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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have finally done it and left dh.

160 replies

HannahSmithson45 · 23/01/2017 15:04

Gone and left dh. The last have been hell, if you don't remember my previous posts, in short my stepchildren have bullied my son, my husband had booked a holiday without me and my son (later rectified). Yesterday my stepson violently punched and kicked my son. My son was punched in the face and kicked in the groin (you know where). This started over ds taking the tv show stepkids were watching off pause. I blame myself partly because I told ds last time to stick up for himself when they call him names. So ds called them names from there. I was upstairs at the time of the fight ( not really as ds never hit back). I came down and that was it I had a massive shout at the two stepchildren and left. I went straight to the police station as that is assault.

I am pregnant with dh child and I am so lost. I am not going back to that house so he can be punched and kicked physically and verbally. I made sure ds was okay as it can be serious getting a blow down there.
Dh is begging me to come back and I have said that it is me or the stepkids and that is it.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 23/01/2017 16:11

Iirc from the OP's previous threads there were issues on both sides including the DSD saying she felt pushed out but was being ignored because of having lashed out.

It's all too easy to jump to the conclusion of evil stepmother or demon stepchildren, but in most cases the reality is that blended families are a minefield with a very low success rate because the adults are so desperate for their children to get on that they ignore their needs in pursuit of what they, the adults, want.

C
Clearly this situation is untenable but to start throwing around ultimatums that the man should choose between the OP and his children is not the answer either. Whether the OP likes it or not those children are her unborn baby's siblings, and they will have a relationship with the OP's child regardless of their relationship with her or her DS.

I wish people would think before bringing more children into a situation where the existing ones already don't get on. Yes the OP has put her current DS, but there is a baby about to be born into this mess who seems to have been overlooked.

OP your best bet now would be for you and your H to seek some therapy in order to at the very least be able to come to agreement on how you will co-parent this baby.

ohfourfoxache · 23/01/2017 16:13

Holy fuck Hannah Shock Sad Angry

I remember you- I'm so sorry this has happened. Your ss sounds like an utter shit. How is your ds?

Stay strong Thanks

TempusEedjit · 23/01/2017 16:14

I read the "it's me or the step kids" comment as "prioritise me and your unborn child over not confronting your DCs violent behaviour - if you can't or won't discipline them I'm gone" as opposed to "cut your DC out of your life".

Well done OP. Your son, unborn baby and yourself will all be better off out of this horrible environment.

Onthecouchagain · 23/01/2017 16:17

Me or your kids? That's so out of order it's unreal.

inlectorecumbit · 23/01/2017 16:22

I am glad you reported the assault to the police. I hope they took it seriously and at the very least go and have a talk with your SSon. Perhaps that will put the fear of God into him and his bullying ways. It may also be a wake up call to your H.
You have done the right thing for both you and your DS-and your DC to be,

Flowers
Original poster
HannahSmithson45 · 23/01/2017 16:23

I read the "it's me or the step kids" comment as "prioritise me and your unborn child over not confronting your DCs violent behaviour - if you can't or won't discipline them I'm gone" as opposed to "cut your DC out of your life".

That is what I've mean't how can he cut his kids out of his life.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 23/01/2017 16:24

I'm so glad you've finally stood up for yourself and your son and left him.

You and your son deserve better. If your DH isn't going to rein in his stepchildren's behaviour and treat you and DS as full members of the family, then you're not part of the family. Leaving is the best option for both of you.

Of course, DH is begging you to come back. He'll have to find someone else to keep an eye on his horrible children when he's not around. And his failure to parent them is now going to cost him even more as he'll have your joint baby to support.

Stand firm. Nothing has changed, in spite of all the problems you've been having with him and the children. So why would it now?

Servicesupportforall · 23/01/2017 16:29

What WannaBe says absolutely.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/01/2017 16:30

Well done Hannah, you're a great Mum, your DS is so lucky to have you.
Don't go back, nothing will change.
Glad you are at your Mum's, hopefully you will be able to relax and enjoy your pregnancy in peace.
Hope your DS is okay. 💐

AdoraBell · 23/01/2017 16:36

I saw your previous thread.

You've done the right thing in leaving.

GarlicSpartaterf · 23/01/2017 16:39

I remember your posts, Hannah Flowers Well done.

You have to show your child(ren) you will protect them from harm, and that we choose to have only good people in our lives, not bullies.You're being an excellent parent.

I'm glad your safe and hope your mum's fully on board with supporting you while you need her. Please do a benefits check to make sure you're receiving any entitlements - enjoy a more peaceful pregnancy and look forward to planning your little family's future!

Wishing you good friends and a following wind.

Miserylovescompany2 · 23/01/2017 16:43

I remember reading one of your posts OP. I hope your son is OK? Well done for leaving. You both (and unborn child) deserve so much better.

MrsBlennerhassett · 23/01/2017 16:44

well done OP!! You are very brave for putting your child first and have done the right thing to protect him i think. Good luck for the future! Flowers

randomer · 23/01/2017 16:45

sorry i expect his is elsewhere but how old are the kids involved in this?

BoboBunnyH0p · 23/01/2017 16:47

I remember your previous posts. Well done for putting your child first, stay strong and don't go back. I hope you have some rl support.

Olympiathequeen · 23/01/2017 16:47

You've done the right thing by protecting your son. I couldn't bear it if DS was abused in that way. DH needs to get his children in line.

WilburIsSomePig · 23/01/2017 16:48

I'm glad you've moved your son to safety, there's no way things could continue as they were.

Mrsemcgregor · 23/01/2017 16:49

Well done, I have been lurking on your threads. I am glad you have put your son above all else.

What did the police say? Maybe a visit from them will be the shock they need to stop being little shits. It may be too late to make a difference for you but it may well save some other poor kids in the future.

GoLightlyHollie · 23/01/2017 16:50

Well done OP.
I think I remember your previous posts but as others have said, the ultimatum you've delivered possibly isn't ideal.
Do you want to be with your DH?
Can you arrange for a situation whereby your DH sees his children separately and away from your child? Day trips and such rather than overnight stays at your house? I'm also thinking about your unborn child by the way, the last thing you want is for the baby to end up resenting you in the longer term for leaving his/her father.
There has to be a solution other than "the kids or me", if you want there to be one.
Either way, well done for putting your son first and I hope everything works out for you.

SeaEagleFeather · 23/01/2017 16:55

Does your husband not realise that children need both boundaries and attention? both are essential.

Bad parenting isn't always malice, sometimes it's simply not knowing how to.

I think your husband needs to learn some parenting lessons quick and apply them, which will make his and his children's life very, very difficult for a while but will be better in the long run.

If he doesn't want to bother, then actually he's failed his children very badly. If he does want to, then probably it's still not a good idea to get back together after say 2-3 years; too much has happened for your son to be comfortable with his stepsiblings, probably. But it'd be better for any future relationships he has.

Original poster
HannahSmithson45 · 23/01/2017 17:04

They are 17/16

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 23/01/2017 17:05

You have done the right thing. Your poor DS.

Clearly your DH has no boundaries in place with his dc. I have no idea of the ages of the kids or how many there are but really, if he doesn't get this sorted NOW then he's going to be having his kids arrested for serious assault in the future. They seem to think that if they can't get what they want then they can just physically assault someone until they cave in?

And please don't ever let your baby go to his house. With those dc there I'd be worried for it's safety.

MycatsaPirate · 23/01/2017 17:05

xpost

Who is 16/17? How many dc does he have? How old is your ds?

WannaBe · 23/01/2017 17:07

randomer the DSS is seventeen and the DSD and OP's DS are fifteen.

Issues on both sides including the OP's DS walking naked into the bathroom while the DSD was in the bath hence a previous outburst from her.

Creampastry · 23/01/2017 17:13

This relationship is over .... it will never work. Good for you for standing up for your ds and you.