Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Original poster

Hen do dramas

339 replies

Sunshinerainbows123 · 22/01/2017 07:39

So I don't think I'm being unreasonable but happy to be corrected!

One of my really good friends (I am a bridesmaid) is getting married this year and the hen do is at the end of Feb. Her maid of honour told me the dates it would be some time ago. I explained that I would have to leave on the Saturday night as it is my dads 50th birthday on the Sunday so obviously can't miss that obviously wouldn't expect the dates to change for me but also can't change the date of my dads birthday. Was told this was fine.
I kept asking if anything needed to be done or if I could help in anyway and the maid of honour said it was all in hand. Kept asking for more details but got nothing back until yesterday. Saying I needed to give bride 180 pounds for accommodation for 2 nights in Brighton! I said that's a lot of money and asked how much the activities would be on top. Bride called furious saying that I shouldn't stress about money!!! And that I knew about the weekend for ages (but no finer details such as ones or location until now) and I'd already gotten out of half the weekend which has upset her. I said its really not a lot of time to expect people to get that sort of money together and I would struggle to do this and also pointed out I'm not actually staying both nights but still expected to pay for both so that it doesn't cost others more. I'm really annoyed and have no idea how I'm going to get this money together. This is so unlike my friend to be like this.
I know If I mention the money again she'll go off on one again

OP posts:

Letseatgrandma · 22/01/2017 15:34

If the cost is escalating, you need to be one of the people that has pulled out, not one of the people that ends up mopping up the damage.

Totally agree with this!

HappyFlappy · 22/01/2017 15:41

Agree with Summer that the costs are going to spiral exponentially if there are only a very few of you going - and TBH, it isn't going to be much of a weekend for the bride either is it? At best she'll have you and MoH with her, and for one night there'll just be MoH (and I can't imagine the atmosphere will be very pleasant now she knows that MoH has dropped a bollock!).

I would suggest that she cancel and get as much of her deposit back as possible, and that you and the other girls will take her out for a really nice meal as a consolation prize (if you aren't paying for hotel costs or activity costs you cold afford to do this, sharing her cost among you, perhaps?).

MoH will have a face on - there is no doubt about that, but she would have anyway because so many dropped out. I feel very sorry for Bride, but you aren't responsible for this and made it clear at the outset that you could only stay one night, and that you had budget (as does everyone).

Please don't let yourself be guilted into debt, or end up living on SmartPrice baked beans for a month because of this MoH. You'll have a lousy weekend anyway, and will resent and regret what it has cost you.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 22/01/2017 15:48

Please don't feel bad. This isn't your fault. It sounds like everyone else is having similar problems with it. The MOH has done a bad job. She should have found out what people's budgets and availabilities were before planning anything.

Talking to the bride directly is probably the best thing. She may not know how many people have dropped out or why. If she wants a hen do with most of her friends there she is going to have to rein in the MOH and ask her to organize something a lot more within people's price ranges and availability, or organize it herself. Otherwise she and the MOH are going to have one expensive weekend in Brighton, just the two of them.

Trills · 22/01/2017 15:56

When booking a group trip, nothing is "confirmed" until you have found out the price, told everyone that price, and had them say "yes" while knowing the price.

Up until then any agreement is provisional.

Trills · 22/01/2017 15:57

MoH sounds shit at organising things, and she's really messed things up for the bride (and all of you).

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/01/2017 15:58

If Brides cared about their family and friends they'd make it as easy and accessible for as many of their loved ones to attend as possible, not as awkward, and then get all foot stampy about it.

This isn't the brides doing though is it?

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/01/2017 15:58

Dont go just to make up for the MOH's fuck up! Thats between her and the bride, and you mustnt go short because of it.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 22/01/2017 16:00

If it was me at this stage and for my own finances and my friendship I would take over the planning, contact everyone to see if it is definitely the cost, cancel the whole lot, book a nice meal and go out locally. Explain to everyone going and ask them if they want to chip in a donation to try get the bride's deposit together. Contact the original venue and ask if they sell the date to consider giving you a partial refund. Once your friend has a fuss made and all her friends are they she will (should) be happy, I would rather that then half my friends begrudgingly turning up to a weekend they couldn't afford

Delatron · 22/01/2017 16:08

Pull out. If five people have already pulled out, costs will be escalating by the minute and it will end up costing you a fortune. Don't feel bad, you were clear from the start, you were given no information and it's not just you pulling out. Seriously it will be £££££

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/01/2017 16:12

I agree that if you say ok to £180 now it will be £250 by next week and £300 + by the first week in Feb.......

CigarsofthePharoahs · 22/01/2017 16:16

I had to pull out of a hen do when I was one of the bridesmaids. Similar thing, started out as a one day activity, then turned into two nights in a hotel with additional stuff and the cost spiralled.
I'd have gone to the activity even though it wasn't something I'd have enjoyed, but then I got a snotty and rather guilt trippy email from the self appointed head bridesmaid about it.
It would have been £200 for travel ( I wanted to drive, but was told train only!) accommodation and activities with a reminder to bring plenty of extra cash for food and drinks.
I did the maths and whilst I could have scraped £200 together I wouldn't have been able to bring much on top and it would have left dh and I very short.
I was treated rather frostily after that. I suspect HB tried to get me sacked. I wouldn't have minded, the dress was nasty!
OP, stick to your guns. You can't afford it and as the cost is certainly going to rise, you really can't afford it. This isn't your fault at all. The bride needs to have strong words with the moh.
If I'd had a bridesmaid approach me and ask for a £500 pound deposit for a 'surprise' my response would have been something along the lines of "sod off!"
I had a Virgin Vie party and a Chinese takeaway for my hen. I paid for the food.

paddypants13 · 22/01/2017 16:20

I would just be honest and say costs and logistics are just too much. I would add that you would love to treat the bride to a meal out or afternoon tea (as pp suggested) so you can have a good catch up and hear all the wedding plans.

My sil's friends booked and paid for her to go to Malaga for a week, very kind of them but they expected her to take £900 spending money. She also struggled to get time off work because she already had leave coming up for her wedding and honeymoon. My sil was a bit but managed to go and enjoy it. She'd already organised a UK hen do which was £20 for a cocktail making lesson and then a night out round town. Much more sensible.

EweAreHere · 22/01/2017 16:28

While I feel bad for the bride's potentially lost deposit, you should not scrape together your hard-earned funds to bail her out, OP. This is her hen do, she picked the MOH, and the MOH has done this. The bride should make it very clear to the MOH that she knows she has lied and that she is responsible for her own lies and mighty fuck up and that she expects that money to be paid back by the MOH if the weekend falls apart.

Please don't spend money you can't afford because the MOH has done this, OP. It's not reasonable. Do you really think the other 5 who have already pulled out will help? The costs will only rise if you go.

Tell the bride to try and get some of her deposit back and to lean on the MOH to sort out the rest. Suggest a cheaper night out closer to home.

elfycat · 22/01/2017 16:30

Just because £500 has been put down as a deposit there's no reason to keep throwing money at the (single day) you'll be going.

Good money after bad, and all that.

The price per person will go up now. And that's before a single activity is planned or glass of wine purchased.

Not your monkeys, not your circus...

So, so many saying to match this scenario.

Bohemond · 22/01/2017 16:30

I was going to suggest the same as Noc. Take over; cancel everything; try and get some money back and, if not, get a group to subsidise the bride's loss. Will be much cheaper for everyone than actually 'going'.

rollonthesummer · 22/01/2017 16:34

How many are actually happy and have accepted?

Scarydinosaurs · 22/01/2017 16:36

The bride was stupid to put down £500 deposit without taking money from others- don't let her stupid mistake become yours! It will only get more £££

KickAssAngel · 22/01/2017 16:38

Eay better and cheaper to lose the 500 than to keep going. Can you find somewhere closer that does a nice tea, maybe in the countryside, and book one night away with walks tea and silly games? Then people can put in an extra 30 to cover the lost deposit. Do not try to jeep the plan going, it could cost thousands if everyone drops out.

Bantanddec · 22/01/2017 16:45

Stick to your guns and don't go, 500 is just a deposit for accommodation, who knows what the full cost will be. Added activities and an increasingly dwindling guest list you could end up paying that much yourself if not more.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/01/2017 16:52

This is completely between Bride and MoH. MoH booked, MoH lied. You are under no obligation to put yourself into financial hardship because Bride chose to trust an unreliable person!

I'd stick to not going and back slowly away.

Redlocks28 · 22/01/2017 16:59

better and cheaper to lose the 500 than to keep going

Agree. You could end up trying to pay 5 times this amount!

Katy07 · 22/01/2017 17:07

Don't pay anything & don't go. At this rate you'll be the only one there (the bride will be pissed off and will pull out too!) & will have to pay for the entire £500+.

Lunde · 22/01/2017 17:25

If £500 is the deposit - what on earth is the full accommodation cost for the weekend? What activities are going to be booked and what will these cost?

I agree with others that you need to pull out now otherwise you could be looking at a final bill in the £500-1000 range as others pull out and leave the few that actually turn up to shoulder the whole cost. This is the MOH's problem - so she should be sorting it out with the bride - especially given her lies

haveacupoftea · 22/01/2017 17:25

Yes, back out. It needs to be cancelled. £500 may be lost but thats only the start of the eventual cost anyway. And its NOT your problem.

Text bride, tell her you will help to rearrange a new hen do if thats what she wants, but youre terrible sorry you just cant go at the moment. Then wait and see what happens.

Tikky · 22/01/2017 17:32

I'd still pull out - Bournemouth -Brighton -Bournemouth -Manchester is ridiculous.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Swipe left for the next trending thread