Hen do dramas

[Sunshinerainbows123]

So I don't think I'm being unreasonable but happy to be corrected!

One of my really good friends (I am a bridesmaid) is getting married this year and the hen do is at the end of Feb. Her maid of honour told me the dates it would be some time ago. I explained that I would have to leave on the Saturday night as it is my dads 50th birthday on the Sunday so obviously can't miss that obviously wouldn't expect the dates to change for me but also can't change the date of my dads birthday. Was told this was fine.
I kept asking if anything needed to be done or if I could help in anyway and the maid of honour said it was all in hand. Kept asking for more details but got nothing back until yesterday. Saying I needed to give bride 180 pounds for accommodation for 2 nights in Brighton! I said that's a lot of money and asked how much the activities would be on top. Bride called furious saying that I shouldn't stress about money!!! And that I knew about the weekend for ages (but no finer details such as ones or location until now) and I'd already gotten out of half the weekend which has upset her. I said its really not a lot of time to expect people to get that sort of money together and I would struggle to do this and also pointed out I'm not actually staying both nights but still expected to pay for both so that it doesn't cost others more. I'm really annoyed and have no idea how I'm going to get this money together. This is so unlike my friend to be like this.
I know If I mention the money again she'll go off on one again

Sorry it has all blown up OP. What has been said in what's app? Are other people complaining?

Just don't go, apologise profusely but put the emphasis on how short notice it all is. Surely the maid of honour should have OK'd dates with everyone initially or was it just decided it was this weekend & that's that? When were you told the dates, was that last minute too? If that's the case they will be lucky anyone shows up at all. You can't just spring something as huge & costly as a hen do on people & expect them to turn up.

The bride is digging a grave for her own enjoyment of her hen/ wedding/friendships at this rate. She won't just lose her hen extravaganza

frostypop

Wow. I think the term Bridezilla is overused but your friend sounds like a dick.

Good luck with the pregnancy

Really sorry to hear your last update op. It sounds really crap for you. Sounds like an excellent idea to stand back and stay calm ( I would be feeling very upset if I was in your shoes too.)

Try not to worry, you are not the only one who is finding this situation crazy.

If you are stressed by this then I am sure the bride is too. Given what she told you I can see how she is upset, but it it not your fault. As others have said contact her in a few days. Remind her she is a good friend and you would hope not to lose her over this.

Good luck- sounds like you will need it! Keep us posted.

Couldn't you all just go for a nice Mexican...?

How many people are still up for going along? I am guessing hardly any as it is so expensive. But you are made to feel guilty as you are bridesmaid, so should be there no matter what. Even though you said all along you had a commitment on the Sunday......
Fingers crossed it can be resolved before the big day itself.

I don't blame you for pulling out.. There will be a lot of others pulling out .Asking for £180 is a lot of money to pull out the hat and that is just for accommodation and it is obviously going to increase with people dropping out

I would screenshot the convo with MoH where you've offered to help and let bride see it. It's totally unreasonable what she's asking of you so late in the day.

She is being unreasonable . I empathise with you as was a bridesmaid once and was asked to pay for my own dress and 2 hen weekends (1 was abroad ) and was 1300 quid worse off for it . While I sound tightfisted about it she was also mean about my young daughter and didn't invite her to the wedding . Who needs enemies really !

I really feel for you op as I'd be feeling the same. I would be tempted to lay out the facts in a message bullet point style for your friend to see easily where it has all gone wrong. She has possibly been told by the moh that folk had confirmed the dates/cost and that is why she forked out the £500 in first place, so the moh def has answers to give. They simply cannot expect people to contribute to ever increasing accommodation costs as others pull out. That is aside from your tour of England you are willing to do for her to still be there!
I hope she comes to her senses when she cools off.

Some brides really need to get a clue that their 'special' day and increasingly financially and emotionally demanding series of celebratory days leading up to it isn't supposed to be this huge burden on all those closest to them and certainly not worth losing friends over. Expectations are set so high, why? Where do people get off forcing friends to jump through exorbitant financial and logistical life-rearranging hoops like these for a hen party? I don't remember any of my friends ever behaving like this, we'd get together, set a budget everyone involved could meet, tailor the occasion accordingly and have a bloody good time even if all we could afford was a boozy pub crawl through town or a girly pamper night in on the wine watching crappy chick flicks. I can't believe anyone needs to suffer all this crap to prove to a bride how much they care.

Sorry OP, but this whole thing is just wrong, none of this fiasco is your fault or doing as far as I can see. You don't need a friend so spoilt and entitled that she would claim your friendship is ruined because you refuse to participate in such a mismanaged farce of an event.

I agree Splendor. What is wrong with people nowadays?

Bar-restaurant-nightclub-taxi-bye. Sorted. It is simple and enjoyable. If that isn't your bag, afternoon tea and manicures or something.

Stretching it all out over a weekend somewhere far away with 'activities' (bleargh) at five times the budget doesn't increase the fun. Far from it.

Time for a mass boycott of expensive hen do's?

Maybe someone should start a FB campaign or something. 'One good night out is enough!'
Seems to me that they have got completely out of hand. . God knows just attending a wedding can be expensive enough.

SplendorSolis you've just said everything I feel about hen dos. I may actually love you!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER yes to the campaign! You should start a thread asking for campaign names!!

What an arse! It really annoys me when people don't give full details and say 'it's all in hand'. Surely you wanted to have some input as a bridesmaid. And the money thing is such a ridiculous comment. How can someone not stress about the money. I want to k ow what my money is being spent on before I hand it over. A few yers ago when I had two tots and we had little money my good friend's hen do was planned by well meaning bridesmaids. I ended up already felung left out because I had to get the train to London for one day when they all spent 2 nights and then followed them around to their planned and paud for dance activity and then followed them back to the hotel for them to all go and get ready for their night out. Wish I hadn't bothered as I coukd have spent the money on my kids. My hen do was a pizza followd by drinks in my local town!

Tell her to piss off,
You're only staying one night, so you don't pay for 2. Not your fault if it increases everyone's prices that they have to pay.
Do you know what really pisses me off? All this hen do crap.
How brides feel the need to drag everyone else into their excessive spending because of their wedding.
Just because they are getting married it doesn't mean that other people are happy to pay stupid amounts. You could have gone away on holiday for an all inclusive for the week for the price it's costing.
It's ridiculous.

Ive been through this too! Had to pay over £200 just for accomodation for 1 night and towards the deposit for a meal - chief bridesmaid actually called me on Christmas Day and asked me to transfer it immediately!!! Yeah because we all have a spare £200 lurking about at Christmas when you have kids!!! I missed the Saturday daytime activities (which should have cost me £100 ish) as Id just given birth and was made to feel a bit left out when I got there. I spent a further £60 on the Saturday evening meal then drinks cost on top and then left early on the Sunday to get home to my newborn and to miss 'brunch' at a hugely expensive restaurant which would have been a further £50 at least. Bride also arranged her wedding 200 miles from where both she and all of us live and said my newborn daughter couldnt come!! Eventually she allowed my daughter to come but again, petrol costs and hotel costs were extortionate. I will never ever go on a hen do ever again. Totally ruined the idea for me and when I am getting married, I'll probably just go on a spa day with my mum and sister!

I've recently turned down a hendo of a very good friend, abroad for 4 night, accommodation £320, flights £150. So almost £500 before meals, drinks, flights, transfers, taxis, new clothes. I just couldn't do it. She understands but I think it's too much to ask.

Just read the whole thread, OP I would do as was said upthread, send an email bullet pointing every stage of your dealings with MoH, including dates. It will be blatantly obvious that she is the one at fault here.

Have to be honest, if that was me I would not be going. Too much travelling. Southampton>Brighton>Southampton>Manchester>Southampton and back to school on Monday. And be £££ lighter too. No thanks. You'll be far too tired to enjoy the celebrations on Sunday.

Hoping you have a lovely time at your Dads

Sorry OP substitute Bournemouth for Southampton, I've got confused along the way!

£180 is massive for a hen do! I would be able to afford that! Explain to your friend, and see if there is a way you can compromise. I had to organise my sister's Hen last July and it was only £50 (trampolining, then dinner) my sister's other bridesmaids moaned and whined about it being too much, so i cancelled dinner. Not having anything to do between the afternoon and drinks in the evening, I set off to my mum's to get ready to go out... And the other bridesmaids took my sister out for a meal. My sister was quite nasty when she got back because I didn't go to the meal, until I pointed out that I had booked a table at her favourite restaurant, which I'd had to cancel due to the pressure of the other BMS.... And they'd not invited me to the other meal. At the local 'spoons.

I'm never organising another Hen do. Ever.

OMG what is it with 'hen do's ' ....I got married a couple of years ago (2) and a group of my friends and i met in the local park when there was music on. We all brought picnic food, lots of bubbly and had a wonderful day in the sun. People came and went as they could, acquaintances and friends of friends turned up and everyone had a blast. No pressure, no fuss and not to onerous on anyones pocket. People still talk about it now as being one of the best days/eveinings out they have had.

I struggle to get my head around the hugely expensive, very regimented days/weekends/weeks holiday that causes pressure and stress for all.
Your suggestion of £30 each to offset the deposit was lovely.....just walk away and -come back and fill us in on the WhatsApp drama- don't get involved.

How are things now? Has the bride calmed down?