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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

524 replies

Ruralbliss · 20/01/2017 16:25

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 21/01/2017 15:24

the dangers I had no idea of

longdiling · 21/01/2017 15:27

This is a weird AIBU. Op posts basically as if she's falling for her ex all over again, says 'it would be risky to meet up with him wouldn't it?'. Everyone agrees with her and says 'yes you're right it would be risky'. At which point op does a complete turn around and argues with everyone that she doesn't have feelings for him at all and it's not risky!

Silentplikebath · 21/01/2017 15:31

My DH's ex wife did this. It didn't become a full blown affair but it still ruined her marriage because the trust had gone.

My guess is that your ex is either unhappily married or recently separated and he's feeling lonely. Have you asked about his wife/girlfriend/children yet?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/01/2017 15:33

Long, I agree. It's like the OP thinks that he's the "One that go away" Her poor DH will end up being the man she settled for.

PickledCauliflower · 21/01/2017 15:34

Sounds like you want to have the high drama and fallout of an affair.
Almost everyone has advised against - because of what you said in your opening message to us, but you are going ahead anyway.
Why bother asking in the first place if you are going ahead with it anyway?

Olympiathequeen · 21/01/2017 15:40

I would meet with him, but only after exchanging a few emails charting your lives. It's important to know that he is happily married, kids etc etc and not on the lookout to rekindle a romance.

Many people go Facebook surfing looking for old flames for a reason and that is to relight the fire!

WellErrr · 21/01/2017 15:45

Our kids are 8 and 13 yo DTs

TWINS! Had to be 😂

Not sure why my actual life sounds like a trashy romance to some of you.

It's just the way you write it.

NormaSmuff · 21/01/2017 15:48

yes, agree - just noticed the twins too

Magzmarsh · 21/01/2017 15:48

You can't even get the age or number of dc you have right. This whole thread is utter bollocks op, next time you need to storyboard first so you don't trip yourself up 🤣

PickledCauliflower · 21/01/2017 15:50

I'm sorry - but this does sound dodgy. Things don't add up!

PollyPerky · 21/01/2017 15:52

So much hysteria here.

OP if you, as an adult woman, fully in control of your emotions and behaviour, want to see an old flame to catch up and a trip down memory lane, do it.

If you decide to run off with each other then neither of your marriages were that great anyway.

What's the world come to if a mature woman can't meet an old boyfriend for dinner and simply be friends?

'Temptation' is put in front of many married people all the time in all kinds of circs, but it's how you handle it that matters.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/01/2017 15:58

Polly, nowt wrong with adults meeting exes and being friends. Only OP doesnt like an adult. She sounds like a teen going on her first date.

Magzmarsh · 21/01/2017 15:59

The hysteria is entirely generated by the op with her overwrought, melodramatic posting style.

Beeziekn33ze · 21/01/2017 16:00

That's it! 'Three nice teenage kids' are now 8 and DTs 13. It's a novel!
Bye!

WellErrr · 21/01/2017 16:01

Throw around all the misogynistic terms you like Polly - but you fell for a troll

PollyPerky · 21/01/2017 16:07

Well, if it's a troll MNHQ will step n soon enough. And if it's not a troll, my comments stand.

Misogynism is hatred of women- not sure how I hate women just by saying there is some hysteria here (and yes, I do where 'hysteria' originates I just don't exclude it from my vocabulary like some women,)

SusanneLinder · 21/01/2017 16:15

Hmmmm 3 teenage kids at start of thread and then 8 and 13 on last page. So in the space of this thread we have the "Mystery of the Disappearing Teenager" and another child is Benjamin Bloody Button.
I smell shiiite

Magzmarsh · 21/01/2017 16:17

lol at I smell shiiiiite, can't put it better than this

MadeForThis · 21/01/2017 16:23

WhereIsMyBlueCastle · 21/01/2017 16:23

I don't think YABU
I was with my ex boyfriend for several years, my very first serious relationship in early twenties (I'm 40 now). Two years after split we got in touch and decided to meet. We just chatted for a while and then went separate ways. My ex had played a very important part in my life and I still think about him from time to time, wondering how he is getting on with things.. It doesn't mean I want something to happen...
This ex boyfriend contacted me again last year, we didn't meet because of different commitments (and he lives a long way away). He said - perhaps another time. And perhaps we'll meet this year, who knows? If there is an opportunity to meet, why not? But an affair? Or a relationship? No, certainly not.
RuralBliss - I think you need to be honest with yourself. If there is a chance that something may happen - be aware of the risks (as everyone else pointed out here) as you will have to face the music afterwards...

GahBuggerit · 21/01/2017 16:29

oh ffs why didnt i just scroll down to the bottom before i wasted 15 mins of my life

mind you my spidey senses tingled on the mention of mutual useage of pet names, after one reply, didnt add up unless op went straight in with "hi snufflebunny" which doesnt sound like someone NOT after a quick cringey fumble with an ex

if this is true op i think most women going through a mlc have botox, hth

Original poster

Ruralbliss · 21/01/2017 16:30

Thanks Polly that's where I'm at.

Im still not a troll (and don't see why you'd think I would be but whatevs) & definitely do have twins. I did mistype 3 teenage kids but do often think of the 8 year old as a teen as much wiser than her older special needs siblings.

Hilarious that you think I'm hysterical and my life is made up. Maybe I should write a book. I haven't shared a fraction of it here!

The reason my thoughts about my feelings towards ex/DH and the situation have changed since posting are partly because I've been thinking about it as time moved me away from the headiness of the initial contact with ex but mainly because your comments have influenced my thoughts.

Thanks again although you are being pretty brutal. I still reckon I'll be alright and my marriage is not at risk but only because I'm now looking at it from the angles you have all made me think of.

OP posts:

PickledCauliflower · 21/01/2017 16:31

Ford Capris were rust buckets I recall.
A great retro car, but you don't see many about now. I hope your collection is garaged to protect them from the elements.

PickledCauliflower · 21/01/2017 16:32

So you don't feel like a lovesick teenager at the thought of seeing him now?

WellErrr · 21/01/2017 16:44

Jeepers, it's like bingo.

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