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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hen do dramas

339 replies

Sunshinerainbows123 · 22/01/2017 07:39

So I don't think I'm being unreasonable but happy to be corrected!

One of my really good friends (I am a bridesmaid) is getting married this year and the hen do is at the end of Feb. Her maid of honour told me the dates it would be some time ago. I explained that I would have to leave on the Saturday night as it is my dads 50th birthday on the Sunday so obviously can't miss that obviously wouldn't expect the dates to change for me but also can't change the date of my dads birthday. Was told this was fine.
I kept asking if anything needed to be done or if I could help in anyway and the maid of honour said it was all in hand. Kept asking for more details but got nothing back until yesterday. Saying I needed to give bride 180 pounds for accommodation for 2 nights in Brighton! I said that's a lot of money and asked how much the activities would be on top. Bride called furious saying that I shouldn't stress about money!!! And that I knew about the weekend for ages (but no finer details such as ones or location until now) and I'd already gotten out of half the weekend which has upset her. I said its really not a lot of time to expect people to get that sort of money together and I would struggle to do this and also pointed out I'm not actually staying both nights but still expected to pay for both so that it doesn't cost others more. I'm really annoyed and have no idea how I'm going to get this money together. This is so unlike my friend to be like this.
I know If I mention the money again she'll go off on one again

OP posts:
Babybeesmama · 24/01/2017 20:03

OP I feel so sorry for you! Stuck in the middle & taking the sh*t for something that isn't your fault!

I had an issue in summer as had my 2 best friends getting married(I was bridesmaid for both) so 2 hen dos in 2 weekends! One was chilled & The 3 bridesmaids did it together, was cheap & fab.. other the MOH never bothered to ask what anyone's budget was & basically wanted £160 off people for accommodation & then chucked a hissy fit when people asked why so expensive & wanted to know other costs involved... naturally people need to know to budget. She refused to let any of us have any input, especially me for some reason. Eventually We convinced her to book cheaper accommodation.. but she was still pissed off some people only did 1 night - I was like ffs people have children, financial problems & other commitments! She took it personally against the bride (her sister!). She was also about to book hair & make up pre night out for the bride & bridesmaids without even asking if this was ok.. it was £75 pp!!!! In the end we all said no.

I don't get why people organise stuff without asking people's budgets first? You can't just spend other people's money can you!

Somehow I think these things bring out the worst in people!

You've done nothing wrong whatsoever.. and your friend will realise that eventually I'm sure. Hope it all works out. X

croon979 · 25/01/2017 07:49

I hope things have settled down OP and there isn't a big falling out over this.

MissHemsworth · 25/01/2017 09:08

I'm going on a hen do later this year, it's going to cost about £600, probably means we won't get a family holiday this year.

paxillin · 25/01/2017 09:39

My favourite ever hen do was at a lovely pub. For the price of a night out at the pub.

The ones I turned down for £700 in Prague are often marked by endless arguments, perhaps because everybody is so stressed about the cost. For many people, taking part in such a hen do means no summer Holidays that year.

Treaclespongeandcustard · 25/01/2017 11:06

Sorry you're having a crap time OP. I hope your friend comes round and sees that you're not the bad guy Flowers

SplendorSolis · 25/01/2017 12:46

MissHemsworth Is this something you really want to do? If so, then no problem but if you're shelling out under some kind of misguided sense of responsibility to make a bride feel special then I'd think again. I don't understand it, why should an entire family lose out on a holiday just because someone else is getting married? Does the bride know that you attending her hen do means your family won't get a holiday? Why do brides feel entitled to insist on other people spending so much money to indulge them in living their fantasies and why do people feel they have to go along with it?

emmyrose2000 · 25/01/2017 12:55

You're being used as a scapegoat by the MOH and the bride. Bride doesn't want to admit she made a mistake choosing this girl as her MOH and also leaving the (lack of) planning to her, and the MOH doesn't want to admit that she lied to the BTB about her lack of planning and consultation with the other guests

I agree with earlier posters to let the BTB know EXACTLY what the real story is with regards to the MOH refusing to give out details etc. Gather up all the screenshots of texts etc, put them into one email or whatever method you all use, include everyone in the link so that everyone is on the same page. Then pull out of any hen activities altogether.

The BTB and MOH have created this situation. It has nothing to do with you, so you don't need to 'fix' it or do anything else. At least five other girls have presumably washed their hands of it all, so you can too.

HappyFlappy · 25/01/2017 13:10

I suspect that originally "Hen" nights came about as the women of the tribe/village/family prepared the bride to be fit for the marriage bed (presuming her skin, brushing her hair, picking the fleas out of her dress - that sort of stuff). She wanted to be particularly lovely and delightful for her groom, because after all, their wedding night was the first time they'd Done It.

Of course, all of these excited women gossiping and warning her what she could expect and telling her that if there was any funny business she should just cancel the cheque and LTB, looked, in men's eyes, like a lot of barnyard hens flapping and squawking round a handful of corn - so it was named the "Hen Night".

Presumably the groom, celebrating with his rowdy mates, would be expected to take the opportunity to impregnate every strumpet and barmaid within reach, like a magnificent stag "tupping' his way through his herd of soft-eyed does (anybody else noticed how derogatory "hen" is, compared with the sheer magnificence of "stag?). Maybe this was so that his marital night demands weren't too terrifying for his virgin bride, seeing as he'd be shagged out from the Stag Night.*

Nowadays very few people are experiencing sexual intimacy for the first time on their wedding night. Perhaps we should just dispense with the whole ridiculous carry on altogether.

*These origins of Hen and Stag nights are pure conjecture, and probably have nothing whatsoever to do with the truth - maybe the women had a hen for their tea, and the men a stag or something. I have enjoyed speculating, though.

HappyFlappy · 25/01/2017 13:11

*perfuming her skin, not presuming

HappyFlappy · 25/01/2017 19:27

Sorry Pyong - I'm going with hen sammiches and stag sammiches for their last meal before getting spliced. Grin

HappyFlappy · 25/01/2017 19:28

(Once my mind is made up I prefer not to have anyone confusing the issue with the facts) Grin

MargotFenring · 25/01/2017 20:07

The whole thing sounds like hell. How close are you OP? Is she a friend who could take it if you told her she is being a bit batty?

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 25/01/2017 21:30

God I'd be so tempted to reply to that with "Nice to know that the value of our friendship is £180. Have a nice life - I'm out." Seriously, what on earth has made her lose her shit about a wedding? It's one sodding day!

BitOfFun · 25/01/2017 21:52

MrDacresEUsubsidy, you are bob on there.

Sunshinerainbows123 · 25/01/2017 23:03

Well I've been invited to the wedding. I screen shot all the messages between myself and MoH. Others are massively pissed off with MoH and some said the private messaged her ages ago saying they wanted to just go during the day but still got an accommodation bill and too far away for a day trip.
Bride saying she's now 500 pound out of pocket as they can't make it affordable with the numbers as everyone (especially me) has let her down. We have been friends since we were 11. I can't believe she doesn't want anything to do with me!
I was more than happy with the logistical nightmare of the weekend to be there for my friend but u can't afford this shambles.

OP posts:
sonyaya · 25/01/2017 23:06

Do you mean you've been invited to the wedding OP, or uninvited?

Sounds like the bride is being totally unreasonable if she's blaming you for this and wanting nothing to do with you. Getting married doesn't give you a God given right to treat your friends like shit

Wtfdoipick · 25/01/2017 23:09

Right now she is probably hurt and disappointed. Hopefully with time she'll come round and you can rebuild your friendship. You have done all you could.

Sunshinerainbows123 · 25/01/2017 23:12

Uninvited that should say. Wtfdoipick I hope so I really don't want to fall out!

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 25/01/2017 23:16

If others are all saying the same, then why is she taking this out on you? Given you have screenshotted the messages to her, proving her MoH is full of shit, I'm not sure I'd be so welcoming if she pulls her head out of her arse in the future. She's treated an long standing friend very badly over something that is clearly not of your doing.

Strokethefurrywall · 25/01/2017 23:22

And why especially you? Loads of others dropped out too!

What a dick. Her, not you. Send her the screenshots with a message explaining that you offered to help and made your position clear from the outset. Then tell her to get a grip on herself lest she lose all of her friends!

IMissGrannyW · 25/01/2017 23:36

HappyFlappy I LOVE your real and scientific explanations, and totally accept them. I will quote them to others in future, and they will BECOME true (they must be true, I read them on the internet!)

Sheer brilliance.

girlelephant · 25/01/2017 23:41

OP I'm shocked the bride has uninvited you when you haven't done anything wrong! Has she uninvited the others to?

SplendorSolis · 25/01/2017 23:45

Uninvited? Wow. I know you're upset about the fall out with your friend, OP, but you're really better off out of it. Another here that can't understand why you've been made the whipping boy for all this. I think you should send the screen shots just to have it on record how you tried to help and were stymied by the MOH and then try and put it behind you. One day this bride will wake up to herself and regret letting wedding fever overcome her good sense to the point she lost such a good friend. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy your weekend with your Dad.

LexieLulu · 25/01/2017 23:54

Same scenario happened to my best friend, she was BM for another girl, hen do got out of hand and she had to say she couldn't afford it.

After this my friend went on holiday, it was a cheap hol, bride went ape and removed her of BM duties.

The wedding itself was aboard and my friend was having to pay for that, bred couldn't see how much it was costing her.

They never got their friendship back, it's sad really