To want to live separately?

[Happymama37]

We are not married and have 2 dc's 20 months and 11weeks. We live in an expensive part of the country for his work and adult children and are 4.5 hours away from my support network. I have no one locally and his family do not help with the children.

I work from home so can live anywhere. We can't afford to buy anything where we live but if I moved I could buy something outright. At the moment we share essential outgoings and I pay for all discretionary spending due to his maintenance payments (I earn £1,200, him £2,600 plus bonus usually £2,500 pm). If we continue to live together at the current rate my capital would be gone in 10 years and we will never be able to buy a place to live (child care costs of nearly £2k pm and rent of £1.5k pm). If I move my children would have a home and they'd be money left over.

He can't move his job and is stuck earning at his current level until retirement. We could still see each other at weekends but I would secure my children's futures.

He isn't keen on the idea but I'm pretty set on it- aibu?

He has no estate other than residual pension (very small ) and death in service, both of which are paid at discretion of trustees but have had it confirmed that as divorce is joint lives order and no further claim is possible she wouldn't be considered dependent in the event of his death. He doesn't even have a car.

I don't want my children to suffer and miss out on their classes when I could easily afford them if it was just me - it seems bonkers. We can't really live anywhere smaller as we both work fro home and need separate offices. We have a 4 bed so can't see how a smaller rental would work.

I don't get it- does she have a shit hot lawyer or has he agreed to anything? How long have they been divorced if this maintenance thing is new and if children from this prev relationship are adults why is he still paying as someone else said 80% of salary. I thought spousal maintenance was no longer a 'thing'

I don't really want to go into the divorce settlement as I stayed out of it as none of my business (I got involved before finances were sorted but not my divorce to sort out) but it has just been agreed and is what it is. He couldn't afford proper advice/ support and I wasn't willing to pay for it

The divorce settlement is ludicrous given that he has other children.
This is the real stumbling block. Surely 25% of his salary would be a more usual amount for maintenance?

You weren't willing to help him pay for proper advice which could have resulted in less maintenance for the ex wife, he'd have been able to pay you back, he'd have more money to contribute and you wouldn't be living off your savings I'm not saying you should have just paid for it but surely if it has that big an impact on your life and your children's you could have lent him the money

Sorry, but your decision not to pay for proper advice has screwed you financially long term if you intend to stay in a relationship with this man. Absolute madness that a man with adult children has a spousal maintenance agreement for all, but £300 of a his basic wage. Absolute madness.

Legal advice and court fees would have been more than £25k - he would never be able to pay me back

OP, the divorce settlement is unreasonable. Is this actually a formal binding legal agreement? Because it basically impoverishes your OH. If you left him or died, he would be utterly screwed by it, So as I say, you are effectively subsidising his ex wife. If you just shrug your shoulders and say that it is what it is, you have no one to blame but yourself for this situation to be honest - and while it is a fine choice for you to make for yourself, I don't think it is a good one for your children who are going to have to go without so a grown adult woman with no dependents can be given twice as much as the average person takes home every month for doing nothing. You have said several times you would be better off if you were on your own. If that is really true and your OH will not do anything to try and get a more reasonable settlement, then maybe you should consider leaving him for the sake of your kids - doesn't mean he can't still be a very involved father. And at least you out can be confident of getting a good financial support settlement out of him, as he doesn't seem to ha the house to defend himself from being comprehensively screwed over by the ex wife!

Finally, if you both work from home, why on EARTH can't he just move with you to area where you can afford to buy a house?.. You said initially that 'doesn't work for his work'... But if he is wfh, how can it make any difference to them?

My feeling frankly is that he is not over the ex wife, and feels more obligation to his history with her than he does to you and his new family. He is prioritising her over you and not taking any step so change that. And he's burning through your savings for her benefit and his convenience. It's that simple.

*have the nouse, not ha the house. Fat fingers.

The other option is to buy somewhere and rent it out - so it creates income and hopefully gains value without freezing you out of the market (in fact even if it looses value its likely other places would and the cash invested would buy the same value in the end

He works from home but sees clients in their homes.

I really don't want to focus on the settlement but suffice to say whilst he had limited advice he had an hour with a solicitor (which he asked me to pay for), she gave him advice and he was bullied into accepting something very different (after hours on final day before court would be necessary). He could revoke what's proposed however he may then be liable for all legal costs to date (very significant). It's finding a way to move forward with what we have to work with.

The other option I considered was I buy a small 2 bed property where we are and having a small home office in the garden ( I can just about afford a small 2 bed with garden space for very small office) while he rents a 1 bed flat so he can work (he's been told he can't rent an office, he has to work from home address).

It just gets weirder, he can't rent an office, really, who told him this, I wouldn't believe a word he says.
I'd get in with your plans tbh, he and his ex are sending you broke.

It's for security reasons (client confidentiality so it does make sense).

It's just an unfortunate position we find ourselves in, I just want to make the most of it and ensure my children are protected as I can support them on my own, it's just when we share expenses I can't find a way to make it work

OP I don't have any kind of legal background/knowledge but even to my untrained ears what you're saying doesn't make sense. He was forced into paying something crazy like 2/3 of his monthly salary to his ex-wife, even though their children are adults? And he can't change it because he might have to pay all the costs, even though it's essentially leaving him broke? That just sounds crazy. Are you 100% sure he's being honest with you about this?

I would not want to be in this relationship at all. You're basically using up your savings on supporting yourself and your children while his ex-wife takes all his money. That's insane. Get yourself a house and get out while you still can!

I am 100% sure he's being honest.

I do want to be in the relationship- I'd just prefer to keep the financial side completely separate and need to secure my children's position. If he could move with us (as was the original plan before his divorce settlement) it would be amazing as we would be in a great position. It's just not worked out the way we planned.

I also do feel really lonely here- other than paid child care I have no additional support. There's no easy solution but I'm keen to sort things out sooner rather than later.

Sounds like he may as well jack in his job and get something else - hes working for almost nothing in a job that ties you to somewhere you cant afford.

This is bonkers - he really needs to go back to a solicitor and get proper advice. If the settlement is reduced by half he'd make the £ back over a couple of years!

Seriously, you need to insist on this, he isn't supporting you or his children, and once your capital has been eaten away you'll have zilch to show for it.

His situation makes absolutely no sense at all op. It just doesn't. There is no way a judge has ordered him to pay 2/3 of his salary in spousal maintenance for twenty years. He cannot have only had an hours advice from a solicitor and had significant court/ legal costs which mean he can't renegotiate the deal. Have I read this correctly op ? The way I see it these are your choices.

1. Stay as you are, subsidising his ex wife, depleting your capital until there's none left. Your dc start school and you have 15 years and he has 5 to build up savings and buy somewhere. You can't let this happen.
2. Leave him. Go to your family and buy a house.
3. He gives up work. This works on many levels, no childcare, you could move, his ex wife just can't take money he doesn't have. How would you feel about being the sole earner? Supporting him as as SAHP?

4.......I can't think of a 4!

You can't buy somewhere and rent it out as you're still £500 pcm short. Or you tell him to go to a solicitor, today, and renegotiate this ridiculous deal.

Hmmmmmm you may believe him but elements of those things are twaddle. You can diy legal things (I have) and pay the fees (around £250) to have an order relooked at and evaluated. You have to sort this out. It's completely unreasonable and standing in your way of being a family.
I would take the posters option and become the earner and you all move and take it back to court. I cannot believe you are being so submissive in this!

I've tried to stay out of the divorce because it's his business and would have caused arguments. He did have the order evaluated and whilst it wasn't deemed fair he did this after he had agreed to it (hence he would have to pay her legal costs if it subsequently went to court- they are the very significant costs). He was emailed negotiations after working hours on the final day they could agree outside of court and what's been agreed is deemed binding. Clearly a judge has to sign it off but it's pretty much a done deal. It works out about 46% of his potential net income. There is nothing that can be done- it's too late and I didn't realise what was being proposed as I'd asked him not to discuss it with me because it was too stressful. We have to work out a way to move forward that works for us and for paying his maintenance

Then I suppose the only way to protect your capital is for him to give up work, become a SAHP, move to where you can afford to buy (buy in your name)and you be the bread winner?

Assuming that he is telling you the truth and he hasn't misunderstood. You're slowly getting to the point where you won't be able to subside him. You may as well accelarate it and buy a house in your preferred location. In your name. You'll be forcing the issue now instead of letting it slowly damage your relationship. He can then have a long distance relationship or/and get legal advice when you're there to ensure complete understanding. It may be worth exploring what effect bankruptcy may have on the maintenance agreement. Doing it now instead of in 10 years time at least makes sure you're protected, and that you all have a place to live.

I think you're right and a long distance relationship really is likely to be the best way forward as it's the only way I can see (other than him giving up work which sadly isn't an option) that I can secure any kind of definite future for us and prevent arguments over money which I really don't want - I do want our relationship to work, I just need to be financially independent and able to pay my outgoings. Thank you to everyone whose contributed- lots of food for thought and confirmation my thought process isn't completely unreasonable

To get back on becoming a landlord:

Somewhere that's easy to rent out.

I have a small flat in london close to a tube stop, it's easy to rent out as there is lots of demand for "cheap and cheerful" 1 bed flats there.

But there are always a few unexpected expenses and issues... no such thing as "easy money" but it works for me. Then again, sho know which way the housing market will go?'! There are no guatantees. Only do it if it's a long term idea snd you can weather a few ups and downs.

Thanks Ruby. I have a friend looking at a few properties for me today so will hopefully find something suitable 😬. We are now thinking he will have his house, I will have mine, we share childcare 50/50 and spend as much time as possible in each other's houses (long weekends with me and time during the week with him). That way his finances are nothing to do with me- he can cover his own outgoings and 2.5 days child care and we still get to spend time together.