AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

[Ruralbliss]

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

No way. You know it's wrong. You also know you hold a candle for him.

Ps, i used to work for a good divorce lawyer (yes really!) if you want his number!

The fact that you describe yourself as "very pretty once but saggy wrinkly now" is very telling. Meeting this ex (and the inevitable fling) is the equivalent of a bloke your age buying a red Porsche. Time passes. We are mortal. Find another way to deal with that, other than breaking your husband's heart.

Everyone is warning you against this - but will you ignore and go ahead anyway?

It sounds like you have too much interest in him, it could easily spill over in to something that will harm your marriage.

If my husband bumped in to an ex and had coffee and a chat with her, I wouldn't be bothered. If he had been searching for an old flame online, and then was all giddy at the thought of seeing his gorgeous ex again - I would be livid with him.

are you hoping the hunky gorgeous, handsome ex will prostrate himself at your feet bemoaning the fact that he let you slip through his fingers all those years ago?

It sounds dangerous to me....I'd be very displeased if dh did anything similar to me and I would feel second best and that he settled as #1 didn't want him.

You really sound terrible but apt MN phrase coming right up over invested in this ex, his past life and this meeting ...and it will be very hard not to invite trouble into your life with that attitude.

I don't like your morals.

You want to be 20 again.
You're not.
Even if, as you claim, you will not cheat, remember you dumped this guy and he seems keen as fuck to see you. Don't play out your mid life crisis on him. That is not kind.

Total insanity.

Don't go there....nooooooo!

I think it's weird you've been looking for him, if you're so happily married to your soulmate trying to find an ex is actually not normal behaviour. Maybe a quick look on fb but to have been actively looking for ages is a red flag.
I've been on every side of this equation and your behaviour isn't that of someone who is content and happily married. If it was then a quick email of 'how you doing? What you up to?' should have sated your curiousity.
Do what you want - because you obviously will- but your proclamations of soul mates and the like are ringing very hollow because your behaviour is saying something very different.

Wow! On the face of it, you say you have a wonderful husband etc etc but something is obviously missing. You also say that both you and your DH give each other a lot of space. Maybe it is TOO much space?? How about injecting some excitement and romance back and spending a little more time together with your "soulmate"?? He sounds wonderful.

Awww this again.

Op: 'Oh my god, my gorgeous ex that I've been chasing/thinking if for years has just got in touch. I feel butterflies, should I see him?'

Mn: 'Not if you value your marriage'

Op: 'Oh my god I wasn't expecting that reaction. Really you reckon one drink would be a disaster?'

Mn: 'Yes, listen to how you e talked about him and how desperate you sound'

Op: 'Oh you silly hysterical things. You must be stuck in the dark ages. Well I'm going to meet him anyway'

Six months later:

Op: 'My husbands kicking me out, my om has turned out to be a dick, what do I do?!'

Mn: ''

Hardly an original or special situation op. Just google it.

This is insane.
Why were you even looking for him?
You sound very immature.
You and your marriage must be missing / lacking something.
For you to even think, for 1 second, that this is remotely ok, is ...... scarey.

I recognise the OP's style - perpetually ignoring advice/asking the same questions again/getting us lot more worked up about their 'situation'/responding directly to posters that support them. Questioning whether this is genuine...

I'll PM you OP, if you want the gory details of what happened after I hooked up with met up with my ex after 16 years, if you like.

If there's enough interest, I'll post about it, but I'm sure most people are not interested.

Don't do it OP!

I think people are over reacting massively
you are curious.

After u have met him tell us if u still fee lovestruck!!

Don't do it. Stupid stupid idea to.

Yes, the last op with a "style" like this was an OW who couldn't give up her MM

It's bullshit designed to stir the pot

Barefoot - Ina - basically a troll then? Probably. Actually.

I've reported. As possible troll.

Yep- have also reported.

You ain't in a Hollywood film.
You probably need to grow up and find something better to do with your time.

"I did tell DH that I'd been searching for him for years & told him when I'd found him. He was pleased for me (one less thing)."

Gosh, really??

Don't do it. I suspect that severe emotional turmoil lies ahead if you do!

I don't think YABU to want to see your ex and you've been upfront with your DH about the contact.
But (a big but) it's better to remember a lovely ex just as they were.
He is making you feel things and you havent even seen him yet. He's not the person he once was and neither are you so I would leave your life and the memory you have of him firmly in the past.

My issue is that it sounds like you are still totally hung up on this guy. You broke it off but it reads like you always regretted it. You admit you are like a giddy love struck teenager and are acting like it as well. If there are so many feels all over the place I can't see how this could be anything but terrible for your marriage.

When you asked you DH if he was ok with you contacting your ex did you tell him that you think of him as the one that got away, that you think he's so gorgeous, wonderful, supportive and amazing or did you leave all those details out?

I would advise get out now unless you want to explode your life and your marriage.