Please tell me it's possible to have a teen DD who doesn't post pouting selfies and

[ASeriesofFortunateEvents]

responds to photos of friends' selfies with comments like "gorgeous girlie" "l❤️v u loads"

I have several goddaughters dotted around the country and look at photos on their twitter accounts (only chance I get to see them theses days!) and they're all HD brows, cleavages, knicker skimming dresses and babyish talk.

Now I know I might sound like Great Aunt Prudish but DD becomes a teenager next year and I need stories from MN about teenager girls who are NOT like my godaughters.

I was referring to the PP who said her daughter "is not that type of girl, all contouring and pouting". To me, that's implying that she thinks that type of girl is superficial.

I'm not meaning to twist words - I'm sorry if you think I've done that to you. As I've said before, it's perfectly your right to not want your daughter to participate in selfie culture and, as you're her parent, its your right to discourage that. I don't actually think anyone's disagreed with you on that.

All we've said is that it's not constructive to discourage her by teaching her to mock, laugh at and put down other women for their choices, or to think that she's better than them for making different ones.

Ginger, can you still not see that there is a massive difference between warning our dd's against certain aspects of the selfie culture and encouraging them to look down on their peers?

I have no particular desire for my dd to take selfies- I have every desire to keep our house a place where sniggering and sneering is out of bounds. I want my children to trust me as a person of reasonably high moral standards, I don't want them to have to fear that one day they will be the ones to incur my scorn and ridicule so I want them to know that we don't do scorn and ridicule. I want our house to be a haven from that kind of behaviour and the fear that goes with it.

Whether you take selfies or not is pretty immaterial from a moral pov: what matters is how you take selfies and how you react to other people's selfies. Whether you talk about people or not is also pretty immaterial: what matters is how you talk about them. That matters rather a lot ime.

And everything that Shout said.

3 teenage girls not one of them does this.

1 does posts lots of pictures of snails though.............

stillwantrachelshair, me too. I wish I had been a more carefree teenager, more confident to do silly trendy things, wear ridiculous outfits, etc. I was all business, all studies, all future looking. I really wish I had taken more chances and had more fun. If my dds find selfies fun, I certainly am not going to stop them.

Yes perfectly possible, my eldest DD is no longer a teenager but has never done this. Unfortunately my niece does but my younger DD shows no sign of being likely to follow her cousins example. Like you I really hope younger DD doesn't as it's an awful look, they all look identical, sucked in cheeks ridiculous pout etc. Sure they will all grow out of it eventually but their teenage pics will be there forever as a reminder 😂😂

It hasn't caused bitchy behaviour,far from it.

I want her to feel ridicule towards the selfie culture because it is ridiculous.If she doesn't see it for what it is she won't reject it.

She doesn't voice her feelings,she knows the code.

In the privacy of her own home she ridicule the whole culture as much as she likes. She isn't attacking any one individual.

My DD almost 12 doesn't do this but she is in the minority among her peers. Last year when she was in year 6 plenty of the years 4's and 5's were doing this. The parents looked and seemed outwardly respectable but some of their parents had liked some of these photos the girls weren't semi naked but they were dressed older than their ages and all doing the make up, pouty slutty poses.

"Seen it on here- your daughter will get bullied if she doesn't participate in it and sees it for what it is."

Green-- do not twist my words. I said your dd may get bullied if she MOCKS the girls who post selfies simply because there are so many more of them. And again, NO ONE here is telling you to encourage your dd to "participate" in posting selfies.

And you can say it until you turn green, but there is simply no way that your dd only does the mocking at home but not at school. She would have to be an incredibly skilled and disciplined actress to do that. My apologies if she is.

But bottom line is -- why teach our dds to be so judgmental about each other especially since they are not being harmed in any way by other girls' selfies? Why not just live and let live?

'Slutty'. About a 10 year old. Fabulous.

Green I find this stuff about the 'code' very odd. I don't think it's healthy for her to have to present a different face to the world from the one she does in your home.

The parents looked and seemed outwardly respectable but some of their parents had liked some of these photos the girls weren't semi naked but they were dressed older than their ages and all doing the make up, pouty slutty poses

Jesus. Slutty?? Some of the people on here seriously need to have a think about themselves

One of my dds does do this. Im not overjoyed but pick my rows on other stuff. I see it as a phase and am quite looking forward to watching her cringe like hell in 10 years or so, when she looks back.
My eldest dd doesnt and never has, altho she has been tagged in the odd pic taken in groups. Shes the one not pouting!

I think the thing that some posters are missing here is that it isn't just the teenagers who don't post selfies etc who are capable of sneering - from my own experience of school, it was far more often than not the people who joined in with that sort of thing who sneered at and put down those who didn't. There was never an army of PJ Harvey-loving baggy-clothes-wearing girls bullying the popular crowd at their parents' behest.

It's also rather amusing seeing people on this thread mocking parents who are proud that their daughters don't take selfies and calling them smug, before going on to claim that of course THEIR selfie-loving daughters would NEVER sneer at or put down any other girls and are wonderful feminist angels. This is of course not at all smug.

I think the thing that some posters are missing here is that it isn't just the teenagers who don't post selfies etc who are capable of sneering - from my own experience of school, it was far more often than not the people who joined in with that sort of thing who sneered at and put down those who didn't. There was never an army of PJ Harvey-loving baggy-clothes-wearing girls bullying the popular crowd at their parents' behest.

It's also rather amusing seeing people on this thread mocking parents who are proud that their daughters don't take selfies and calling them smug, before going on to claim that of course THEIR selfie-loving daughters would NEVER sneer at or put down any other girls and are wonderful feminist angels. This is of course not at all smug.

"In the privacy of her own home she ridicule the whole culture as much as she likes."

I can only repeat that an attitude like this- though far more restrained and civilised- did a good deal of harm to my ability to connect with people outside my family. I always felt nervous around other people because there was an unspoken assumption that our way of doing things was different and better: it made me insecure.

My own dd, who has grown up in an atmosphere of live and let live, seems far more comfortable around other people. She can see the negative aspects of some parts of the selfie culture perfectly clearly precisely because she has been brought up in a house where we speak respectfully of other people and don't enjoy making fun of them. So from where I'm standing it was possible without having to resort to ridicule.

Pucelleaux I think most people have just pointed out that kids copy the behaviour they're modelled at home; whether that's 'dare you to comment about how much make up she's got on' or 'oh well, up to her what she wears'. I don't think that's particularly smug.

pucelle, at no point have I stated either that my daughter takes selfies or that she is a feminist angel.

What I do keep repeating is that an attitude of quite unnecessary pride in my own non-conformity as a teen, fostered by my family, did not do me any favours. I was not a pleasant teenager, whatever I may outwardly have seemed like. I was not a particularly happy one either. I was judgmental. I wish this had not been the case.

My dd is nearly 12 and is very at all the duck face selfie stuff, the make-up, the brand obsessions etc. She wouldn't openly sneer at girls in her year who are into all that stuff, she just prefers to do her own thing and sees the over-image-consciousness as a boring waste of time. I have no qualms at all about saying that the selfie culture is a bad thing and I'm very pleased dd doesn't seem to have bought into it (so far). I don't see that as being smug, any more than it's smug to be pleased that your child isn't making various other unappealing choices or pleased that they are making positive choices in their lives. Yes we all do silly things in our teens, but this all seems so vacuous, self-obsessed and superficial.

Blurty et al seriously some the musically videos some of them post in shorty PJ's and short shorts cropped tops are slutty, seriously.

Cory - I don't think pride in non-conformity is particularly good either, I was just pointing out that quite a few of the posts on here condemning smugness (not necessarily yours) also come across as quite smug in themselves - for example, posters earlier who suggested that teenage girls who aren't interested in typical 'teenage' things are probably just saying that to impress their parents. I don't think this is any more helpful than labelling all girls who take selfies as superficial.

I don't call anyone slutty, least of all children

I disagree Cory I think more girls should be encouraged to not conform. It is a girl thing the way it is expected. I have two boys who don't confirm. This is positively embraced by society.

Why do girls gave to follow the herd to be healthy?

And I agree with the poster re ridiculing those that don't. I've seen clothes ridiculed in selfies,girls crying out for help( saying they gave no friends in the world online) spiteful comments..... funnily enough not by my daughter ever but by all these other herd following girls online.

Where does it stop?We've just been warned at school to not follow the crowd online. Girls can be pressurised into sending pics to boy friends with no clothes,have boy friends.....What if they don't know how not to follow the crowd and find fitting in more important than anything else?

My daughter knows the whole culture is ridiculous,she knows how to be kind so yes she must be an actress( isn't that what tact is about) She finds the whole Jo Jo bow scenario equally baffling and has kept her mouth shut when seeing them in parade not voicing her real opinion. Don't we all do that?

She finds the whole Jo Jo bow scenario equally baffling and has kept her mouth shut when seeing them in parade not voicing her real opinion.

Tell her to stop finding things "baffling" and to accept and appreciate that people are different with varied ways of self-expression.