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AIBU?

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Original poster

She stole my name!

293 replies

tepidtulip · 22/01/2017 17:05

Ok so I have name changed for this as this is probably going to be very identifying and I don't fancy people working out who am I am then finding all my previous posts. Mainly all the disgusting things I recently admitted to!

I'm pregnant and due February 22nd(!!!). My hormones are all over the place so I really don't know whether I'm over reacting or not. It took me a long time to get pregnant and during this time many of my friends had children and I was genuinely so pleased for them but also (only in private, I hope) incredibly jealous. I say this because I feel like I understand what it's like to want children and not currently have them and therefore I have tried to stay calm.

My DHs sister (my SIL) is in her late 40s and single, having broken up with a long term partner a couple of years ago. After the break-up things were understandably very difficult for her and she moved back in with my ILs. A few weeks ago we asked me what names we were thinking of for our baby as she wanted to do some embroidery and I (stupidly) told her we'd decided on Toby.

Last week I popped over to the ILs and SIL has got a new puppy that she is currently referring to as 'her baby' which I thought was sweet. He's a choc lab and absolutely gorgeous if it matters. However she's called him Tobias which obviously is being shortened to Toby!!

I'm absolutely fuming. At the time I said oh but that's our name for our baby and she did a fucking tinkling laugh and said 'oh but nobody owns a name'. I went home and absolutely bawled my eye out to DH who gave her a ring and tried to explain how we felt. She is refusing to change the dogs name and has passed on a message through our ILs that we graciously doesn't mind if we copy her baby's name but she won't be changing it.

I know nobody owns a name and I know I was so, so stupid to tell her the name early but seriously what the fuck?! Am I being irrational or is this just fucking crazy?!

OP posts:
honeylulu · 22/01/2017 20:34

Call your baby Toby anyway. Your child will outlive her dog "baby". Whether you say that to her or not is up to you.

Lilacpink40 · 22/01/2017 20:34

Thinking about options, you call your baby Toby and your son will very quickly appear taller than the dog (assuming it's reg size) so everyone will prob forget which reference came first and think the dog was 2nd.
Option 2 you choose another name and lovely twisted SIL reminds you regularly that you're using your 2nd choice name and you feel you were and are controlled.

JamesBlonde1 · 22/01/2017 20:35

BTW I love the idea of buying a rodent and naming it after her. Get something little like a hamster. Put a photo of said hamster on Facebook. "Everyone meet Lisa my new hamster".

ThroneofJudgypants · 22/01/2017 20:36

Just call the dog Dog. Don't make a big deal of it. Just don't use its name.

MiniMaxi · 22/01/2017 20:44

Crackers

As PPs have said, call the baby Toby if that's the name you like! Congrats by the way Flowers

Touchmybum · 22/01/2017 20:49

Oh ignore her, sad person. Call the baby Toby; as others say Toby the boy will be around a lot longer than Toby the dog.

Friend's dog has the same name as my DS, so as above, it's Toby the boy and Toby the dog, and my DS thinks it's hilarious.

Rise above it, she is sad and alone - you and your DH are getting a wonderful little baby. She is probably bitter and jealous. Leave her to it. Nobody is going to give a shit what the dog is called.

HemlockStarglimmer · 22/01/2017 20:51

Toby is my husband's name and is called Toblerone sometimes. Pretty sure his Scottish mother didn't know it was also a slang term for a penis 🤣

mainlywingingit · 22/01/2017 20:54

Stick with Toby - your baby will
Come first within the family and this will
Actually be quite annoying for her!
I would be annoyed too YANBU

Fortnum · 22/01/2017 20:57

Name the baby Tobias, and say you thought it would be a lovely thing to remember their dog when your son is in his teens

Fortnum · 22/01/2017 20:58

also Tobias is an incredibly annoying name for a dog !

Pinkapple47 · 22/01/2017 20:59

Stick with toby.
Similar thing happened to me but the dog was born 6 years before and I copiedGrin
I liked the name, not everyone who knows my son knows his nannas dog has the same name, the baby will out live the dog and I liked the name, so I named him dogs name.

TheNiffler · 22/01/2017 21:00

Definitely call him Toby.

And I think elvis has it. You've now got a golden opportunity to explain (pref in front of SIL) why her dog is also called Toby. Don't forget the tinkly little laugh after.

She is going to look soooooo mean.

MarmaladeWithToast · 22/01/2017 21:03

Shorten Tobias to Toto - a much better dogs name anyway!

Mondayschild78 · 22/01/2017 21:05

I would be annoyed too but she's clearly got some issues so I would let it go, be happy and choose the name you like for your baby, whether it's Toby or another name you decide on. Life is short particularly if you're a dog

TheSmurfsAreHere · 22/01/2017 21:06

The issue isn't the name as such. If the OP hadn't told her and the SIL happened to have called her dog the same name, then so be it.

But that's not what happened. The SIL knew all along. So yes or was clearly done out of spite or out of a total lack of consideration and care of other's people feelings. Esp as the OP has struggled to Get pg herself.

I fully agree about doing whatever you feel is right. Keep the name if it's the one you love. Change it off you actually have found another one you prefer (I know I had a name for dc1 but after he was born, it was clear that name didn't fit him. So we chose another one).

Ignore her and her dog. Or call the dog Tobias if you have to talk about it.

FlouncingInAWinterWonderland · 22/01/2017 21:15

Congratulations on your baby.

I feel desperately sorry for your SIL, and her situation. Her lack of that person we all need in our lives to give us a hug and listen to us and gently suggest we're a bit out of line, sending us back on the right path.

She has found her self back at her parents, being a parent is not so very likely now in her late 40's, so do we guess not a lot of money, not a wide social network, not personally that successful.

Her emotions must be pretty messed up. Is it a first grandchild? Is she surrounded by talk and excitement of this wonderous thing that a new generation is in a family, fully knowing its very unlikely to happen to her.

She's acted in a silly way. It may not have been laiden with malitious intent, just not really thought out without another person in her life to adjust that slightly irrational thought of using the name you'd chosen.

Be peeved and then try and let it go.

This potentially could become an elephant in the room and overshadow the wonderful thing your child will be to the family. You hold the cards as to what happens next.

Londonjam · 22/01/2017 21:19

That's so mean of her 😦 you must be kicking yourself for sharing it - but you weren't to know. It's a lovely name and I think you should still call your little boy it. As long as it won't continue make you feel cross that is - in which case do you have alternative names you like as much? If not please do call him Toby. Stuff your SIL and 'Tobias'

Cherryskypie · 22/01/2017 21:20

It was a very unkind thing to do. I do know a lot of labradors called Toby though.

purpleladybird · 22/01/2017 21:21

There was a very similar thread to this a few years ago. Poster planned to name son Ted. Relative (who knew the plan) named their dog Ted shortly before. It was an amusing thread because one poster suggested the OP called the dog Tid (because who would be stupid enough to name their dog after their soon to be nephew) and I have often tried to find the post again without success.

They ended up calling him Luca.

Peregrina · 22/01/2017 21:33

I think you need to get over this TBH. My parent's cat and niece shared the same name but the cat is long since gone.

What was much more hurtful when a friend had a baby who only lived a few days, and her SIL called her own baby the same name as the one which had died. That caused a lot of pain to my friend. He had the same surname too which just rubbed it in.

PamBalam · 22/01/2017 21:36

Spiteful bitch. What do your in laws think?

Anyway, Toby means penis where I live.

TheOtherGalen · 22/01/2017 21:37

Just refer to the dog as "Wannabe" instead of "Toby." Do it in a happy, joking way, like you're just so tickled that your SIL stole the name. Be as smarmy as possible:

"Oh you adorable snookums, look at you! Are you just the cutest widdle Toby wannabe ever? Hmm? Are you such a wiggly widdle wannabe? Yes you are! Kiss kiss kiss."

EddieHitler · 22/01/2017 21:41

She sounds incredibly sad and jealous. I'm torn between disliking her and feeling sorry for her.

I wouldn't call the baby Toby now though, it would infuriate me every time I was near the dog. I'd find a beautiful new name and after much sobbing I'd have to let it go.

TheOtherGalen · 22/01/2017 21:41

Alternatively: Wanna-toby or To-wannabe.

TheOtherGalen · 22/01/2017 21:49

In all seriousness, though, if you really want to keep the name Toby for your baby, then your best strategy is going to be doing whatever you can to see the total absurdity, and making sure to joke about it with others. Turn it into one of those outrageous stories that go down in family lore.

"At first I was shattered but then I looked at the situation ... my SIL tricked me into revealing my chosen name, then got a puppy a month before I was due, and STOLE my name to give it to her dog! Now I can't help but laugh, and feel glad that we're starting off with the most excellent story to tell our baby about his name when he's old enough."