Hen do dramas

[Sunshinerainbows123]

So I don't think I'm being unreasonable but happy to be corrected!

One of my really good friends (I am a bridesmaid) is getting married this year and the hen do is at the end of Feb. Her maid of honour told me the dates it would be some time ago. I explained that I would have to leave on the Saturday night as it is my dads 50th birthday on the Sunday so obviously can't miss that obviously wouldn't expect the dates to change for me but also can't change the date of my dads birthday. Was told this was fine.
I kept asking if anything needed to be done or if I could help in anyway and the maid of honour said it was all in hand. Kept asking for more details but got nothing back until yesterday. Saying I needed to give bride 180 pounds for accommodation for 2 nights in Brighton! I said that's a lot of money and asked how much the activities would be on top. Bride called furious saying that I shouldn't stress about money!!! And that I knew about the weekend for ages (but no finer details such as ones or location until now) and I'd already gotten out of half the weekend which has upset her. I said its really not a lot of time to expect people to get that sort of money together and I would struggle to do this and also pointed out I'm not actually staying both nights but still expected to pay for both so that it doesn't cost others more. I'm really annoyed and have no idea how I'm going to get this money together. This is so unlike my friend to be like this.
I know If I mention the money again she'll go off on one again

Be calm, don't get in arguments, call bride in morning.

I'm sure you can sort things out xx

Even if it blows over, once you've seen something you cannot unsee it.

I have lost contact with two previously dear friends who turned into monstrous bridezillas. It simply was never the same again, I couldn't believe how they treated some of their best friends and closest family. I know they have lost others, too.

I always happily punch the air if I get a hen invitation to a pub (or karaoke bar if they must). They are usually followed by an invitation to a lovely, personal wedding local to the bride and groom which is open and easygoing.

The hen dos in a super expensive spa in Malta are invariably followed by a strictly colour coordinated wedding planned with military precision and at least 3 bridal tantrums. In an inaccessible place, weekday and have to stay the night, naturally. With a Liberty's gift list of £150 upwards.

If others are all saying the same, then why is she taking this out on you? Given you have screenshotted the messages to her, proving her MoH is full of shit, I'm not sure I'd be so welcoming if she pulls her head out of her arse in the future. She's treated an long standing friend very badly over something that is clearly not of your doing.

I agree.

Is the bride completely aware that the other girls have been through the same thing as you, or is that something that has been kept between all the (non) hen-do people? If so, BTB needs to be made aware of this pronto. I wouldn't be made the scapegoat in all of this. If she is aware, has she uninvited them too? How did she uninvite you?

More importantly, has MOH been banned as well? (I suspect not). She's equally responsible for this mess, along with the bride.

Bride would be dead to me after this.

She's not just annoyed with me she is also annoyed with anyone else who has said they can't go. However when I spoke to her she said as we were such close friends and shed asked me to be bridesmaid I'd let her down the most, and said what kind of message did it send out if her bridesmaid couldn't be bothered to come. Even though it has nothing to do with not being bothered. She then said she didn't want me to be a bridesmaid anymore and I said does that mean you don't want me at the wedding and saying how ridiculous it had all become. She answered yes she didn't see how are friendship could get over this. I've gone from being exceptionally sad to really angry.

Wow.... I would be exceptionally hurt and angry too. This is not a case of you not be willing or bothered, this is a case of of MoH failing to take your availability into account the and then the bride feeling she has to panic book.

You are better off out of it but that wouldn't take the sting out for me. That would smart, for a good long time.

Blimey-what a bitch! Presume the MoH has come out of this smelling of roses though?!

What part of "I can't afford it" does she not understand?

I bet the MOH has been devious and manipulative about everyone who pulled out, telling the bridezilla all sorts of lies about you all and making it all about loyalty rather than expense. It sounds like the bridezilla is going to have a shit load more angst about the wedding if the hen night organising is anything to go by.

I would be so very tempted to message the bride with something along the lines of you feeling let down and disappointed in her because she bases a friendship on the depth of your pockets. It sounds like she needs some richer friends and to develop some social awareness that not everyone is as well off as her.

I would also be tempted to send her a link to this thread.

DO NOT SEND HER A LINK TO THIS THREAD unless you want her to feel humiliated, and to destroy the friendship forever. Maybe in time she will realise what a mess she's made, maybe she won't. It's a shame this has happened, but none of it is your fault. Concentrate on the good people in your life.

You are right of course, Random. That's why I only said I would be tempted. In RL I wouldn't do it. I was just wondering if there was any way in which the bridezilla and MOH could be made to realise just how utterly unreasonable they have been.

I simply cannot understand why some people are so oblivious to other people's financial circumstances.

I was dumped as BM over something equally stupid- as was another BM. Some very normal people get really crazy over weddings. They bring out the best and worst in people.

It beggars belief it really does. And it is such a shame these things come to this. I'd be furious too that she has somehow made you out to be the bad person. I think if it was me I'd still be laying all the facts down in an email because surely to god her actions are as a result of the bollocks facts the moh has been feeding her. I'd send it and then just leave it at that for her to do as she likes with it-she will eventually see what an idiot she's been about it all. Whether she will come crawling back is another matter...pride might get in the way of that...

I agree with Weem. I have been lurking hoping to hear bride had pieced the whole story together, written off the deposit, apologised to everyone and arranged something else. At the moment she is hurt and dissappointed and lashing out. A full explanation and a bit of time to digest the info might see her get some perspective.

I've watched this thread and feel for you OP. I pulled out of my friends hen do last year as it got more elaborate and more expensive at every turn. we were bombarded with emails, Facebook group messages in triplicate it totally stressed me out. I went to the wedding and with hotel, travel, gift, new outfit I reckon that alone cost us getting on for £500. I wasn't prepared to spend an additional £2-300 on a hen do with the most annoying MOH who wanted more £ for this and more £ for that with every new email.

Luckily the bride wasn't bridezilla so it was OK but I sure as hell wouldn't hand over a single penny to your bride or MOH. They have shown their true colours big time. Really, really sad. Best to walk away with your head held high. You have done nothing wrong.

Hen dos are awful. I had a similar experience to someone upthread, we were unexpectedly told we'd be paying £280 each for 2 nights in a hotel outside the city we were going to, plus activities and meals out and drinks/clubbing. A group of most of the party explained to the organisers (the bride's sisters) that this was too much as we'd also have to pay for highly expensive taxis in and out of the city to do any of the activities and how about staying in one of (different cheap hotels) in the city centre as we'd barely be in the rooms anyway. The pair of them didn't say anything negative to the friend who was deputed to talk to them, but then threw a massive strop and told the bride we were being bitches and the bride called me to ask what on earth was going on, and asking me to call the sisters, which I did repeatedly but they never answered or returned my calls. It was agreed that the sisters, mother and bride would stay in the posh hotel out of town, and the rest of us would stay in a cheap hotel in town. On the day of the hen it turned out that they had moved their booking to a city hotel but had deliberately not told us to see if we wanted to join in, and had booked an extra spa activity that could only be done there as guests so we couldn't come to that, and their price included a meal in the hotel that we could pay separately to come to - a nasty expensive hotel buffet in a city known for its food! We went to the meal but during the spa activity we went back to our hotel and had a lovely time drinking in our room and bitching about the sisters.

I think the Maid of Honour has lied or twisted things when speaking to the bride.

If she is someone who you value and you want to try and repair things, then I would make one final attempt and send her an email. Something along the lines of:

Dear Bride,
I'm emailing because I want to try and explain what's happened, because it feels like you and I have completely crossed wires. I was looking forward to coming to your hen do, but had said from the beginning that I would only be able to come for one night as the date clashed with my Dad's birthday which I cannot miss. ButI was really keen to attend and I was happy to drive 100s of extra miles to do so - which I was happy to do because you are a very good friend and your hen do is important.

However I became concerned that there were no details available, despite asking MOH on numerous occasions. I offered to help MOH if she wanted - in case she was struggling because I know she's busy - but she said it was fine. I have screenshots of these texts if you want to see them.

I was only told by MOH on that the cost would be £180 regardless of the fact that I can only attend for one night. The activities and food on top of this make it impossible for me to attend as I simply cannot afford it. Please don't think this is a reflection on our friendship - or that I 'cannot be bothered'. We've known each other for years and you know you are an important friend to me. You may feel that this is a deal-breaker for our friendship, but I hope not as it makes me feel quite sad that it's boiled down to us not being friends any more because I can't afford to go on your hen do.

This happened to me. Hen do planning was a nightmare, i had to pull out due to cost and not being able to have time off work. I was then uninvited from being a bridesmaid as I clearly 'didn't love and support her enough'.

Other people dropped out due to cost too but I 'hurt her too much' . Hen do abroad , wedding abroad, in the end DP and I didn't go to the wedding and I've not spoken to the bride since. It's really sad and she was my best friend for many years.

Tbh OP, I wouldn't even want to be a part or go to the wedding after being treated like this!

I feel for you, and honestly, if a really good friend couldn't afford the hen do, I would sort out something which she could afford, like go for a meal and drinks so I still spent time with her. Actually I'd just be happy and greatful my friend could be a part of my special day.

Not your fault or any of the other women who pulled out, at all!!

Enjoy the day with your dad sweet!

The bride will kick herself for this one day

This is just too awful-such a shame to lose a long standing friendship-her loss

Bloody hell

Not commented so far but the bride actually sounds like a complete bitch. You are best off out of it - yes, it may be her wedding, but she is enormously entitled and, for others, weddings and hen dos just aren't as important as to justify spending a fortune.

You have every right to feel angry.
I see this more and more these days.. I want a no child wedding, I want a wedding and want everyone to stay in allocated hotel..There seems to be very little thought about the guests because it is there day. I think so many people are forgetting what a wedding is about..It is a commitment to each other.

I would be furious if she responds that way to all those coming she will save quite a bit of money.

OMG this has really escalated. What a mess. This woman is a right bridezilla and totally unreasonable.

Just stay out of it for a bit OP.

Why do people do this? I had my hen in Brighton, years ago. Fab place. For a hen, great, great restaurants, bars, nightclubs, everything. Loads of taxi's if need be.
I/We booked the restaurant and enquired as to the price of the Travel Lodge and then let everyone know and booked those that wanted it. I had such a giggle. So easy.

The problem is that hen do's are a party that the guests have to pay for.

Most parties with any implication that you should go, the host pays for the food and entertainment.(weddings, birthdays etc). You contribute by paying for your own transport/accommodation, which you choose according to your budget (I camp at all the summer weddings I go to and share lifts, others stay in a hotel, up to them and no one cares). You take a present of a value that suits your budget, or not, as you see fit.

If you are invited for an impromptu activity weekend with friends (or a meal out) there's no pressure to go if you can't afford/don't fancy it.

People feel pressured to go to a hen do as it's their friend's special day, but then they end up paying vast amounts for activities they don't want to do, with people they don't know/like, which they never would normally have agreed to, so end up feeling resentful.

I think if you want people to go on your hen do, if it's anything more than a meal/few drinks, you should pay all or most of the cost yourself. The exception being if you know that the entire group already know each other and would have chosen to do that specific activity anyway.

The absolute least you can do is tell them the full cost at the time you send an invite, and ask for a deposit to be sent with the RSVP - that way no-one has any nasty shocks, if people drop out you can use their deposit to prevent everyone else paying more.

And if you have a bridesmaid that doesn't know the other invitees, it's asking for trouble to let them organise a big surprise as they won't know which others are likely to drop out/hate spa days/are pregnant/etc

Thank you, Granny.

As you say - now it is inline, it is true and there is nothing anyone can do about it.