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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do dramas

339 replies

Sunshinerainbows123 · 22/01/2017 07:39

So I don't think I'm being unreasonable but happy to be corrected!

One of my really good friends (I am a bridesmaid) is getting married this year and the hen do is at the end of Feb. Her maid of honour told me the dates it would be some time ago. I explained that I would have to leave on the Saturday night as it is my dads 50th birthday on the Sunday so obviously can't miss that obviously wouldn't expect the dates to change for me but also can't change the date of my dads birthday. Was told this was fine.
I kept asking if anything needed to be done or if I could help in anyway and the maid of honour said it was all in hand. Kept asking for more details but got nothing back until yesterday. Saying I needed to give bride 180 pounds for accommodation for 2 nights in Brighton! I said that's a lot of money and asked how much the activities would be on top. Bride called furious saying that I shouldn't stress about money!!! And that I knew about the weekend for ages (but no finer details such as ones or location until now) and I'd already gotten out of half the weekend which has upset her. I said its really not a lot of time to expect people to get that sort of money together and I would struggle to do this and also pointed out I'm not actually staying both nights but still expected to pay for both so that it doesn't cost others more. I'm really annoyed and have no idea how I'm going to get this money together. This is so unlike my friend to be like this.
I know If I mention the money again she'll go off on one again

OP posts:
Tikky · 22/01/2017 17:33

BTW booking a house without confirming it with friends is beyond bonkers.

Littletabbyocelot · 22/01/2017 17:39

I think because you count her as a good friend & because MOH has done an awful thing, I'd pull out but offer bride the money I'd budgeted for her deposit. The main reason I'd spend £180 on a hen do would be because I loved someone & wanted to celebrate with them so helping out would make sense. For all the reasons around spiralling costs & insane travel I wouldn't go.

croon979 · 22/01/2017 17:55

I agree with everyone else's comments, you need to step in to stop costs spiralling.. Really awkward for you though and I hope this doesn't cause a fall out. It shouldn't but the MOH sounds a piece of work.

KitKat1985 · 22/01/2017 18:14

Oh dear OP. MoH has really fucked up here hasn't she? Has anyone confirmed they are coming?

rollonthesummer · 22/01/2017 18:16

Is the MoH a good friend-she doesn't sound like the sort of person I'd put in charge of organising anything!

Original poster
Sunshinerainbows123 · 22/01/2017 18:37

Well I tried to get an idea of cost and have still not been told anything when I offered to help (take over) planning this caused major offence to my friend (bride) who said MoH was doing her best. This then caused me to get increasingly more frustrated and said count me out of the accommodation then as I do not have a pot of never ending money and if she wanted me to do activities but not tell me how much they are I can't confirm to anything. She then said she needed to process what I had said as she's extremely hurt.
Really do fear this is going to cause a major fall out.

I'm going to let her cool down and leave her for a couple of days.
My other friend who called earlier said she's pulling out as its too far away and she was told it would be closer. I don't know anyone else going very well just know from bride 5 others have said its too expensive. She thinks were all unreasonable and that its a good price.
Did not think a hen do could cause so much stress.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshinerainbows123 · 22/01/2017 18:38

Also MoH told bride is refused to help and she was left on her own! Complete liar and I have texts to prove so! I'm so annoyed with her!

OP posts:
IhatchedaSnorlax · 22/01/2017 18:41

You're doing the right thing by pulling out - unless you've a pot of never ending money, this would end up costing a fortune & youd resent the bride & moh anyway.

Hopefully the bride will realise she's asking too much & the friendship will be sorted.

sonyaya · 22/01/2017 18:48

I felt a bit sorry for the bride till I read your latest update.

I actually disagree with those saying "not your problem" - it isn't your problem or your fault, but she is your friend. Do what you can for her while she is in a tight spot would be my usual advice as I don't think saying fuck off and sort it out yourself as it's nothing to do with me is very supportive.

But she sounds like a spoilt and entitled nightmare to be fair so I'd be rethinking the friendship. Is she normally like this, or is she just stressed?

Original poster
Sunshinerainbows123 · 22/01/2017 18:58

She's not normally like this at all. She's been really chilled about the wedding up until now. I do think it's because she's stressed and worried about losing deposit money and too many people pulling out. I did say on the phone if we pull out now then it's only £30 each to get out of the accommodation and start again but she said there's no point me doing any planning as I can't do the Sunday which I know is true I'm not a busy person so am normally free but just can't do that Sunday.
Think I need to just not do anything and see what friend (bride) says once she calmed down.

OP posts:
croon979 · 22/01/2017 19:09

Some may disagree but, if it was me, I would try and speak to MOH again and reason with her.

Tweedledee3Tweedledum · 22/01/2017 19:17

She is being unreasonable to expect you to just provide this money at a moments notice.

Her wedding does not give her the right to assume everyone should be playing to her tune, regardless of the other persons circumstances.

Be clear in your response regarding what you can and cannot do. If bride is unwilling to accept that, then you cannot go.

EweAreHere · 22/01/2017 19:26

If it would only cost £30 per head to pay off the £500 deposit and start over, closer to home, with something smaller, that means you only had about 13 guests plus bride to begin with? And at your last count, including you, 7 are pulling out due to location/costs? And yet the bride thinks over half of her party group are 'unreasonable', as she is a better judge of how to spend your money than 7 of her friends?

Nuts.

I hope she comes to her senses or she's not going to have any friends at her wedding.

TreeTop7 · 22/01/2017 19:26

I agree that you should back out, and leave the bride and MoH to sort out the £500. Perhaps you and the other friend (the one with the disabled DC) could offer to take her for dinner/cocktails in Southampton or somewhere equally convenient.

sonyaya · 22/01/2017 19:37

Honestly OP, if she's refused your offer to contribute £30 to get out of the deposit, and help plan something more affordable and local, I think you have made reasonable efforts to help out and not just leave her in the lurch.

Your suggestion of paying the £180 and not going is above and beyond the call of duty. Possibly though to be extra nice you could say you'll go along for one night as planned but £180 is the max you can contribute regardless of final numbers?

I think it's really nice you are trying to support your friend and not just washing your hands of the problem. The entire thing is making me wince and I cannot believe how badly the MOH has fucked this up.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/01/2017 19:41

Well after her attitude that it isnt that expensive and YABU I wouldnt offer her anything else! She wants to carry on with this mess then let her, but I wouldnt offer an alternative or to help with any planning.

coconutpie · 22/01/2017 20:10

Don't be taken for a mug. It is not your problem that they put a £500 deposit on without checking with everybody else first. Stick to your guns and do not attend. Don't let them bully or guilt you into spending money which you do not have.

MakeMyWineADouble · 22/01/2017 20:16

I would definitely back right off let them sort out the mess themselves. Maybe tomorrow when things have calmed a bit You should screen shot and send the texts where you offered to help the Moh partly to clear your name and partly so the bride has all the facts then it's up to her what she does apart from that stay well out of it I get she's probably disappointed and hurt but lashing out and her friends who haven't done anything wrong is out of order

CosyCoupe88 · 22/01/2017 20:32

This is crazy.

DartmoorDoughnut · 22/01/2017 20:40

You tried your best, walk away with a clear conscience Flowers

CosyCoupe88 · 22/01/2017 20:49

Yes I would be walking away from this now. "Hope you manage to work it out. Sorry I can't make it. Enjoy!"

rollonthesummer · 22/01/2017 20:57

Oh, I felt sorry for the bride until your last update. Get out now.

robinofsherwood · 22/01/2017 21:03

Like pp all sympathy gone now.

yorkshapudding · 22/01/2017 21:08

She thinks were all unreasonable and that its a good price

But you still haven't actually been told the price yet! You know how much the deposit was (now) and you were originally told £180 for the room but no doubt that will have gone up now more people have dropped out. You still don't know how much you're going to be expected to spend on activities. You actually have no idea how much this whole mess is going to end up costing you personally so for the Bride to continue to insist it's a "good price" is crazy.

This isn't your mess, it's for the Bride and the MoH to sort out between them but you've tried to help because you're clearly a good friend. The Bride has basically thrown that back in your face. I get that she's stressed but to say she's "extremely hurt" because you won't commit to an event that you don't even have a rough idea of the costings for is ridiculous. She needs to get a grip or she will end up losing friends over this.

Maverickismywingman · 22/01/2017 21:12

All this "you should go along with whatever hen because you'll let me down and I'm so stressed" gets a bit tiresome.

If people are backing out, and it's clearly not just the OP, then they need to address why. Obviously costing is an issue. So the bride and MOH need to decide whether a stay at home hen with lots of friends or an away hen with few friends is the priority.

It's out of your hands OP. FWIW I think you've done all the right things for you

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