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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

524 replies

Ruralbliss · 20/01/2017 16:25

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 21/01/2017 09:24

Ah Poorly so it happened both ways!

therealpippi · 21/01/2017 09:39

My xh (not x because of this) did meet up with his exwife (of whom he ways sopke very nicely) and also his first girlfriend (ditto).
I had no problems with it. It was obvious it was finished, it was just a trip to memory lane and a catch up with someone he shared a lot with in a moment of his life.
True it could go either way but tbf if they'd embarked in a rel it would have meant my marriage had no leg to stand on.

Ruralbliss · 21/01/2017 09:39

Sorry for confusion. I left ex as wanted to be a party girl & never gave him a backwards glance - apart from once when I pulled up next to him in his distinctive car in my Ford Capri about 3 years after we split. He wound down the window & said 'nice car', I registered he was with a girl & was glad for him.
Confusingly I split with my DH after 6 months when HE was the party animal and I had by this time grown up and had the beginnings of a new great career. I was absolutely heartbroken for ages, moved away and tried to find suitable replacements but no one did as he was The One. We got back together again 2 years later as he bumped into a mutual friend at a festival & asked 'Where's rural? I'm desperate to see her again' got my email address and drove down that night to see me.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/01/2017 09:45

OP, please heed wise words, and shelve this ludicrous idea, once and for all. Don't do this to yourself, emotions are complex things, we are not always able to curb them, as easily as we might like.
You have no need of this man in your life, you are blessed with a wonderful husband and family. Think on.

Magzmarsh · 21/01/2017 09:58

Wow op everything in your life seems so dramatic and full on, funny dat Hmm

derxa · 21/01/2017 09:58

I can't wait for the next exciting installment

dowhatnow · 21/01/2017 10:01

She's said she will show him this thread.

I must admit that I've looked up old boyfriends and old friends, to see what they are up to. I dont want to meet them though as I don't want to ruin old memories or open up any other can of worms.

MrDreamyDay · 21/01/2017 10:21

The first boy I dated almost 15 years ago (when we were 16 & 17) and I are still very very close friends.
I am happily married, so is he and our children are a couple of months apart in age, I get on well with his wife and he gets on well with my husband. It's great.
I look really forward to seeing them all when we meet up (Unfortunately live 3 hours drive apart but meet up regularly) BUT I would never describe myself as being love sick or worrying about having feeling for him as he truly is one of best friends I've got and that is exactly how I see him. This is the difference between my story and yours.

If you must see this ex then I would suggest taking your DH and his partner, takes the pressure off!

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 21/01/2017 10:40

oh it's just like a fairy tale...

Star crossed lovers, at uni...he wants a job, she want to paaaaaaaaaaaartayyy!

She rejects him and moves on to Funboy, as she grows up she realises that the party life is not for her and settles down, in her ford capri, dealing with her regrets that she sent Mr HandsomeSensible packing out of her life

BUT WAIT
Funboy is back and now he's serious, they marry and live happily ever after until

from under a bridge somewhere MrHandsomeSensible falls back into her fabulous and perfect ordered family where she thought she was content

...what will our plucky heroine do next?

CaraAspen · 21/01/2017 10:42

Jane Eyre it ain't.

Magzmarsh · 21/01/2017 10:43

Is anyone else picturing hunky ex as a George Clooney lookie likey who any minute now is going to land in op's backyard in his private helicopter 😁

AnyFucker · 21/01/2017 10:45

The Ford Capri is a nice touch

ShowMePotatoSalad · 21/01/2017 10:47

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

Your poor DH. He sounds absolutely lovely. You know he can't say no to you contacting him don't you? He doesn't own you. He sounds like a very respectful person. But what you're doing could quite possibly be quite hurtful and worrying to him, naturally. Mutual usage of old pet names? That's a step too far already as far as I'm concerned.

Are you wanting an emotional or physical affair? Ask yourself that question, deep down. What do you think your ex will be thinking about all this? You have to consider his motives for instant response and pet names.

You have a wonderful husband and family. Please, please, OP, don't fuck it up.

NormaSmuff · 21/01/2017 11:09

all this in ruralbliss

bed the dh is seeing his oldflame Wink

NormaSmuff · 21/01/2017 11:10

What is the name of this book op?

NormaSmuff · 21/01/2017 11:10

i can;t stand chicklit so it doesnt really matter to me, i quite like thrillers,
will there be a murder Wink

ShowMePotatoSalad · 21/01/2017 11:12

The Ford Capri is a nice touch

I'm a damn gullible fool.

Magzmarsh · 21/01/2017 11:17

It'll be called something like "The Ex Files" and the blurb will be something like "Rural thinks she's got it all, great hubby, great life but a late night exchange on FB with her hunky ex sets her perfect world upside down".

fourkids · 21/01/2017 11:25

Might be a sexist observation but I've never met a female Capri driver!

NormaSmuff · 21/01/2017 11:27

you must be too young for a Ford Capri op?
what era were they?
my df had one when I was a child/teen and you are younger than me op

myrtleWilson · 21/01/2017 11:27

How poetic that when you pulled up alongside each other (you in your Ford Capri) you were quite literally going in different directions in life)

NormaSmuff · 21/01/2017 11:27

wikipaedia says 1969 til 1986

Magzmarsh · 21/01/2017 11:29

Ford stopped making capris in 1986

Magzmarsh · 21/01/2017 11:30

X post

NormaSmuff · 21/01/2017 11:30

thanks mags , sorry for answering my own question.

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