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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

524 replies

Ruralbliss · 20/01/2017 16:25

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

OP posts:
DragonitesRule · 20/01/2017 22:51

Z

Original poster
Ruralbliss · 20/01/2017 23:14

My life now is definitely not boring.

I am not harking back to when I was early twenties as for me that was a deeply miserable time in so many ways.

My DH & I are fantastic. I set him free when we were 26 as he was just discovering party lifestyle & I was committed to my new exciting career.

I do think there is something in the fact that I'm no longer the gorgeous slip of a girl I once was but who cares - I'm alive & well with a loving family, great friends and an amazing job.

If I do decide to meet the ex with DH's blessing I'll post on here to let you know whether it was the disaster you all predicted or not. Do I do a new post or just add to this one.

DH and I have done several things together that 99% of our tribe thought was mental so I'm not always one to be told what to do but I do like to assess risks against benefits first & all of your advice here tonight has been really useful and welcome. Thank you!

OP posts:
therealpippi · 20/01/2017 23:26

Rural I am with you. I think I'd go, out of curiousity and as a reverence to past times and my old me and all we shared. I know for a fact that I'd never have sex with any of my exes.

Recently I met an ex At a wedding, one had quite a lot of fun with and thought of sometimes. Gosh what a let down that was.

you do sound wiser than many make you to be.

Please report back.

Dieu · 20/01/2017 23:35

I think you knew exactly what you were doing when you decided to get back in touch.

CalmItKermitt · 20/01/2017 23:38

Go for it! Then report back!

Not really. Don't do it.

ILookAtLifeFromBothSidesNow · 20/01/2017 23:41

No OP, just NO!!!....,Sigh. Confused

TheNaze73 · 20/01/2017 23:43

What have you got to lose?

You only get one go at life.

MotherofA · 20/01/2017 23:43

If you love your husband and don't want to split I would say don't meet him and better not to even email him . The old feelings you have coming back would only intensify and could completely ruin your life with your husband and children.

ForalltheSaints · 21/01/2017 06:41

Meeting him with your husband and him meeting you with his wife (assuming he is married or in a long term relationship)- is that an option? Satisfies curiosity.

DeathStare · 21/01/2017 07:08

I don't think where you meet him is the issue. I don't think many people think you will jump into bed with him in your first meeting. I think the risk is more that you find you are still very close after all these years and this becomes a "special friendship" that develops into an emotional - and possibly physical - affair. Whether your first (or any) meet-up is in a swanky hotel or the local library, whether he meets your DH and your kids or not, all make no difference to that.

Mindtrope · 21/01/2017 07:20

I feel sorry for your OH.

Blankscreen · 21/01/2017 07:27

I think by the wording of your op you are in awe of your ex and clearly have strong feelings for him.

You may not like him.again when you see him but you may. Is is really worth the risk to your current life on an ex boyfriend who incidentally you had to track down not the other way round.

Youre going to go, you will spend hours determining the venue, what to wear and Imo see it as a 'date'.

There.is a huge risk that this will blow you are your family's life apart.

MudCity · 21/01/2017 07:29

You split when you were 22! You have moved on. He has moved on. I can't see any real benefit in allowing your lives to become entwined again, especially as it sounds as though you went through a difficult time together and you weren't that well-suited (you say your relationship ended because you were an emerging party animal and he wasn't). If you had meant to be stay in touch then you would have done.

The only reason I can find for raking up the past is because there is part of you that wants to be back there. Wouldn't meeting up also just rake up some of those difficult times (if not for you, for him?). Sorry OP, your post just comes across as wanting some drama.

GivenupSocialmediaNOTMN · 21/01/2017 07:42

Op

Go and have a weekend away with your husband somewhere special doing something wonderful. Rediscover each other, it's like falling in love in love again too.

Mindtrope · 21/01/2017 07:43

OP if the roles were reversed and your OH was looking up an old girlfriend and told you he was excited , feeling like a love struck teen and couldn't get her out of his head- how would you feel?

BIWI · 21/01/2017 07:54

You're actually pretty arrogant aren't you? How do you know he still has feelings for you? And how can you say you don't have feeling for him, given the language you've been using to describe him, as well as your own emotional response?

Look. The internet has been invented now. You can catch up with him by email, or on Facebook (or a whole load of other social media). If all you want to know is what he's up to now, do it this way.

And I say this as someone who regularly sees one of my exBFs and remains very good friends with another. Because the operative word is 'friend'.

NormaSmuff · 21/01/2017 08:00

you must do what you want op
why not meet up with old friends?
do you have other old friends you want to meet up with?

agree, you can meet online, no need for physical meetings, particularly not in a wine bar.
coffee would be better

Ferris124 · 21/01/2017 08:02

Fanny Gallops ..... brilliant!

I am in vague contact with ex's on Facebook, we chat sometimes, but no flirting.

About seven years ago I met with an ex that I was very keen on when I lived in New Zealand. She married a Brit (she seems to have a thing for Brit blokes) and now living where I used to live. We met in a little cafe and had tea and cake and everything was good, no problem..

Then just as we were leaving together she gave me a look, I would now define this as her Fanny Gallops look, I can remember it from BitD. Nothing happened. I bet you if we had been drinking it would be different.

We walked away and now just talk in the open on Facebook

I think I have a lot of self control which seems to rare for a bloke

Both our partners were aware of our meeting. Her man said "it's fine as long as you don't fuck him" :-)

Just thought o would add the other side perspective

LindyHemming · 21/01/2017 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mindtrope · 21/01/2017 08:13

Go for it OP.

You may get a quick shag out of it too. You may find out that now he has halitosis and a beer gut, but hey, good for old times sake.

You have nothing to lose and I am sure your OH will understand.

SuperFlyHigh · 21/01/2017 08:13

You're so deluded OP. Wink

Why research your ex in such detail and go into detail here (and in your mind) about how great your ex was, unless you're holding a candle for him?

And yes, your married life must be boring for you to even contemplate this, it may be busy with family life etc but most people in normal, settled marriages don't just set out to find and meet an ex they liked, think this much about them and then post on social media about the possibility of meeting them.

You really are fooling yourself. Infatuation (which I think this is) has driven you to it, but you're too blind to see.

But as Any Fucker et al say, go on, meet him, have an affair. Carpe diem and all that.

SuperFlyHigh · 21/01/2017 08:17

Euphemia - it was 26 and he was the party animal.

It sounds as if OP's life with her ex was fraught with difficulties including ones not entwined with her relationship with him.

Sounds like now, she's drawn to finding out about his party animal lifestyle of yesteryear and he may be interested in her then (and now?) budding career.

It's all what if, etc...

Poorlybabysickday · 21/01/2017 08:33

She said she was the party animal I initially, and she dumped him as he wasnt

Pranma · 21/01/2017 08:35

I had to seek out my exh when I wanted to remarry as dh is RC and I needed to see if there were grounds for an annulment as a church wedding meant a lot to dh.
We did meet and it was very cathartic and he and his current wife came to stay with us once and I met him a couple of times alone, we exchanged some letters and it was all nostalgic and quite pleasant but there was no spark left at all. I was glad I had done it as exh turned out to be quite ill and he died a couple of years later. We went to his funeral and it was strange but good to see his family again.
We had married at 21 and divorced 3 years later. I was about 55 when we met up again.

DownInFraggleRock · 21/01/2017 08:53

Okay, so you're totally open with you husband? Show him this thread.

Don't want to? Guess you're not as open as you claimed.... and now you're trying to minimise it to yourself.

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