucking depressing and can only be hoped someone on here knows you in RL and tips SS off.

All of the children involved in this are being massively let down.

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