Hen do dramas

[Sunshinerainbows123]

So I don't think I'm being unreasonable but happy to be corrected!

One of my really good friends (I am a bridesmaid) is getting married this year and the hen do is at the end of Feb. Her maid of honour told me the dates it would be some time ago. I explained that I would have to leave on the Saturday night as it is my dads 50th birthday on the Sunday so obviously can't miss that obviously wouldn't expect the dates to change for me but also can't change the date of my dads birthday. Was told this was fine.
I kept asking if anything needed to be done or if I could help in anyway and the maid of honour said it was all in hand. Kept asking for more details but got nothing back until yesterday. Saying I needed to give bride 180 pounds for accommodation for 2 nights in Brighton! I said that's a lot of money and asked how much the activities would be on top. Bride called furious saying that I shouldn't stress about money!!! And that I knew about the weekend for ages (but no finer details such as ones or location until now) and I'd already gotten out of half the weekend which has upset her. I said its really not a lot of time to expect people to get that sort of money together and I would struggle to do this and also pointed out I'm not actually staying both nights but still expected to pay for both so that it doesn't cost others more. I'm really annoyed and have no idea how I'm going to get this money together. This is so unlike my friend to be like this.
I know If I mention the money again she'll go off on one again

I think people don't just magically turn bonkers about their wedding. Hens and weddings do, however, unmask some real ME-ME-ME people who went a bit under the radar as gregarious or a little needy. As soon as they think they have carte blanche to make ridiculous demands, they really go for it. A week's income to celebrate her hen? Gimme, gimme, gimme! £200 wedding gift? Me, me, me! Dust yourself down and in time you'll be glad to be out of this madness. The christenings and anniversaries you need to pay for are looming as are the ridiculous babysitting and kid's present demands.

I broke off contact after extreme bridezillaism before and in my experience, zilla's circle is usually smaller and not as close after the carnage.

I have a theory about weddings. It gives some people the fantasy of being a celeb and living the 'Hello' lifestyle for a little while. This is stretched out to hen do's, so the importance of having an entourage to fuel this fantasy is key. It becomes an obsession in popularity and being the centre of attention. Ego takes over and the true meaning is lost in the quest for pictures to post on social media to tell the world how great you are.

The stark reality is that most people are not celebrities and don't have a vast wealth to make these grand events happen. Instead they try to draw in those around them to finance this fantasy.

I think the whole special day thing has gone to a new level, mostly fuelled by the wedding industry and the social media culture we live in.

Obviously not everyone is like this but it's definitely on the rise.

When I got married over a decade ago we all met up, had a few drinks, went to a chain restaurant, then on to the town after. There was none of this whole weekend away affair at all.
I was going to say I agree with Dacre, but you've more or less done that and she's still being unreasonable. People haven't dropped out because of you, but I'm sure MoH put that seed of thought into her head.
With food and drink alone you'd be looking at £300 then another £100 for activities, not to mention travel. Who in their right mind has circa £400 to blow on a weekend away after Christmas. That's almost a months mortgage or rent if you rent your property.
Still send a card, as a gesture of goodwill. Are the others banned from the wedding too?

She needs someone to blame for the dropouts. It cant be the MOH because then the b2b needs to admit that she fucked up allowing MOH free rein. It obviously isnt her as she is the bride so it must be you for setting the precedent of not going, even though others had done it first.

She knows it isnt your fault, deep down. But she will never admit it so save yourself the hassle and write this friendship off as it will never recover.

That sucks OP. What's sad is she'll look back on her hen do and it'll just be littered with broken friendships.

I dont get the need for crazy hen dos and fancy accompdatiom to sleep of tequila in. I booked a backpackers hostel and anyone to princess to stay there could sort thselves out (knewy out of towners wouldn't mind the accommodation). Think it was 15 pp! Meal on the night, club for dancing. Daytime optional activity was ballet which was weird but I didn't book it! Thank god I have sensible friends as I've never encountered the craziness on this thread!!

Bride is completely out of order.

Unbelievable! My MOH has just booked my hen do all you can eat Chinese £15 each plus drinks.
It's perfect for me and my guests
I really don't understand having weekends away for a hen night

This is a really sad thread - falling out over something which is supposed to be a happy event.
I would go and see the bride - messaging is not a good way to resolve this sort of problem.

Wow.

I would text "Bridezilla, I'm done. You have clearly lost your way if you think you get to tell other people how to budget, save and spend their money and time. I think you will look back someday and regret how unreasonable you've been and how you've thrown away a good friendship over your self-centered behavior. You can only hope I'll still be open to an apology when you do."

I agree with PP. Being the centre of attention has allowed you to see beneath the veil (so to speak) and it's not pretty.

I'd put this down to experience if I were you. Especially as she's now blaming you for the things that aren't quite going the way that she wants.

My NY resolution was to detach myself from certain drama llamas and toxic people in my life. So far it's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I suggest that you do the same.

This thread is scary. I've never encountered this kind of hen do-went on a hen weekend last year and going on another one this year, both under £100 (and could have only done parts and spent less if needed). Budgets and activities were laid out clearly and agreed well in advance so people had plenty of time to decide if they could come/afford it and which parts they wanted to join.

I think it's unreasonable to not give people a rough cost and plan (or at least location) at least a few months in advance to allow them to budget and make arrangements. Then a lot of this angst could be avoided! Hens dos should be fun (and not obligatory to attend), not stress and debt.

It seems to me that the Bride is mis-directing her anger to you OP when it should be the MoH - or quite frankly herself.

I deliberately didn't let anyone arrange my hen do's (yes I had 2 but will explain) because I wanted to make sure they didn't get out of control.

We all went to a day spa followed by an evening in a lovely local restaurant with "everyone". No need for major travel and accommodation. Meal in a private dining room so we didn't annoy other patrons of the restaurant by being noisy and then a weeks skiing in France.

On the skiing I paid for my MoH to go (didn't make that public) and just told everyone else that she and I were going skiing and anyone was welcome to join or not if they wanted (along with dates/prices) but I appreciated it was a) very expensive and b) skiing isn't everyone's "thing"' c) people couldn't necessarily spend the time off work. In other words it was totally voluntary and whilst I'd very much welcome others coming I had no expectation that they would (in the end 4 of us went).

It just seems that hen do's get out of control. Yes it's a big thing for the bride, but not really for everyone else. Bankrupting your friends isn't a nice way to celebrate your wedding.

DH has been invited to stag dos costing thousands (think vegas type events). Whilst we are fortunate to be able to afford it, the truth is he didn't want to spend money going to a place he didn't like and losing a weeks holiday in the process.

I think you are right to wash your hands of it OP. It's really sad to have lost a friendship over but it's really the brides fault not yours.

She really should have taken up your offer to "start again" with the planning and arrange something that people could/wanted/were able to attend.

Gosh when I had my hen we all went to a restaurant, had a lovely meal and then those that wanted to go to clubs etc could. I know you are upset about a lost friendship but you just don't need that type of person in your life. Xx

I actually think a hen night for £15 plus drinks is fabulous. It will be remembered for the fun, not the tantrums and the hole in the budget. Unlike the £500 ones, this one has a good chance of having all of the good friends there not just a mix of those who can be bullied or whined into it plus the rich ones.

It just seems that hen do's get out of control. Yes it's a big thing for the bride, but not really for everyone else. Bankrupting your friends isn't a nice way to celebrate your wedding.

Exactly.

Real friends don't do this to friends.

I think people are

a) having the wrong type of hen do's
and
b) having them in the wrong part of the UK.

Some time ago Mr Flappy and I were having a pint North of the Border and trying not to look too much like sassenachs in a pub full of "see-you-jimmy" type young men, when a hand party came in.

It was about 7.30 and they were already pished. One of them started going round the customers in the bar with a jam jar into which everyone put a fiver or so, while the others decided what they wanted to drink. I noticed that all of the men put their money in the jar, rapidly necked their pints, and disappeared. The girls had one drink each (cocktails with about 30 shorts in each by the look of things) and then staggered out to the next place, whereupon the blokes all came back in.

Apparently it is customary in Scotland to sub hen parties in this way, and the blokes keep out of the way because none of them want to end up having their kecks (and more) pulled off them and be left maked below the waist as the girls and their clothing disappear ntothe night!

Now THAT'S how a hen party should be conducted!

*hen party - not hand party

This autocorrect seems determined to humiliate me at every turn. (It is rather Freudian though, isn't it ?)

I notice there are a further 300 typos.

Sorry.

I think the biggest issue is people trying to constantly out do each other on the lavishness of the occasion and forgetting it's all about friendship (and thus inclusiveness) and wishing the bride well for her forthcoming marriage.

One hen do I attended, it was obvious most people like me were there under duress. Doing something we didn't want to and having had to pay for the "privilege" finding out that we'd paid to subsidise not only the bride but the MOH, MOB and MOG when we got there didn't help the mood.

Like a PP said - it's a "party"'but one you are expecting other people to fund. As such you need to be prepared to get people's input and be reasonable about cost.

I don't think it's a case of "aren't I AMAZING because my hen do was low key and cheap". Nothing wrong at all with a lavish affair as long as you're upfront about it and no one is pressured to attend. It's sad that hen do invitations often do feel like a summons (moreso then wedding invitations in my experience) and so politics ensue.

Happy I think your device is trying to tell you something!

I think it's also to do with age-and-stage. If the bride and cohort have just graduated and are just starting out in work, everyone's likely to be quite short of the dosh. If the bride and cohort have been working for a while and don't have kids yet, then they're likely to have more disposable income. If the bride/cohort do have children, they'll have less money, less time and be more exhausted. It's about where you are in your life stage to an extent.
One of my cousins had a hen abroad, but she's a very high flyer, earns loads of dosh and so do most of her mates. She understood I couldn't afford to attend and didn't expect me to. But it was a drop in the ocean to them, so they had a lovely week's holiday and were all gorgeous and tanned for the Big Day.

One hen do I attended, it was obvious most people like me were there under duress.

Yes, EatsShitAndLeaves I sat in central London awkwardly sticking my feet into ice cold tanks full of fucking fish in the hope they would eat my callouses without infecting me with God knows what the last hen party suffered from. In the company of 10 women who didn't know me or each other desperately trying to do small talk.

Pax

I'm not sure what's worse - fishy feet or a weekend bloody golfing especially when I don't play and like other "hens" spent most of the time waiting around for the keen golfers Bride/MoH/MOB/MOG getting a free golfing holiday.

That's why hen parties end up such carnage. How else are you going to survive, so everyone gets really pissed really quickly so the embarrassing activity, mortgage sized bill and 15 unknown co-hens are forgotten. Until the pictures of drunk, dressed up strangers doing weird expensive stuff appear on social media.