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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have finally done it and left dh.

160 replies

HannahSmithson45 · 23/01/2017 15:04

Gone and left dh. The last have been hell, if you don't remember my previous posts, in short my stepchildren have bullied my son, my husband had booked a holiday without me and my son (later rectified). Yesterday my stepson violently punched and kicked my son. My son was punched in the face and kicked in the groin (you know where). This started over ds taking the tv show stepkids were watching off pause. I blame myself partly because I told ds last time to stick up for himself when they call him names. So ds called them names from there. I was upstairs at the time of the fight ( not really as ds never hit back). I came down and that was it I had a massive shout at the two stepchildren and left. I went straight to the police station as that is assault.

I am pregnant with dh child and I am so lost. I am not going back to that house so he can be punched and kicked physically and verbally. I made sure ds was okay as it can be serious getting a blow down there.
Dh is begging me to come back and I have said that it is me or the stepkids and that is it.

OP posts:
Helloitsme87 · 26/01/2017 09:58

Be wary OP. Just think of your son here first and foremost.
Buying a present means nothing. If the anger was there before they assaulted him, why would being given a caution and a talking too from their parents going to change that.
They need counselling and anger management and therapy

BaDumShh · 26/01/2017 10:14

that's good that they are apologetic, bit IMO it's still way too soon to consider moving DS and the SCs back in together. They are clearly not ready for this. They shouldn't be staying together in the same house for the foreseeable future.

SeaEagleFeather · 26/01/2017 10:16

I imagine actually that they are rather shocked that you have left. Perhaps it's brought them up short. The biggest problem is that your husband never stopped this bullying, but they could be decent young people underneath?

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 26/01/2017 10:17

Be wary. Abusers buy presents too.

RogueStar01 · 26/01/2017 10:19

hannah i've got that right haven't i, the DS who did the attack has had previous anger management therapy and then went on to do this attack? If that's right I think your DH should be very worried about his son. I wouldn't be moving my children back in any time soon as the therapy has already failed to prevent the behaviour once.

RogueStar01 · 26/01/2017 10:20

i'm sorry you're in this situation, must be very hard for you - I hope you've got good RL support. You've done a very good job for your own DS by protecting him.

Original poster
HannahSmithson45 · 26/01/2017 12:25

Stepson went through conselling when he younger because he didn't cope with his the breakup. Dh was unfaithful (not with me). This is why the marriage broke up according to the stepchildren but it's a lot more complicated and they never were told by dh the real reason. Dh ex was very difficult person to live with, very demanding. I'm not going to get into the real detail, but ex drove dh away is basically why he ended up having an affair. But the stepchildren never understood it was on the rocks before the affair and they pretended to be happy family to the dc when in reality dh and ex were not happy. So they blamed entirely for the divorce. This is why I think dh is such a so called Disney dad around them as he is worried about how they feel towards him.

OP posts:
Original poster
HannahSmithson45 · 26/01/2017 12:28

In regards to how the stepkids and their gift. It was a surprise to dh as well, they used their own money to order it and both gave it to ds. I think this is genuine they were not instructed by parents to do this.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 26/01/2017 12:57

It's a positive sign and if they did it without being told to then that's excellent. Just be cautious- the underlying problem hasn't been resolved; buying a present is easy, changing behaviour and rebuilding trust isn't

Rainydayspending · 26/01/2017 13:04

There are a lot of things going on with your H his ex and the stepkids. Clearly because those things haven't been dealt with those children are not adjusted in a way to comfortably share their lives. It also sounds as though H has a lot of parenting to learn/ relearn.
Having a child ties you in to this dysfunctional situation - but to your advantage in keeping everything from being a rush.
Personally I'd never go back but perhaps the teens will change / leave the situation whilst there is still a salvagable relationship for you and H. But as you've rightly decided the safety of YOUR son and unborn child is your priority. Well done as you are being pulled by so many conflicts but have shown all the other people the grown up protective action. Much Brew and Cake and fortitude for sitting down with H to discuss financial solution so you are not taking the full hit on this.

Original poster
HannahSmithson45 · 26/01/2017 16:12

Dh has suggested to me that I move back with ds, the stepkids will be here for the day on weekends on Saturday and Sunday during day and in a month they will stay weekends and then in a month (if no problems) we will return to weekdays here weekends mums.

On these weekends dh wants to do bonding things as a family and has suggested that I try and bond with stepdaughter and stepson and my son bond together with him. Shall I acceapt this as an offer. It will be if one single thing goes wrong then it will be a split.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 26/01/2017 16:26

I think it's too soon, what has really changed?

SeaEagleFeather · 26/01/2017 16:30

In your shoes I'd give it longer.

Only you know your husband and the children. Will this short a time be enough? (it could be for some people). Or will it need longer? It might be wiser. Things could slide back into the way they were - 'things' meaning his attitude.

As one thing here, I think his children deserve the truth and need it. All this has happened because your husband has allowed himself to be painted as the bad guy and therefore couldn't bear to put boundaries in place. The children have been lied to and people have changed their behaviour because of those lies and -this- is the result. Your stepchildren are old enough to know that things aren't always simple. They deserve being treated with respect and honesty. I think frankly your husband has let them down in several ways and -they- deserve an apology from him. It won't be easy for them to hear, but living with the picture of their father as a bad guy, and being let down by him so badly in terms of discipline, is harder.

Time for your husband to accept that wanting their good opinion was about his need, not theirs, and being a Disney Dad was a mistake.

This could be an opportunity to change the dynamics of your family in a much better way, if your husband can step up.

RogueStar01 · 26/01/2017 16:35

so in 2 months things will be back to 'normal' and no baby in the mix yet? I think it's too fast. The baby will create uncertainty and jealous feelings in all the existing children. Personally I think the DS who's aggressive needs intensive therapy before they stay overnight again with you altogether again.

ohfourfoxache · 26/01/2017 16:50

Personally Hannah I wouldn't. There is nothing to stop you from all spending time together whilst you and ds are living away, but I think if you move back now then it will all just "go back to normal" and nothing will change. It takes time to rebuild trust- both for you and your ds

AcrossthePond55 · 26/01/2017 16:55

No! He's not taking this as seriously as he should. He's basically saying all you need is more 'time' w/out his kids
And it'll all be just fine. The whole family needs counselling to deal with the issues at hand.

Mix56 · 26/01/2017 17:02

The DS needs counselling, all this is going to fast.
I can see you would like to get back together before the baby is born,
but as PP says, if things return to normal, the SC will think it's all forgotten.
Maybe wait until the end of their 4 month grounding period,
Has anyone actually asked them what theywant in this ?
Maybe they would prefer to live more with their mother ?

TempusEedjit · 26/01/2017 17:13

Way too soon, the police involvement/punishments etc have merely tackled the symptoms, not the cause. So the DSCs have lost their allowance but I imagine there'll be treats during these family "bonding" days - how much of a hardship will that really be for them? If you go back straight away your DH will only have experienced the most fleeting of consequences.

I think your DH should spend the next month doing things to bond as a family as per his proposal to you but with just him and his own DC. He can start putting some expectations in place as to the behaviour he expects from them, and without you there he won't be able to defer to you to play bad cop. He will actually have to parent his own DC...fancy that!

Once you have had two months of observing whether he and they step up, consequences followed through, no bullying of your son at school etc then maybe you could think about giving him another chance if you still want to. In the meantime you can focus on your own son and rebuild his trust that you are there to protect him, not pursue your romantic relationship ahead of his needs.

Remember you only started this thread on Monday...how much genuine change could have actually occurred between then and now?

Original poster
HannahSmithson45 · 26/01/2017 17:37

Maybe they would prefer to live more with their mother ?

They have been given an option to live with mum but they choose to spend most of the week here. Mum lives in walking distance (just under a mile).

OP posts:
Mix56 · 26/01/2017 17:52

Why ? is it bigger, better, more comfortable, better internet, better food ?
They clearly don't like your son/you, so there must be a reason they prefer living with you ? it may be their mother is "complicated", but maybe being made to live with her more will show them that living with you & their father is worth learning some "control".
It is unlikely they would behave this way with ANY OTHER PERSON. other than you & your DS.
You need to believe this is intentional.

ArmfulOfRoses · 26/01/2017 18:28

Surely your son hasn't even healed yet and you want to go back?
You have been asking your dh to do something for what, months, years, and it takes your son being assaulted in his own home and his son to receive a police caution for him to do anything ?

I would be very suspicious of apologies and gifts from bullies, these are probably just so they can say "but we apologised/got him a present".

If you really are considering going back, then you should be thinking in terms of months, not days imo.

Original poster
HannahSmithson45 · 26/01/2017 18:40

Why ? is it bigger, better, more comfortable, better internet, better food ?

They don't like their mums boyfriend. He stays at weekends with them. I don't know what he is like but they really moan about him to dh.

OP posts:
Lovewineandchocs · 26/01/2017 18:46

I completely agree with armfulofroses no way has enough time passed for serious change. Them getting your DS a present reminds me of partners who screw up then buy their other halves flowers etc then can't understand why they're still annoyed. Another thing to consider is that your DH has form for relenting on punishments-he'll probably allow them out to see friends etc before the 4 months are up and they will have learned nothing. I think much more is needed-"bonding" weekends won't fix these issues. Months of therapy and anger management are needed to get to the heart of the matter.

maras2 · 26/01/2017 19:33

Just a couple of weeks ago you LTB over a holiday that excluded you and DS.
DH came snivelling round virtually the next day with chocs and apologies and a promise of a proper 'family' holiday.
Now his kids come round with aftershave and profuse apologies.
See any similarities?
You are so going back < till next time >
Sad for your DS.

ohfourfoxache · 26/01/2017 19:48

Sounds like the pair of them do a lot of whinging about their parents' partners Hmm