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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to live separately?

76 replies

Happymama37 · 21/01/2017 08:46

We are not married and have 2 dc's 20 months and 11weeks. We live in an expensive part of the country for his work and adult children and are 4.5 hours away from my support network. I have no one locally and his family do not help with the children.

I work from home so can live anywhere. We can't afford to buy anything where we live but if I moved I could buy something outright. At the moment we share essential outgoings and I pay for all discretionary spending due to his maintenance payments (I earn £1,200, him £2,600 plus bonus usually £2,500 pm). If we continue to live together at the current rate my capital would be gone in 10 years and we will never be able to buy a place to live (child care costs of nearly £2k pm and rent of £1.5k pm). If I move my children would have a home and they'd be money left over.

He can't move his job and is stuck earning at his current level until retirement. We could still see each other at weekends but I would secure my children's futures.

He isn't keen on the idea but I'm pretty set on it- aibu?

OP posts:

howtodowills · 21/01/2017 10:07

Good idea lady

Velvian · 21/01/2017 10:20

2nd what lady said; buy a house in the area you're thinking of & rent it out until it's feasible to move.
Would dp be interested in changing to a lower paid job & living in a cheaper area?

VladmirsPoutine · 21/01/2017 10:25

How long is the maintenance going to last? Is she getting a chunk of his pension too?
Quite a bitter pill to swallow. If I were you I'd think soley about the financial security of your children and yourself.

lelapaletute · 21/01/2017 10:36

First of all I'd insist on seeing any and all paperwork relating to his ex wife's maintenance to make sure you're not getting screwed, frankly. This was happening to my mum where her husband was giving money to his ex with no obligation for reasons that I really don't understand. They were in danger of losing their house, but still he was subsidising her (none of his children still living with her). So don't take his word for it, check it out.

Second of all, any debts he accrued before you got together or on his own behalf are his problem. He should contribute fairly to your and your family's joint expenses, and pay his debt off more slowly out of what's left. Your children shouldn't suffer because of his foolishness.

Finally, you have to protect your capital. I think the suggestion above to buy a property near your family and rent it out is a good compromise - but why should you compromise? He isn't. It sounds to me like he wants it all his own way - to clear his debt and stay out of trouble with the ex wife, to keep his well paying job and live in an area he is happy in, while you worry about your future and deplete your hard earned savings to keep his family going, far from your support network. I think the best you should offer is to do the buy to let idea for say another couple of years/until your eldest changes to secondary school (whichever is the sooner), while he gets his affairs in order the point he can afford to take the necessary paycut changing jobs would entail. If he hasn't dealt with it by then, you close the tenancy and mo e in with your kids yourself. Where that leaves the relationship is up to you, but I'd be inclined to bin him myself if he could t make any kind of effort or compromise to stay living with his kids and be fair to you.

As others have said, at the moment you are subsidising his past relationship failure and his past financial mistakes at the expense of your children. I think you need to put your foot down.

Topseyt · 21/01/2017 10:36

Yes to considering buying a house and renting it out.

Consider that as a compromise anyway. It would provide some additional income and would put a stop to the continued erosion of your capital.

Nothing stopping you eventually giving notice to tenants and moving in there yourself if in a couple of years you still find it would be worthwhile.

Stop subbing DP though.

Original poster

Happymama37 · 23/01/2017 18:49

Thanks for all of your thoughts. On reflection, buying a house where I'd like to live and renting it out makes sense. At least then I have an element of security for the children and I. I'm a little petrified at the prospect of being a landlord but lots of people manage to do it successfully.

There's no plans to ever marry- I've been married before and wouldn't want to pool finances in any way other than sharing joint expenses (particularly in the event of death/ divorce).

OP posts:

iloveberries · 23/01/2017 20:23

OP.... you can marry but protect things in your will.

I'm concerned that if you're not working and your DP dies you may be left high and dry

Original poster

Happymama37 · 23/01/2017 20:56

I wouldn't want to risk getting married in case we subsequently split up. He has written his will and updated his employer benefits to ensure I'm taken care of if he dies. I do work, I just don't earn a lot 😬

OP posts:

NickyEds · 23/01/2017 21:20

iloveberries getting married wouldn't be wise if the op has capital and her dp has debts. If he dies then she will buy a house and live off her income. If you bought a house would the rent be enough to subsidise your current situation op?

Original poster

Happymama37 · 24/01/2017 07:35

Thanks Nicky, that's my thoughts- I can't see any benefit to marriage, only disadvantages.

I would still be approx £500 net pm short to cover absolute essentials if I had a house I rented out (not including shoes, clothes, classes etc).

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 24/01/2017 07:40

I'm wondering whether his maintenance payments can be varied, to take into account his change in circumstances ( your babies).
I'll say again, something doesn't stack up here, are you absolutely certain of your facts?

sofato5miles · 24/01/2017 07:44

I am sorry but i cannot understand how his ex wife, with adult children, gets so much money that he can't even meet the costs of a young family when he takes home 5 grand!

Original poster

Happymama37 · 24/01/2017 07:50

The maintainence is correct and can't be amended. It's frustrating but I need to work around it. The most frustrating thing is I would be better off financially if he wasn't working (saving childcare, running 2nd car and being able to claim child benefit).

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 24/01/2017 07:51

How much of his financial problems are the debt and how much are the maintenance?

How long is it until he retires?

Trills · 24/01/2017 07:53

It really looks as though he is lying to you about his finances.

lalalalyra · 24/01/2017 07:57

Looking at your figures you'd be better giving up work and you'd still be £800 a month better off.

lalalalyra · 24/01/2017 07:58

If you gave up work (if you want too) and buy a property to let out how would your income stack up then?

Original poster

Happymama37 · 24/01/2017 08:06

I don't want to give up work and moving forward my salary could be important for us.

The maintainence is the main issue (£2,200 pm). another reason I won't stop working is we can't even cover the rent with his definite income so the situation would be no better and just as stressful

10 years till his retirement- 20 till mine

OP posts:

RubyWinterstorm · 24/01/2017 08:07

It's what I did.

To "protect" my savings I bought a flat which I rent out through an estate agent (yes it costs 10% for them to manage it for me, but it means no hassle)

I use the rent money as "income", the savings are tied up in the flat and cannot be touched.

It is hugely important to have some financial independence, esp with young children imo

Don't keep eating into your savings!

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 24/01/2017 08:15

If the maintenance is unaffordable you do know he can go back to court don't you? He has two new DC now, he should go for a new settlement that doesn't unfairly penalise them.

I agree with Ice. It really does sound like you're being taken for a ride financially

PrincessNakedAsAJayBird · 24/01/2017 08:15

But is he expected to pay that no matter his income?? What if he was made redundant??

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 24/01/2017 08:16

Also, you really need to look at moving somewhere cheaper but near enough for work. How did he manage before he met you? Presumably he was able to afford to live?

Original poster

Happymama37 · 24/01/2017 08:33

Maintainence has only recently been agreed and can't be changed without variation order so that's not the issue- it's where to go based on the situation.

Thanks Ruby, I think that is what I will do and try to seriously budget at the same time. Do you find it pretty stress free? Would it be worth considering holiday rental to get a higher level of income or regular for less stress?

OP posts:

MillionToOneChances · 24/01/2017 08:37

You need to live within your means. Eroding capital is bonkers, you need to be building pension savings if anything. So luxuries like classes etc need to be out of the window until you can afford them.

Can you live in a smaller place where you are now? How on earth is it fair for him to pay off his debts whilst you spend your savings?

It seems astonishing that maintenance has been set at more than 80% of his base salary

lalalalyra · 24/01/2017 08:37

Has he changed his job since the maintenance was agreed? Something has gone badly wrong if he's left with £300 a month of his salary - unless the bonus is absolutely guaranteed every month.

I can understand you not wanting to give up your job. Is there nowhere near where you live that you could move to a cheaper place?

His lifestyle is completely unrealistic - he can't afford to live where he does. I've got every sympathy with you. Little with your DH though - he can't afford two more children and he should have thought of that before landing you in this position.

Has he taken proper legal advice about his will and estate? With maintenance that high he needs to make sure his ex wife can't be deemed as a dependant of his estate.

I put my money into a rental. It is my security now that I've stopped working - it was my security when I changed job to one that fitted the family life better, but paid less. You need to do something to protect yourself.

You've said your income will be important later - does that mean his pension isn't going to cover him? Is that because of the share to his ex wife?

Whatever you do - don't marry him unless marriage means an automatic renegotiation of his financial responsibilities.

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