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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to live separately?

76 replies

Happymama37 · 21/01/2017 08:46

We are not married and have 2 dc's 20 months and 11weeks. We live in an expensive part of the country for his work and adult children and are 4.5 hours away from my support network. I have no one locally and his family do not help with the children.

I work from home so can live anywhere. We can't afford to buy anything where we live but if I moved I could buy something outright. At the moment we share essential outgoings and I pay for all discretionary spending due to his maintenance payments (I earn £1,200, him £2,600 plus bonus usually £2,500 pm). If we continue to live together at the current rate my capital would be gone in 10 years and we will never be able to buy a place to live (child care costs of nearly £2k pm and rent of £1.5k pm). If I move my children would have a home and they'd be money left over.

He can't move his job and is stuck earning at his current level until retirement. We could still see each other at weekends but I would secure my children's futures.

He isn't keen on the idea but I'm pretty set on it- aibu?

OP posts:

Squirmy65ghyg · 21/01/2017 08:51

Yes, very. Sounds like an excuse to leave.

Junebugjr · 21/01/2017 08:55

He has adult children he pays maintenance for?
If I was you I'd probably be thinking along the same lines tbh.

Original poster

Happymama37 · 21/01/2017 08:56

It's definitely not an excuse to leave- I love him but am so worried about the future financially. Thanks for your response - helps put his views in perspective

OP posts:

Original poster

Happymama37 · 21/01/2017 08:57

Thanks June- maintainance is exwife. I really wanted him to come with me but he was told he couldn't with work (he asked for a transfer and was told that would never be an option 😓)

OP posts:

Msqueen33 · 21/01/2017 08:58

Can I ask why he can't move his job? I understand but it does sound like you want an excuse to leave.

Original poster

Happymama37 · 21/01/2017 09:00

He wouldn't be paid anywhere near what he is with another company and can't transfer

OP posts:

Munchkin1412 · 21/01/2017 09:01

Is there not somewhere commutable? I presume you live in London now but there are still much cheaper places within a two hour commute. It's not nice for him but maybe better than you living separately and running two households!

Brokenbiscuit · 21/01/2017 09:01

I don't understand. You earn £1200 per month, but share essential expenses that come to far more than £2400 (rent and childcare alone come to £3500) AND pay for any discretionary expenditure? So the shortfall is coming from your savings? While he has about 4 x your income in an average month but only pays for his share of the essential expenditure?

Or have I misunderstood?

If the above is accurate, that's not fair at all and forget living separately, you'd be better off without him. He is taking the piss. I note that you're not married though - not sure how that might affect maintenance payments if you chose to split.

wannabestressfree · 21/01/2017 09:04

He would still have to pay maintenance for the children married or not.
How long does he have to pay the ex wife for?

DelphiniumBlue · 21/01/2017 09:09

Has the existence of the babies been taken into account in calculating the level of maintenance paid to his ex?
Something sounds wrong - he earns over 5k pm but you are subbing him!
Get in contact with CSA!

LadyBusDriver · 21/01/2017 09:10

This is how I see it - I'd do what's necessary for securing a future for my children and if your buying outright then there's no rent, you can lower your outgoings so if he found a job that paid less then he'd not lose much as your paying out less.
Also there is the option of commuting, does he drive? If it's commute or lose out on seeing your family 5 days a week then I'd be commuting!

Original poster

Happymama37 · 21/01/2017 09:10

He works from home covering an area. We did live 2 hours away from the area but it didn't work for his work

OP posts:

giantpurplepeopleeater · 21/01/2017 09:11

YANBU to eant to move closer to your family and to want to move to an area that is much cheaper so that you can buy a house and live more comfortably. In fact that is a pretty sensible decision to make.

The issue is that it would mean being away from your husband, and that he isn't happy about it.

Plenty of people (forces and oil rig workers for examples) spend a lot of time away from their families and make it work so it doesn't necessarily have to be a death knell for your relationship.

However, it woyld be pretty awful for you to go ahead knowing your husband really isn't happy about it and may well deeply affect your relationship in that case. But I also think the opposite is true, and it would be awful if him to demand that you stay with no discussion and no consideration of a compromise. And I'm guessing this would be equally damaging to your relationship.

Personally, I would say that you need to try and find a compromise. Why would it be so bad for him to take another job that pays less? If you're living in a cheaper part if the country it won't have as much impact?

Why do the choices have to be so stark? Could you move closer to your family but still in commuting distance for DH? Are there any other changes that would alleviate the situation? Renting a cheaper place? Buying a house near your familynand renting it out for a few years and them moving?

Finola1step · 21/01/2017 09:13

Something really doesn't add up with his financial situation IMO.

I think the idea of you have separate house that you own would be a very good one. You're not married, 2 small children so really quite financially vulnerable.

Finola1step · 21/01/2017 09:14

Having not have

Original poster

Happymama37 · 21/01/2017 09:14

Maintainence is till retirement- he's not taking the piss it's a significant portion of his income and he has very significant debts so he really can't afford to pay more. Even without debts he'd only be able to cover half essentials meaning I will still be eroding capital for at least 4 years whilst we have to pay for childcare

OP posts:

howtodowills · 21/01/2017 09:17

Are maintenance payments to ex based on income or set at a number?

If he earns less does it matter? You'd be better off as a family if you moved where your family are surely? X

Quartz2208 · 21/01/2017 09:17

Actually I think it's a good idea you can have financial security and help during the week

howtodowills · 21/01/2017 09:17

Also - why aren't you married?

(I'm not married to DP so not judging!)

Rixera · 21/01/2017 09:18

I've also considered this but the other way round; my OH can work anywhere but my career/education can only be done in certain areas that we can't afford to buy in- but could afford to buy in North Wales, where we want to live.

The plan is to move when OH finds the right job there, with me living separately during the week until I gain enough experience to go freelance and work from home.

If you want something even more vilified than moving away from your husband, try moving away from your child...

But it's not forever, and as PP have said offshore workers or those in the military manage it all the time and are often praised for working so hard and not seeing their family. Sexism is alive and kicking!
I don't think YABU, it guarantees your family's future. But will your OH be able to find another job in your preferred area eventually?

ChasedByBees · 21/01/2017 09:20

I think it's a good idea - as you say, you are burning through your capital and the chance to buy outright is pretty amazing.

In Sweden, being married and living separately is actually has its own word, it's a normal practice.

You should do what's right for you and for your relationship, but it doesn't have to negatively affect your relationship if you manage it well.

Msqueen33 · 21/01/2017 09:23

Do you see him much during the week? If not then I suppose moving makes sense if he's not seeing the kids but I can understand why he'd be upset.

Steamgirl · 21/01/2017 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ncbecauseitshard · 21/01/2017 09:35

It is not right that you are essentially supporting his ex wife and living way, way above your means.
If he left you once the savings were gone, you'd be in a horrible mess.
You should not be using savings as a long term solution to paying childcare and rent. Something has to give.
I'd go for it if I were you.

LadyBusDriver · 21/01/2017 10:03

Would it be possible for you to buy a house and rent it out? Then you have the money tied up in a house for your children and also another income from the rent...!

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