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AIBU?

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Original poster

She stole my name!

293 replies

tepidtulip · 22/01/2017 17:05

Ok so I have name changed for this as this is probably going to be very identifying and I don't fancy people working out who am I am then finding all my previous posts. Mainly all the disgusting things I recently admitted to!

I'm pregnant and due February 22nd(!!!). My hormones are all over the place so I really don't know whether I'm over reacting or not. It took me a long time to get pregnant and during this time many of my friends had children and I was genuinely so pleased for them but also (only in private, I hope) incredibly jealous. I say this because I feel like I understand what it's like to want children and not currently have them and therefore I have tried to stay calm.

My DHs sister (my SIL) is in her late 40s and single, having broken up with a long term partner a couple of years ago. After the break-up things were understandably very difficult for her and she moved back in with my ILs. A few weeks ago we asked me what names we were thinking of for our baby as she wanted to do some embroidery and I (stupidly) told her we'd decided on Toby.

Last week I popped over to the ILs and SIL has got a new puppy that she is currently referring to as 'her baby' which I thought was sweet. He's a choc lab and absolutely gorgeous if it matters. However she's called him Tobias which obviously is being shortened to Toby!!

I'm absolutely fuming. At the time I said oh but that's our name for our baby and she did a fucking tinkling laugh and said 'oh but nobody owns a name'. I went home and absolutely bawled my eye out to DH who gave her a ring and tried to explain how we felt. She is refusing to change the dogs name and has passed on a message through our ILs that we graciously doesn't mind if we copy her baby's name but she won't be changing it.

I know nobody owns a name and I know I was so, so stupid to tell her the name early but seriously what the fuck?! Am I being irrational or is this just fucking crazy?!

OP posts:
PussInCoutts · 22/01/2017 17:22

!!! FWIW IMO YANBU. Would piss the hell out of me! also Toby was a strong contender for my DS when I was pregnant, great name

I don't know what you can do about it, though. If I was in your shoes I would talk to SIL and explain how unfair it felt, and asking her to change the dog's name. Much easier and fairer. I think she is very inconsiderate to steal your soon-to-be-born son's name like that!

Jeanstootight · 22/01/2017 17:22

What a cow. She's obviously very jealous of you. I'd name my child Toby still, refer to the dog as dog (call her out when she refers to it as her baby). By the time your son is old enough to care the dog has the same name i.e. a teenager the dog will prob be dead anyway. Make sure all the relevant people know the story when she tries to claim you named your baby after hers

Ginmakesitallok · 22/01/2017 17:23

My mum's dog was called Toby, can't use it as a name in scotland anyway as it's slang for penis. (Not v helpful...)

SparkyStar84 · 22/01/2017 17:23

A bit crappy of her to do that, but I'd still call your child Toby for reasons some might find macabre, like she might get fed up of the dog etc. If DS queries it you can explain that you & DP/DH really loved the name Toby, the dogs real name is Tobias. I'm sure your DS won't be overly bothered about it.
It just might get confusing if around the dog. You could say you & DH decided his name years before his was born.
YANBU I bet life is lovely with SIL if she does things like that.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 22/01/2017 17:24

I named DD without caring that there were a whole load of dogs with the same name!

Keep the name if you still want to. Just call the dog Tobias

WyfOfBathe · 22/01/2017 17:24

YABU, I don't understand why people care so much about "stealing" names. There are loads of other people called Toby in the world anyway.

My DD was born about a month after our neighbour's baby. Before DD was born, I had never met the neighbour's baby or heard her name. It turns out they're called almost the same thing, similar difference to Marta and Martha. The neighbour and I still get along fine, neither of us are upset that the other "stole" their name.

RockyBird · 22/01/2017 17:25

A friend of mine let her kids choose their new puppies' names. The kids chose my kids' names ... after an initial Shock I'm fine with it.

Toby the dog will be rehomed or dead in a few years. Use your name and bollicks to your SIL

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/01/2017 17:26

Use it. As said, your Toby will be around a lot longer than a dog will be.

AliceInUnderpants · 22/01/2017 17:27

Name your baby Toby. YABU if you don't dress him exclusively in red/white striped sleepsuits though Grin

Uiscebeatha85 · 22/01/2017 17:27

Love Toby/Tobias, it was our name for DD if she was born a boy.

Your sil sounds like a twat. I would still use the name (labs have a short life span). I would have been livid as well by the way. Congratulations and good luck for your new arrival Flowers

GivenupSocialmediaNOTMN · 22/01/2017 17:27

It's a good thing.

Toby is an awful name.

#missesthepointofthethread.

Pikawhoo · 22/01/2017 17:28

Use the name you love! It's obviously a bit weird, but the kind of thing you can laugh about and rise above. At the end of the day, it would be worse to miss out on the name you really want to use.

Enidblyton1 · 22/01/2017 17:28

Ha ha, your SIL is such an idiot! I think you just have to see the funny side.
Do you see that much of her and the new dog? Ie. Will anyone apart from SIL and your parents in law actually know that both a dog and child are called the same name?
If it ever comes up in conversation you can just laugh it off and say SIL heard about your choice of name and thought it would be hilarious if she got in there first...

ToadsforJustice · 22/01/2017 17:29

Call your baby Toby. If your SIL says anything just tell her that it's the name you chose for your baby which by the way is a real baby unlike hers.

Hassled · 22/01/2017 17:29

Please don't let this spoil the name for you - you've struggled to get to this stage, you love the name, use the name. Yes, she's being a complete cow - that doesn't have to be your problem. Just look forward to the arrival of Baby Toby.

AskBasil · 22/01/2017 17:30

She's mental.

But you need to rise above it and not be mental. My friend had a dog who had the same name as what I would have chosen for my DS, but to be fair it was a couple of years before I was pregnant, so not mad like this. I did consider still using the name, but found one I liked just as much instead, in order to avoid confusion or having her think I'd named my baby after her dog.

Whatever you do, in her mad brain she will have won: if you use Toby, she will claim you have named your son after her dog; if you don't, she'll feel she's won the name battle and kept the name. Either way, let her think what she wants because you have the luxury of knowing that she is bonkers in the nut and you're not.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it all goes well for you.

AppleMagic · 22/01/2017 17:30

There's a big difference between two friends coincidentally liking the same name and a close family member deliberately using the name she knew you were about to name your baby for her dog!

I'm another who would keep the name and cut down on contact with sil.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/01/2017 17:30

No, nobody owns a name - but that is not what's going on here. She has decided that she wants to have a go at you/her brother/both of you and she has decided that this is a way to do so that she can't be called on. Shitty thing to do.

What do her parents think of this? What do they feel about their daughter behaving like this to their son and daughter-in-law?

CripsSandwiches · 22/01/2017 17:31

If she did it on purpose then you should just pity her. How pathetic. IN any case I'm an animal lover but it's a dog not a child so you can surely call your baby the same name. Your DS will obviously be more interesting to the family than a dog (however cute it is) so it really won't be a big deal.

MuteButtonisOn · 22/01/2017 17:31

" You bitch, let's go "

Servicesupportforall · 22/01/2017 17:31

That's a bit spiteful given and people it's not the poor dogs fault stop killing him off Wink

EweAreHere · 22/01/2017 17:32

I would send her one message.

"When you asked if we'd picked out a name for the baby, we only shared the information with you because you said you were going to embroider something for us, presumably with his name on it. We were so touched. However, it now seems you only asked us so you could use the name for your new dog and gaslight us over our feelings about it.

"This says a lot about you as a person, as DH's sister, and as someone who is supposed to be a loving member of our extended family, and none of it is good.

"You will understand that we no longer feel quite the same way about you, especially as you've apparently misled your and DH's parents about how this all came about. So don't expect to be seeing much of us in future unless a full, sincere apology is forthcoming."

In writing. Once. Along those lines.

And then I would drop it. Never raise the issue again. Because she's obviously harboring some bitterness/jealousy over your lives versus hers at the moment. But I wouldn't go out of your way to see her or host her for quite some time, possibly only seeing her at large family events.

elvis86 · 22/01/2017 17:32

Pathetic of your SIL, but I'd certainly go ahead and use the name. If people Hmm or ask about the dog and the child having the same names, I'd go OTT sympathetic face and explain how poor, single, childless SIL asked what you were calling the baby and used the name for her dog - "I think she struggled a bit with us having a baby, but I don't hold a grudge because I'm such an amazing generous human being.."

Pathetic cow.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 22/01/2017 17:33

She sounds like an annoying wanker. Name your baby Toby. Sadly, dogs only live for about 15 years (less in the case of large dogs), your DS will hopefully live for 80 - 100 years and can enjoy the name of Toby long after Toby Dog is chasing balls in dog Heaven.

user1484317265 · 22/01/2017 17:34

She's late 40's, single and back living with her parents. You're younger, married, having a baby...you have it all. So who cares about the name of the dog, use the same name, or pick a new one, it really doesn't matter at all.