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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do dramas

339 replies

Sunshinerainbows123 · 22/01/2017 07:39

So I don't think I'm being unreasonable but happy to be corrected!

One of my really good friends (I am a bridesmaid) is getting married this year and the hen do is at the end of Feb. Her maid of honour told me the dates it would be some time ago. I explained that I would have to leave on the Saturday night as it is my dads 50th birthday on the Sunday so obviously can't miss that obviously wouldn't expect the dates to change for me but also can't change the date of my dads birthday. Was told this was fine.
I kept asking if anything needed to be done or if I could help in anyway and the maid of honour said it was all in hand. Kept asking for more details but got nothing back until yesterday. Saying I needed to give bride 180 pounds for accommodation for 2 nights in Brighton! I said that's a lot of money and asked how much the activities would be on top. Bride called furious saying that I shouldn't stress about money!!! And that I knew about the weekend for ages (but no finer details such as ones or location until now) and I'd already gotten out of half the weekend which has upset her. I said its really not a lot of time to expect people to get that sort of money together and I would struggle to do this and also pointed out I'm not actually staying both nights but still expected to pay for both so that it doesn't cost others more. I'm really annoyed and have no idea how I'm going to get this money together. This is so unlike my friend to be like this.
I know If I mention the money again she'll go off on one again

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 22/01/2017 09:57

I feel a bit sorry that the bride is involved with this - it should be the MoH organising it.

I would spell out what you've said here. 'I'm sorry that you've arranged accommodation for me for two nights. I have always been clear that I can only make it for one night as it is my father's 50th. I have to budget and this is outside what I can afford. The logistics are getting complicated so I'm going to need to drop out. I hope you guys have a brilliant time and that we can have a night out after you get back. Can't wait to see the photos!'

m0therofdragons · 22/01/2017 09:58

Even if you had lots of money it's rude to assume you want to spend it on this. I married young and lots of my friends were still students so had no money. We went for a nice meal and ran a murder mystery game (just using a cd and maid of honour ran it) and then drinks in the bar til late. Dh went bowling with some mates. Other hen dos I've been to have just been really lovely meals out with silly games we'd planned. Thoughtful and affordable for all. I was invited to butlins once but was breast feeding dd so wasn't possible.

Empress13 · 22/01/2017 09:58

I remember the days when a hen do was a night in a club or perhaps a Spa Day with nice meal afterwards. Nowadays it's a weekend away abroad even ! Totally ridiculous and unrealistic - it's all about it being a big event it just get so competitive with mine is the biggest the best etc.

OP stick to your guns and just go up for the day. TBH I would feel better thinking that five other people have pulled out so it wasn't just me being unreasonable

brasty · 22/01/2017 09:59

If you are good friends with the bride, I would offer to help sort out an alternative that everyone can afford to go to.

pregnantat50 · 22/01/2017 10:00

I live near Brighton and there are much cheaper places to stay. In fact I had a job finding a place that was £360 for 2 nights as basically the £180 is half a double room, most were between £178 and £300 for 2 nights at the end of Feb. I can only guess she has booked this place, which is wonderful but very expensive

www.booking.com/hotel/gb/myhotel-brighton.en-gb.html?aid=304142;label=gen173nr-1FCAEoggJCAlhYSDNiBW5vcmVmaFCIAQGYAS64AQzIARTYAQHoAQH4AQuoAgM;sid=0a8d80fefc1e4c3ddf4f6ae14714fcdd;checkin=2017-02-24;checkout=2017-02-26;ucfs=1;highlighted_blocks=3621602_95158640_0_0_0;all_sr_blocks=3621602_95158640_0_0_0;room1=A,A;hpos=18;dest_type=city;dest_id=-2590884;srfid=26ec237b11de145c949e35996fe1bf5868b61ccdX48;highlight_room=

Iamastonished · 22/01/2017 10:04

Given that 6 of you are now pulling out due to cost perhaps you could organise something like afternoon tea or a meal out in your home town between you for another day to make up for it?

It sounds like the fault lies with the MOH who couldn't get her arse into gear to organise this weekend. Springing those kind of costs on people without giving them enough time to budget is unreasonable.

RandomMcRandomface · 22/01/2017 10:05

Hopefully 6 people pulling out gives the MOH the message!

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 22/01/2017 10:10

No experience of 'big' hen dos - mine was a night out in town complete with net curtain and L plates! Have been invited on a couple which involved weekends away with cocktail making classes etc., costing £££. Have politely declined. A good friend is one who looks at the practicalities of what they are asking for and tailors it to the people they want to invite.

This sounds bonkers. £180 is a lot of money to pay when you are only staying one night and considering that activities, food and drink will presumably be extra.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 22/01/2017 10:15

The guilt piled on women to attend these hen parties is ridiculous.

I was one of SIL's bridesmaids. The hen do was an expensive weekend away with activities and accommodation. SIL and the other hens were fairly well-off women in their 30s; I was a poor 18 year old student. There was no pressure or criticism at all when I said I couldn't go; I can't understand brides and hen parties that kick off.

For my hen do we had pizza hut and went out drinking in a karaoke bar. Some of my friends couldn't come because they were skint; I understood that completely.

I agree with the others, maybe you could help organise something cheaper but still fun, so that more of you can attend?

brasty · 22/01/2017 10:17

I had assumed the cost was £90 per night for your own room, rather than a shared room?

SheldonCRules · 22/01/2017 10:23

As you were upfront about the date clash at the start, she has no reason to complain. If it was already booked and you then changed to the day only etc she could reasonably expect you to pay the agreed costs.

You don't have to go, it's perfectly fine to say no to an invitation.

Brides need to realise if they want an OTT hen night rather than a simple meal with friends then they pay.

It's very common here for the bride and groom to pay the bulk of costs as it's their wedding. Guests shouldn't be expected to fund a wedding that the couple can't afford.

pregnantat50 · 22/01/2017 10:46

possibly Brasty I hadn't considered a single room, I assumed the girls on the hen do would pair up in double rooms

C8H10N4O2 · 22/01/2017 10:49

Don't go, seriously if five other people pulling out at the cost doesn't send a message I have no idea what will.

Hen/Stag events have become ridiculous. They used to be a night out for dinner and the pub, maybe a club. Sometimes a Spa or paintballing session instead if people were not really drinkers.

The fad for overpriced binge weekends (or even weeks) is as absurd as the overpriced binge weddings which go with them.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/01/2017 10:53

What a bridezilla, I woukd seriously reconsider being a BM, thank goodness I stayed a reasonable bride, and my hen was at the local Chineese and a day at Alton Towers organised by me.

Chocolatecake12 · 22/01/2017 10:53

Before you phone the bride could you have a look at possible spa days in your area.
You could then suggest a nice spa day, followed by cocktails and dinner.
All in one day. Then if people cannot afford to do all 3 things they can go to the ones they can afford.

Crowdblundering · 22/01/2017 10:59

This is why I am just going out on the piss for one evening.

It's just not up to anyone else to decide how much money you have or how you spend it.

rollonthesummer · 22/01/2017 11:03

I feel a bit sorry that the bride is involved with this - it should be the MoH organising it.

I actually think it is better if the bride organises it-she knows all her friends and what they can do. The moh sounds crap!

Will you be teaching all week, going to Brighton for a hen night, getting the kids from Bournemouth on Sunday morning, driving to Manchester, driving back to Bournemouth on Sunday night and then back to work on Monday morning?? That's crazy!

Ring the bride now-explain that despite you asking for details, you have only just been told the location of the hen do. It's well over the promised distance of an hour away and it's very expensive. Plus you are being charged for two nights when you can only make one.

The fact that 4/5 others have pulled out already (and you and your friend are considering it) says that you are not being unreasonable.

How many are left that are happy with the plan?

Redlocks28 · 22/01/2017 11:28

Don't go!

brasty · 22/01/2017 11:38

I don't think this is an example of bridezilla at all. It sounds from what the OP said that a date for a weekend away was set some time in advance. At the last minute the MOH who has done nothing, has tried to organise something quickly. Thsi means all the best deals will have already been taken, and the MOH probably had difficulty finding somewhere that would take a hen party, and so many people, at such short notice. Now the bride and MOH are panicking that people are dropping out, and getting angry as a result.

Don't make this into a bigger drama than it need be. Maybe suggest something cheap but fun that you could all do instead. And then offer to help make it special.

KitKat1985 · 22/01/2017 11:41

I think given the travel distance and cost I'd be tempted to pull out to be honest. The logistics of getting to Bournemouth to Brighton and back, and then Bournemouth to Manchester alone for the weekend would be too much for me.

Since several of you have had to pull out, can you contact MoH and ask her to reconsider the plans if she hasn't paid anything yet?

rollonthesummer · 22/01/2017 11:53

Have you rung her?

CosyCoupe88 · 22/01/2017 11:56

Try and remember that at the heart of it all.you probably have a very stressed out bride who is your good friend who just wants to have a great time with her friends and for everyone to be happy :) sounds like the moh hasnt handled thing well. Its absolutely not reasonable for her to call and be grumpy with you.. You've done nohi g wrong. But if I were you I would be as supportive as possible.

I am assuming you have saved up a hunk of money towards this weekend as the things are never that cheap. Maybe talk to hr and just say you have saved bit just a bit taken aback by the cost and coming up with that money at suxh short notice isn't something you can do withpit puttong yourself in a compromised position financially. Ask her what she wants to hapon and if there is anything you can do to make it work ?

IhatchedaSnorlax · 22/01/2017 11:56

That sounds ridiculous. Could you take over the organising to make it closer to home & cheaper for all, so that everyone she has invited can actually attend?

Hope your conversation goes well.

Mumzypopz · 22/01/2017 11:57

Totally agree you shouldn't go, but just wondering when such an onerous task of organising a weekend hen do became the responsibility of the maid of honour? Her role seems to have become massive. Surely some of this responsibility lies with the bride and if she wants a weekend of events as opposed to an evening out the bride should organise this. Totally rude of anyone to expect you to pay over the odds.

yorkshapudding · 22/01/2017 11:58

The whole thing sounds like a bit of a nightmare. I would email/message Bride directly (MOH is clearly useless) something along the lines of

"Dear Bride,

When we were given the dates I was upfront about the fact that I had a family commitment the weekend of your hen. That's why I've been asking MOH for ages where we were going, how much it would cost, what the activities would be etc. Had I known it was going to cost so much for the accommodation and that we would be be going all the way to Brighton, I would have said straight away I wouldn't be able to go. I can't afford to pay £180 for one nights accommodation and travelling from Bournemouth to Brighton, then to Manchester and back to Bournemouth again in the space of a weekend is just not feasible. So I'm sorry but I'm afraid I have to drop out. I hope you have a lovely time."

Don't be guilt-tripped into going along with this nonsense.