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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hen do dramas

339 replies

Sunshinerainbows123 · 22/01/2017 07:39

So I don't think I'm being unreasonable but happy to be corrected!

One of my really good friends (I am a bridesmaid) is getting married this year and the hen do is at the end of Feb. Her maid of honour told me the dates it would be some time ago. I explained that I would have to leave on the Saturday night as it is my dads 50th birthday on the Sunday so obviously can't miss that obviously wouldn't expect the dates to change for me but also can't change the date of my dads birthday. Was told this was fine.
I kept asking if anything needed to be done or if I could help in anyway and the maid of honour said it was all in hand. Kept asking for more details but got nothing back until yesterday. Saying I needed to give bride 180 pounds for accommodation for 2 nights in Brighton! I said that's a lot of money and asked how much the activities would be on top. Bride called furious saying that I shouldn't stress about money!!! And that I knew about the weekend for ages (but no finer details such as ones or location until now) and I'd already gotten out of half the weekend which has upset her. I said its really not a lot of time to expect people to get that sort of money together and I would struggle to do this and also pointed out I'm not actually staying both nights but still expected to pay for both so that it doesn't cost others more. I'm really annoyed and have no idea how I'm going to get this money together. This is so unlike my friend to be like this.
I know If I mention the money again she'll go off on one again

OP posts:
HappyFlappy · 26/01/2017 13:58

*ON LINE bfs - I hate you autocorrect

HappyFlappy · 26/01/2017 13:58

*ffs - not bfs

Stop doing this to me!

HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/01/2017 13:59

I'm not surprised you're angry. I would be. So you are a long standing great friend, not enough to be MoH though but enough to take the flack for this! Some friend she was.

Is the MoH copping any of the flack or is she getting off scot free? This whole mess was her doing.

EweAreHere · 26/01/2017 14:24

I know you've been friends a long time, but tbh, the bride doesn't sound very nice at all, OP. A long time friendship should take into account both people; the bride is clearly only concerned about herself and her 'image'. Not to mention that surely a long-time friend would assume you were being honest unless there was true evidence to the contrary. You were being honest and upfront and loyal, and she has refused to hear you out or give you the benefit of the doubt. That is not friendship reciprocated.

I think you're well rid of her if this is how she wants to act. She will find herself with some very fake, shallow 'friends' if this is the path she's choosing in life. Sad.

Niloufes · 26/01/2017 14:34

I think weddings stagdoos and hendoos are where a lot of old friendships come undone. You are bringing lots of different people together who have never met and may never meet again and often it just doesn't work.

dylsmimi · 26/01/2017 14:42

I would send mrdacres email and perhaps suggests clearly how things could be resolved if she still wants with regard to hen do
Eg
'So as many friends can attend and you are not out of pocket we could have a meal at x, stay at x (close venues to you) or do x. This would cost about £x and if we all add an additional £30 this would offset the deposit on the other accommodation.
We all want you to be happy and not stressed before your big day so I am happy to arrange this for you.
I am however very hurt that you don't want me to attend your wedding and throw away x yes of friendship
You know how to contact me if you need to. I hope to hear from you but if not good luck'

I think she will be hurt and disappointed and instead of taking it out on MOH is taking it out on everyone else as MOH has told bride how much she Has done and how it's everyone else's fault
I would send that and then no longer contact her and wait for her to calm down and contact you

MackerelOfFact · 26/01/2017 14:47

Wow. The MOH has really done a number on you and the bride, hasn't she? The bride's anger towards you is so misplaced. Even if you could go, the fact that so many other people can't would still leave the bride out-of-pocket.

I would second reaching out to the bride in a last attempt to save the friendship. Explain that you don't know what you could have done differently - you didn't know the location or cost of what was planned until she did, so had no chance to save or make other plans, your offer to help was refused by the MOH, and you were not consulted (let alone in agreement) about putting down a deposit, a situation which could have been avoided if the MOH had checked with everyone.

I suspect the MOH has been spinning things like mad to make her look like the honest, noble victim in her screw-up. Is she a relative of the bride or just a close friend? Is she a lot younger?

acatcalledjohn · 26/01/2017 14:58

Anger would take over for me now too, to be honest. I'd tell her that if someone else screwing up reflects on the friendship between you and the bride, then frankly the she isn't worth your friendship. You tried to make it work, the MoH ignored everything and lied, but that is not the MoH fault. Tell her you are glad to be away from that sort of selfish bridezilla behaviour and she's welcome to the MoH as her only friend.

Then tell all the other hens that you've been uninvited to the wedding and why.

The bride will soon regret it.

trevortrevorslattery · 26/01/2017 15:01

What a nightmare OP. Flowers

I had a big falling out with my best friend about her hen night and it nearly broke us. But actually deep down she is lovely and had just got carried away on a wave of bridezilla-ness.

We made up after a few months - neither of us gave in and apologised as we still both think we were in the right, but we agreed to put it behind us as we actually love each other loads.

So there is still hope for you. But no need to grovel to her now for the sake of your friendship - if it's actually worth saving then you can both still save it, although it might take a while before you're both ready to patch things up.

Iamastonished · 26/01/2017 15:16

I agree that MrDacres message is excellent, especially the last line.

eddielizzard · 26/01/2017 15:22

i would bet money that the MOH has manipulated the situation heavily, even told some lies to make you the baddie.

i do think an email is in order and i like MrDacresEUSubsidy. at any rate i wouldn't let it go without explaining your side.

Original poster
Sunshinerainbows123 · 26/01/2017 17:20

I already has reached out and sent screen shots of messages and texts. I offered to get us all to reimburse the deposit, I was more than happy to go to the day activities and do lots of driving. Also offered to organise something else for everyone including those who can't afford the brighton do. And still I'm told that it was 'on par with what you'd expect to pay for a hen do and even though MoH hadn't got prices together I should have budgeted and got money saved for it. And she says me not going has caused others to drop out as 'if a bridesmaid can't be bothered to go it sends the wrong message to everyone else'.
I feel completely done with it. The ball is in her court now. If she wants to invite me again to the wedding and come to say part of the hen do she needs to contact me because I'm not doing anymore.
I am never getting involved with hen dos again Angry

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 26/01/2017 17:29

That appalling op my moh didn't come to my hen as something else came up but it didn't matter. We had a mini hen do nearer the time. Costs should have been discussed in advance and everyone agreed appropriate budget that people could afford and inadvance so people can budget effectively. I know in my hen do the hotel was 50 a room with two sharing so 25 which was paid at the time which left money for the activity which I assumed was booked in advance again optional and then travel and spending money. This meant no one was forking out for money in one go. She is putting the blame on you and that's not fair you've offered solutions and your not the cause of others pulling out. Don't let her bully you into going.

Wtfdoipick · 26/01/2017 17:32

I would disengage now. Anything said at this point would just inflame the situation. Sometimes we lash out at those we feel closest to unfairly. She may yet come to her senses and repair things. I don't blame you for being hurt and angry I would be too. Sometimes people do lose all sight of perspective coming up to a wedding especially with a moh saying people should do this or that. Hopefully she will soon be mortified by her behaviour and repair things.

dylsmimi · 26/01/2017 17:32

Oh op Flowers and Wine
I think you have done enough - I guess just wait until she contacts you and realises how unreasonable she's been or when MOH abandons Her and is no help at the wedding

ohfourfoxache · 26/01/2017 17:35

She has shown her true colours. I'm sorry to say that she isn't a friend. And it's obviously not just you if others have have dropped out too

Have a wonderful weekend with your dad instead Thanks

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/01/2017 17:37

I think some people these days forget their not rich. Huge expensive hen dos are for rich people.

Ordinary people can't afford them.

At least moh didn't book out the whole of Stoke Park.

Mix56 · 26/01/2017 17:56

Sunshine. Sorry this has gone bad, but you are better out of it

MalletsMallets · 26/01/2017 18:24

Love the 'you should have budgeted'
Seriously!
I know she's your friend and important to you, but honestly that line alone means your well put of it. It's important to her, she is important to you. Spending £500 (which is where it will end up) odd on a weekend (or night in your case!) does not prove her importance in your life.
The fact others have struggled to "budget" also probably indicates she's asking too much, not that she's not important enough

A decent friend just wants their friends to have a good time. Budgeting and debt does not come into that.

MalletsMallets · 26/01/2017 18:26

At least moh didn't book out the whole of Stoke Park.

I know someone who actually did that at stoke park. But they picked up the entire tab to make sure everyone could attend.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 26/01/2017 18:45

"You should have budgeted" oh really. Just magically save up some money you don't have. Well, consider yourself to have saved a heck of a lot of money, both hen night and wedding costs. I hope the scales fall from the brides eyes, but who knows eh? Enjoy not having to do too much driving and enjoy your Dads birthday!

CigarsofthePharoahs · 26/01/2017 18:45

"You should have budgeted" oh really. Just magically save up some money you don't have. Well, consider yourself to have saved a heck of a lot of money, both hen night and wedding costs. I hope the scales fall from the brides eyes, but who knows eh? Enjoy not having to do too much driving and enjoy your Dads birthday!

eddielizzard · 26/01/2017 19:25

wow. Shock i think they need a little perspective...

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/01/2017 19:27

Op probably spent money on frivolous stuff like mortgages, bills, food...

Mallets I wish I knew people like that, I'd love to go there.

MakeMyWineADouble · 26/01/2017 19:28

I have been on loads of hens lately £180 for accommodation alone is nowhere near 'on par' 🙄 and how anyone can expect you to budget for a unknown sum ?? I do see she is upset but honestly look back I'm betting there is a history or her expecting you to run round after her? In the long run this maybe a friendship your happy to be rid off!

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