Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

524 replies

Ruralbliss · 20/01/2017 16:25

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

OP posts:
Magzmarsh · 21/01/2017 16:46

Yes WellErr. And the twins are SEN too. You couldn't make it up...oh wait 😑

Shyposter · 21/01/2017 16:48

So, OP, you've gone from

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

to

I still reckon I'll be alright and my marriage is not at risk but only because I'm now looking at it from the angles you have all made me think of.?

Well yay for MN - you asked us if you should meet your ex, we collectively said no, and you're going to meet him with complete confidence that there's no risk any more (despite the fact that you were the one who said it was risky to start with)?

Chinny reckon.

GahBuggerit · 21/01/2017 16:50

Good lord please dont write a book op this thread reads bad enough but 300+ pages of it?

CatchTheRainbow · 21/01/2017 16:52

I did mistype 3 teenage kids but do often think of the 8 year old as a teen as much wiser than her older special needs siblings.

Of course you did OP. Easy mistake to make that one.

Also no one wants to read about your thrill a minute ford capri life.

Original poster
Ruralbliss · 21/01/2017 16:55

Still not made up. I said life wasn't boring though didn't I. Can't apologise for the way my kids are yes SN twins. Nearly killed DH and I for first 3 years but got through it and majorly strong for it.

I did use my pet name for my ex when I got in touch as I never once called him by his given name and same vice versa. It wasn't Snugglebum or anything cutesy. Just an odd shortening of his actual name. He did the same to me. DH and I do the same. Have never used his given name as would sound like his mum reprimanding him.

Yes feeling less lovestruck now and have not dug out the pics and letters as I fully intended to yesterday. Bizarrely DH has just asked whether I could sort out the boxes of photos in his office as the mismatched broken boxes are giving him a malaise so will enjoy a trip down memory lane later this eve.

OP posts:
Magzmarsh · 21/01/2017 17:00

As Duncan Bannatyne says "ahm oot". The smell of shite is overwhelming and I can't be bothered with the op's ridiculous retconning of her original post. Goodbye all 😎

CatchTheRainbow · 21/01/2017 17:01

Sure Jan.

Original poster
Ruralbliss · 21/01/2017 17:03

God aren't some of you vicious and vile!

Not sure where you get off on being nasty to strangers looking for advice but that's all up to you

I'm open honest and an intelligent rational being with an opportunity to meet up with someone I loved at a young age. I'd like to see what he'd done since & suspect he feels the same but nothing more.

Of course it was exciting hearing from him and in the moment I described those feelings as a lovestruck teen which I'm not.

I'm still grateful for the advice and hope others in similar situations find this thread to be of use in their decision making

I'm not bothered in the slightest that some of you didn't like the cars I chose to drive or the way my family has popped out. I am still grateful for the words of warning and yes most likely will go ahead and arrange to meet up but I won't rush into it and will get DH agreement with it all.

I did once bump into a super dangerous ex (started online and turned v heavy) who asked me out for a drink and I flatly said 'I don't think my husband would like that do better not' he laughed cruelly and repeated my words. That would have been a dangerous liaison but I'm fairly certain this ex wouldn't be.

I'll continue to think on (whilst looking at old pics)

OP posts:
thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 21/01/2017 17:05

I met up with an ex-boyfriend about 25 years after we split up. The big difference was my DH and I had split, so I had no guilt about it.

But the experience itself wasn't what I imagined so my advice would be to leave things as they are. Feeling "lovestruck" is your 22-year-old self thinking about the 22-year-old man you dumped, so please don't be fooled by this emotion. I don't think you have specified how old you both are now, but as you know life changes people, both physically, and in their nature.

Prepare yourself for the fact that he may no longer look gorgeous, he'll perhaps be fatter, greyer, bald even. His pleasant nature may have been worn down over the years, he may be a bitter, whingeing old bore. (This wasn't necesaarily my experience, btw!) Will he still be the "smashing boyfriend" you are giddy about then?

I'm not going to suggest you don't go, as I think you sound like you are going to anyway, but please remember to take those rose-tinted specs off first. And be prepared to wish you hadn't bothered.

GahBuggerit · 21/01/2017 17:06

soooooooo one minute you say your life isnt boring.....but then sound as excited as a cat with a cream filled arsehole if it could talk when you receive a reply from an ex boyfriend of 25 years?

Hokay! Grin

Original poster
Ruralbliss · 21/01/2017 17:09

Thanks thefairy I've see an up to date pic Andy best friend's comment was that he looks far hotter now than he did all those years ago but I think he looks like his dad a bit and odd with short hair. Still male model material though.

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 21/01/2017 17:12

OP you will feel one of 3 things when you meet:
-You fall in love again and all the angst that will bring
-You will wonder what the hell you saw in him all those years back
-You will like him as a friend, feel great fondness but not want to re-kindle it further.

you are in control of your life, but a bunch of drama queens on a forum. If you want to leave your DH once you've met the ex, and he feels the same, so be it. Proves your marriage wasn't that watertight. You won't be the first or the last. But there is one hell of a journey from meeting an ex for a catch up and leaving a DH and kids. It's not a single leap.

We can all love more than one person, in different ways, is my view. But we can only live with one at a time.

TBH if the ex splits up your marriage, my bet is if it wasn't him, it would be someone else further down the line if your marriage is built on sand.

Original poster
Ruralbliss · 21/01/2017 17:14

I'm also going to chat with DH, show him this thread & see what he thinks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruralbliss · 21/01/2017 17:15

Thanks again Polly I just can't believe it would be anything other than scenario 3!

Much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruralbliss · 21/01/2017 17:18

I also never 'fell in love' with ex. We loved each other a lot but we're never head over heels.

I'm just so pleased he's ok and is doing so well professionally and just hope his personal life is going well for him also.

The other scenario that I need to be wary of that someone else mentioned is that he isn't having a great time and wants more from me than I'm prepared to give and I hurt him a second time. That would be shit.

OP posts:
WellErrr · 21/01/2017 17:20

he laughed cruelly

All I can now think is 'Voldemort.'

GahBuggerit · 21/01/2017 17:22

IF this is true op, I bet i know exactly why your dh would agree!

Shyposter · 21/01/2017 17:22

I still don't get why you couldn't just e-mail him for that sort of info though... Hmm

ScarlettDarling · 21/01/2017 17:26

Suggest to your ex that you meet up with other halves and kids in tow...then it's innocent and not dangerous. Any other way...definitely not.

CaraAspen · 21/01/2017 17:27

Of course she must be bored. It is probably a classic midlife crisis scenario.

CaraAspen · 21/01/2017 17:30

Your DH will be roaring with laughter at the Bridget Jones-y type angst on display here. It really is v v immature.

foxyloxy78 · 21/01/2017 17:31

Bad idea. Don't do it. What does your husband think about all of this??

CaraAspen · 21/01/2017 17:33

I think your use of "hotter"'is v v amusing. By male model material, I assume you mean the sorts of mature chaps who model for Cotton Traders?

GahBuggerit · 21/01/2017 17:36

So you must be what 47 op?

yep, classic mid life crisis. as i said just get some botox done instead or another capri. in orange.

Swipe left for the next trending thread