AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

[Ruralbliss]

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

I smell trouble ahead.

Don't go there.

A possible troll, really? I never can tell.
(I'm more observant in RL)

I'm in the minority.
Do it.

I can't believe your even considering meeting him! I can't believe you've been looking for him, your married! How would you feel if your husband was searching for his ex? And said he was feeling like a love struck teen emailing her? You'd be heartbroken. Why ruin something good.

hey twerp, i am keen to hear your story (gory bits and all...)

Is it a troll?🙄

No. Ridiculous idea. Your poor husband...

Oh dear don't often condone troll hunting but maybe this is one...

Or maybe it's a bored housewife stuck in an unhappy marriage and thinks grass will be greener if she has an affair with her old ex from years ago... Rose tinted glasses much.

No. Not a stupid t person.
Again.

Doubt the DP would be fine with it. That seems a bit of a weird addition to the romantic tale...

I'll put money on the husband 'knows about' the email but knows two fifths of eff all about the potential meeting

ask this bloke to your home, ask if he has a partner and they're welcome to come too

if you don't fancy that than yes, its an inappropriate meet up

Your poor husband

Oh,please! Don't tell me I have given sincere and genuine advice to a troll?! I am pretty new on here and naive is the last thing I would describe myself as. Feels horrible to think someone is having a laugh at my expense. Was enjoying MN, but not sure I want to stay on now. Depressing!

Oh we've all done that Caz – but the way I see it, someone else might see the thread and benefit from the advice anyway.

Hope you're not starting another thread in 2 years about how to cope on your own and what a fool you were etc.

don't do it.

I thought troll at "All good. Lucky me" in the first sentence. It's like something you'd find in... a novel or jaunty magazine article... I have a very good troll radar.

however I agree with PP that someone considering the same thing as the OP might benefit from all the advice.

As others have said, he's an ex for a reason. I have noticed that as people get older, they become more themselves, iyswim. So the reasons you split will still be there, but will be more apparent. You liked going out, having a good time, he wanted to stay in and was quieter. You had the huge emotional crises, but the relationship didn't weather them.

So I would say see him somewhere neutral, have coffee, cake etc., and I think all the reasons you broke up will come rushing back. You might feel slightly silly at the thought that you ever felt giddy and excited about seeing him again. You might also value what you have even more. At any rate, you'll stop wondering about him and what happened to him, because you'll know. I would also stop with the pet names.

Oh, bless you, unexplained - thanks for that! Goodnight, lovely. X

I'm not a troll! I was mulling it over while I waited for my train & thought I'll ask Mumsnet assuming I'd get a wide range of answers and anecdotes of people who've done the same thing.

I'm really pleased I posted when I did as otherwise would have spent my train journey planning where & when to meet said ex & probably emailing him to arrange said rendez-vous.

I'm still amazed by the enormous percentage of answers that are heavily warning me about how dangerous this activity is. I genuinely had no idea other than it all felt quite odd hence posting.

Since getting home I've chatted with DH (not about this) and our lodger as I have been away for 2 days, consoled a poorly child and eaten a nice meal cooked by DH.

Thanks to this thread the plan to come in and immediately dust off 25 year old letters and photos didn't happen & I made an extra effort to make sure I was loving attentive wife whilst talking to DH.

I get it - it's risky. Ex may have been holding a candle for me all these years. I definitely haven't held one for him as it may have sounded in my original post but maybe once a year did an idle search on Facebook and LinkedIn but over the years wondered/assumed he must have died.

I had assumed that a meet up would allow two grown ups to happily share the successes they'd made of their lives despite both coming from fairly rubbish dysfunctional backgrounds & coo over each other's pictures of partners & offspring.

I did feel giddy when he replied but didn't feel it was a dangerous feeling just nice that someone I had a partnership with wasn't dead & yes flattering that he cared.

I never really enjoyed kissing ex

really still find it amazing that so many of you have alarm bells ringing over this but will heed your words.

Thanks Cointreau for sharing your experience - that is exactly how I imagined it would be but everyone else I hear you.

I'm going to not email back with dates for possibly meeting and focus on my relationship with DH (maybe a cheeky weekend away for first time in ages)

If I did meet up with him I'd make sure it was daytime - not a fancy date scenario & yes could invite DH but he'd look at me oddly and ask why the bloody hell would I want to go with you to meet your old boyfriend with you - that would be a bit weird for ex. I think he'd also wonder whether I needed DH there pit of a fear of fancying ex & not being able to control myself without a chaperone which definitely isn't the case.

I asked. You answered. I listened & im grateful. Thank you all who took the time for posting.

Thank you AnUtterIdiot and Bluesrunthegame I think between you - you may have nailed it.

God I had no idea I was a mid life crisis candidate.

Can't believe I'm such a cliche.

Flipping heck. Dread to think of what might have happened if I hadn't asked MN - I do think you're right the frame of mind I was in and my naivity of the risks plus my unknown MLCrisis may well have resulted in some dreadful situation.

I'm going to take good long hard look at myself, engage with DH about it & decide whether to proceed with a non gin-fuelled meet up at some point

If I did meet up with him I'd make sure it was daytime

why, don't people have illicit affairs during daylight hours? i'll bear that in mind if the mood ever takes me :grin:

or even...

I do like the idea of inviting him and his family here to ours. It's a long way from where he lives but it would be lovely. The only thought I though is what if he doesn't have a significant other and/or kids - could look pretty show-offy from me.

Oh bloody hell I don't know. It doesn't feel right saying 'Sorry about that I've changed my mind I don't want to see you after all' and I don't want to risk my life now.

I'm going to put it to the back of my mind. Discuss with DH & he'll help me decide. Yes I will probably show DH this thread.

Please don't meet up.

You know he is ok and doing fine.

Please leave it at that.