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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hen do dramas

339 replies

Sunshinerainbows123 · 22/01/2017 07:39

So I don't think I'm being unreasonable but happy to be corrected!

One of my really good friends (I am a bridesmaid) is getting married this year and the hen do is at the end of Feb. Her maid of honour told me the dates it would be some time ago. I explained that I would have to leave on the Saturday night as it is my dads 50th birthday on the Sunday so obviously can't miss that obviously wouldn't expect the dates to change for me but also can't change the date of my dads birthday. Was told this was fine.
I kept asking if anything needed to be done or if I could help in anyway and the maid of honour said it was all in hand. Kept asking for more details but got nothing back until yesterday. Saying I needed to give bride 180 pounds for accommodation for 2 nights in Brighton! I said that's a lot of money and asked how much the activities would be on top. Bride called furious saying that I shouldn't stress about money!!! And that I knew about the weekend for ages (but no finer details such as ones or location until now) and I'd already gotten out of half the weekend which has upset her. I said its really not a lot of time to expect people to get that sort of money together and I would struggle to do this and also pointed out I'm not actually staying both nights but still expected to pay for both so that it doesn't cost others more. I'm really annoyed and have no idea how I'm going to get this money together. This is so unlike my friend to be like this.
I know If I mention the money again she'll go off on one again

OP posts:

happypoobum · 22/01/2017 12:04

I like the idea of calling bride being sympathetic about the fact so many people cannot attend due to the distance/choice made and suggesting an alternative. Obviously you know your friend best and know how she would react to this.

Or send yorkshas email.

Mumzypopz · 22/01/2017 12:05

Perhaps the maid of honour has been waiting for instructions or decision s from the bride. I should imagine if five have now pulled out it might be cancelled and something more sensibly priced and simpler might be arranged. Don't let her take it out on you, I know you feel obligated because you are a bridesmaid, but at the end if the day, it's an invite not an order to attend.

MissBattleaxe · 22/01/2017 12:15

I think the birde is being an arsehole. You cannot bully people becaue of a hen night. Just because she is getting married, she is not in charge of your money or your weekend. No means no. She is grown woman, not a 6 year old FFS.

It would put me right off a friendship TBH.

Donthate · 22/01/2017 12:18

What a mess. I can see a massively upset bride coming up. Sounds like the moh has messed up

specialsubject · 22/01/2017 12:27

if you can't afford it, that's it. End of. Sweetybumps bridezilla needs to grow up.

if she then chucks the toys, you know how much of a friend she is - none. In which case good riddance.

HyacinthsBucket · 22/01/2017 12:34

To be honest I would contact the MOH and say to her that you just can't afford this, and is there any way she could do something more local and less expensive so that more people can attend? It's about the hen and her friends not the location and given that others have dropped out, it's perfectly acceptable to mention that.

yorkshapudding · 22/01/2017 12:36

I remember when being a bridesmaid was a nice thing. You turned up, had your hair done, put a dress on, had your picture taken and that was that.

Now as weddings and hen do's have become bigger and bigger, it's become a massive stress. I actually dread being asked to be BM now when good friends get engaged. It's not fun anymore, it comes with all this expense and obligation. At one time it was simply a matter of booking a table at a nice restaurant and then all wandering to the nearest nightclub/bar or maybe just a spa day for half a dozen people. Now you're expected to plan (or if not MOH just attend) lavish events lasting up to a week, possibly abroad, and the numbers of women who are invited get higher and higher which means the organising accomodation and trying to please everyone when it comes to budgets, activities etc gets more and more tricky.

It's a complete fucking ball ache.

Chloe84 · 22/01/2017 12:51

I would be very careful committing to the activities. They could be just as expensive as the accommodation.

Can't believe she wanted to charge you £180 for 1 night so that others wouldn't pay more.

IMissGrannyW · 22/01/2017 13:37

Think there's some brilliant advice on here. I hope the conversation goes well, OP and that there is a resolution without people becoming too upset.

yorkshapudding · 22/01/2017 14:00

I would be very careful committing to the activities. They could be just as expensive as the accommodation

This. Especially as you don't even know what the activities are yet! Plus you would still have to travel from Bournemouth to Brighton, back to Bournemouth and then to Manchester in one weekend. That's going to be expensive and potentially pretty stressful.

sonyaya · 22/01/2017 14:19

MOH has let the bride down here. I bet bride is embarrassed her hen do has turned political.

YANBU though. I can't believe anyone would expect a commitment to attend a hen do without having told them where it is and how much it will cost.

SusanneLinder · 22/01/2017 14:47

Jeez, hen do's are getting ridiculous! Last one I was at was a day of activities, including dinner and drinks and people could join in at the parts of the day they could manage/ afford. For those who wanted to join in the whole day, we saved up for a few months before so that we didn't have to pay a shitload out at last minute, and it wasn't anything like £180!

Original poster

Sunshinerainbows123 · 22/01/2017 14:49

What a fucking mess. I think I'm going to have to just go and try and get the money together. Spoke to the bride and she is really upset she wasn't aware that MoH had kept everyone so in the dark she just thought it was her that knew nothing as she thought MoH was surprising her.
What I can make out from my friend (bride) is that MoH said that everyone agreed (complete lie) on this big house in Brighton and that she needed bride to put down a 500 pound deposit to secure it so she did so on her credit card.
This now makes more sense as to why I have to pay for two nights. However now people are dropping out the prices are getting higher and higher and the bride will lose her deposit if we don't use the accommodation booked. MoH hasn't organised any activities yet as apparently she was too busy with the accommodation planning even though it's obvious to everyone that she's actually just told everyone it was in hand and in reality done absolutely nothing until the last minute and got bride to book something in a panic.
I'm even more stressed about it all now. I offered so many times to help plan this but was told help wasn't needed every time! I am not friends with MoH and she has gone of the radar and left bride to deal with the fallout from everyone else involved.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 22/01/2017 14:54

I think I'd be brutal and still say I couldn't go for it at all. How on earth are you going to get to Manchester from Brighton? Just drive? That's mad, I do the Manchester-London route so often and it's a killer going across country, let alone add any distance from London to Brighton. Sunday afternoon return won't be fun, either.

This is not your problem, it's very unfortunate for the bride, but it's the MoH's problem and hers. I know it's hard, but you aren't responsible.

wictional · 22/01/2017 14:55

I hope the moh has been demoted and charged!!!

MakeMyWineADouble · 22/01/2017 15:01

I get wanting to support your friend but I would think long and hard befor you go the accommodation is expensive add on to that taxis into town activities and nights out. With people dropping out I would be surprised if you get much change out of £400 to be honest it will probably be more. I wouldn't pay that for a night the maid of honour is in the wrong be honest with your friends and let her sort it out.

rookiemere · 22/01/2017 15:02

Don't you stress about it.

MoH lied and panicked therefore she should refund bride and if she ends up £500 out of pocket as a result then that is her problem not yours.

Thing is if you agree now and more people drop out then you'll have to pay more than the already extortionate £180.

LivininaBox · 22/01/2017 15:03

If your friend booked online there is usually a cooling off period - might be able to cancel?

CosyCoupe88 · 22/01/2017 15:10

Plan needs to change. Moh needs to reimburse bride

Underthemoonlight · 22/01/2017 15:10

I didn't attend my MoH hen do her moh was crap arranging and organising travel and reasonable priced hotels. It was last minute and everyone was paired up minus me. The cost of the hotel a basic travel lodge was 120. I asked if my friend could come to share the costs as she loved Leeds as she was a student there and as was up for a night out but moh didn't want anyone she didn't know well so I ended up pulling out citing the costs were too high this was before considering travel, outfit which was 80s theme, activities and spending money we did fall out after her SIL her was stiring trouble saying I was just jealsous. Moh has been NC with her SIL over 3years now.

When it came to my hen do it was organised well inadvanced there was no pressure to come and budgets discussed. We secured cheap accommodation and travel and some joined in the surprise activity some didn't. Some people pulled out prior to attending and that was fine totally there choice one was even my moh. I also recognised that not everyone knew each other well and had different friendship groups so they brought a friend with them. I wanted them to enjoy themselves.

If you can't afford the costs than be honest don't try and skint yourself the person here to blame is the moh.

Lovewineandchocs · 22/01/2017 15:12

Oh no, what a mess! I think the best thing would be for your friend to cancel the whole thing and try to get her money back. Then you and your friend can rearrange something more affordable. I'd sack the MOH if I were her, that's dreadful behaviour! I know you feel awful for your friend as the MOH has handled this whole thing disgracefully-but there's no point in throwing good money after bad. I think it would feel very rushed and you wouldn't enjoy it. I'd try and help the bride get her deposit back rather than going to something you will struggle to afford and probably won't enjoy.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 22/01/2017 15:15

All of my friends are in their 40s and 50s so I've never been exposed to these daft hen and stag weekend shenanigans.

A nice meal out somewhere ... wtf is wrong with that?

People are going to be forking out to attend the wedding, why make them pay out even more on a non-traditional add-on?

rollonthesummer · 22/01/2017 15:28

What a fucking mess. I think I'm going to have to just go and try and get the money together.

I absolutely wouldn't do this-I reckon it'll end up just you, the moh and the bride and you'll have to split the whole cost three ways.

If the deposit is £500-what is the whole cost?!

Your petrol bill from Bournemouth-Brighton-Bournemouth-Manchester-Bournemouth is going to be monumental let alone the cost of drinks/food/special treats for the bride etc

AChickenCalledKorma · 22/01/2017 15:33

The bride's issue is with the person who persuaded her to pay out £500 under false pretences. If the cost is escalating, you need to be one of the people that has pulled out, not one of the people that ends up mopping up the damage.

Especially as you never said you were available for the whole weekend in the first place. You are in a stronger position to refuse to pay than anyone else - don't be the one that ends up carrying the can.

Insomnibrat · 22/01/2017 15:34

I really hate it when weddings turn into an exercise in everyone having to jump through increasingly higher hoops to demonstrate their loyalty.
If Brides cared about their family and friends they'd make it as easy and accessible for as many of their loved ones to attend as possible, not as awkward, and then get all foot stampy about it. fume

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