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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do dramas

339 replies

Sunshinerainbows123 · 22/01/2017 07:39

So I don't think I'm being unreasonable but happy to be corrected!

One of my really good friends (I am a bridesmaid) is getting married this year and the hen do is at the end of Feb. Her maid of honour told me the dates it would be some time ago. I explained that I would have to leave on the Saturday night as it is my dads 50th birthday on the Sunday so obviously can't miss that obviously wouldn't expect the dates to change for me but also can't change the date of my dads birthday. Was told this was fine.
I kept asking if anything needed to be done or if I could help in anyway and the maid of honour said it was all in hand. Kept asking for more details but got nothing back until yesterday. Saying I needed to give bride 180 pounds for accommodation for 2 nights in Brighton! I said that's a lot of money and asked how much the activities would be on top. Bride called furious saying that I shouldn't stress about money!!! And that I knew about the weekend for ages (but no finer details such as ones or location until now) and I'd already gotten out of half the weekend which has upset her. I said its really not a lot of time to expect people to get that sort of money together and I would struggle to do this and also pointed out I'm not actually staying both nights but still expected to pay for both so that it doesn't cost others more. I'm really annoyed and have no idea how I'm going to get this money together. This is so unlike my friend to be like this.
I know If I mention the money again she'll go off on one again

OP posts:
Turquoisetamborine · 22/01/2017 08:59

Just send that text, sounds fine to me. She's being ridiculous.
My friend booked to go to Dublin for her hen which is somewhere I've never wanted to go but I paid for flights and hotel anyway. They booked somewhere really expensive then the costs just kept on adding up.

The final straw was when I was told a week before Christmas (son's birthday is Boxing Day to add to the cost) that I must pay £69 by Boxing Day for afternoon tea. Fuck that. I cut my losses and pulled out

She cried down the phone to me but I get the impression it was more about looking popular having loads of people there.

She got over it when I organised a local hen for her and put loads of effort in. It was great night and apparently Dublin was crap and very very expensive.

Allthewaves · 22/01/2017 09:00

Could you suggest you take her for afternoon tea or something week after. Reading your logistics it's not practical and you should have said from the start you couldn't go

fatowl · 22/01/2017 09:00

For my hen night in 1992, me and four girlfriends went to a Greek restaurant. The waiter flirted a bit. That was it - nice evening, few glasses of wine, no drama.

The amount of hen night drama that goes on these days, and the amount of money spent is ridiculous.

Don't go OP, spend time with your dad. (My dad is terminally ill, though so my opinion might be a bit skewed)

Maverickismywingman · 22/01/2017 09:08

Hen parties nowadays seem to need to be bigger and better and cost a bloody fortune.

I must've paid about £400 for a weekend away just down the road (I was bridesmaid so I felt totally obligated)

OP stick to your guns.

brasty · 22/01/2017 09:17

Although I understand where you are coming from, I would have budgeted at least a few hundred for a weekend away. Brighton is not cheap. So I do wonder how much you were expecting to pay?
I can see this one from both sides.

coconutpie · 22/01/2017 09:19

Allthewaves - OP knew about this at extremely short notice - she was not told about Brighton and the cost being £180 until now. Regardless if she knew in advance or not, you can't just "budget" for it if you don't have that money in the first place! She presumably has more important things to pay for such as bills, etc.

Original poster
Sunshinerainbows123 · 22/01/2017 09:28

BRasty- I was literally told no details of where how much or what just when it was. I have a feeling the maid of honour as left all planning to the very last minute. As I'm not the only one who has been asking for months what the plan is. I now feel worse because 5 people have pulled out as they can't afford it either. To be honest I had budgeted for 200 pounds but for activities as well did not expect the accommodation to be that expensive at all but I may just be out of touch as do not stay away anywhere

OP posts:
SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 22/01/2017 09:30

£180? That's ridiculous. I can only assume the PP suggesting it's normal and you should have saved up for it, are current or former Bridezillas.
An evening out with your girlfriends is normal and shouldn't lead to bankruptcy.

Spending £1k on a hen party 'activities' is just ...bizarre. I wonder what planet some brides are living on?

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 22/01/2017 09:33

I had three hen dos.

One was a weekend catch up with two friends - stayed at mate's house and got train into London. Wandered about all day, cheap dinner then theatre. We were doing this a couple of times a year anyway, but I think they bought my ticket as a treat.

One was staying with friends while DH had his stag do. Went for a curry and took our own booze.

The last was a night in the pub.

I doubt it cost £180 in total for all three.

picklemepopcorn · 22/01/2017 09:34

I'm so sorry bride, I was really looking forward to it. I'd have to arrive late because of work and leave early because of my dad, and just haven't allowed for so much in my budget! I'm so disappointed not to come, though. Can I join you for the daytime activities?

KathArtic · 22/01/2017 09:37

FFS - It's just after Christmas - who has that sort of money hanging around?

I'm wondering if the 'guests' are unwittingly footing the bill for the bride (and MOH too)?

The cost will keep going up so pull out now and book an afternoon tea with her.

GinIsIn · 22/01/2017 09:37

With so many others dropping out due to the cost I am sure she's starting to get the message - it's probably just made her a bit defensive at the moment but she'll soon see reason if you say she's not normally like this.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 22/01/2017 09:37

I wouldn't go at all, Brighton and back from Bournemouth is hell, let alone in one day and then drive up to Manchester that night

EllaHen · 22/01/2017 09:38

Your text is fine - send it. Hen dos don't actually matter. The logistics will totally stress you out, let alone the cost.

Pull out and breathe a sigh of relief.

brasty · 22/01/2017 09:39

Apologies, I hadn't realised you had no idea at all about where you would be staying. If others are pulling out too, could you suggest a cheaper alternative?

turtletum · 22/01/2017 09:40

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I've been in this situation before. One time a long weekend had been booked but as I work Saturday mornings and it was a 6 hour drive away, I couldn't get there til sat dinner time (was refused time off). Bride was reasonable about it and I just paid for my share of one night plus the activities I could do. However, more recently invited to a hen where the girl organising it used a company, so accommodation alone was £250 (in what turned out to be a run down hotel/ hostel at the edge of the city). What with £80 transport costs plus activities, there was no way I'd afford that. Bride kept in the dark but became worried about costs when so many people began pulling out. I compromised by sorting my own accommodation in travel lodge, only £80 in city centre close to all activities. Maid of honour very annoyed and was unpleasant entire weekend, but I don't know her so didn't let it get to me. Bride just pleased I came, as several of her closest friends did not.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/01/2017 09:40

£180? That's ridiculous. I can only assume the PP suggesting it's normal and you should have saved up for it, are current or former Bridezillas

Actually £180 for 2 nights in Brighton isn't that bad. Brighton isn't cheap!

However it is unfair that the MoH has left it so late to tell everyone and has chosen somewhere that is known to be expensive.

rookiemere · 22/01/2017 09:42

I certainly wouldn't expect one nights accomodation to cost that much. I would have thought less than half that if you were sharing or around £100 if not.
I think you are right to pull out of the overnight stay. My hen do was very cheap. £50 per head in a Lake District youth hostel with enough to cover breakfast as well. I would hate to spend other peoples money so flagrantly as your friend.

brasty · 22/01/2017 09:44

I'm wondering if the 'guests' are unwittingly footing the bill for the bride (and MOH too)
I doubt it. Brighton is expensive. Especially if you haven't booked ahead and left it till the last minute, which sounds likely.

holidaysaregreat · 22/01/2017 09:46

It sounds completely OTT. The fact that five others have pulled out should make it clear it's a piss take to expect people to have that sort of money. Also teaching all week, travelling to Brighton then back to Bournemouth and up to Manchester sounds crazy.
I would go early Saturday and back late evening and just say you won't need the accommodation.

Bluntness100 · 22/01/2017 09:47

I think the issue is probably not just you, it's if she has also had five others pull out, it's a lot of people.

I do agree hen and stag dos are now made in to such big things, which is fair enough, but they seem to fail to take into account finances of a lot of the participants, which causes a lot of these issues to arise. She's probably just upset she's now got six people pulling out.

Catherinebee85 · 22/01/2017 09:47

Sometimes I'm glad I have no friends!

If the MOH wasn't organised enough to let people know enough in advance what the plan was and how much it would cost then she shouldn't have booked something costly and so far away. It was a real gamble and it's not paid off.

I don't understand why people feel the need to do something extravagant....surely it's time with friends and it doesn't matter if you're in a different city or not.

Make it clear to the bride how long you've been asking about costs and plans and just tell her how it doesn't fit in with your family commitments. The MOH shouldn't have booked anything without costing and consulting with guests anyway.

brasty · 22/01/2017 09:48

£90 per night in Brighton for your own room, for a place that doesn't read on trip advisor as terrible, is what I would expect to pay. Especially if not booked way in advance. Brighton is never a cheap option as a weekend away. So I don't think the costs for what is being proposed are unreasonable. But if people can't afford that kind of cost, then it is not okay.

Original poster
Sunshinerainbows123 · 22/01/2017 09:55

Well I've just spoken to my friend who also had the call asking for money. She is also unhappy as asked MoH where it would be as didn't want to travel too far and apparently she said it won't be too far away no more than an hour (I can tell you it's at least 2 hours to Brighton) so friend was expecting southampton/Portsmouth as possible locations. Friend has asked what I'm doing as she doesn't want to let bride down but doesn't want to go that far (has disabled child who she likes to stay close by to in case he needs her). I also expressed my concerns and the fact we still don't actually know where in Brighton we are supposed to be staying and what and how much activities are going to be. Friend said MoH is very disorganised and suspects only looked this weekend and has gone to book the first place which could accommodate numbers.
Think I'm going to call the bride instead of text and see if there is a better solution as I'm sure she would rather more people came.
Feeling unreasonably stressed about this.

OP posts:
lionsleepstonight · 22/01/2017 09:56

I would say that now you have found out where the location is, you cant make it as you need to be in Manchester for the party. logistically, Bournemouth to Manchester via Brighton is horrendous within a 48 hour window.

If she gets upset, just say it's not your fault it's been planned so late! And she will be upset as already 5 have dropped out, but that's not your fault.